Needy friend. What to do?

[Sarover]

I have known my friend for 20 years. We met at a baby clinic when our DDs were newborns. She’s older than me and retired this year. She separated from her partner 3 years ago and her daughter moved to Australia 2 years ago with her Australian boyfriend. She has siblings but they aren’t close emotionally or geographically. So, she is alone and feels lonely.

In the last few years it’s clear that she sees me almost as a family member. For example, if she’s ill she will ask me to do shopping for her. I feel for her as she is obviously not happy being alone and feels vulnerable when she’s ill. However, I have a lot going on in my life and have had many years of responsibilities (disabled DC, elderly parents, demanding job etc) These have eased up a little recently but I am still busy and really don’t want to take on anything else. I like her but I don’t want responsibility for her. We have a couple of hobbies we share. I enjoy doing them with her and I hope that contributes to her well being.For me that’s enough, but I don’t think that’s enough for her. She messages me a lot and obviously wants me to be in contact and much more in her life.

Her neediness is beginning to annoy me. Especially her asking me to do shopping. She has other friends nearby and could also do online delivery but rejects those suggestions and seems to see me as a kind of big sister who will look after her. I totally empathise with her loneliness but I don’t want to be responsible for looking after her. I know that’s mean and I really feel that she feels let down by me.

Has anyone else experienced this? Any suggestions?

Next time she asks about the online shopping (or even bring it up proactively) just say something like "Look Linda, I appreciate change can be scary sometimes but not getting on board with basic online stuff is going to make you feel very isolated as time goes on. We all have a responsibility to try our best to keep up. Let's sign you up to a course now while I'm here to build your confidence". If she's put on the spot she'll surely find it harder to say no? Especially if you whip your phone out to get one booked.

Re the texts to your husband, I'd echo the advice to have him not reply. It's boundary overstepping.

True

When she asks you about shopping just tell her that you aren't going to the shops today
Definitely lay it on thick about feeling wrung out with all your responsibilities and family situations.
Ask her if she'll do your shopping for you instead

Probably not much help sorry @Sarover but I have quietly and gradually ghosted 'friends' like this in the past. I have done it once over the past 5-6 years actually.

I had a 'friend' (lives 10 minutes walk away,) who was needy, whiny, nosey, intrusive, always texting and phoning me, and calling at my house if I didn't respond within an hour! She could also be quite rude and insulting. She seemed OK for the first few months I knew her, but showed her true colours quite quickly... I had/have a family, a DH, DC, hobbies, interests, and a work from home job 3 days a week, and I was often busy when she pushed herself on me (and just turned up!)

I was like and when she just rocked up uninvited, expecting to be let in, and entertained.

I started to get annoyed, and say 'I'm a bit busy...' But she would just say 'I'll be no trouble, I'll just wait for you to finish what you're doing.'

I tried to give her a wide berth for about 5-6 months, but she would not take the hint. So in the end I blocked her phone number, and just stopped answering the door to her. (After about 2 years of putting up with her!!!) DH answered sometimes and said I was busy, and he would pass a message on. I never contacted her back. I didn't need her intense, needy shit, and was sick of her. I started to loathe her and resent her.

Sadly I had to lose a couple of other friends in my village (as she turned them against me, after playing the victim card,) but I figured that if they were so shallow that they took her side without hearing my point of view, then they weren't friends to begin with.

I have enough shit to deal with in life (as many other people do,) and I didn't need this woman hounding me, and whining and moaning about every fucking last thing in her life. (And calling me/texting me every day, and just turning up uninvited!)

Me and DH, and her and her DP, went on a few nights out to the pub, (Maybe 9 or 10 in total over about a year,) and every single time we went out, she made everything about her, and the whole night revolved around her and her 'problems.' She even wittered on about how crap her cousin is and how she hates her, when we were trying to celebrate New Years Eve. Me and DH tried to change the subject several times, but she kept steering it back.

She even said to me 'will you take me to hospital on Friday?' (3 days away,) 'HE can't take me (pointing to her DP.) Oh please say you will.!' It was 30 miles away in the middle of a big city, and I didn't want to do it, (it would have taken at least 6 hours too including commute time.) so I said 'I'm sorry I don't want to drive there. I am not keen on driving around that city - maybe get the train?' She said 'oh how convenient that you don't like to drive around that city' and got up and stormed off in a huff.' Yeah I don't like to actually, but I also didn't want to be stuck with her for 6 fucking hours. Not long after this, and her putting a dampener on New Years Eve, I started to give her a wide berth.

Later that evening, I was like 🙄 and not talking much. She kept saying 'you all right? You're quiet. You look uncomfortable, do you want another chair?' Are you ill?' I kept saying I am FINE. But I really wanted to say 'my only problem is YOU, you annoying cunt.'

After a few months, I just cut her off/blocked her, it was a full half a year before she got the message, and stopped asking DH about me, and she kept asking my adult DC when they visited, and half the fucking neighbours in my cul de sac!

Sorry @Sarover I am no help, but I do get you. Sadly, I think giving this friend a wide berth is the only thing you can do, or she will drive you batshit!

First of all,op tell her straight please don’t contact dh on my behalf I will reply when I can and when it suits me. I have things to do and I also need my own time and space I cannot be at everyone’s beck and call. I’m only just getting myself some freedom and other people now think they can get me doing things for them. I won’t be doing this. If you need to put your phone on do not disturb if you have that feature and keep your favourites on so they can still contact you. Her loneliness isn’t your problem and the more you say no or not today she will have to ask others.

@Sarover Could you go round and get her set up with the online shopping? Perhaps once shes done it once she'll be less intimidated by it? Understand this whole dependency thing though, youre right to try and stop it asap.

You need to be far too busy (for the next few days) when she has these emergencies and ask her to either order online or call someone else. I would also use the opportunity to let her know that you can’t drop everything for her all the time, and she is being unreasonable expecting you to be her friend AND carer.

Oh yes, even when they interrupt, drag the convo back to you. You dont have to fill your spare time doing more stuff!

I don't think your friend is lonely - you mention she has hobbies, she has other friends, she has family who she must chat to and visit.

So you are her go to friend. Don't reply straight away to messages. Cultivate that you look at messages but don't reply until the evening/ next day. Like a letter.

Or say omg I was just going to message you. Can you pick up xxx for me, take up some jeans etc, do some weeding for me? Give her jobs!

'oooooh, I'm so silly, I can't possibly do online shopping (or whatever)' is an attitude that would make me feel violent! I have no patience with that attitude at all. You says she's older, do you mean 85? I assume she has long term health problems to be asking you so often. She needs to look at her own independence & manage what she can herself.
There is a personality type that can't wait to be old & dependent on carers & suchlike. Their own lives shrink & they piss off those who might help in an emergency because it's never enough.
She needs to be told: learn how to use Whoosh, UberEats etc etc. They're a boon if you're really not up to going to the shops & they're easy to use (I speak as someone who has undergone significant health issues in the last 2 years & I AM old!) I only turn to my relatives/friends as a last resort because I know that they all have busy lives & problems of their own &, whatever they say, would soon get fed up doing stuff for me that they know I could manage myself.
Knock the shopping on the head & ramp up the hobbies. If she doesn't like that, maybe she isn't so much a friend as an emotional vampire.

I had a close friend that started this with me.
I didn't have many responsibilities at the time, but it still kind of impairs the friendship.
In my case though, she was a big big lady, and it became very apparent that the nearer she got to retirement, the lazier she became. I'm not in the best of health, bad back, joint issues etc. But her demands became quite ridiculous!
Things, such as "do you want to come to the shop with me, I could do with a few things?". Then she'd park up outside and ask me to run in to get the items for her! Or she'd say 'you can borrow my car, oh while you're out can you get me..."
We'd go for days out, taking it in turns to drive. If we went in her car, she'd say she needed petrol, then when we'd get to the petrol station and she'd hand me her card and say you do it! And can you put air in all the tyres while we're here?! I knackered my back for a week after having done that!
Or it would be home things and apps. Can you put new batteries in my remote (followed by some excuse why she couldn't do it!) Or can you connect my WiFi to my TV; can you download this app and set it up, I can't do it I'm no good with stuff like that. Despite having done it for years.
She did seem to lose all capabilities of doing anything after her husband left her. Yet she basically did everything like that when she was married. It was almost like she needed someone around to be dependant on.
It's a hard situation to get out of once you've got so far in and it gradually dawns on you what's happening!
(Sadly, my friend died very suddenly in her sleep, but I'm sure if she were still alive we'd be in the same position!)
I'm no walkover, but it is a tricky one. Maybe and possibly, as in the case of my friend, yours feels alone without a partner to bounce off? And has put you in the partners place?

If she doesn't want to do her own shopping then she's going to need to learn to do it online. People like this annoy me.

She needs somebody and has latched on to you, with seemingly no idea how demanding she is, and she seems a bit autistic maybe if she cant cope with new things, new routes and is oblivious to any hints you drop.
I think you should be really clear with her in the language you use.
It probably will feel awkward at first if you are used to people taking hints.
Directness isn't rudeness. If it gets taken as rude , but she doesn't take hints, then id explain that she cant have it both ways.

Tell her that you enjoy her company, but you feel like she is relying on you to do tasks for her and its a role that you dont want, as youre moving into a stage of your life where you want to reduce demands and you have looked after people all your life. That you actually really value her, so you wanted to actually talk to her about it before it became an issue. That of course friends are there for each other to an extent, but you feel that she is asking you to do things that she is able to do herself and she needs to increase her independence or find paid help.

If she finds it rude, that doesn't mean you shouldn't have said it.

This is actually more common than you would think regarding online grocery shopping. Some people are just really against it for some reason. DM has always got me to go shopping for her when she’s ill and she’s in her 50s, so younger than the OPs friend. It wouldn’t occur to my dad to get an online shop either and he’s the same age.

I also often see people with young babies struggling, but will refuse to get an online food shop, even though that’d mean one less job for them to do. They’d rather drag themselves around a supermarket with their newborn and complain about how knackered they are. That one really baffles me.

I feel sorry for her that she had one child late in life who then moved to the other side of the world.
I wonder what happened there? Was she too intense and needy with her daughter and a move to Oz was a blessed escape?

@chrith I have huge sympathy for her. I would find it very hard to adjust to my only child moving so far away. Her ex husband is Australian, that’s why her DD moved there. I guess she may come back to the U.K. at some point. I don’t honestly think she’s deliberately trying to get away from my friend.

I didn’t want this thread to solicit lots of criticism of my friend. It’s my responsibility to deal with my irritation.