If you get on with your mum as an adult…

[Cleome]

I’m not getting on too well with mine at the moment and I’m sad about it. I’d hate for my kids to feel the same way about me one day (they are only small). So if you get on with your mum, what’s she like? What makes your relationship as adults work?

Sorry I see now you wanted positive stories 🤣

Sorry to hear @WingingItSince1973 well done for breaking free x any stories are helpful!

I’ve not replied to everyone but this is a really honest and helpful conversation, thank you all

Thank you, I think boundaries is what’s lacking with mine. She thinks she should be involved and opinionated on every aspect of my life and it isn’t working out, but she responds very badly to me trying to change that. Likewise she doesn’t have many close friends, and isn’t very honest with those she has, so tries to use me as her best friend to discuss every aspect of her life with, and as her daughter, I’m not always the right person. However currently I’m stuck as to how to change this, there needs be will on both sides.

This is so true. I can have a short fuse especially with PMS but I apologise to my children readily and we talk about it. My 4yo is really very good at apologising for his age as well! My mum is allergic to apologising - either she didn’t do anything wrong, we’re overreacting, or it’s an “I’m the worst person ever and you hate me and I’ll never see my grandchildren” kind of apology designed to somehow get us to apologise. It’s awful and I’m definitely doing it differently with my kids!

I had a ok relationship with my mum but not close, very much on a small talk basis.
im close to both my adult dds, talk regularly, see each other regularly and share our lives with each other. They are 23 and 25, I’m hopeful it will continue

Respect, tolerance, appreciation.

They are not our friends or equals, in their minds, no matter how old we are.

They are never going to be our generation.

We don't know everything about them and never will.

They shielded us as children and they keep up the guard. They're not perfect and deserve compassion and grace.

Wine helps, sometimes, too!

The absolute key is that she never judges me or forces any opinions on me, or places any expectations as to how much she expects to be involved in our lives.

No, shes not perfect (I know, who is), and has caused me stress in some ways but I can always forgive her because I know that her intentions are good and she will support and not judge me no matter what. She’s never tried to influence my life decisions or choices of partner even if she privately wasn’t keen on them.

all this means we are now very close. She was my choice of birthing partner x3, I can confide in her about anything and know she will be more of a sounding board rather than force strong opinions as to what I should do. I make an effort to see her at least once a week and we choose to bring her on holiday with us twice a year too as she’s on her own and she is an easygoing person to travel with.

I think I’m a bit prone to being a control freak in a few aspects of life so know I’ll have to work extra hard on not being like that as my kids grow up or it would push them away- I’ve seen that with many friends and their mums.

My mum has always let me make my own decisions and mistakes from my teens until the present day. She’s there to support me but never judges. I am so lucky to have her.
I know she may not agree with every choice I’ve made but has never expressed it. Just given gentle, respectful advice and wisdom.
Now we are the best of friends, as well as mother and daughter. We meet up to watch our favourite shows together and do cold water swimming together every Sunday(I NEVER saw her go in the sea until 2 years ago when she decided to join me on my weekly dips—now she goes more regularly than I do! She is in her seventies and the cold used to be her kryptonite).
When my kids were small she and my dad helped us out so much and now we support each other. I help her out if she needs it with anything practical (and vice versa), but more than that, we support each other emotionally. She is the bravest, strongest, kindest person I know.

@Cleome are you me? 🤣 Our mums sound like the same person. I love my mum and she loves me but boy, she can be hard work. I would say we get along but only if we talk about very superficial things. And of course her favourite topic - her! She’s always been like this but it’s been worse as she’s got older - or maybe I’ve only noticed it since I’ve got older. She’s estranged several old friends too with her selfishness/opinionated ways.
My dad died at only 52 when we were all young adults, and that was horrendous for her, but she did seem to forget that her three children had also lost their wonderful dad. It was all about her grief, what she would do now etc
She’s always supportive though, and tries not to let her judging show, mostly. Also she’s witty and intelligent, even if she’s very entrenched in some of her views.
I’ve just had to accept that nobody’s perfect and we will never have the kind of mum-daughter relationship where we’re actually friends. She is a good granny, I appreciate that. However, I bet she couldn’t tell you what I do for a job in any detail whatsoever! She’s just not interested.🤷‍♀️

Ah so a big difference is she’s never shielded me! Only child and have always known every difficult thing in her life and been expected to support as a friend would. She forgets the things that affect her, often affects me in my own right. She vanished from the parent role when things were hard for her. In return, she wants a lot of input into my life and my choices. It’s not working!

Sorry to hear about your dad. Mine is alive but has been very unwell at times, and it’s all been about her. I had to keep going to keep everyone going as a child. They do sound very similar! I think mine has got worse since retiring tbh. Work enlarged her world a little.

Ohh sorry to hear it, OP.

Parents who want to be friends with kids always seem to make a mess of things.

The only advice I have, if you want a relationship with her, is accept the past as the past and see her as a flawed adult who happens to be your mother.

You can't change or explain their behaviour, then or now, and it's exhausting and soul destroying to attempt what is doomed to fail.

So, try to accept her as she is and be grateful that you have learned how NOT to be by her example.

Sometimes, learning what not to do or be is still a great lesson we can use in our lives, and as examples for our own children so we don't make the same mistakes.

I’ve realised over the years that I have absolutely nothing in common with my DM.

My parents are well off and lead a comfortable lifestyle but very much had the view that once you reach 18 you should be standing on your own 2 feet. They saw their role as providing me with an education to allow me to be independent.

As an adult they have shown minimal
interest in what I do. They have no idea what career path I’ve followed, what my DH does for a living, where my DS goes to school or indeed anything about what I’ve done for the last 25+ years. They don’t even know we’re married. They just aren’t interested.

My DM would never want to pop out for lunch or a coffee with me. I take DS to see her every few months but even that is starting to feel like a pointless chore. I have lived in my current home for 15 years. It’s about 15 minutes drive from her house. She’s never been here.

Of you’ve got a close relationship with your DM that’s great. If you haven’t, I wouldn’t bother trying to force it and would put your efforts into building up a support network of friends instead. If you have a baby and join all the baby groups you’ll be surprised at how many others are in a similar situation and only too happy to link up with you.

My mum also stepped back firm “mothering” me as I grew up. She never tells me what to do or shows anything but support for my decisions though she still loves to cook for me and will even cut up a plate of fruit and give it to me if I’m at hers.
She loves my dc but will always check up on me first.
She’s helpful and generous with love and actions. She never says a bad word about anyone and really dissuades any of us if we talk about anyone negatively, especially in laws. (Not including governments or people in power, then she can criticise as much as the next person)
She’s active and has her own life and loves to share news as well as hearing ours.
My mum is really lovely.

I've just been on holiday with 25yo DD. My mum is nearly 80 and has always been opinionated but we still have a great relationship, albeit at some distance.

I don’t want to make this a competition but I actually have the best Mum in the whole world 😅. I’m in my 60s and she has never been mean or unkind and she has never been anything other than kind and supportive. I don’t think she ever told me off but I presume she did when I was very little. She is also really good fun. My adults kids think she is amazing too. Even though one lives 6 hours away they will travel down to see her for the weekend.
I guess if I had any criticism it would be that she is a bit of a worrier but she tries her hardest to keep that to herself.
She has always been good fun as was my Dad so my childhood memories are very positive. I think having a nice Mum makes everything in life so much easier. It makes me feel so secure.

What an absolutely lovely thread. Really heart warming to hear about such lovely mothers.

It's a bit tricky with my mum now, as we live quite a long way apart and she has what we think are the beginnings of dementia . However, we get on well and always have. Tbh I get on with all members of my family - obviously they have their minor faults like we all do, but we have lots in common and plenty to talk about and always all got on really well.

Imo what makes parents and other family easy to get on with basically comes down to them being stable, well-adjusted people in the first place, probably resulting from a good childhood and having had good parents themselves. That's why it's usually self-perpetuating through the generations (whether good or bad).

My mum (and my dad too) would do anything for me. I'm in my 50s, but if I phoned them up and I was upset about something they would be trying to think of something they could do to help. I have to actively stop them now they're in their 80s and rather frail! It's hard to express how that feeling of "they've got my back" has been the bedrock for my entire life ❤️

I have a great relationship with my mum but it hasn't always been this way,she wasn't the best mother while I was growing up but she's definitely turned her life around and she's the best nanna to her grandchildren.
Although we dont have anything in common,we video call on the phone everyday and see each other atleast 3 times a month (we live 70miles away).
If I ever need her she's there and we love a good shopping trip.