So today we see my narc mother, first time ds seen his gran since finding out he’s going to his first choice uni, she spent the whole time raving about ds cousin

[KnackeredCatsleepytime]

On and on and on about ds cousin

said congrats then swiftly moved the convo on to said cousin

after half an hour we left
no plans to return anytime soon

Sorry to hear this. Hope DS is ok - you did the right thing leaving.

Yes this, and well done to him getting the place of his choice!

Thank you, yes ds was OK, kinda shrugged it off but I could tell it did upset him a bit.

It's nothing new, she often makes mean comments,
Wheres she negatively compares him, little comments like cousin to much more mature etc
It's a kinda divide and conquer tatic, she wants to pit us all against each other

Other than grey rock or extremely low contact
Another tatics

Ironic thing is she expects alot help due to getting older and needed a,ot of Dr's appointments and hospital appointments etc

You did absolutely the right thing.

(I had a narc mum.)

One of the funny things is though, even after a lifetime of this kinda shit, you do still walk away thinking maybe I'm being over sensitive

Part of me thinks next time I see her, which will hopefully be a long time away, of saying don't know if you realise this but last time you saw ds, the fast time you've seen him since his fab news, you did say congrats but then swiftly moved onto raving about his cousin non stop for 20 mins, ever even asked ds any questions etc....

Or just don't give her the satisfaction

She'd twist whatever you say, and undoubtedly tell your neice's parents that you didn't care how she's done. I don't think there's anything to be gained by mentioning it to her.

Just stay very lc with her - you're not responsible for bringing her to medical appointments, she can get a taxi, or support from a local church/charity.

Edited to say congrats to your son! Don't let your miserable mother take away from the joy of the day.

Can I ask kindly why you need to see her at all? My mum sounds very similar and I've struggled for many years at low contact with guilt (her health isn't great and she is alone as the rest of the family have no contact). And trying to do the 'right' thing all round.
But then I found that she was doing the "comparing to x" thing to young teen DS and it was getting to him so we've not seen her this year and don't plan on seing her again (will probably have to facilitate some health stuff at some point but will leave DS out of it).

Yes I think, I know deep down she would get some sort of sick satisfaction Out of it, try n play the victim

i v v rarely take him, and I’m already low contact

Thanks for chatting to me about it tho, makes me feel less crazy

I know she will never change

Only reason I see her is because I love my siblings and nieces and nephews

i know she’s not a nice person, has a sad life and no friends
and I know she will never change

only reason I do the odd appointment is so it puts less stress on siblings so I do it for them not her
but I don’t thinking can keep doing much more at all
like you say she can get a taxi
but she expects to be run around like the queen

Bet she raves on about your son to
the cousin!

This wouldn't suprise me, and tbh I’ve wondered exactly this
its part of a triangulation Method she tries to do
to put people against each other, and a divide and rule type plan

even as a small child it would be why can’t you be more like so and so ….

and on and on and a million examples

she hates the fact we are all living good lives. She would rather we suffer

Why does she need to divide and belittle her family members?
(Deep down do you know where her issues stem from?).

She's going to have to start using a taxi then, isn't she?

I honestly have no idea why she is like how she is

her mum died before she had any children so maybe that affected her?
she was an adult

can only assume she had a bit of a shit childhood but she’s never ever said that or implied it

so no idea why she would be like how she is at all

she has no friends as she alienates everyone,
so really it’s only her family that have v minimal contact out of some sort of obligation or duty I guess

I guess some people are a bit evil, I don’t know why that is tho

She doenst like that fact that her kids have done better than her, and have had better lives, she would be so happy if we were scratting about struggling to make ends meet…..
or just struggling in anyways really

perhaps so she could look down on us and tell us what we’ve done/doing wrong
she wants everyone to look up to her and ask for advice
she’s got a very fragile ego

the fact we are all doing well seems to really infuriate her
which so odd as most normal people want their kids to have a good life

My mum's mum died before she had children too. My mum isn't like this.
I asked because I knew you'd have tried to work it out. People who aren't narcs try to work it out and generally come up with some sad reason but there isn't usually an answer.
My paternal grandmother was adopted within the family and I'd assumed it had been hard and was why she was like it (completely self absorbed), then it turned out she'd had a lovely upbringing and had seen all her siblings etc.
People can be born, live and die like this. They connect superficially for relationships and even have children. Everyone around accommodates them, "oh that's just mum/dad/gran". Most people are thoughtful and the narcs take advantage.
It affected my dad (having a narc mum) and I hardly see him. It suits me to meet outside the house for a coffee once every few months.
Put yourself and your family before her.

Yes you can’t actually talk to her above the really bad things she’s done like in our childhoods
so I wouldn’t even go there
goevn up the hope she would ever apologise or change many many years ago

it will be that didn’t happen
(when you know full well it did and you remember it)
then guilt trips, oh I guess you’ll be perfect mother then…..
then she will play the victim and fake cry etc
and try to make you feel bad for bringing anything up

its pure darvo
Which I learnt about on here and when someone on here told me about darvo, I was, wow that’s it in a nutshell exactly what she does

I know she’s not worth this head space

the truth is she can’t handle what
shes done
so she would rather lie to herself
her own fragile ego can’t handle it

but surely deep down she must know

And yes it’s also the squeeky wheel that’s gets oiled
and accommodated

Thanks for listening tho m, as it’s amazing how far a bit of understanding goes, esp as it’s outside most peoples normal experiences or it’s just not openly spoken about much
maybe it’s more common than I think

but thanks
feel better already

You’ve described my MIL’s behaviour over the last 40 years. It’s a painful pattern- particularly when they start drawing the grandchildren into the comparing with cousins game.
My DH now very flatly calls her out on it and on some level she knows exactly what she’s doing. We keep our distance, don’t tell her anything important (it just gets used against us), if she starts bitching about siblings, cousins we walk out the room or leave…. she has no friends as she’s alienated them all.

What does he say or do to flatly call it out?

I really want to do that, if only for my own well being and my ds.

but I think it would actually make her happy, as then she can darvo me

she can be the victim and me all poor old me, knackered cat has been so mean to me and I was only saying how well x has done
fake cry

(shit stiring, playing the innocent, pretending to the the victim, and loving any upset and drama that it could cause, twisting it and exaggerating it etc)

I think it is sadly very common to have a DM or DMIL like this. I wonder if it is a generational thing.

DM was awful. Constantly pitting all her children against one another. Criticising her Grandchildren. She said such awful things. My children often left in tears, as did I.

She had a very comfortable upbringing in Italy, but her father died when she was only 13, and then the war came. She married my Dad came to live in England, very backward and austere by comparison to Italy, and I think never quite got over it. She was a deeply unhappy woman. Why that's translates to Narcissistic behaviour, I don't know, but we were all relieved when she died, which is an awful thing to admit.