Is there any such thing as a nice way to end a friendship ?

[LetsBeRealisticToday]

Ideally I think you’d be able to say

look we’ve had some great times over the years, I particularly enjoyed xyz

but realistically, you make a few neggy comments, which while I understand come from a place of insecurity and you trying to make yourself feel better

but I don’t like you as much now as much as I used to

i don’t really want to spend my free time and money on you

simply there’s other things I’d rather do

also our lives have basically just moved in different directions
thats as thats just how life can go

I hope we can part with no hard feelings as I actually do wish you well
im Happy for all the good times we have had and I hope you have a good and happy life

??
well how would you react to this? Is there a nice decent way to end a friendship

if the reasons you want to end the friendship are
you’re sick of the bittching and gossiping
things you tell them they tell others

they are now quite boring
they are selfish and very self centered and want everything their own way
they lack consideration

the go on and on about the same boring issues and never take any action, just seem to be happy to be stuck in day an unhappy relationship
but moan about it a lot

they make little diggy comments in a sly way

and your interests have grown in different directions over the years

and you just don’t enjoy hanging out with them anymore and there loads of other things you’d rather do

I mean how do you end a friendship in a nice way?

of you slowly fade you’re accused of ghosting ( surely people understand not everyone wants to be friends for ever, regardless of if it’s still fun)

or say your reasons why and risk actually really messing up their heads

so is there a good and decent way to end a friendship you no longer enjoy due to their behaviour ??

So are you saying that she suddenly had an extreme personality transplant and overnight became negative, bitchy, and boring, having previously been sunny, generous-spirited and positive about other people?

I'm in a situation like this, similar but I am the friend that I think my friend is going to fade away....slowly quit as they say ....

Became a bit off a while ago, few months, asked several times if all ok while giving lots of space....we went from contact a few times a week to now once or twice a month

She denies anything is wrong between us or in her own life, marriage, kids etc but definitely something going on. I suppose I would be hurt by a message like that and probably confused.

I think I am a good person, in fact I know I am. I have never been nasty to anyone in my life and always thinking of others, helping others. Not for any credit, just its a tough world out there and if you can help someone you really should!

Anyway, waffling here! Had a couple of lifestyle changes over the past year. A 'glow up' as some would say. I dont know if this is bothering her. She has a very good job, me less so but probably appear to have a 'nicer' life in the material sense only. The irony is i am very unmaterialistic!!!

Much as I wouldnt like a msg like that I suppose it would at least bring closure?

No it wasn’t overnight it changed gradually over time

No, there is no nice way to tell someone that you wish to be in the company of others and never them. Telling them they are insecure and neggy will not soften the blow, even if true.

I had a friend who made her thoughts known. I actually think of her with total dread, and have had to ghost her. I think if you feel critical of a friend, leave them alone.
Friends are for loving and supporting, not nit picking and undermining.

I don't think there is a nice way to do this, no. Ultimately you're telling someone you don't like or want to spend time with them anymore and that you're not even interested in maintaining a casual friendship with them.

I think it's kinder to phase them out gradually. First I'd stop accepting any invitations to meet up. Then I'd send just basic replies to messages, before eventually stopping replying altogether.

At some point they will either get the message and stop trying, or they'll ask you outright what the issue is, at which point you can just say, "We've had some good times over the years but I feel we have grown apart recently. I've got to a stage in my life where I don't really have the time or the energy to maintain half-hearted friendships and I prefer to prioritise the people I am genuinely close to. I wish you all the best."

I was on the receiving end of this once.

She was someone I'd been friendly with at school and then rekindled my friendship with in adulthood. For a few years we were quite close and saw each other regularly, and even travelled together a bit. Then she asked me to go on a long haul trip with her for her 30th birthday. I was happy to go, it was a destination I wanted to visit, and we planned a great trip. Unfortunately she wasn't in the best mental health by the time we went and her depression made the trip quite miserable. Obviously I wanted to support my friend but I didn't know what to say to cheer her up and yes, to be honest, I was not super happy about having spent over a thousand pounds to celebrate her birthday only for her to have a face like a wet weekend the whole time. I understand that when someone is depressed they can't necessarily just snap out of it, but it did ruin what was a pretty expensive trip for me, and I secretly wished that I'd said no and saved my money to go away with my boyfriend or another friend instead.

Our friendship didn't end instantly, but a year or so later I realised she'd unfriended me on Facebook. I sent her a message to ask why and she basically said she'd been having some therapy and she'd made the decision to cut people who weren't supportive enough out of her life.

If I'm honest, I had started to feel that she didn't really help herself and probably should have tried to pull herself together and get a grip, rather than seeing a therapist who encouraged her propensity to navel gaze.

She has completely open social media so I've looked her up a few times and have a vague idea what she is doing with her life. Not that long ago she posted a picture of herself that I took on that trip, and a caption along the lines of, "I was smiling here and pretending to be happy but really I was feeling at my lowest, and now I'm so much happier." She might also have added in something about only surrounding yourself with people who deserve to be in your life. And I just thought, "Well, you did an absolutely terrible job of pretending to be happy on that trip, because I wasn't fooled for a second. And am I sorry that I didn't spend the next five to ten years trying to read your mind and guess what kind of support you needed, going on expensive holidays with you and taking the risk that they would be ruined by you not being in the right headspace at the time? To be honest, not really."

Either way, I'm glad that she didn't make a big announcement, officially calling off our friendship and listing all my apparent deficiencies. And I'm also glad that when I asked her why she had ghosted me, she gave me an answer which made sense and reassured me that neither of us was likely to give the other what we needed and wanted from the friendship.

I hope she really is happy now and not still pretending.

I’m 60 and have had numerous friendships ebb and flow throughout my life. The slow fade is the most common and acceptable way to extricate yourself from a friendship. I’ve been on both sides of it.

The idea of someone sitting you down and giving you a list of your shortcomings and reasons for ending the friendship is horrible. And if someone did that to me I would have no hesitation in giving them a list right back.

At least with the fade there’s hope of reconciliation down the line. Four different people are a huge part of my current life and I didn’t see them for years as our lives had taken different paths.

I would definitely prefer the slow fade having thought about it. I would be very hurt if somebody directly told me they didn't want to be my friend when I thought we were really good friends but with a slow fade, they become less important and it hurts less.

Unless someone was hurting me or others in some way I would go for a slow fade. So still be friends but more of a background friend . It would have to be pretty bad for me to to formally break up with a friend.
I have had two close friendships end badly. The first must have been carrying a lot of frustration towards me and had a massive completely out of the blue go at me one day and we never spoke again. It seemed to stem from her insecurities around her weight/looks, I didn’t have those feelings not because I was a stunner it just wasn’t important to me so in hindsight I maybe didn’t understand what she was going through. (We were quite young) I’m not sure I could have managed it differently (apart from being more self aware)
The other friends I was in my thirties and should have probably ended the friendship but I carried on despite her becoming quite nasty and judgemental in her views . Inevitably we had a row and the friendship never recovered.
I also lost a few friends over money which I learnt you should never mix with friendship.

You know is crazy to me, there so much advice out there about romantic relationships but nowhere near as much about platonic friendship relationships
which really do make impact on us

I gues it least it gives you closure

OK, but why have you apparently put up with it in silence? If you picked her up on the bitchy comments about other people every time she made them, and challenged her when she was negative to you, then she’d (a) enjoy your company less and (b) understand that the friendship was no longer working.

I think it's actually not a bad thing to explain you won't be making any further efforts - you see on here all the time people who have been ghosted getting upset about friends not ever making time for them. I'm all for clarity in these situations so, assuming something recently has bought it to a head, I'd say something like "I've decided to downsize my circle and given our recent butting of heads, perhaps we should just agree to be civil and not invest too heavily in further friendship"? A less combative way would be to waft on about "different paths" or "not wanting to have negativity we bring out in each other", so you have options that are less likely to get an angry response. I'd personally say your bit and if the get aggy, which your post suggests they might, block.

Ending a friendship rarely feels “nice”.
Instead of disappearing completely, you gradually see them less but also acknowledge it openly

I don’t think there is, I’d be gutted if a ‘friend’ sent me a text basically saying I don’t want to see you anymore as I don’t like you now’

Some friendships run their course and just fizzle out 🤷‍♀️

She over analysed the message and her anxiety was through the roof. The irony is the ine who received the message hadn't actually done anything wrong, she just didnt agree with some of the behaviours the text sender was doing. And because there was a group of people falling over themselves to support and validate the one who sent the text she obviously felt emboldened to cut off those who 'didnt fully support her'

Yes I think, I would be too
that’s why the thought of doing that doesn't sit well with me, I have no interest in trying to hurt someone
esp someone i have had good times with in the past

so even though the slow fade also seems hurtful it’s perhaps the kindest way to do it
nothing here is making me think differently

Could you explain to me more what you mean
as I’d like to understand your point of view

This thread has been very interesting so thanks for starting it OP. I agree with those suggesting the slow fade, fizzle out approach. Anything else is too cruel. Reading this has confirmed to me that I've been faded out by an old friend. It's a little bit hurtful but not nearly as bad as her listing my shortcomings. That would really rattle me and knock my confidence. Also what's the point? We can't change who we are and I have other friends who do enjoy my company ... luckily! Hopefully your ex-friend also has other friends to fill the gap you leave.

Elizabeth Day has written a book about friendship and how there’s no language or playbook for the pain of ending one.

I am generally in favour of the slow fade but recently had to break up with a friend who was too close for a slow fade. I think I did it nicely. I didn't accuse them of difficult behaviour, I just focused on how I felt in the friendship and said that our dynamic had turned a bit too negative and maybe we bring out the worst in each other in some ways and would be better apart. They accepted that and we parted with love (i really emphasised how much i still loved them and wished them well as we had been very, very close). I didn't frame it as a 'forever' break up though and said maybe we'll find our way back to each other in a few years. So maybe that softened it too.

I agree with this. Years ago a friend and I lost touch - kids at different times was what I thought. We recently got back in touch and she admitted that at the time she didn't feel she was being a very good friend to me. It was good to hear as I was worried I had done something. So I do think there is a value in being open rather than fading, because done the right way it lowers expectations for the immediate future while enabling a friendship at a future date.

Given how much time and threads are started about friends not being available/intense enough I would have thought it was the best thing to do to save angst.

I decided to end a friendship spanning 35 years after I had counselling. I realised I’d had poor boundaries and had put up with behaviour I shouldn’t have. I think she was slow fading me anyway. She had been having an affair with a married man for over ten years (she is also married) and I went to several parties and functions where both affair partners were there with their respective husband/wife and I felt uncomfortable. I tried not to judge and think our friendship was separate from her affair/love life but through counselling I realised I could no longer do that (especially as my husband had cheated on me and it had ended our marriage)
The last couple of times I saw her she’d been a bit “off” with, me for example, dictated where we went for a meal/drink, she was very late with no apology and I paid on both occasions. When we got back to my house she was very drunk and started shouting ( relaying an argument she’d had with her husband) and crying. She was so loud I was worried the neighbours would think we were actually arguing and call the police.
She was going through stuff at the time but I told my councillor about her behaviour and she told me just because my friend was having issues didn’t allow her to treat me with disrespect. It’s sad because we’d had good times over the years but I don’t want to tolerate people in my life who no longer make me feel positive and happy in their company

Slow fade. Friendships ebb and flow as our lives change and you no longer have much in common. Don't initiate contact, share less, meet up less often,it will slow and dry up.

I have to say that being ghosted, although horrible at the time, can feel like a blessing later. Two people I considered friends for life ghosted me and I was devastated at the time, now I look back and realise that a lot of our friendship was based on me being the underdog and always accommodating their needs. I now feel much happier without their condescending, pompous and humourless attitude towards me.

Sorry, I missed out the relevant part in my post. I didn’t confront issues in our friendship as I didn’t see any point. She wasn’t going to end her affair because I’d become uncomfortable with it so I just stopped messaging her. As I was the one putting in most of the effort I’m not sure she was that bothered.