Informing your husband or seeking permission

[Naturallyb]

I've recently joined mumsnet. I have two questions and wanted to start with this one.

When going away with friends for a weekend, does anyone seek permission or tell/inform their partner/husband that they are going. I tell mine have been going for over 15 years but my husband would like me to seek permission.

If it would mean he would be doing childcare I would normally do (we share school drop offs and pick ups), I'd ask just so he could be aware to work around those commitments, but he'd always accommodate me, as would I him.

Before children, I'd stick it in the calendar and go.

Pre-DC it would have been something like "Allison and I are thinking of a trip to XYZ on the weekend of October 7th. Any reason that wouldn't work?" It's a chance for him to say "I think my mum's birthday dinner will end up being planned for that weekend" or "I was hoping we could do a long weekend in early October ourselves, will you be able to fit both in or should I look at November?"

Not permission, but recognition that we share our lives.

If you have joint finances and don't have a designated budget for independent travel then I think partners do need to agree on spending trip by trip, though. DH and I have always kept individual budget pots that this sort of travel comes out of so that isn't an issue - the money I spend on travel with friends or alone doesn't affect what we have to spend jointly.

We have a shared family calendar, so I look in the calendar to check for clashes (we put everything in it as do the teen kids, so theoretically kid related stuff involving needing lifts - especially if two different teenagers have commitments such as sports matches in different places at the same time - is in the calendar.)

If nothing clashes I'd say "I was thinking of doing x from date to date, there's nothing in the calendar, is it okay with you if I book it?"

BUT although I'm phrasing it as asking it's really telling. It wouldn't cross my mind he'd say no unless it was due to something kid related we'd/ they'd forgotten to put in the calendar, or I'd looked at the wrong date somehow and there was something clashing in already.

He does exactly the same including phrasing it the same way.

Years ago when money was tighter we'd have double checked financing it with one another and it might not have been possible for that reason. Things were unequal on that front for a bit when we had multiple small children and that had to be thrashed out, but isn't really relevant now as long as it's just something modest - neither of us are flying long haul on jollies or anything.

how about him, does he inform you or ask your permission?

It’s considerate to ask your partner if going away is convenient for them. Not a question of asking permission.

I would probably say 'are you doing anything on x weekend? I'm going away with the girls'. I wouldn't ask permission!

I ask because we have small kids, otherwise I’d be informing but equally when I ask he never says no because I don’t take the piss. What exactly is his problem? Does he not want you to go? Or does he want you to ask for the sake of it?

If there are no responsibilities like children or pets, I’d just inform him. As it is we have a teenager and a dog so the discussion is “there’s x on y date, is it ok if I…” He does the same.

Hell no to 'permission'. But yes to swapping information - logistical, financial and whatever else matters, and working on arrangements together. That's what spouses do.

TBH, DH loved planning a trip for/with me. He loved finding the bargin flights and helping book the cheap hire cars, good deal accomodation. He was a champ on that front. So engaged in the minutiae that he wasn't bothered by the implied reality of my absence. And when he was parenting solo, he rose to that.

Permission ? No way !

We simply say ' thinking of going to ' insert place' on X date . Do you have any plans? if not I'll go ahead and book .

Sometimes we may have in our heads something like we'll take the kids to a set place and not written it down on calendar. So we just check 1st.

I had an ex who tried to say I had to ask if I wanted to go out. I laughed the 1st time , the 2nd time I realised he was deadly serious. I dumped his ass !

I bet he doesn't ask your permission for anything. But spends lots of time online...

I don’t ask for permission, that feels like the wrong word but I do mention it before confirming just to make sure it’s ok in the sense of there being no pre-existing clashes.

By the same turn DP will often say ‘Have we got any plans for X,Y,Z? If not, you ok if I catch up with the guys?’

Having to get explicit permission feels a bit toxic but if you’re following the same rules and it works for you both it’s kind of irrelevant what others do

I don't like the phrase seeking permission.
That sounds t
Really antiquated.
I have been away with friends before and I always mention it to my DH at least a week before I go, and there has never been a problem, he thinks that it's good for me to go for a break and to enjoy myself with my friends.
Seeking " permission '?
Never would I do that.

In my house it’s “I’m off away with the girls on (insert date)”
and that’s it. Nobody should be asking permission !!

This.

‘Have we got anything planned for xyz’
NO
‘Great me and the girls are planning a weekend away I’ll be going Friday coming back Sunday’

I would never ask for permission or his approval and I would never expect him to ask for permission or approval

if dates were mentioned that clashed with something that is prearranged we would discuss if dates could be changed etc but no permission.

Somewhere in between the two.

Its not “permission” but equally, we have two young children, so I would certainly expect more than just being told “I’m going away in a few weeks” if it was him. We don’t grant each other permission, we discuss it.

@SummerFrog25, we had words yesterday and he actually said. "You've arranged to go away with xyz you didn't even seek permission".

He's never liked me going. When the kids were younger it would cause a row, or he'd come back late after we'd agreed that he'd drop me to the station. So I stopped asking to be dropped and made alternative arrangements.

I didn't ask why he thinks I need permission.

PS, what does DH stand for.

My husband goes away a lot as he does voluntary work and also has a couple of hobbies. I’d say he mostly runs the dates past me ( adhd prevailing 😀) and I do the same on holidays or weekends with the girls. Our son is fully grown now but when he was little we would diarise our calendars . It works great.

@Summerhillsquare , do you have a camera at my house😊.

I’ll be in x with y for the week of the z.

D is dear. Or H in your case.

Weirdo. Is he viewing lots of 'manosphere' crap online, or has he always been a domineering prat? What happens when he forbids something and you do it anyway?

DH = Dear Husband.

www.mumsnet.com/i/acronyms

I say Im planning such a thing on such a date, we don’t have plans then do we? If the answer is no, I crack on.

I'd check thd calendar to see it didn't clash with anything then I'd tell him I was going.

Neither of us is answerable to, nor needs permission from, the other.