Neighbour now being off..

[pittypartay]

Lived in our house 5 years now. We’re a family of 4 with primary aged kids and they’re a retired couple in their late 70s/early 80s.

When we moved in we were very pleasant to them, and they were extremely friendly back. TBH it felt a bit suffocating, and they would knock our door if they hadn’t seen us all weekend type thing. We felt they were a bit relaxed with us, telling us all the details of every aspect of their lives and in turn asking us millions of questions about ours, where we grew up, how our relationship is with our family etc, it felt intrusive.

Over time DH and I pulled away, but we’re always friendly when we needed to be. We tried to be busy but never rude type thing.
Luckily the door knocks stopped and the million questions stopped, but we still had to not give too much or they would start falling back into their old ways. It’s felt like we’ve had to manage the situation in some ways, but it was working and we have felt much more comfortable with the relationship.

However since the last couple of months (it was the man’s 80th but we didn’t know what day and didn’t really think to buy him a card or present), it seems they have really taken offence and now blank us. WWYD? We’re tempted to just accept this as it feels a bit easier but at the same time it feels a bit odd that they now don’t like us at all!

Hopefully the birthday cards and christmas cards will stop too. This is what you were looking for
so accept it and move on?

Seems to me like they’ve realised that their attention is unwanted and giving you space.

It’s totally the birthday card thing. I couldn’t handle all of that at all… that’s a thing I would dread happening to me. I’d want to move. I hate that some neighbours have expectations like that … it’s imposing and stifling to me, I know we’re not all the same but it’s how I feel. For me it would be … if you’re in serious shit, phone or knock my door and I’ll help you if I can and I’ll smile and be respectful and you can have a Christmas card and I could probably water your plants, I’ll take a parcel in and I could feed a cat … let your kids sit in my home if you’re in a situation etc … that’s it. They took it too far for your liking because they wanted to meet their needs at the expense of yours. I would find this hard but I’d find a way to just be fine with them ignoring me. It’ll get easier as time goes on and it’s better than the way it used to be. They messed it all up not you.

Bullet. Dodged.

Did your children send thank you cards for the gifts? Some people take offence if the gifts are not acknowledged.

Just accept it and don't do anything. I wouldn't be bothered worried about buying presents for neighbours, especially when you say you don't even know when it was. Personally I'd be glad to not be part of a gift giving arrangement with neighbours as it's just something else to add to my to do list.

What an appalling attitude.

If there were more people like you in the world, it would be a far worse place.

They got the message. Since you don't want them in your lives, and they have realized this, leave well alone.

I would just go with it. You’re getting what you wanted after all? We have elderly neighbours also and we only really bother each other if there’s a genuine reason e.g a shared fence repair. We are perfectly pleasant towards each other when we do speak but we don’t go out of our way to converse day to day.

Quite. An absolutely hideous attitude.

It could have been worded better but what do you want OP to do ideally? Bend over backwards and beg them to be friends again? At some point when someone's being a twat to you, you do need to mentally draw a line under it and leave them to it.

You made your point, now they are making theirs. They are not interested in whatever level of neighborliness you want to offer, just as you weren't interested in their friendship. It seems like the best outcome all round.

I suspect it's a generational thing. They're in their 80's & in their world neighbours probably had more to do with each other. Wives were SAHM, husbands went to work. Neighbours had more time to spend with each other.

In the 1960's/ 70's my mother didn't HAVE to work to pay for the mortgage & bills, she chose to work because she was intelligent & wanted a career. Most of my friend's mothers were SAHM. As children we didn't tend to go to clubs & out of school activities - we had after school school-based clubs (gymnastics, school orchestra, school choir that kind of thing) at weekends & light evenings we went out to play.

The world has moved on. Both parents need to work in order to maintain a household.

It's kind of them to remember your children's birthdays, Christmas etc. It's also good to have neighbours who are home all day who can take deliveries & keep an eye on your house. In order to maintain good relations, I think that I'd address the 80th birthday. I'd knock on their door with some flowers, apologise for missing the birthday, explain that you didn't know the exact date, would have brought chocolates, cake or similar, but weren't sure if one of them was diabetic or had allergies so thought flowers the safest option. I'd say how much I value them for being such good neighbours, explain that, as a busy family you are not able to give them as much attention as you would like, but they are so lucky in having lots of family & friends around them.

I live on an estate for people over the age of 55. I have a neighbour who lives opposite me who is very similar both she & her husband are in their late 70's early 80's. She's lonely I know her husband isn't much company for her, and often I hear him shouting at her in a way that is downright abusive. Sometimes I don't dare put something in my bin because I can see her prowling around with a handful of photos of her latest GGC just waiting for someone to show them to. I pop out with my work lanyard around my neck (even if I'm not working) & say 'Hello <neighbour> sorry, got to be rude, but I'm working ATM' my next door neighbour (also opposite this neighbour) always keeps a duster next to her door & when the gossipy neighbour knocks, answers the door with duster in hand saying 'sorry can't stop house is a disgrace got to crack on...bye'.

But then, when I have the time, I knock on her door & will ask how she is & say 'you wanted to show me some photos the other day when I was working from home, can I see them now?' A little kindness goes a long way &, as I say I feel sorry for her.

I have no problem with anyone advising OP to just let the relationship drop. It was the utter coldness and disrespect for (friendly) elderly people that I found so appalling.

I would do exactly as @Ilovepastafortea advises for all the same reasons.

I haven’t RTFT but think you have been rude not to buy him a card & gift for 80th & they are upset about it. They make an effort for your DC and I think you should send a belated something.

Talking about good neighbours. My DH got up in the early hours (03:00ish) for a pee, then, having woken the dog who wanted to be let out, he noticed that a neighbour's back door was wide open, curtains open & the TV obviously still on. Cut a long story short, the poor neighbour had fallen in the afternoon, been lying on the floor for more than 10 hours with a broken hip & was in a very sorry state. We've both been 1st aid trained through work, so put a pillow under her head, a blanket over her & called an ambulance & didn't let her have the cup of tea that she was begging for, just gave her a very small sip of water as she was very dehydrated, but couldn't let her have too much as we knew she would probably need to go into surgery sooner rather than later. Both of us and my lovely spaniel who cuddled up to her, sat with her until the ambulance arrived which, fortunately it did within 30n minutes. Lucky my DH needed a pee otherwise she may have not survived the night.

Let them get on with it. I'm on cordial terms with most of my neighbours but not to the extent of dropping in on them and tbh I find that easier to manage.

You've been avoiding them for years and now you're surprised/confused/uncomfortable that they are now ignoring you?
Only on Mumsnet.....

They sound quite 'all or nothing' people, especially if they have friends and family around. If you're wanting to see if you can salvage a relationship with them, I'd probably try a cheery 'hello, how are you'? each time you see them. Honestly, I wouldn't want the level of intrusion you were getting previously, so I'd probably send a Christmas card and acknowledge them if I saw them. Maybe ask the kids if they want to help make a card.

I get that 80 is a big birthday, but it's also a bit cringey that an adult would get upset enough to blank their neighbours (and their parents) who they've previously had a friendly relationship with, over not receiving a card. Most people that sort of age that I know would think nothing of dropping in that it was their 'big' birthday and gauged your response before deciding whether it was an oversight or deliberate slight.

So you're asking how to cope with being blanked by them 🤣🤣🤣
Just keep calm and carry on.

They haven't just 'stepped back' and they’re not 'just matching [the OP's] energy' – she and her DH are still happy to say hello and be polite and in return they're blanking them. Not equal at all.

However, OP, I do think you've dodged a bullet!

Oh go back to bed.

If the cunty neighbours are miserable due to a poxy birthday that the OP has no obligation to acknowledge or give a shit about (granted, she didnt know, so same difference), thats the neighbours problem.

Its the neighbours behaving like wankers so they should be treated as such, especially at their age. Clearly 80 years old and learnt fuck all.

Apologists and wokies are whats wrong with the world today. JFC.

So they buy your kids birthday and Christmas presents and cards and you couldn't be bothered enough to find out when their 80th was and you're wondering why they're ignoring you.

Wow, unkind comments

They sound like a nightmare. I like to have a friendly but distant relationship with my neighbours (where saying hello and nothing more is acceptable, with the occasional chit chat every so often). Birthday cards, door knocking etc would be way too much for me.

Just carry on as normal being friendly. It sounds like their ideas of a nice relationship with their neighbours is different to yours. They may be disappointed or even offended by this but you aren't doing anything wrong, it's perfectly fine to want more distance with your neighbours than they were giving you at the start.