If you get on with your mum as an adult…

[Cleome]

I’m not getting on too well with mine at the moment and I’m sad about it. I’d hate for my kids to feel the same way about me one day (they are only small). So if you get on with your mum, what’s she like? What makes your relationship as adults work?

my mum was my best friend and rock until about 6 years ago. I didn’t meet DH until my mid 30s and I preferentially hung out with my mum before then. Obviously our relationship changed when DH came on the scene, but she was still my best friend. About 6 years ago we relocated to be near her and things have gone rapidly downhill (one factor was her promising childcare if we moved and then withdrawing the offer after we moved)culminating in her rewriting her will and excluding me from it on the basis that I’d had her time and, in her opinion, I didn’t need any money. (And before I get piled on this isn’t about money, it’s about fairness. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark).
we used to see each other most days and talk every day, now we can go a week without speaking. I feel like I’ve lost my mum and my best friend and I can’t see it ever getting better.

@MyAcornWood that’s really honest, thank you. I’m so sorry you went through all that

I have a good relationship with my Mum. We don’t always agree on things, and we don’t really have a lot of interests in common but I make an effort to see her for coffee at least once a week and we go to the cinema or perhaps for lunch every month or so. She’s not perfect but that’s ok because frankly neither am I and I accept and love her for who she is. I have a very good relationship with my own daughters (now 19 and 22) and I hope that’s in part because they also accept me, warts and all, as they have seen me do.

Sorry to hear @purplebutterups. It sounds a bit similar to mine, we live close, and she both talks about doing a lot of childcare but then messes around so we can’t rely on her, so we make other arrangements, and get self pity about her not seeing them. It’s impossible for us to get it “right”! And since she retired, she’s taken up a number of hobbies she attends rigidly, so isn’t actually very available at all - which would be fine if it wasn’t then somehow my fault when she hasn’t seen them!

My mum can be really really hard work. She can sometimes be mean and unthinking, and a lot of people don’t like her.

However, all 6 of her adult children still talk to her and see her as regularly as we can. It’s because she was a really good mum and is a great grandparent. She has time for us, helps us with our kids, now she’s retired (former cleaner) she cleans mine and my brother’s houses (paid of course).

Sometimes she wasn’t the best mum in the world - lost her temper and threw my brothers x box out the window, threw my oasis CD out the car when I asked for Wonderwall for the millionth time… she had a bit of a temper. Never hit us but sometimes she could be crazy. She has never ever displayed any of these behaviours around any of her grandkids though, she is so patient with them (way more than me but she can give them back I guess).

Also I don’t hold things against her, don’t sweat the small stuff. She gives my kids too many sweets when she never let us have any, and that annoys me a little, but not worth arguing over.

Probably the most important thing is that she can get on with my dad now. They had a messy divorce and for years they couldn’t be in a room together. This made my life harder, made the kids life harder, and was annoying. They have now overcome this and her, my dad, and my step mum (who wasn’t the OW or anything) can get on. I respect them both for that.

I also think she is very cool which probably helps.

She’s my best friend and I am secretly jealous of her son and daughter - in-laws because who the hell has such a good mother-in-law 😂

She has always been supportive even if she doesn’t agree with the approach. She doesn’t really get annoyed with stuff and always goes with the flow to make things easy for everyone else. Her giggle is contagious; she has a big heart and reminds me what will be will be.

She can irritate me with her “toxic positivity” but overall she gets it. My dad is a grumpy old fart and can be rude to her at times; I love them both but I get frustrated with my dad for being a dick sometimes. She just tells me “It’s always been like this so what’s another day..” I wish I was more like her really.

My Mum died last year, she was so kind and non judgemental, always supportive of my decisions and my biggest fan in life! By no means perfect but she was mine 💚

My mother is just the same as she was when I was younger... forgetful, chatty, terrible at cooking, mostly calm and willing to put up with me and my random invitations to try new things! She also continues to remind and warn me to be careful... and I occasionally have to remind her that I am a functioning adult all by myself now 😁

The kettle helps, and there are usually some biscuits somewhere (once you wade past the scarily healthy chickpea crisps and the likes). Since I moved away, we don't see each other very often, which gives us both a bit of space to develop our own interests. When we meet up, we might go shopping, for a meal, to the garden centre or the pictures, or I might invite her to go indoor skiing or something. Like I said, she will try most new things! Sometimes it's just walking the dogs and chatting, which is just as nice, and then we all have a nice time, and even the dogs are smiling at the end of it!

Same as I get on with most people tbh - focus on points of unity rather than division. In addition, as I've got older I've understood her better and how she parented. She wasn't a perfect mother but neither am I.

My mum wasn’t a great mum to me as a kid and teen - not terrible but not great. My dad could be very difficult indeed (and while I know lots of people say this, I do wonder if he was ASD - things I’ve since heard about his childhood make me think that too) and I don’t think my mum stepped in enough.

However, he died relatively young (when I was 30) and I do think that improved thing a lot with my mum - both for herself and for our relationship.

I don’t think I’m any great shakes, but from her side her number one quality was that she was the least judgemental person ever, and always has been. Doesn’t get involved, keeps her opinions to herself.

By the time she does a few years back we were pretty close in a calm, quiet kind of way. I miss her. Never really missed my dad.

I’m really hearing accepting, not judgmental as the biggest theme… my mum is extremely judgmental (of me, of everyone!) and has impossibly high standards. I think that’s our sticking point really, I can’t please her and a few incidents this year have made not want to try.

Out of interest does she walk the walk- ie. live up to those standards herself? I feel like my mum has always had quite high standards of expected behaviour but she's not expecting anything that she wouldn't do.

My mum and I were at each other’s throats when I was a teen. She was a single mum and a stressed teacher and I had undiagnosed autism and MH issues. She couldn’t back off from vocally worrying about me which I took as constant criticism and not a little hypocrisy. It wasn’t good.

I got medicated, she retired and I moved out Now we get on brilliantly!

Interesting question. Kind of in that she’s slim and fit (I am not, and have always known she hates fat people and considers it lazy!), very tidy house, perfect garden - but she had one child and didn’t work until I was at school. I’ve got 2 under 5 and am working a hard, shift job, I can’t meet her standards (and tbh I think her house is TOO tidy, you can’t relax in it it’s practically sterile!)

My mum is a truly lovely person, very selfless and just a delight to be around really. We can chat away for hours about everything and she would never judge. She’s ‘home’ to me and I’m so lucky to have her.

Yes I’m finding this so helpful. I was seeing the theme that being non judgmental and only giving advice when asked as being the key factors. I’m the same as you. It’s hard to figure out how to be when there was no role model to copy it from. Most evenings I think about this and run through in my head how I was in the day because I’m desperate to have a different relationship with my children.

I get on well with my mum now I’m an adult. As a teen, it was rough!

We’re quite similar. To the point that DH can’t say he didn’t know what he married because he’s met my mum and I’m just 30 years behind her. The similarities are what caused most of our falling out as a teen. Well, plus usual teen dick behaviour. It helped having my grandma who would make a comment that I was just doing what my mum did. It did sometimes wind my mum up, reverting back to the child relationship, but I think she recognised it was true.

My mum was fairly strict. She shouted and told me off when I broke her boundaries. But she also had my back. So if school called her in, she would get the story from the teacher first then get my side. If she felt I’d been misbehaving at school she would have bollocked me. However, when school called her in because they’d confused me with someone else, she had my back and made sure school knew not to confuse me with someone else again.

As an adult, there have a few rocky moments where we’ve re-established boundaries. My boundaries towards her and tried to break that young child/teen and parent relationship to adult child relationship. It’s not always a natural or easy process, so sometimes it’s picking battles on my side and sometimes it’s just letting something stew for a bit. We haven’t argued since I was a teen and I think that is both of us mellowing a bit.

@MamaElephantMamai completely empathise with that...my husband left me out of the blue after over 25 years together and my mum cried and shouted at me about how much it was impacting her. She didn't used to be like this, I think she's changed since my dad died.

The flip side of being non-judgemental is being interested. My mum has a strong dose of always having to be right (which I’m desperately fighting in myself because I’ve inherited it!) but she’s never actively sought my opinion or asked me how I felt or anything like that. We are close in some ways but emotionally distant. She’s like that with everyone - very self contained, no really close friends. We’re both quite introverted but I’ve never got the impression she particularly wants to spend time with me (or her grandchildren) though I think she’d deny that. If I didn’t ring them, my parents would never call me (we live far away from each other) but we share stuff in the family WhatsApp most days. My sister lives 10 minutes away and it would be the same for her - if she didn’t drop by or ring them they wouldn’t see her.

We get on well, she occasionally drives me nuts and oversteps a little (likes to believe I’m 5 and tell me how I feel ), but otherwise we have a laugh and don’t take anything too seriously. It helps that Dad and my brother are both serious, so we like to have a gossip about that.

I think it also helps that we don’t live close to each other, so aren’t in each others pockets (live an hour apart)

There’s 3 of us and we all have a fantastic relationship with our Mum. When we were kids she was firm but fair, she raised us on her own and we knew how hard she worked and how much she did for us. Now she is more a friend to us and a second Mum to all of our children. It’s so nice to see that amazing relationship (which we all had with our Nan as well at that age). I genuinely don’t know what we would do without her! It’s not unusual to pop in for a cup of tea and find one of my siblings already there having a chat.

I am NC with my mum, but what would have made a huge difference was if she had accountability and actually dealt with her issues instead of just burying her head in the sand and pretending all the chaos and dysfunction in her life is just totally normal.

One thing I try to demonstrate for my own dc is how to do repair work. We all mess up. We are all horrible people and horrible parents sometimes. There is no avoiding that. But what matters is acknowledging when you’ve f ed up to the people you’ve hurt, calling yourself out on it, and fixing what you did wrong. I do that a lot with my kids when we argue. They know I’m human and they know I will do the wrong thing, but that I’ll always apologise and work to make things better.

The people I know who have the best relationships with their parents as adults had good healthy relationships with them as children. They were supportive and engaged without being overbearing and controlling. They’ve continued to be engaged. They turn up to special things. They still host birthday parties for their adult dc. They invite all the grandchildren round for fun days out. They go on family holidays (that their adult children and grandchildren actually want to go on because they enjoy each other’s company). They aren’t overly critical or judgmental. They genuinely love their children and their children know that.

I am a mum of 2 girls, 18 and 22. Life has not been at all easy. I am a single parent and they don't see their Dad for very good reasons. My relationship with them is a total Joy. The oldest gave me a lot of worry through school years, but has really grown up. They are both at home with me atm. They love each other, absolute best friends. And although they are both very different they are brilliant company together and apart. I have always been a push over mother and still am. But they are absolutely the best achievement I have and we all love each other's company. They are on holiday in Portugal together and we have been messaging and FaceTiming a lot. I have really enjoyed having a holiday from motherhood for 10 days. But they make me laugh so much.

My daughter doesn’t do Mumsnet, but here’s my view. We get on really well - she’ll often text me to arrange a meal or evening out, and I house-sit when she’s away to water her plants. I respect her boundaries, find her genuinely interesting and lovely company, and don’t make demands on her time or energy because she has a very demanding job. We share news about family and mutual friends, and share private grouses about one family member we both find difficult (but only between ourselves). I don’t pry into her private life and she doesn’t pry into mine.

Had to go NC with my mum a year ago and it has had such a difference to my moods and general anxiety. Friends have noticed the change in me. I should have done it years ago! She’s a narcissist bully who did not support me when I was a child and they found out my step dad was abusing me. She used to lock me in cupboards or tie me to my bed. I was always trying to please her throughout my entire adult life. Last summer she stepped way over the line with me and it was like a lightbulb moment, giving me the strength and courage to say I won’t be in their lives anymore. Sorry if that sounds harsh but 52 years of my life has been lived in constant anxiety and stress of having to navigate her personality to try and get her love me. She told my eldest last year she doesn’t even like me. That was the tip
of a very big iceberg. I can’t imagine ever talking to her again.