TW: Indecent images

[FlowersandElephants]

2 days ago there was a knock on the door at 6:50am. OH answered and then next thing I knew was in handcuffs and being escorted out. 2 female police officers then came upstairs, one stayed with me and one took the children to their bedroom.

i was told that my OH had been arrested due to having Category A images of children on his phone. He had refused to give them his phone password as well. I was (still am) in shock. I know people always say “he was the last person I would expect” and now I understand what they mean. The images aren’t of our children thank god.

The police came back later to update me and so many things have come out which I wasn’t expecting, he’s been using apps to talk to men and women for 2 years. He’s been cheating on me with god knows how many people. He thinks he’s gay (this one really shocked me and I think it’s a shitty excuse for being a disgusting human)

I am 6 months pregnant and genuinely thought we were good, he’s been attentive and happy with the pregnancy, he’s a good dad (well so I thought)

He isn’t allowed to see the children alone now and I don’t want to facilitate any contact even though the police and social services said I can if I want to, I don’t want to see him at all. It could take up to a year to get to court and he is likely facing a custodial sentence. He has strict bail conditions he needs to stick to.

He has destroyed our lives, I’ve barely slept since finding out. The children have slept with me every night since it happened. The police have told me he’s not denying it but is saying it’s a mistake and he was off his head when it happened. I don’t care, he’s never stepping foot inside my home again.

His mum has asked me not to tell anyone as it might be a “mistake” I’ve told my best friend and work and will tell who I need to as I need support. I don’t believe for one second that 8 police officers came to our house to arrest him over a mistake. He did this and now I need to deal with the consequences.

I don’t know what I’m looking for here. Just to rant to be honest.

A ‘mistake’ - you don’t just have stored pictures like that as a ‘mistake’ they come from really dark dark places and can’t be stumbled across. DISGUSTING.

I think you’re doing the right thing keeping him as far away from the kids as possible.

I know you say ‘not my kids thank god’ but they are someone’s kids, it makes me feel sick to the stomach.

I’m sorry this has happened to you and that he has betrayed you. Have you started on divorce proceedings?

Am sorry you are going through this. Wishing you all the strength.

Please don't say thank God its not my kids. When it comes to crimes against children especially sexual abuse crimes every child should feel like ours. Imagine if another man has been arrested for similar, the kids on his phone/laptop are yours, your nieces, and the wife is relieved and says thank god it's not my kids. Sorry not meaning to crush you when you are down but this is important (to me).

Oh, OP, I am so sorry. What these men put us through.

What a terrible shock for you. Big hugs xxx

I’m sorry you’re absolutely right, I wasn’t thinking when I typed that

We aren’t married so the split should be easy. I’ve got rid of a lot of his stuff already.

Sorry I can’t edit my post (it won’t let me) but I apologise for my wording about it not being my children.

What ‘these men put us through’ - NO, do not generalise men like that.. most men WOULD NOT put us through this.

this isn’t just a ‘oh what are men like’ situation because he’s had too many beers down the pub.

THIS IS CHILD ABUSE, this guy is no man. He’s an animal

I'm so sorry OP. This is absolutely awful. Unforgiveable. Disgusting. But I'm so sorry that you and your children are also victims of his now.

Exactly! He’s a vile animal.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you and your family OP. It’s going to be hard for you all, and depending on the children’s ages it’ll be hard for them to make sense of. Unfortunately, it may come out in the local news and community and as Police are building their case more information may come to light.

Right now it’s about looking after yourself and the kids.

Don't even spare a thought for him, he’s a grown adult who knew what wrong he was doing and has engaged in the most harmful crime against children.

Yes his mum will be shocked and upset but don’t let her talk you into contact or allowing him home eventually etc etc. It sounds like you’re resolved to keep your children safe and as the priority which is great.

If Children Social Care or other support via school for example, want to get involved I’d say let them, it’s a good chance for the children to be able to share their perspectives on what they understand about the situation and have a space to speak freely. It will be a shock for them regardless of what they understand.

Take care of yourself as well. Having worked with men who do these offences, they are great at manipulating and fooling others, hence why it can take so long to catch them.

be strong op

Wow. I can't even begin to understand what you are going through. I am so sorry op, for you and your poor dc.

I have no words of advice at all. But I do think you're doing the right thing having no contact with him.

I'd never want to see him again either x

His mum can get to fuck

Tell everyone and make clear that you had no idea and are done with him

What scum he is

I'm so sorry op, you do what you need to. Take comfort in your children. Some women have no choice but to coparent with an abuser but by all of this happening, you are free! The kids are safe from him!

It may not feel like it now, but its a blessing that it came out like this instead of the worst happening to the kids, although my heart goes out to the poor victims of his and their parents.

Best of luck, op

I'm so sorry you're in this situation this is horrendous. Thank god you know and can take steps to protect your children. Well done for tackling this head on. You have so much on your plate you are doing so well.
His mum is out of order - it's not your job to protect a child abuser.

Don’t beat yourself up about your wording, it’s the natural first instinct to feel, of course it would have felt a million more times more traumatic for you if he had been abusing and/or taking indecent images of your children. You can still recognise that the abuse any child suffers is appalling. Maybe report your own post if you want to ask MN to edit it if you’re still uncomfortable.

He’s disgusting and of course there was no mistake, his mum will be desperately trying to rationalise it in her own mind as she won’t want to admit he’s a monster. It was only 48 hours ago, she won’t have come to terms with it yet either. You and your kids are the bigger concern though, so do what’s right for you and them, seek help from who you need to.

Re your 4 year old, seek guidance from police and children’s services re how to discuss appropriate touching (without leading) to ensure there has been no abuse within the home. It might be that police also had that conversation with dc whilst they were at your house.

I just wanted to say don't beat yourself up about the wording in your first post. I wish my mother had been as protective as you.

I hope you can focus on your pregnancy over the next few months.

You are probably still feeling shell shocked and numb but see if you can get referred for counselling as though you may not feel you need it now, you may do later.

Please speak to a family lawyer if you or he owns the house as they may be able to help protect you - in case there are financial issues that he has done and that you are not aware of.

There are charities that can support you and your children throught this, they are brilliant. The officers who came to the house should direct you.

I’m so sorry OP.
The same has happened to a friends son. It’s going to court soon.

Im
so sorry this has happened to you. Sadly you are not alone. I used to work on a team that managed sex offenders and men like your husband are not unusual and appear on the surface to be ‘ normal, family men’.
They will say it was a mistake, they were drunk, they were unwell, all bullshit.
You have done nothing wrong. It’s good to know that you’re working with social services and police, take all the support you can get.

Well done OP for making the right decision.
I'm sure there was a post not so long ago of a similar situation and the poster believed all the bullshit spun to her by the partner, was wanting to remain with him, him to see the kids etc!

I've worked with people who commit these offences and boy, in my experience they are the most manipulative people. I suppose you'd have to be to convince your own head that what you're doing is OK!

You're doing everything right, stay strong. Don't beat yourself up about your wording...those of us with some emotional intelligence understood what you meant and where you were coming from when you wrote that.

They walk amongst us. How devastating OP thinking of you at this difficult time especially the Children and you need to take care of yourself and baby to come.
I would ask the Police if they have support or guide you how you deal with this devastation,
through various charities and organisations.
What you are going through is unimaginable to most of us, however thank goodness for the police who become aware of these crimes and act on it.
Please seek support from a professional body, as this is specialise therapy you will require.
We can all berate your partner and yea it’s hideous what he has done. In the long term this doesn’t help you navigate rebuilding your and your children’s lives .
Please Take care and get support and be kind to yourself.

OP, you poor thing. Of course I understand why you typed that. It's the first natural instinct to think are my kids involved?

I think it's great you are open and honest as you are being. Some want other people to hide their disgusting behavior and cover up their shame. Some feel this shame is theirs and women can take it on as theirs. Well it's not yours and it's not a reflection on you.

Some people, some men are masters of duplicity, no accountability and his mum needs to stop with those requests and that enabling nonsense.

That many Police don't turn up and act like that for nothing.

I agree that he can never be in your home again. Be prepared for ridiculous excuses I imagine he will come up with. Taking the wrong medication, stress, addicted to cocaine - whatever absolute rubbish, please remember this first reaction you've had. Nothing at all makes someone do this apart from a proclivity for it.

I’m very sorry this happened OP.

I must say, as a parent of a young girl, and a woman who was sexually abused and had images taken of them, it felt like a knife in my heart when you said ‘thank god it wasn’t our children’.

I know others have mentioned it, but programme in your head how appalling this is for any child. Otherwise you will be seen as justifying, that it’s not as bad because the images already existed and weren’t made with your own family involvement etc.

I think your attitude is exactly right with regard to no contact and not letting him back in the house. I’d be eager to speak to the police for advice on who to talk to with regards to your children going forward. I’d want very clear lines very quickly about what access is likely to be allowed and what you might be able to get set via court now if needed to give your children as much stability as possible (even if that is some contact, but being able to provide it consistently and support them accordingly given their ages and the nature of everything).

I’m a single mum (and reasonably bright, have a good career etc, most people seem to think I’m far better than I think I am) and my proudest achievements in life are being a single mum and how far we’ve come and what we’ve achieved on our own. There is no confidence booster like it. Seeing and living a life where I can meet my DD’s needs and enjoy life without needing anybody else, and seeing how happy she is. We have a great life. I still get sad that we don’t have the life I would have wanted (sibling for her for a start) and that’s OK, but life can and will still be wonderful. The bit you need to process is the shock of it not continuing on the trajectory you expected.

I'm so sorry OP, that's just awful on every way.

I don't want to add to your worries, but as you're pregnant and he's been having sex with other people, you really really need to be tested for STDs asap. I'm sorry.