Needy friend. What to do?

[Sarover]

I have known my friend for 20 years. We met at a baby clinic when our DDs were newborns. She’s older than me and retired this year. She separated from her partner 3 years ago and her daughter moved to Australia 2 years ago with her Australian boyfriend. She has siblings but they aren’t close emotionally or geographically. So, she is alone and feels lonely.

In the last few years it’s clear that she sees me almost as a family member. For example, if she’s ill she will ask me to do shopping for her. I feel for her as she is obviously not happy being alone and feels vulnerable when she’s ill. However, I have a lot going on in my life and have had many years of responsibilities (disabled DC, elderly parents, demanding job etc) These have eased up a little recently but I am still busy and really don’t want to take on anything else. I like her but I don’t want responsibility for her. We have a couple of hobbies we share. I enjoy doing them with her and I hope that contributes to her well being.For me that’s enough, but I don’t think that’s enough for her. She messages me a lot and obviously wants me to be in contact and much more in her life.

Her neediness is beginning to annoy me. Especially her asking me to do shopping. She has other friends nearby and could also do online delivery but rejects those suggestions and seems to see me as a kind of big sister who will look after her. I totally empathise with her loneliness but I don’t want to be responsible for looking after her. I know that’s mean and I really feel that she feels let down by me.

Has anyone else experienced this? Any suggestions?

I would just explain your busy with your responsibilities and unfortunately don’t have the time to do her shopping. Show her ubereats you can get groceries half price on Monday.

Thanks for the reply. I have told her about Uber eats, deliveroo and supermarket deliveries but she says she finds it too complicated to do. I think as she’s older it’s not something she’s used to. Most of the time she asks for help I say I’m busy. She doesn’t seem to get the hint that I just don’t want to do it.

It is tricky isn’t it! I would tend to be direct and say what you aren’t prepared to do in no uncertain terms. Then if she brings it up again restate simply no explanations or ignore.

It’s not mean at all OP. It sounds as if your friend is totally unrealistic and very selfish.
Have you been explicit? If you’ve explained that your joint hobbies are your precious time off from very full-on responsibilities, and that is falling on deaf ears, I’d be extremely pissed off with her.
Maybe you should make constant demands on her time too and see how that is received?

To be honest I have enough time to help her. My responsibilities have eased off a bit. I just don’t want to add more to my list of things to do. I have been incredibly busy for the last few years and I would like to relax and concentrate on myself for a bit now, while I can.

How old is she? She had a newborn 20 years ago… but is so old she finds online shopping complicated. Huh 🤔

This is not normal.
There are elements of her expecting you to take on a caregiver role, which is probably may start to feel suffocating for you.

Break the habit, create some distance so that she does things for herself.

‘Diane, please stop asking me to do your shopping! You’re more than capable of ordering it yourself. Putting pressure on me to help you when you should be helping yourself is causing resentment, which is a shame as we have been friends for so long. Get yourself signed up with (insert supermarket of choice), you just need your register your email. ‘

She’s 65. She had her DD when she was 45. I don’t know if it’s her age or not, but she doesn’t like technology. She has only recently got a smart phone and doesn’t do any online shopping.

I find with needy people if you reveal your own needs they back away very quickly as they want someone who provides, not someone who needs. Try saying, 'I just can't. I'm feeling so overwhelmed right now, with my elderly parents and disabled DC's issues and work. I honestly feel at breaking point so even small extra responsibilities are beyond me. I'm on the point of nervous collapse. I've been hiding it for too long but I really am.' Go on like this for a minute or two and see how quickly she tries to get off the phone.

65 can definitely do online shopping, FFS. Most are still working in some capacity!

Loneliness is a horrible thing, so I do feel sorry for your friend. Nevertheless I do think you need to take a firm line with the shopping. If you think the struggling with technology is genuine rather than just an excuse, perhaps you could offer to show her how to do an online shop.

My mum is 20 years older and does online shopping. Once we persuaded her (about 20 years ago) that she, personally, could not break the www, she embraced it all.

I was about to say the same thing. I had a Childhood friend like this who spent years daily trauma dumping on me and I just listened and comforted her and sent practical help.

I noticed she started backing off when I started telling her about my insomnia and even just hinting at emotional issues I had going on. So I kept going and eventually she disappeared. I don’t miss her at all, she drained me for decades!

This friend had a long term partner and a sister btw.

The fact is OP, people like this often single certain people out to be their caregiver /therapy friend. They don’t do this to everyone. They see you as an easy touch or whatever. They’re basically using you.

So yeah either say what this poster suggests or just tell her you can’t give her all this help and ask her firmly to please stop asking you.

I wouldn’t blame her reluctance to do online shopping on her age. I know plenty of people older than 65 who’ve managed to figure out how to get groceries delivered from the supermarket of their choice.

It can be a bit tricky setting up an online shop the first time, but really, once someone’s done it once or twice, most people will be fine after that.

It sounds like it’s as much about giving her an excuse to contact you, and to try and manipulate you into going round to drop things off and make her feel less lonely.

I can sympathise with someone feeling lonely, but it’s not really fair of her to be trying to fix that by putting a lot of extra responsibilities on another person. And it’s not going to do your friendship any good in the long run if she pressures you into feeling obligated to do stuff for her.

We are all responsible for ourselves, our own happiness and hobbies, our own sourcing of foods, our own healthcare, our own transport, our own holidays, our own work and finances, our own ability to make friends and have a social life, our own grip of technology, and what it can do for us. Circumstances may mean that some of this is harder for some than others. And. we should be kind, offer help when it is needed, especially in emergencies BUT this is where it should end. You are not an uber, you are not a personal shopper, you are not a counsellor or a medic, you are not her carer, you are a friend (and it sounds like a good one), and without sounding cruel, if you are not getting out what you put in (on balance - and we all have bad times), then you take a step back. No need for drama, I would just cool off on the messages (especially for shopping which seems a bit ridiculous) "sorry phone out of charge" "sorry, only just saw your message", "sorry, been doing XYZ and just saw this". Some would say that you have to confront it head on, and address the issue, and this is probably the answer for many, but in reality she will either find another solution or get someone else to do the job. Wishing you a good outcome xx

I work in marketing and there are plenty of 65 year olds in my team using various systems. They can definitely order stuff online! And my 80 year old aunty figured out how to use Instagram just to message me lol

Make it clear it’s her choice - order online or do it herself in person. The fact she would rather place an additional burden on you than learn how to use online delivery services shows how much she considers you - not much. I’d back away from this “friendship”

65 isn't old. Of course she could shop online if ahe chose to

Say no. A lot.

Urg that does sound annoying. I would keep making up excuses every time she asks you to help.

I would try and go over and help her do a first online food shop in the hope that she will start doing it.

It probably won’t make any difference and she will keep asking you to help though. Just keep saying no. You’ve got enough on your plate.

I'm late 60s and quite happily managed supermarket delivery! She's using you when she's more than capable of clicking buttons. If you are taking her shopping to her, I suspect she's using that as an excuse to see you. You are going to have to be strong and tell her that you don't have time to get her shopping. Stop replying to her messages right away or only reply every second or third message.

Thanks for the replies all. Especially @novocaine4thesoul, that’s very wise and true.

I didn’t mean to suggest that 65 is too old to do online shopping. Both of my parents in their 80s do! She just finds it hard to do new things. For example, she also resists trying a new travel route or eating different types of food. I think she has some other issues as well as loneliness tbh.

I think it’s not really that she needs shopping but that she wants to see me. I don’t want to confront her but will just take longer to reply.

Its not age (I am not far off her age and MIL is in her mid 80’s and can easily manage Moonpig, Amazon orders etc when it suits) but refuses to do any online food shopping ever as she likes to go to a supermarket and decide what she wants if well (often cream cakes and chocolate fall into her shopping) and if unwell it’s easier and nicer for her to have SIL visit and she gets to see her and chat to her when she drops it off etc. Your friend is trying to shoe horn you into that role. Explain you have too much on but agree to talk her through how to do food ordering online (don’t visit if she is unwell). If she refuses to engage it’s up to her.

Bit off topic but I have to say this is why single /childfree women roll their eyes at people- usually men- pointing at how lonely and miserable they will be when they retire.

My childfree aunty who is now 80+ had a thriving social life after her husband died when she was only 50, out at restaurants and bars with her male friends (genuine platonic male friends who had known her since school or uni) attending and helping out at her local church where she was well known, and respected and loved on by her nieces and nephews. She even lived next door to her best female friend!

Community is what you can make of it and anyone can end up lonely.

Oh and I meant to add - it’s her younger sister who had 3 kids that is the lonely one. Partly because of how she treated other people.

I think it’s not really that she needs shopping but that she wants to see me.

Why not just invite you around for tea and biscuits then?

I’m much younger than her but I live alone and don’t drive. I have a lovely neighbour who lives with her partner and she drives . She’s always saying to let her know if i need anything especially around the time I was bereaved (lost a friend to an illness) I’ve always declined any practical help, but I invite her around for a chat sometimes or go over to hers when she invites me.

I suspect your mate envisaged her kid would be around to help her as she edged closer to 70 and now she’s abroad she feels a bit disappointed. So she is trying to assign the tasks she would have given to her child over to you. Either way she’s not being considerate.

And as a ND woman I find new things tricky too sometimes, but I either go without or push myself to do it or find ways around it eg I order online now and I’m learning how to drive so maybe one day I can drive myself to supermarkets. What I don’t do is shift my responsibilities onto someone else and create more stress for them .

I think you need to gently tell her. Point out all your responsibilities and how you love spending time with her but x y and z are not happening. It sounds like she wants to be cared for and maybe she needs to broaden her social life or consider dating? If she needs help adding a supermarket app and being shown it I would do that!