If you get on with your mum as an adult…

[Cleome]

I’m not getting on too well with mine at the moment and I’m sad about it. I’d hate for my kids to feel the same way about me one day (they are only small). So if you get on with your mum, what’s she like? What makes your relationship as adults work?

I don’t get on with mine either but it’s not through lack of effort on my side.

Looking forward to reading the replies as I feel like giving up having a relationship with mine.

Get on great, willingly hang out, drink coffee/wine. Will often head over for spa nights (aka drink lots of wine) and watch crap films and eat rubbish.

I have a really amazing relationship with my mum, so does my sister, but I’d say that is mainly because to an extent once we were adults she stepped back from the “mum” stuff in terms of not telling us what to do, she never judges us, she’s always happy to listen without having to jump in with suggestions, she just trusts and loves us I suppose and accepts that we are our own people. Her and my husband also have an equally amazing relationship as do her and my sister’s fiance so not just us!

@PamIsAVolleyballChamp what made your relationship so strong? I’m trying to work out both why mine isn’t, and to build better with my kids. Sounds lovely!

@MamaElephantMama it’s hard isn’t it, mine is so self obsessed and everything is about the effect on her, it gets in the way of anything meaningful. I don’t think it used to this extreme though.

Mum is very tolerant so there is never any judgment and we just get on.

Love that @mrsttcno1 (And genuine heartfelt all the best if your username is still relevant ❤️). That’s very much not how my mum has been, I’m her only child and she’s got very strong views about my life, how it should be and the effect on her. So very different! Thank you

My mum died last year but we got on really well. We were quite alike i think, similar sense of humour etc and I just loved her so much that even if we were very different, I would have done anything to make our relationship work.

She started taking me out to do special things with her from 6/7 - getting a breakfast out together or a cup of tea when we did the shopping. So then we kept that up my whole life. She also butted out of most of my decisions from about 18-35. I’d know if she disapproved but she respected that I needed to make mistakes.

Mine is the same. My head could be hanging off and she would make it about how inconvenienced she is, although she wouldn’t be offering any kind of support anyway.

She’s never wanted to be my friend so lunch out or a coffee is out of the question but never mind. I do everything girly with my own daughger.

I get on really well with my mum.

She doesn’t judge me. She’s always willing to help me and support me if I need it (I have autism and run my own business that she sometimes supports me with). She makes an effort with my animals even though they’re not her thing. She makes an effort to do things I can tolerate even though I know she’d rather be doing something else.

She’s genuinely one of my best friends and I am so so lucky to have her.

I've never had an argument with my mum. Not even as a teenager.
She's just really nice, kind and generous. She'd do anything for me and my dc. She's never bossy or judgy.

It would be really difficult to fall out with her.

Sorry for you loss @Deadringer. I promise it’s not lack of will on my part - I’m sad about it. Only too aware life is short and don’t want to make the same mistakes with my kids.

My mum is the most incredible, strong, patient, understanding, caring and selfless person I know.
I’ve never had an arguement with her in 44 years.
She wasn’t a strict mum growing up as such but I had boundaries…and I knew I couldn’t cross them.
My brother and I both have so much respect for her and can talk to her about anything. She never judges, only offers advice when asked and is always fair.

She always told me “I’m not your friend, I’m your Mum but I’ll be the best friend you’ll ever have”

And that is so true.

I'm so jealous reading all the positive posts about mum. I wish I can be that to mine.

She's tolerant, kind, will do anything for you kind of person and most importantly we just get on..we're very similar personalities I think. She also really does / has done so much for me and my sister with our kids, she's a super gran!

I’m a mum of adult sons.
A daughter of a selfish self obsessed woman.

IMO, you just need to recognise the other person does not belong to you, respect them as an autonomous individual.

The mothers who frankly aren’t worth working to build a relationship with don’t consider you as anything other than how you relate to or reflect upon them. Do you make them look good, do you do what they want you to do etc.

Mine considers people who don’t give her what she wants when she wants it ‘uncaring, ungrateful, and lacking empathy’.

You only exist in as much as you relate to her. If you do something she doesn’t like, she sees it as a terrible betrayal, you failing to play the part of a living daughter.

So there’s no point trying to build a good relationship with such a person, can’t be done.

Interesting question. A lot if it comes down to the personalities involved. And how much you want it to work.

I’ve worked out over time how to have a good relationship with my mum. It hasn’t come naturally and It has required an effort but it’s worth it for family togetherness. We are both mellowing as we get older (52 and 79 now), and we’ve had a lot of practice at spending extended periods together. I don’t live in the UK, so tend not to see her for ages then bam - we are together for a fortnight, surrounded by family.

We quite often have evenings together when my dad and DH take our boys away, so it’s just me, mum and a bottle of wine. I quite like hearing stories about her growing up, her family - and it means I don’t have to share anything too personal with her. I don’t tell her ‘everything’ and she wouldn’t want me to. It’s the same the other way - she had treatment for early stage cancer, and didn’t tell anyone except my dad. We aren’t friends - we both have enough of those. She’s my mum and I love her, annoying though she can be - she’s generous and patient and a brilliant grandmother. She can also be controlling, passive agressive and talks over people endlessly 🙄.

And how much you want it to work.

this isn’t meant to imply that other posters ‘aren’t trying hard enough’ btw, just that I personally have had to dig a little bit into my reserves of patience / tolerance to make it work - and it had been worth it. It doesn’t always work.

Thank you! I actually haven’t updated my username in years, currently sat with my sleeping 1 year old on my chest while 7 months pregnant with her little brother and very grateful, but thank you anyway!

I think from my own experience with my mum, mine/my husband’s experience with MIL and hearing from my friends, those of us who have strong relationships still with our parents are those who have parents who genuinely and truly do just love their children as adults and want to stay part of each others lives, rather than parents who still think they have any real control over their adult children’s lives.

My husband has had a pretty much none-existent relationship with his own mum since he was about 16, I would have loved to be close to my MIL but she is just not a nice person and doesn’t treat anybody particularly well. In contrast my sister also has an amazing relationship with her soon to be MIL, and so do I, she is just like my mum a truly lovely woman and despite the fact she is only my sister’s MIL she always invites us ALL over for dinner, if she’s having her grandkids round at the weekend to play me & my daughter are always invited, she is another just absolutely amazing lady!

I think if you just strive to be a nice person that really does all the work for you x

This. Sounds like we had very similar mothers. I spent 36 years trying to find the magic cure for our relationship, bent myself in all shapes and ended up physically poorly. I've had 12 glorious years of freedom. I've been reassured by reading these posts that me and my dd will have a brighter future.

I lost my mum 11 years ago this Christmas, we fought like cat and dog in my teenage years (all my fault) but could not have been closer when I was an adult. She died when I was 35 and whilst I feel robbed of many many more years (she was 61), I count myself as I believably lucky to have had that relationship as an adult.

i think we were both respectful, honest and seriously would do anything for each other.

im also nc with a sibling and im at peace with that as whilst sad, we are just too difference. Different values and morals to live in harmony so we don’t fight but don’t talk, so i appreciate things can be hard.

I get on well with my mum and my 17 year old daughter. My mum had a very strained relationship with her mum. My dgm was very self centred and dismissive of my mum. In contrast my mum is really supportive of me, caring and loving. We are lucky that we have similar tastes, so do enjoy similar interests which is pretty lucky. Although I also got on really well with my dad and we were quite different, but kind and supportive of each other, he was the sort of person who looked for the good in people.

So I think kindness and respect is the key really. My mum never tried to control or manipulate me, I always felt safe and supported and I am trying to foster a similar relationship with my daughter. I think making a bit of an effort on both sides is important, my parents split up so dad had to have a relationship with me independent of mum and we both made the effort to call each other, made time to go out for lunch every now and again and even go away for the odd weekend, I’m so, so glad we did, he died 6 years ago and I’ve got such good memories. Do miss him so much though.

I get along very well with my mother these days but it’s not always been plain sailing. I think it works on the basis that I chose to draw a line under her letting me down quite seriously as a child and as a teenager when it came to various abuses from my father and my (ex) step father and that she has (now!) accepted she doesn’t get a say in how I live my life or in the choices I make. It’s taken a long time to get here, and I was close to going NC with her in my very late teens/earlt twenties at the height of our issues, but now, at 31 with two small children, we’re close, and she’s a fantastic grandmother. I love her, dearly, I just have to accept that the past is what it is, and that although perhaps she also wishes it went differently, we cannot change it now.

My mum and I are best mates. We are completely different, but it works. She is kind, caring and my biggest supporter. We spend a lot of time together- talking, shopping trips, coffee out, walking our dogs.
We never argue. We might disagree about something but it doesn’t descend into an argument because there’s no need.
I love her very much 😊

I got on with my mum when she was alive , I think we had a similar outlook and we had a lovely childhood so nothing really to fall out about .