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Original poster

Informing your husband or seeking permission

86 replies

Naturallyb · 02/09/2025 18:44

I've recently joined mumsnet. I have two questions and wanted to start with this one.

When going away with friends for a weekend, does anyone seek permission or tell/inform their partner/husband that they are going. I tell mine have been going for over 15 years but my husband would like me to seek permission.

OP posts:
SummerFrog25 · 02/09/2025 20:45

Naturallyb · 02/09/2025 20:14

@SummerFrog25, we had words yesterday and he actually said. "You've arranged to go away with xyz you didn't even seek permission".

He's never liked me going. When the kids were younger it would cause a row, or he'd come back late after we'd agreed that he'd drop me to the station. So I stopped asking to be dropped and made alternative arrangements.

I didn't ask why he thinks I need permission.

PS, what does DH stand for.

Dear Husband usually, Dick Head when you want it to. It's an internet abbreviation so you don't have to type out Husband (DD daughter) but H or D on their own get lost in text

id have laughed and said I'm not 15 & you're not my Dad, I don't need your permission.

I bet there are lots more things you've stopped doing or asking for his co operation over.

If you keep doing that your life will become smaller & smaller. If necessary see if your Dc can stayed with Grandparents or friends (if they're not old enough to look after themselves at home

Do You still want to be married to him

heroinechic · 02/09/2025 20:46

You’ve said you don’t have any young children so there is no childcare responsibilities to share between you. Are there any other responsibilities that you share which would make you going away inconvenient for him? I’m not talking about cooking etc but things like, do you own a company together that you both work weekends for etc.

IMO if you going away could cause a legitimate problem for your DH you should discuss the matter with him. If the only issue is that he would be alone for that weekend then I don’t really see the need for ‘permission’.

We have young kids so I wouldn’t be going away anywhere at the moment, but previously I would float the idea with DH to check there weren’t any calendar clashes. I wouldn’t ask for his blessing.

TheNightingalesStarling · 02/09/2025 20:57

I'd say "is it ok if I do X on Y date" but its not permission its checking for clashes against his work schedule. He's usually the one encouraging me to get out more. However our children are 12&14 and still need driving around and some level of care.

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Original poster
Naturallyb · 02/09/2025 21:06

@SummerFrog25 not sure that I do still want to be married. 36 years anniversary yesterday, in mid 50s now and considering my options now my youngest is off to uni.

OP posts:
Original poster
Naturallyb · 02/09/2025 21:10

@GarlicPint We end up arguing. And yes always been domineering

OP posts:
TheCurious0range · 02/09/2025 21:10

I would say I'm thinking about going away on x dates you don't have anything planned do you? If he did it would be in the shared Google calendar, but he also needs to know in advance as he works some Saturdays and would make sure not to, if he was busy the same weekend we'd look to see if grandparents could get with childcare. Same vice verse as I have to be on call out of hours sometimes. Before DC I would just say I'm going away the third weekend in June and he'd say oh that's nice where are you off to?
Demanding permission isn't ok

childofthe607080s · 02/09/2025 21:11

Neither tell nor seek permission but a discussion / what I want and how it might impact them

GarlicPint · 02/09/2025 21:14

Naturallyb · 02/09/2025 21:10

@GarlicPint We end up arguing. And yes always been domineering

Well, ignore him. Do your stuff, inform him in good time, and reply with overt good cheer to his arguments 😁 Make out you haven't even noticed his mood.

This looks like a good time to remind you you don't need permission to end a relationship!

GonnaeNoDaeThatJustGonnaeNo · 02/09/2025 21:15

We sit down and do diaries together and coordinate who is away and when.

no permission on either side but if we have a clash of dates then we need to arrange grandparents cover.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 02/09/2025 21:16

No we don't ask permission. We're adults. It's first come first served in our calendar, if the day is free then stuff can be put in

autienotnaughty · 02/09/2025 21:16

I’d say “are you ok of if I do x on Saturday?” But tbh if there’s no childcare involved I’d probably just let him know my plans. I would not need permission!!

Dliplop · 02/09/2025 21:20

We ask each other - parenting, calendar, money need to match but also something invisible - like if I think I’ll be wiped out from another plan or need Sunday to get ready for something later in the week; or if his project will need late nights etc.

amtrying · 02/09/2025 21:21

I have never asked for permission for anything with my husband! I did tell him a few days ago that I am going on a 4 day break next week and can he please give us a lift to the airport.Absolutely no problem. Our children are all adults now so only commitment is the dog.
When we had house full of children then obviously we would check that dates were ok etc . He always goes skiing for a week and has done ever since the children were babies.

mamagogo1 · 02/09/2025 21:22

You are not seeking permission but you are checking that there isn’t something else going on that you aren’t aware of or in my case forgotten to write in my diary if your dp is needed for child care, if you don’t have dc needing childcare it’s simply informing that I have plans

museumum · 02/09/2025 21:23

Somewhere in between I think - consult rather than tell or ask.
I’d say looks like the annual x weekend is going to be [dates] does that clash with anything?
he might say he needs the car that weekend for a commitment or that we’ve been invited to something and then I’ll get a lift with a friend or I’ll decide the invitation is more important (or not).

hellonuranus · 02/09/2025 21:24

Briningitallin · 02/09/2025 18:45

You don’t need his permission, fuck that.

How respectful...

Lavender14 · 02/09/2025 21:25

LavenderBlue19 · 02/09/2025 18:48

Pre-child, inform. Now we have a child, check in to make sure it's ok.

This, its not about asking permission it's about checking the responsibilities of the household are covered and the other person knows they're going to be carrying your share for a certain period of time. It should work both ways and be a natural part of communication between a healthy couple I think.

Cynic17 · 02/09/2025 21:26

I tell, so "oh, by the way, I'll be in London for 2 nights from 2nd September", or whatever.
I never seek permission, because I'm an adult so don't require it.
And it works both ways, so my husband will say something similar to me. He doesn't need permission to go away either.
It's just common sense, and respect.

Cinaferna · 02/09/2025 21:27

Not permission. But it's only fair to check the dates work for him, if you have children he'd be caring for single-handedly that weekend or in case he had hoped to do something together that couldn't be postponed, like a gig.

Floundering66 · 02/09/2025 21:29

Before becoming parents we would tell eachother, now with a 1.5 year old we ask for permission to use the loo 😂 … I would word it “do you mind if I go out on X date” as I wouldn’t be too happy if he TOLD me he was playing golf on X date.

ClaredeBear · 02/09/2025 21:29

I check to make sure we’ve nothing else going on that weekend.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/09/2025 21:33

You don’t have young children so I assume there isn’t a chore you are high-handedly assigning to him when you go away.

In which case, of course there’s not ‘permission’ needed.

The fact that he used that word, and expects it, would be LTB (Leave the Bastard in Mumsnet-speak) territory. I go away for weeks with a friend and we talk about money and evenness and childcare and all that. But still, there’s no ‘permission’. He did ask me not to do too much proper adventure travel when DD was very small. I listened to that! But he’s always been supportive.

MissHollysDolly · 02/09/2025 21:33

We run things past each other, “the girls are going away on X day. Nothings on the family calendar - any issues before I commit?” He does the same.

Kayemm · 02/09/2025 21:45

Recent conversation in our house...

Dh "Dave's asked if I fancy going to London on such a date to watch whoever, it'll be Friday to Sunday, that ok?"

Me "yeah want a lift to the station?"

Not permission, just normal adult consideration. Would be exactly the same the other way.

InMyShowgirlEra · 02/09/2025 21:52

Going away for whole weekends isn't really something we do as we have a young child at home and anyway, we want to spend our weekends with each other. But if I'm going out I'll ask if it's OK. I don't know what I'd do if he said no, but he wouldn't, unless there was a really good reason.