New boyfriend had slept with strippers

[Bluetueaday336]

Hi

Started dating someone lovely who told me they have slept with one stripper on a yearly boys trip (aged 40+) after a painful divorce years ago. Then this changed to two strippers well not strippers because technically they are prostitutes working in strip clubs. He said he still goes on these trips but he would not have any private dances if I was not happy with it and certainly would not cheat. The thing is I see private dancing as cheating because you can touch them so he says. So I said I wouldn’t be happy with him going to strip clubs at all which apparently is unrealistic because that’s where they all end up on these European trips. Then he said ok he wouldn’t go to them at. This is a new relationship and I’m feeling like it’s all a bit much and it’s given me the ick. I get he had a painful divorce and wanted sex without emotions totally understand that but it’s all made me feel a bit ick and made me feel like I can’t live up to these apparently stunning stripper/pros. Oh and I am very open minded sexually done most things and willing to try anything to keep my partner happy.

Thanks in advance xxx

When he said there had been one and it was right after his divorce, he was a mess and got tagged onto this trip, got drunk and did what he did I felt disgusted but thought ok once a mistake right. I could over look it and it was 5 years ago but then it changed to two on two separate occasions (probably not even true maybe it’s been more). I just can’t get it out of my head.

It’s a “new” boyfriend, you can walk away. There’s no way to trust someone like that, and who are these friends of his who need to go on this “all boys” trip. You need to leave him. He needs to grow up. You can do better, OP.

This is good advice!

Well no. When things don't add up it's really not nice feeling like you're being lied to.
That feeling of wanting to believe what they're telling you because you think they may have potential but knowing deep down that they're telling you what they want you to believe is very uncomfortable, but you feel uncomfortable for good reason. .

In fact it feels like he’s really testing your boundaries

Him and his friends are sex tourists and they'll all be as thick as thieves as in the what happens on tour stays on tour.
Say adiós fucker.👍

It is uncomfortable because I thought he was a decent guy. I think he was testing my boundaries too which is not cool!

Bin him. He wouldnt have any private dancers if you didn’t want?! Wow what a prince

Yuk. Why is he telling you this? It is a massive shit test. You dump him immediately

So basically he is a middle aged man with a group of friends who, once a year, feel entitled to award themselves a trip away where they cheat on their partners.

He's done far more than he's telling you and no intention of giving up his little hobby.

You don't know someone until you know them. You presumed he was decent, he's not. There's no need to credit him with the intelligence of testing your boundaries, or make him sound as aware as that. He's revealed he pays sex workers and so do his friendship group on a regular basis. You now need to decide if you still think he's a decent guy. You also need to appreciate that he's given you a tiny bit of information to see how you reacted, not the whole picture.

He's not a lovely guy. Get out.

Exactly my thoughts, checking to see if I would put up with that behaviour whilst having a relationship with me (apparently his sis is ok with her husband doing this who he goes on these trips with as long as he doesn’t stick it in anyone! ) I made it clear I am disgusted that he would even insult me by asking this. I’ve said that I would straight up go off and sleep with someone else to get revenge then dump him but that is not the relationship I want. I want a decent respectful and loving relationship not one where I have to worry about this kind of behaviour! He slept with two strippers (I corrected prostitutes) twice during one trip straight after his break up 5 years ago and he is not proud of this. Ever since he has just gone to the strip clubs as a spectator. So why test my boundaries on private dancing? When I challenged him about those occasions he paid for sex he seemed to think it was no different to meeting on dating apps and ending up at the end of the date sleeping with someone. I said it’s completely different you are both consenting and attracted to one another and have partaken freely not bought consent!

I’m a guy, on the lads trips yes they tend to end up in strip clubs but not all of us attend, a couple of us go to the bars instead while the others throw money down the drain (my DW is completely fine with me visiting but I’m not into it). So to me, it seems odd he was unable to promise not to go.

It is a new relationship so I’d bin him personally. I could look pass the past but if he is making it difficult by saying he goes on trips, strip clubs are a big part of them, and it’s hard not to visit, forget him and move on. You shouldn’t have to make him not go.

Yes I can look over look the past, he was messed up and did that over one trip years ago, it’s not good obviously but I am open minded and what’s past is past. The future is what worries me, the fact that he’s had to check my boundaries and the fact which I said it’s questionable you even go to those places. He has said he won’t go to the clubs no more he would do what some of the other guys do and go back to the hotel. Apparently he don’t even know these people that well they are all mates of the brother in law (lawyer types) and he got tagged on to going years ago because of the state he was in. i am obviously not convinced he won’t end up there, why even go on these trips, I wouldn’t even consider going on a girly trip and ending up in a male strip bar and maybe getting private dances etc. As I said I am open minded sexually and far from boring so why even go.

I'm not sure why this is even still a debate for you OP.

He buys the consent of women, including women who may have been trafficked. He won't stop. Every woman deserves better than that.

The next time you type something, it should be a message telling him he's dumped, rather than a message on here still wondering what to do.

I don't know any woman who regrets ending a relationship with a man like this, but plenty who bitterly regret staying and investing their life with a man who waved flags they ignored.

please can I ask: what is stopping you from simply ending this relationship? Obviously you're free to do whatever you want to and it's none of our business, but I'm interested in the thought process.

So he’s a liar?

His wife found out and that's what ended his marriage
Don't believe everything that's said to you

You're just waffling now
Just end it, throw him back in the pond and move on

None of this will get any better.
If it’s not these European trips, it will be other things every time he goes away you’ll be wondering what he’s doing

You can keep saying you’re open minded, but it’s clearly a big problem for you given the number of times you’re saying the same stuff on this thread

Ditch and move on

💯

I would discuss the matter with him. I would try to make him see the situation from the point of view of the women. Where letting men put their hands all over them for money, or worse being prepared to sleep with them for money are the best of the options available to them. I would try to make him see he is exploiting vulnerable people. This is not lads fun, he is participating in abuse. Either he will understand and never be willing to put himself in that position again, whether we stay together or not, or he is not a fit partner for me. Bargaining with him that he agrees to refrain from this activity, apparently acceptable for others or acceptable if he is really upset over a break up, just because I don’t want him to? No. Absolutely not. I could not respect a man who cannot see the evil in this once explained to him.

He is NOT a lovely guy. He’s not even an OK guy. He’s awful.

If you believe he’s going to stop doing this just because you don’t like it you’re a mug. Find some self respect and a decent man.