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Original poster

New boyfriend had slept with strippers

81 replies

Bluetueaday336 · 26/08/2025 21:39

Hi

Started dating someone lovely who told me they have slept with one stripper on a yearly boys trip (aged 40+) after a painful divorce years ago. Then this changed to two strippers well not strippers because technically they are prostitutes working in strip clubs. He said he still goes on these trips but he would not have any private dances if I was not happy with it and certainly would not cheat. The thing is I see private dancing as cheating because you can touch them so he says. So I said I wouldn’t be happy with him going to strip clubs at all which apparently is unrealistic because that’s where they all end up on these European trips. Then he said ok he wouldn’t go to them at. This is a new relationship and I’m feeling like it’s all a bit much and it’s given me the ick. I get he had a painful divorce and wanted sex without emotions totally understand that but it’s all made me feel a bit ick and made me feel like I can’t live up to these apparently stunning stripper/pros. Oh and I am very open minded sexually done most things and willing to try anything to keep my partner happy.

Thanks in advance xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluetueaday336 · 26/08/2025 22:10

I don’t want him even going full stop! I can deal with what’s past but what is future is a no from me.

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 26/08/2025 22:10

Bluetueaday336 · 26/08/2025 22:08

We’ve had this big convo he said he won’t go to the strip clubs he wants a loving trusting relationship, so why even go on these trips, these are grown men with wives who he said has witnessed going off with women and thinks it’s wrong but he was single……still wrong tho in my eyes.

What so he's all of a sudden had an attack of moral conscience and now won't pay for sex with sex workers? What's changed? If he is asking you to believe that he must think you're daft as a brush.

You don't need to have a big conversation about this, neither of you has to be right, but if you find the idea of your partner paying women for sex, who are often vulnerable, and have little agency in the matter, as gross as you say you do, then what you need to do will be very clear. He doesn't have to agree with you.

suki1964 · 26/08/2025 22:11

Bluetueaday336 · 26/08/2025 22:04

Even sitting watching women strip would piss me right off!!!

I totally get you view - 100%

Im just plating devols advocate ( Ive already advised walking away )

Hell of a lot of sex workers in our world and they wouldn't be making a living if there wasnt a need

Dont be knocking them, they are filling a void

Id be more mad at why by BF, if he has signed up for exclusivity , feels the need to visit ( and Im not laying the blame at you, wondering what his want is )

GoldDuster · 26/08/2025 22:13

I would hazard a guess that this wasn't behaviour that started when he was "heartbroken", and that it's a habitual long running thing. If he was repulsed by it, or found it distasteful then why was hanging out with a group of men who go on an annual trip and pay for sex? Just him that was the odd one out was it? Pull the other one.

Cece92 · 26/08/2025 22:15

Oh no I would not be happy with this at all. I told my partner of a year if I found out he’d done that he would be gone and he was like eh I’ve never paid anyone and never would. He’s dj’d in a couple strip clubs years and years ago and stopped it. It wasn’t his thing at all. You can tell he just isn’t that type of person at all he has 2 daughters and has said these women are people’s daughters. In terms of trips lol he works away Monday - Friday sleeps in his truck doesn’t shower all week and with me all weekend. He’s very introverted doesn’t go anywhere unless I make him lol! We are both happy being at home odd date night and if I have family events he comes along but he genuinely doesn’t go out much. When he’s been away all week he wants home with me and with his girls. He did mention he would love to go turkey next year and I said you aren’t a single man anymore so naw and he was like get a passport and we will go together. As you’ve said it’s weird middle aged men going on these type of trips. Xx

Original poster
Bluetueaday336 · 26/08/2025 22:16

At the moment he wants me, he wants a relationship and everything I give him. I don’t want to go further into this if these annual trips continue! I wouldn’t go away and do that! It’s either these so called lads trips stop or he doesn’t have me and I don’t want that but I guess I need to just tell it straight keep the trips and u can piss off!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluetueaday336 · 26/08/2025 22:22

Nope I would never pay for sex ew.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluetueaday336 · 26/08/2025 22:28

Apparently it’s up to the strippers if they do extras. I am totally against all of it. I know it’s his past and we all have one, I am no saint but jeez this is pushing for me to overlook. If he said he would never go on another lads trip maybe I could have overlooked his past but the fact he will still go on these trips but apparently just not go to the clubs, well I am not convinced at all so I think sadly it has to be a goodbye ay!

OP posts:
CuriousKangaroo · 26/08/2025 22:28

He is not a “nice guy”. Nice men are not misogynists and men who pay to use exploited women for sex and go to strip clubs are misogynists.

Worse still, he says he will stop going “for you”, but would if you weren’t on the scene so has not shown any insight into why his conduct is exploitative and misogynistic. Grim. I couldn’t be with a man like that. Ever.

allusernamesaretakennow · 26/08/2025 22:29

Gross.

I'd bin him, but then I have standards, some people would be quite happy with him though (that's their problem).

allusernamesaretakennow · 26/08/2025 22:33

Bluetueaday336 · 26/08/2025 21:54

Why does he even need to go on these trips if he is in a satisfied and loving relationship, I just don’t get it?!

Because he can.

Some women look the other way. Some women make excuses for why 'their man' had sex with prostitutes/continue to have sex with prostitutes. They will turn themselves in knots to work out why/find reasons to excuse it/it's in the past etc but it's the way he thinks about women and what they are 'for'. That doesn't change. This type of man doesn't value women. He values power, himself, his needs and his wants.

Original poster
Bluetueaday336 · 26/08/2025 22:35

Believe me I have standards. I have never found myself in this position I was with someone for 24 years previous so this is all an eye opener for me!

OP posts:
hoohaal · 26/08/2025 22:38

If it had happened once then I would probably say to let it go, but it’s clearly his annual treat.

I would feel weird about it as well. You would never be able to trust him when he goes on one of these holidays :/.

allusernamesaretakennow · 26/08/2025 22:39

Bluetueaday336 · 26/08/2025 22:35

Believe me I have standards. I have never found myself in this position I was with someone for 24 years previous so this is all an eye opener for me!

So dump him then. Why the quandary of what to do with such a specimen? He's shown who he is and what he thinks of women and what they are for.

You are worth more you know. Believe it. There are other much nicer men around.

Original poster
Bluetueaday336 · 26/08/2025 22:40

Well I don’t look the other way and never will, I am a very fiery and passionate woman. I just can’t be done with all this wondering, do I need it? No! I am independent and don’t need anyone for anything right now.

OP posts:
allusernamesaretakennow · 26/08/2025 22:41

Bluetueaday336 · 26/08/2025 22:40

Well I don’t look the other way and never will, I am a very fiery and passionate woman. I just can’t be done with all this wondering, do I need it? No! I am independent and don’t need anyone for anything right now.

Who are you trying to convince? Yourself?

allusernamesaretakennow · 26/08/2025 22:42

Look for better @Bluetueaday336 you deserve better. Don't stick it out, just in case he changes and then come back and start a thread in a year about how he hasn't changed. Don't be that person.

EveningSpread · 27/08/2025 09:08

My DP has never paid for sex - he would find it awkward and horrible. He thinks men who do are weird, sad and damaged. Set your bar higher.

TaborlinTheGreat · 27/08/2025 09:12

Whether he stops going or not, he's still the same man who did these things, and who clearly doesn't really think there's anything wrong with getting a 'private dance' when he's in a relationship. Seriously, how low is your bar, OP?

MidnightMeltdown · 27/08/2025 11:11

Not what I would want in a partner. Especially 40+! He clearly hasn’t grown up.

ButSheSaid · 27/08/2025 11:21

The bliss and peace of being single should only be given up if a potential boyfriend is of fantastic quality, massively enhances your life, makes it easier and fun, and obviously is feminist and intelligent.

This one coerces sex out of prostituted women, so is not boyfriend material.

Corfumanchu · 27/08/2025 12:01

Bluetueaday336 · 26/08/2025 21:54

Why does he even need to go on these trips if he is in a satisfied and loving relationship, I just don’t get it?!

Becausehe wants to bond with his male friends.

Rallentanda · 27/08/2025 12:17

ButSheSaid · 27/08/2025 11:21

The bliss and peace of being single should only be given up if a potential boyfriend is of fantastic quality, massively enhances your life, makes it easier and fun, and obviously is feminist and intelligent.

This one coerces sex out of prostituted women, so is not boyfriend material.

Exactly! He is damaged goods I'm afraid.

Tealpins · 27/08/2025 12:20

If you pay for sex, you are a pervert. I read this great philosophy book ages ago which defined perversion as any sexual activity which isn't fully actively consensual, where you cannot see the desire in the other person's eyes.

Your boyfriend was old enough to know these women didn't want him and didn't want to have sex with him and he still enjoyed sexual activity with them. That makes him a rapist in my view and certainly a pervert by the above definition. This would be the ick for me.

Newgirls · 27/08/2025 12:24

Maybe keep him as an occasional lover for your own entertainment. Not a partner.