So today we see my narc mother, first time ds seen his gran since finding out he’s going to his first choice uni, she spent the whole time raving about ds cousin

[KnackeredCatsleepytime]

On and on and on about ds cousin

said congrats then swiftly moved the convo on to said cousin

after half an hour we left
no plans to return anytime soon

I was an only child so my DM compares me unfavourably to her friends DCs. So on the one hand it was easy if I could do it but with her friends DC it was harder but they were so clever. Which was it?

Sometimes I had to laugh.

I tried over decades to raise things with her, manage her, ignore her spite but none of it worked so I went NC.

Whatever you decide to do, I don't think you should enable a situation where she gets the opportunity to devalue your son.

What do you do think I should have done then ?

I have a feeling half of the things you were negatively compared to were probably made up xxx
and said to make you feel crap x

Not take him to see her. Because you knew how she would behave:

It's nothing new, she often makes mean comments, Where she negatively compares him, little comments like cousin to much more mature etc

Oh that is it exactly, without doubt. My siblings n I need putting in our place apparently - we were very, very rarely praised for anything. Whatever good we did well "you should be doing that anyway"

Gets so boring knowing how your parents will react

She probably did the same to his cousin.

This is so like my mum! She values the dc in the family by intelligence/potential. She’s always banging on about my dn could have been a doctor, despite him majorly fucking up during his teen years (think minor crime) then it was his sister, how she’s amazing and the best ever person who could go into a field of wild horses and tame one. I’m a horse person, but of course she doesn’t rate me.

When I was visiting one time, I thought it would be nice to take her out for a meal, but as soon as she understood that it would only be me and not my cousins, who she massively rates (rightly, they are brilliant), she declined. She thinks my childhood resembles theirs which makes me laugh in a very hollow fashion.

I would not inflict her on your ds again and massive congratulations to him for getting his first choice! Keep your distance, it’s the only way to minimise her damaging behaviour.

Im am only and both my mother and my father are onlys - so small family! But as a kid (apart from a myriad manipulative stuff and lots of lying) my mother used to go and on about how incredibly pretty my friends were. Whoever was my best friend at the time ... So pretty! This was all through primary and secondary and even work friends in my early 20s she might meet.

As a kid i used to wonder if she thought i was pretty. Then i decided i wasn't 😕 Then as a teen i discovered i was and started to get the feeling she was weirdly jealous of me all the time.

She's done it to my DD(10). 'Oh 'Laiste's DD' your little friend is so pretty isnt she ?''.

My DD wasn't bothered, (i tell her i think she's gorgeous all the time 😊) but she told me she found it odd that nan was going on and on about ''Clare'' being pretty. I told her nans batshit and not to worry 🤣

Sadly you are not alone with the rubbish parents OP
I’m in disgrace as I offered to take my mum out for lunch on her birthday. I thought this was a nice thing but - she might need to take the nephews and nieces to football/ wherever. I’m apparently being unreasonable as I should have thought about them. Btw they have 2 parents. I also have 3 children who rarely get a mention Time to give up I think.

they all Meet such a pattern don’t they ?

the negging the comparing the triangulation

what I find so weird about society
it’s always well she’s your mum…. Etc

if a husband treated someone this way, people would say leave

but you always get this weird pressure it’s your parent …….

Oh the audacity of you trying to take her out for lunch

tbh I’m starting to think the same too
time to completely let go

yep seems like typical negging and comparing to me
with a route cause of the old fashioned green eyed monster

Yes inflicting is such an accurate description

the absolute min I’m doing to talk my a good long break
i just don’t see the point anymore

Wouldn’t suprise me at all
all part of the pitting against each other tactics

It really does get so boring and so predictable

Part of me feels like give her. State of her own medicine and start raving on about grandparents we know that actually are so much better
oh so and so take all the family on a lavish holiday every year, oh well they’ve been so successful as multi millionaire, must be great to be in their position, oh an they been able to help their grandchild get a house buy a car paid for all the kids school uniforms and shoes over the years
oh they really are wonderful grandparents
and they are always so hands on helping with babysitting etc
makkng sure parents get date night at least one a fornight
oh, they really are amazing …

and in and in gush gush gush

but really guess if Just be being sucked into a weird toxic game with someone that’s the master at being a bitch…..

Haha, my mums biggest comment on my wedding pics was how photogenic my MOH/best friend was! It irritated me more than it should.

It is so tempting - I know for sure!

But I like the saying 'Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.'

You will just feel exhausted afterwards and be annoyed with yourself for going down to her level.

Just pull back from her as much as suits you. She will only care from the POV that she won't have a person in you to offload too. It is hard realising how little our mums care, but also freeing in that we then dont have to care about them.

My mother did exactly the same
I'm the eldest and only girl,another brother (no2) and twins (3&4)

No3 could never do anything wrong growing up (he's now a narc druggie who beats her up if she doesn't give him money/lifts/anything he wants) and she put up with my other brothers,she made me the scapegoat

She played us off each other all the time growing up

As soon as I had kids myself,it was my dd who couldnt do anything wrong and my son couldn't do anything right

They grew up a bit and suddenly son couldnt do anything wrong and dd couldn't do anything right

Then my no 2 bro and his wife had a baby and that child was everything

She'd twitter on about my nephew while ignoring my dc (I remember sitting there while she was banging on about how nephew had learnt to ride a bike while ignoring my dds exam results and how much money ds had madde for charity)

Then suddenly it was my ds that was back in favour and dd wouldn't do anything right

I saw it all happening and knew what was going on and she knew it so I was pushed out in fear of revealing it (I'm nc)

She lives in fear of me as she knows I can see the bare naked truth of her and she can't bear it

Writing this,I know it doesn't make sense unless you've lived it and know how they work

But I like the saying 'Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.'

you are so right

also reminds me of never cast pearls before swine

and let’s face it I would never win as I’d never be able to go and low and nasty

no I’m going to have to take the high road

Petty but oh so tempting.

My mum’s great but my MIL is basically your mum.

I pettily enjoy remembering a meal out with both sets of parents, where MIL realised that my mum likes my DH and is interested in talking to him. The pair of them chatting away with the kind of little in-jokes you have with people you love… and MIL with a face like thunder.

How sad she really had to try n make you feel shit about that

it must show how bad-sad she feels about herself
what a cow

Oh I bet that really hacked her off, her seeing someone else actually care about him and have a good relationship with him

Woke up today realising it is what it is, it will never ever change
i knew that already, but it’s just further clarity it’s a waste of time and energy, that could be better spend on literally anything else whatsoever

so thanks for the chat, has helped