Is there any such thing as a nice way to end a friendship ?

[LetsBeRealisticToday]

Ideally I think you’d be able to say

look we’ve had some great times over the years, I particularly enjoyed xyz

but realistically, you make a few neggy comments, which while I understand come from a place of insecurity and you trying to make yourself feel better

but I don’t like you as much now as much as I used to

i don’t really want to spend my free time and money on you

simply there’s other things I’d rather do

also our lives have basically just moved in different directions
thats as thats just how life can go

I hope we can part with no hard feelings as I actually do wish you well
im Happy for all the good times we have had and I hope you have a good and happy life

??
well how would you react to this? Is there a nice decent way to end a friendship

if the reasons you want to end the friendship are
you’re sick of the bittching and gossiping
things you tell them they tell others

they are now quite boring
they are selfish and very self centered and want everything their own way
they lack consideration

the go on and on about the same boring issues and never take any action, just seem to be happy to be stuck in day an unhappy relationship
but moan about it a lot

they make little diggy comments in a sly way

and your interests have grown in different directions over the years

and you just don’t enjoy hanging out with them anymore and there loads of other things you’d rather do

I mean how do you end a friendship in a nice way?

of you slowly fade you’re accused of ghosting ( surely people understand not everyone wants to be friends for ever, regardless of if it’s still fun)

or say your reasons why and risk actually really messing up their heads

so is there a good and decent way to end a friendship you no longer enjoy due to their behaviour ??

I think I’m being clear. Have you never challenged her when she indulged in unpleasant gossip about other people? Or said ‘That was a nasty thing to say, Lorraine’, when she said something unpleasant to you? Or said ‘Look, we seem to be going round in circles here — you complain endlessly about your relationship but are clearly never going to leave, so I think we should just stop talking about it, as I’m finding it frustrating’? Or said ‘Lorraine, you were the only person I told about X, and now it’s all round the village. Can you explain how everyone appears to know now?’

IF you had been challenging her every time she bitched, gossiped, was negative towards you, broke a confidence etc, you wouldn’t be in the position you’re in now. It would be plain from all of your interactions that you no longer liked her behaviour, she almost certainly wouldn’t have liked being challenged, and the friendship would have rapidly faded on both sides.

But you weren’t honest. By the sound of things, you’ve just nodded along, so she still thinks you like her, because nothing in your behaviour suggests you think otherwise.

You are a real overthinker op. Phase out rather than think of lots of details to try not to upset her.
Phase out is just stop answering messages quickly, like 2 days or so, start turning down meet ups like you are too busy or other plans, it'll just take its course so she'll stop asking/messaging.
If she asks direct just tell her you've been so busy..

I read this thread thinking of a friend ‘K’ who wants (and in my opinion needs) to end a friendship with someone ‘E’ as the relationship has grown increasingly toxic and now ticks every box for emotional / financial / often even physical abuse. The main complication is that they’re room mates in a rented apartment, although l E has gradually stopped paying her share. I’ve been doing my best to emotionally support K but no idea how she can practically get out of the situation so any suggestions very welcome!

That sounds horrible. Can you help her look for new places to live and orchestrate a moonlight flit?

I agree with much of what @Friendlygingercat has posted. Good friends should be able to point things out about behaviour, views, etc.

Move/evict other.

Change jobs and move.

Not easy but any push back she manages will only make atmosphere worse and be temporary relief before it creeps back. Temp reflief put how much they owe in front of flatmate - then say it can't go on - you have to x date or I'll do small claims court/give notice.

No, there is no nice way to tell someone that you wish to be in the company of others and never them. Telling them they are insecure and neggy will not soften the blow, even if true.

This.

Usually there is push back about behavior - subtle - comments or outright didn't like that - it's usually ignore and later denied it happened.

If you say I can't because of x they will argue and turn it round on you or they'll be deeply hurt and very upset.

I always read on here that slow fade is bad and harmful and I've watched DH try and meet up with someone over decades giving ever more bizare excuses - till even kids said to him he's not interested and the excuse is a piss take - but I think any outright comments can be equally as nasty and long term in harm.

I would just fade. No need for a speech. It invites discussion. They’ll get the hint eventually.

What a heap of drama over something that happens fairly regularly in the normal course of life. Many friendships and connections run their course - theres no need to hurt and offend anyone by coming with your sanctimonious list of 'reasons'. Just change the status of the relationship - downgrade it, if thats the right terminology. It doesnt need to take up all this brain space. Dont see the friend so often, engage on a more superficial level, change the subject - just use all the small social tools and conveniences that oil social wheels for adults.

I was honest with a very persistent friend from my teens. We’d grown up to be very different people, totally grown apart, and really didn’t have anything to say to each other anymore. I truly wish her nothing but the best but the friendship had run its course and I was fine with that.

When I tried to tell her, she reeled off loads of things that we could talk about (but never had in the previous ten years…) and things we could do together (but never had in the previous ten years…) and ultimately decided that I didn’t want to see her because I was depressed (I wasn't...).

It was way messier than ghosting/fading out and in hindsight, I should’ve realised that somebody who wanted to maintain a friendship wasn’t just going to go ‘alright then, bye’ in response to an honest message. And that was an honest message that really didn't criticise her in any way. Tell somebody they're boring, moany and neggy, and you're definitely going to end up having a debate with them about that.

I don’t know what I’ve said that’s given that impression, but say when she’s talked about her relationship
I have said to her, you know he will never change
why do you accept his crumbs
why do you always go back
is this what you want your life to be like in 5 years, 10 years
told her she deserves more and better

if she’s made bitchy comments or past on others private info
I just disengage and try and say neutral comments like well we don’t know the full story or that’s no one else’s business …

I certainly don’t sit there and join in or agree or nod along

I agree with others, if you’ve not had an argument just try phasing her out and don’t say anything.

I’ve had a couple of people I thought were (new or more casual) friends come straight out and tell me ‘no, because I don’t like you’ when I’ve suggested a coffee or something and it hurts. There’s no need to do that to someone.

I was not in the exact same situation, but similar when one person in a friendship group 'broke up' with another and to be honest the world of pain that it unleashed for everybody still goes on 3 years later.

Gradual fade is definitely easier.

Whereas I find ghosting someone you’re in an exclusive intimate relationship with to be reprehensible, I think fading someone out is the preferred option for a friendship.

It’s because I would be absolutely mortified to be formally dismissed as a friend. It’s something about feeling the other person has no option but to lay out your faults (however gently and diplomatically done) or dissemble. I’d rather come to the conclusion one day that the reason I no longer hear from X and they never accept an invitation is because they don’t enjoy our meetups any longer than them baldly lay it out for me. I’d hate to subject someone else to it too. Fading out is face-saving.

A friendship ending is an inherently negative thing in some sense - no way to make it nice, I don’t think!

I think if you want to end it you could say so.

My decades long friend didn't want to end the friendship I think. What she wanted to do was to treat me like rubbish and keep me warm for when she wanted something when I was in bits. This is worse in my opinion so I ended it.

thanks for all the thoughts, many interesting perspectives, I think I’m gonna go along with what I thought from the start, that’s there’s no nice way to do this. So it’s going to be a fade, but thanks for helping me make my mind up

I’d prefer a text to a slow fade. Something along the lines ‘ I have really a lot going on at the moment so have decided to spend my limited spare time with my family, I wish you all the best’.

Slow fade is really hard as it takes a while to cotton on to what’s happening. I was slow faded this year and I kept wondering has my text actually sent, maybe my friend will get in touch on x date because that’s when we normally do such and such?. Is three times too many times to text someone without an answer etc etc?

There is a actually a nice way, which is to speak up, every time you feel uncomfortable, about that particular event. Own it, say 'I dont like that because'. And then she gets the chance to change and things improve, or to get pissed off and also come to the realisation that your friendhip has run its course.

The discomfort is because of the mismatch between her perception of your relationship and yours - she thinks it's fine, you think itsbroken. You've had a long timr to get to this point, by not being honest with her, she has no idea and you fwel bad about blindsiding her.

Being brave in the short term and speaking up about individual behaviours - rather than storing it all up secretly and dumping her

I think the ChatGPT answer is horrific.

Why don’t you pick up the negativity at the time? Just call it out and show you are prepared to deal with it.

Well, yes. There's no nice way to say "I think your personality is shit, and I'm fed up with it".

Do it or don't, OP. But don't pretend that you don't want to have a jolly good debrief before you go. For her good, obvs.

That's not really the way though is it?

People change as time goes on. Sometimes not for the better. Or you've changed and you aren't on the same page anymore.

I used to be friends with a girl I knew from college. We met up again in our 20s and we were friends until our 30s.

We used to have great times together and I enjoyed her company.

Until she started slowly but surely putting me down. Constantly being negative and always wittering on about her life but never asking me about mine. She was so bitter and always slagging off her work mates.

I tried to make it work and I couldn't. I was fed-up of the put downs. There was a lot more to it than this and she did something that broke the straw on the camel's back.

She didn't start out like this and wasn't like this for years. We talked about her problems Constantly so I know what was up. And I didn't deserve to be treated like that.

So unfortunately it isn't always that you're friends with someone you dislike, sometimes they change and not for the better.

you

You don’t have to explicitly end a friendship like you would a romantic relationship! Just see her less and let it fizzle out.