Needy friend. What to do?

[Sarover]

I have known my friend for 20 years. We met at a baby clinic when our DDs were newborns. She’s older than me and retired this year. She separated from her partner 3 years ago and her daughter moved to Australia 2 years ago with her Australian boyfriend. She has siblings but they aren’t close emotionally or geographically. So, she is alone and feels lonely.

In the last few years it’s clear that she sees me almost as a family member. For example, if she’s ill she will ask me to do shopping for her. I feel for her as she is obviously not happy being alone and feels vulnerable when she’s ill. However, I have a lot going on in my life and have had many years of responsibilities (disabled DC, elderly parents, demanding job etc) These have eased up a little recently but I am still busy and really don’t want to take on anything else. I like her but I don’t want responsibility for her. We have a couple of hobbies we share. I enjoy doing them with her and I hope that contributes to her well being.For me that’s enough, but I don’t think that’s enough for her. She messages me a lot and obviously wants me to be in contact and much more in her life.

Her neediness is beginning to annoy me. Especially her asking me to do shopping. She has other friends nearby and could also do online delivery but rejects those suggestions and seems to see me as a kind of big sister who will look after her. I totally empathise with her loneliness but I don’t want to be responsible for looking after her. I know that’s mean and I really feel that she feels let down by me.

Has anyone else experienced this? Any suggestions?

My mum is 81 and can shop and can do everything online. She needs to learn.

Maybe suggest she looks into a befriender or a part time carer. Id just tell her you would like to concentrate on yourself a bit as caring for others all these years has had a massive toll on you.

Her daughter might be geographically far away but a few clicks on a computer can conjure up an online delivery to her home. I’d be suggesting she asks her daughter if she’s incapable of doing it herself. Although it sounds like she’s creating a dependency to stop you leaving too.

@ComfortFoodCafe years of caring have indeed taken their toll on me. Just a few years ago I would have squeezed in care for her with all my other responsibilities. I have just had enough of that now. I also genuinely love time on my own. She always says that’s because I am lucky to have people around me. But honestly I am certain I would be ok living alone. I don’t understand her overt neediness.

@CiderGlider the idea that she is maybe unconsciously creating a dependency so I won’t leave, is very astute. She often anxiously asks if I am thinking of moving from the area (we have always lived nearby). She encouraged her DD to move to Australia for opportunities (her ex lives there) but I think that it came at a cost to her emotionally. She sees me as part of her extended family. But I don’t want to be. Mean of me, I know.

Trying new things and making new friends is very important life long. I would be happy to teach her how to use tech- I taught my mum- but not do it for her forever.

You say she asks you do to shopping for her when she is ill…how often actually is that? I wouldn’t mind once occasionally but you’ve got to nip it in the bud of it is frequently. Maybe spend the time with her to get her set up online so she’s got no excuse.

She sounds like she might be happier in a retirement village type complex with a ready made community around her and people on hand to assist if need be. Would she consider this?

One thing I do feel sorry for her though is that her daughter moved to Australia. I was the only child of a single parent and I just couldn’t have done it. My mum absolutely would have encouraged me to follow my dreams but I always wanted to remain relatively close to support her when she got older. I’m so glad I did.

OP it isn't mean to not want to be her family, she is a friend, it's totally fine. She is being a martyr and seems to (perhaps unconsciously, perhaps highly consciously and manipulatively) want you to be her emotional crutch. It was suffocating reading about her. You have been a carer and are saying that in other circumstances you would care for her but have you asked yourself why you think that? She is a friend, not a dependence. She is an adult, not a child. She is more than capable of acquiring life skills, she is choosing to lean on you. Do you genuinely enjoy being with her at your social activities? If so then you need to place firm boundaries and just be as explicit as you can that you don't want to support her outside the activities. Otherwise this is not going to get better. She is positioning you and in a few years time you may not be able to breathe. I speak from bitter experience. I was also a caring person and she completely took advantage and then ground me down. I don't advise over sharing either as she used information about me in unkind ways so I would not follow the advice to start talking about yourself more. My friend's partner had just walked out on her a few years previously. Initially I was emphatic towards her and how difficult this was, but over time I started to feel like I wanted to walk away too. Maybe that makes me sound like a bitch but all I wanted was a friend, not a dependent.

@Colourbrain thanks for the advice. It’s a good point that I should be wary of sharing personal information too. A previous poster suggested doing that as a way of fending off her needy monologues. It does work, but you are absolutely right that it brings us closer in a way I am not comfortable with. Also, sometimes when she can’t get hold of me she messages DH to find out ‘how I am’ but I feel that she is really keeping tabs on me and I am concerned she might one day mention (minor) issues I have with him that I have shared with her.

I have tried leaving longer gaps in responses but it seems not to have given her the hint. Can anyone suggest kind ways to be explicit?

It’s understandable she’s lonely. However, it really isn’t your problem to resolve for her. She’s a grown woman (and at 65 perfectly capable of sorting herself out).

OP, it sounds like you have more than enough on your own plate and it’s important to make sure you put your ‘life jacket’ on first before sorting out everyone else’s. It’s important to reset some boundaries and then try not to feel guilty about it. If she’s a good friend and a decent person she will understand. If she’s doesn’t, it’s time to find that out and stop using your precious energy on that friendship.

Is she willing to learn? There are lots of free or cheap classes at the library or community centre. She won’t know herself if she can set up an email, on
one banking, join some hobby group chats, food shops, browse Temu….
I feel sad for her, her daughter moving away like that.
But she can’t be leaning on you to help with general life admin!

My late MIL was doing online food shopping well into her 90's. She went on a 'how to use a computer' course designed for seniors when she was around 80 and learned. If she could do it, so can your friend.

I’m 61 and have four YouTube channels, I sell stuff on EBay and Vinted. I spend about eight hours a day using tech. She could learn how to do online shopping very easily. She just needs to go on a website and sign up. She would do it if she had to, and as long as you are doing it for her she doesn’t.

Sorry, we x-posted.

I would ask DH not to reply to her messages to him checking up on you. If you are worried about retaliation, I would suggest gently freezing the friendship with longer replies between messages.

I’ve been in a position where I needed to totally freeze out a volatile friend (in my early 20’s I attracted a friend who was lonely and in her 40’s and became very intense). You can start with a slightly delayed reply and then saying “DH mentioned you had messaged to check on me as I hadn’t replied. Appreciate you might have just been worried but all is well I’m just busy and not constantly on my phone. This week isn’t good for me, perhaps a catch up week after next?” (Assuming you do want to meet up).

If that doesn’t work, I would just be straight “I’m sorry, as I said I am quite busy and not keeping a constant eye on my phone. There’s no need to message DH to check up on me” but frankly I would just not reply to any further messages.

I am well aware that someone in their 60s can learn how to do online shopping. As I mentioned earlier, both my parents do it in their 80s. I also know that there are umpteen courses and groups to support people to do this. I don’t honestly think it’s a question of lack of knowledge. She is very highly educated with a postgraduate degree in a stem subject. It’s either that perhaps depression has made her apathetic or anxious about new things or that she doesn’t really need shopping at all, but wants contact with people (me).

@creu, those are great responses. Thank you!

Then tell her that it's also too complicated for you to take on that aspect of her life, just because she isn't willing to. Stress that you enjoy her company as a friend, but don't have the time/space/desire to take on other tasks, such as shopping.

@Sarover you don't sound mean at all. No one has the right to your time and energy. I feel sorry for your friend. Having a DD on the other side of the world would break me, i think. But although it's sad for your friend, it's not actually your problem.

@novocaine4thesoul
Before I sputter out

Is she using her unwillingness to use online shopping as a method of having an ‘in’ to u?

My mother used ‘malicious incompetence’ regularly as a way to get me to do things for her. If this is the case I would recommend sacrificing a few hours to ‘teach her’ how to do it. But be warned it maybe like teaching a toddler, you will have to keep firm to every comment like ‘it’s too difficult’, ‘can’t you just do it this time’ etc

You need to set clear boundaries about what you will and will not do, and stick to them. I mean she’s lonely, so no need to go overboard on blaming her for her behaviour, but you need to prioritise your own life, not hers.

Nothing to do with age, I'm 65, had my Dd at 42, fully computer literate- my Dh however absolutely will not learn anything other than basics for computer, eg looking up stuff he wants to watch or know about, absolutely refuses online banking, Amazon etc. I do it for him because of his learned helplessness. Cut her off now because you are slowly walking into being her main carer.

I was in a similar situation with an older friend who lives alone. Lots of texts which would start with “I haven’t seen you in ages” or “hi, remember me?” I kindly explained that I had a busy life, full time job, adult kids coming and going, DP etc. and I couldn’t reply/agree to get togethers as much as she wanted.
From her point of view (and your friend) they don’t want to be a pushy martyr but they are so lonely and time passes so slowly they can’t help themselves.
Perhaps if you asked her which supermarket she would like to get deliveries from and sit with her while she does an order. There are probably utube videos she could watch-she might pick it up quicker that way. Make sure she understands that if it doesn’t go quite according to plan it’s not your fault and she contacts the helpline and not u.
Also could she join any clubs, groups etc. Even 2 things a week would make the world of difference to her (and u!)
My friend’s circumstances have changed and atm there is more going on in her life so I am not as needed!
It’s a fine line isn’t it?!

@HereWeGo1234
From her point of view (and your friend) they don’t want to be a pushy martyr but they are so lonely and time passes so slowly they can’t help themselves

This is the situation exactly. I can imagine how she feels. I just don’t want her to think I am responsible for easing her loneliness.

@MMUmum that is my big worry, that she does gradually need more care. I think perhaps she assumes I will be involved in that.

Once again, I don’t think that being 65 is any reason at all to not get your head around online shopping. I know many older people who embrace it. I am also not sure that showing her how to do it is the answer. Partly because she has issues with executive functioning and resists learning new things. Her home is very chaotic, and she struggles to organise herself (not sure if this is to do with depression/apathy or neurodivergence). Also I suspect that she just wants to get me to do things for her to make her feel cared for and less lonely.

65 is no age nowadays, plenty of older people use the Internet etc.

Sounds like you'll have to have a word OP.

@PotatoLove I have said many, many times on this thread that 65 is not old and certainly not too old to learn how to do online shopping. Her age isn’t relevant to my dilemma.

Anyone can ask anyone anything, but it’s up to you to Agree or not.