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Original poster

TW: Indecent images

58 replies

FlowersandElephants · 21/08/2025 05:48

2 days ago there was a knock on the door at 6:50am. OH answered and then next thing I knew was in handcuffs and being escorted out. 2 female police officers then came upstairs, one stayed with me and one took the children to their bedroom.

i was told that my OH had been arrested due to having Category A images of children on his phone. He had refused to give them his phone password as well. I was (still am) in shock. I know people always say “he was the last person I would expect” and now I understand what they mean. The images aren’t of our children thank god.

The police came back later to update me and so many things have come out which I wasn’t expecting, he’s been using apps to talk to men and women for 2 years. He’s been cheating on me with god knows how many people. He thinks he’s gay (this one really shocked me and I think it’s a shitty excuse for being a disgusting human)

I am 6 months pregnant and genuinely thought we were good, he’s been attentive and happy with the pregnancy, he’s a good dad (well so I thought)

He isn’t allowed to see the children alone now and I don’t want to facilitate any contact even though the police and social services said I can if I want to, I don’t want to see him at all. It could take up to a year to get to court and he is likely facing a custodial sentence. He has strict bail conditions he needs to stick to.

He has destroyed our lives, I’ve barely slept since finding out. The children have slept with me every night since it happened. The police have told me he’s not denying it but is saying it’s a mistake and he was off his head when it happened. I don’t care, he’s never stepping foot inside my home again.

His mum has asked me not to tell anyone as it might be a “mistake” I’ve told my best friend and work and will tell who I need to as I need support. I don’t believe for one second that 8 police officers came to our house to arrest him over a mistake. He did this and now I need to deal with the consequences.

I don’t know what I’m looking for here. Just to rant to be honest.

OP posts:
JoyDivision79 · 21/08/2025 07:22

This is not the place regards flagging OPs ref to her own children. I'm not comfortable with these comments.

I'm not going to reel off my own experiences. Yes, I have experiences on some level. After she's processed this, she can think about other victims. This is her space to process her own immediate struggle without being ' educated ' at this moment in time.

OP is not advocating abuse or undermining abuse of others at all. Stop.

Rainallnight · 21/08/2025 07:23

I’m so sorry, OP. He’s set off a bomb in your life. I don’t have any practical advice, I just wanted to wish you all strength and luck as you set about rebuilding your lives.

YesHonestly · 21/08/2025 07:24

I am so very sorry OP.

You will be running on shock and adrenaline right now, it’s really important that you get a support system around you for when that ends. Can you speak to your GP and your midwife?

You are absolutely doing the right thing by protecting your children from him, I suggest you get some therapy in place for you and them. This is too much for one person to try and process by themselves.

Speak to the school, this will be reported in the local news sooner or later. Build that support network now.

Eat little and often, drink water and really try to take care of yourself. We are all here to support you.

I wouldn’t bank on him going to prison, it is also a possibility that he will get a suspended sentence so later down the line think about whether you want to stay where you are or if moving is an option.

Take care of yourself x

EnglishRain · 21/08/2025 07:29

JoyDivision79 · 21/08/2025 07:22

This is not the place regards flagging OPs ref to her own children. I'm not comfortable with these comments.

I'm not going to reel off my own experiences. Yes, I have experiences on some level. After she's processed this, she can think about other victims. This is her space to process her own immediate struggle without being ' educated ' at this moment in time.

OP is not advocating abuse or undermining abuse of others at all. Stop.

Edited

As someone who has seen how the family of a sex offender were treated in the immediate aftermath, based on how they responded, I think it’s relevant and appropriate to share such things.

People can become judgemental of the family and friends of sex offenders too. Why else do you think people keep it very quiet when family members disappear into the ether?

Claradubh · 21/08/2025 07:29

This will be utter hell for you and I’m so sorry. Not the same situation but FIL was charged with historic sex offences. He also came out as gay. It was a living nightmare for MIL especially but also DH and siblings. There were so many feelings of disgust, shame and anger.

Your situation is heartbreaking. Your children and young and you have a baby on the way. No doubt I will be slated for this by some other people but particularly at this moment, you cannot afford to be thinking of anyone else involved in this situation. I know you will be going through a million different scenarios in your head. Bring your focus back to you and your children. Just do what you need to do to get through each second, minute and hour of each day. Don’t get too caught up with MIL and what she is saying or doing. Denial will be a huge thing for most parties at some point. You definitely need some people to talk to about this situation and get some comfort and support. Carefully choose a small number of close, trustworthy and understanding people. If anyone proves to be judgmental, ditch them. It’s not helpful and non what you need just now.

Take care of yourself and be very kind to yourself. Not one iota of this situation is down to you. In terms of access for your children, put it out of your head in the short term. One very valuable piece of advice given to my DH and MIL was to not make any decisions about anything initially.

I am giving you a huge hug ❤️

JoyDivision79 · 21/08/2025 07:32

@EnglishRain that part you explain is a very good point I hadn't considered! Thankyou.

Amazingstoke · 21/08/2025 07:37

EnglishRain · 21/08/2025 07:29

As someone who has seen how the family of a sex offender were treated in the immediate aftermath, based on how they responded, I think it’s relevant and appropriate to share such things.

People can become judgemental of the family and friends of sex offenders too. Why else do you think people keep it very quiet when family members disappear into the ether?

Show quote history

I think @FlowersandElephants needs to be ready for this and supported as there may well be neighbours, family members, parents of children’s friends who may be worried that they were victims. I would proactively speak out to your family, friends, neighbours etc asap to demonstrate that you are not colluding or in denial - rather than this getting to them by gossip - a short text would suffice.

Sweetbeansandmochi · 21/08/2025 07:44

I am sorry this has happened to you. I know someone in real life who it happened to and I share that so you know you are not alone/the only one.

My feelings were of upmost sympathy for her and for you too.

I think you sound in shock - which is good. It’s a protective thing and will help you move forward with action.

My greatest wish for you is in a few weeks/months/years that you don’t take this crime on to our shoulders. You couldn’t stop it, you shouldn’t have known, you couldn’t have made a different choice for a partner or father at the start…all the tormenting thoughts that will try to come in - don’t take them on board.

Its a bit like a death but your partner didn’t die..there are women who will understand and who are further on this journey- try and connect with them.

I wish you peace, support and strength.

BetweenTwoFerns · 21/08/2025 07:44

It’s preposterous of his mother to think that you can all sweep this under the rug, possibly for a year. I suppose that I’m doing what @EnglishRainsays and judging the MIL on how she is acting.

DOCTORCEE · 21/08/2025 07:47

FlowersandElephants · 21/08/2025 05:48

2 days ago there was a knock on the door at 6:50am. OH answered and then next thing I knew was in handcuffs and being escorted out. 2 female police officers then came upstairs, one stayed with me and one took the children to their bedroom.

i was told that my OH had been arrested due to having Category A images of children on his phone. He had refused to give them his phone password as well. I was (still am) in shock. I know people always say “he was the last person I would expect” and now I understand what they mean. The images aren’t of our children thank god.

The police came back later to update me and so many things have come out which I wasn’t expecting, he’s been using apps to talk to men and women for 2 years. He’s been cheating on me with god knows how many people. He thinks he’s gay (this one really shocked me and I think it’s a shitty excuse for being a disgusting human)

I am 6 months pregnant and genuinely thought we were good, he’s been attentive and happy with the pregnancy, he’s a good dad (well so I thought)

He isn’t allowed to see the children alone now and I don’t want to facilitate any contact even though the police and social services said I can if I want to, I don’t want to see him at all. It could take up to a year to get to court and he is likely facing a custodial sentence. He has strict bail conditions he needs to stick to.

He has destroyed our lives, I’ve barely slept since finding out. The children have slept with me every night since it happened. The police have told me he’s not denying it but is saying it’s a mistake and he was off his head when it happened. I don’t care, he’s never stepping foot inside my home again.

His mum has asked me not to tell anyone as it might be a “mistake” I’ve told my best friend and work and will tell who I need to as I need support. I don’t believe for one second that 8 police officers came to our house to arrest him over a mistake. He did this and now I need to deal with the consequences.

I don’t know what I’m looking for here. Just to rant to be honest.

I’m so sorry OP. This is a terrible shock. There is a support page called ‘stop it now’ or similar for people in the same position as you

makeyerbed · 21/08/2025 07:47

His mum has asked me not to tell anyone as it might be a “mistake” I’ve told my best friend and work and will tell who I need to as I need support.

I was once in a relationship with a man who it later transpired was grooming teenagers. For years after the investigation, I had a misplaced sense of shame and I never told anyone what he’d done, just that we’d ’broken up’. I eventually told a friend who reminded me I wasn’t his PR manager, it wasn’t my job to protect his reputation. That helped a lot.

OP, you might find that some judgy people will look suspiciously at you, e.g ‘how could you have not known’ etc etc. You don’t have to defend yourself against people like that either. Surround yourself with good people who will support you. I imagine there will be support groups for women in the same situation too.

LifeOfAShowGirl · 21/08/2025 07:51

OP, a very similar thing happened to me, I just don’t have a house/children with the guy. He was arrested, charged and convicted of raping two teenage girls. I made it clear immediately that I had nothing to do with him when this happened, deleted every trace of him from my social media and cut off all of our old friends who somehow stuck by him. I was 19.

thankfully this didn’t follow me at uni, and by the time I came home I didn’t have many friends left here. I’d say, when the dust has settled, get some therapy

Jojobees · 21/08/2025 08:01

I’m so sorry your OH has done this to you and your children.
I just wanted to say please tell your midwife asap, as she will have had the police notification and she will be able to help and support you during this incredibly difficult time.

gmgnts · 21/08/2025 08:02

A popular Scottish MSP was charged yesterday with having indecent images and I was reflecting on how and why these men do this - and also how the police find evidence. Your partner has probably been under surveillance for some time and his crimes are probably much worse than you might imagine, I'm sorry to say. I hope you have support in place for you and the children. I'm so sorry Flowers. I wish you strength and fortitude.

mpsssm · 21/08/2025 08:07

I just wanted to tell you that your future life will not be defined by this.

Very, very similar happened to me 7 years ago. Our child was 8, about to turn 9 and has SEN.

I thought my world had ended. It didn't. I told my friends and colleagues and their only concerns were for me and my child. Work could not have been more supportive.

7 years on, I've been promoted several times at the same work place, bought my own house and gained so much confidence in other ways... I now run and have lost weight.

My child amazes me every day. They play an instrument to a high level, have done silver Duke of Edinburgh and excel in maths (still struggles to read, but has strategies for that).

Today they collect GCSE results and have a bright future.

What I want you to take from this is that although right now you are devastated, this is not your shame.

Hope I'm making sense

HarLace1 · 21/08/2025 08:08

OP I am so sorry this has happened to you, these people are vile. 5 years ago my aunt split with my uncle and it never made sense, they were the best couple and I adored him. It transpired to the same thing happened, he has the most serious case of child pornography on his computer and they arrived at 7am arrested him and took him away. My aunt was absolutely stunned and stated it must have been a mistake, it was only when she sat and thought about it afterwards that she realized he never kicked off and was compliant with the arrest. Then he admitted it all. She threw him out immediately and divorced him. It was such a shock as I knew this man my whole life and he had never ever been weird with me or anything. I loved him. You just never know sometimes.

Also to add me and my mum were very much in the idea that these wives or partners MUST know about it. Well, we very quickly realized that was a horrible judgy way of thinking and that they are also in the dark and the shock is horrific. So I'm so sorry for you. At least you know the real him now.

HangryBrickShark · 21/08/2025 08:14

Well done on sticking to your guns. I'm so sorry this has happened, its a lot more common than you'd think.

You must be devastated that you have lost your future with your partner from the aspect of who you thought he was. But you must remember he isn't that person who you based your future hopes and dreams on. He is a very disturbed individual. But it doesn't make your 'loss' any less and I can appreciate you are grieving for the life you thought you had.

You don't have to have it figured out to move forward. You just need to take that first step. We are all with you. Much love x

TY78910 · 21/08/2025 08:24

JoyDivision79 · 21/08/2025 07:22

This is not the place regards flagging OPs ref to her own children. I'm not comfortable with these comments.

I'm not going to reel off my own experiences. Yes, I have experiences on some level. After she's processed this, she can think about other victims. This is her space to process her own immediate struggle without being ' educated ' at this moment in time.

OP is not advocating abuse or undermining abuse of others at all. Stop.

Edited

I agree. It’s a natural instinct to think ‘thank god he wasn’t doing anything to my children’ because that comes with its own set of challenges down the road. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about the other victims, but it’s not unreasonable to want to be reassured your own kids weren’t subject to that.

OP, this is horrendous. I can’t even imagine what you are going through right now. I was a juror in a similar case and the devastation of the victim family was something I will never forget. Please be strong, it will be a long road ahead and be prepared for questioning and trials. Sounds like he will be trying to get out of this with his mother’s help just like the case I was on. Hold your head up high, there may be things in the local media. Try to block those pages so it doesn’t pop up on your feed. Make sure your children get all the support they need in school. Sending you loads of hugs.

JoyDivision79 · 21/08/2025 08:27

@TY78910 yes.

OP, your post tells me his mum is something of a big enabler, mops up after him and will guilt trip you.

I'd cut contact with her dramatically. Agree ref social media. Go very unavailable and avoid as much as possible. Because people can go gutter level with gossip.

Millowmallowsky · 21/08/2025 08:32

@FlowersandElephants i went through the same wirh my ex, its horrifying. I have two young children with him, and mentally its been awful. He was also a cheat and on all pps, as well as have pornography. He went to prison and has come out recently, but mentally im still having to deal with it. Its not easy to process. Dont expevt your mother in law to support you, mine didnt. His family are all supporting him, i have cut them all out

Original poster
FlowersandElephants · 21/08/2025 09:17

Thank you all so much.

I am most definitely still in shock and trying to process everything.

I have spoken to someone at the Lucy Faithfull foundation who was so helpful. I’ll be speaking to the school once the children go back and have made an appointment to see my midwife. I have also been to the doctor and am signed off, initially for 2 weeks and then I can decide if I want to extend that.

OP posts:
2brains · 21/08/2025 09:20

why were YOU handcuffed? 😕

HangryBrickShark · 21/08/2025 09:26

2brains · 21/08/2025 09:20

why were YOU handcuffed? 😕

Standard procedure isn't it?
Quite often the wife/partner will kick off as they won't berlieve the charges and they will be in shock. It's done to defuse the situation I believe.

Peclet · 21/08/2025 09:26

op.

I had a similar situation with a close friend who told us all lies and minimised his actions and it was all a huge miscarriage of justice. It wasn’t. They lied and lied and lied and are back in jail.

Your partner will say and do anything to manipulate you.

Clean break. Never see him again. Believe the police and the evidence.

Peclet · 21/08/2025 09:26

op.

I had a similar situation with a close friend who told us all lies and minimised his actions and it was all a huge miscarriage of justice. It wasn’t. They lied and lied and lied and are back in jail.

Your partner will say and do anything to manipulate you.

Clean break. Never see him again. Believe the police and the evidence.

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