Created a rod for my own back with lazy kids…how do I stop now?

[aperolspritzbasicbitch]

2 girls - 11 and 8.
Both do absolutely nothing around the home to help, I’m not even talking major chores, but nothing to the extent that they will have a snack and basically leave any packaging to lie wherever it falls, until this mug here comes along and picks it up!
I don’t want to have two spoilt brats on my hands and I know that this needs to change, so I’ve explained to them that this isn’t acceptable, they need to be responsible to cleaning their own mess, and explained that from now on they need to actually get off their arses and throw their own rubbish in the bin, they need to clear the table after themselves, put their clothes straight in the wash basket etc etc and we’ll build on it from there.
the problem is, constantly reminding them is more exhausting and time consuming than just doing it myself!
I’ve just lost my shit because whilst I was in the middle of prepping dinner for tonight the 11 year old has just walked up to me with a carton of apple juice in hand, asking me to open it because she couldn’t…she couldn’t because she only had 1 hand free as her iPad was in the other, and rather than just PUT IT DOWN it makes more sense to her that I stop and do it!
it’s building such a rage inside me.
how do I push through with this and come out the other end?!

OP I'm down this road .
Just remember catch more files with honey

Not that I'm successful but what has helped is not nagging just asking and warning them. Eg In half an hour can you do X and giving specific jobs.

Also assigning one specific job each week giving them a choice and then that becomes their weekly job .

They have to be kind of trained into It.

Gently.

Once they have one job they own add on some smaller stuff eg putting plate into dishwasher not leaving it.

Go slowly and gently and build up they are still really young and plenty of time to get truly helpful teens.

Good luck

Mine are motivated by cash. They each get £5 at the beginning of the week
we have a set of standards and if they miss any, they loose 20p

socks on the floor:20p
clothes not in the washing basket:20p
shoes not on the shelf: you get the idea.

clearing the table or setting up is not an option.

we don’t over justify it apart from to say they need to grow up to be actual adults (and not arseholes)

i would also just say no to the apple juice example. I’d probably laugh but no way would i stop what i was doing

Definitely following, I have almost exactly the same situation although the youngest will help when asked or when she wants to but will get up from the table and leave her bowl. I have to ask every time and get her to come back to sort it out. It’s exhausting!

How long since you sat them down to talk to them about it? It takes time for bad habits to stop and get good ones going especially as it’s been so long.
Good on you for doing it now though; I have an older child who I now realise we were far too lenient on with helping round the house and that is really an uphill battle.

Cash for chores is a good idea and worked to some extent here. Also just getting everyone to agree that when you say “ok everyone it’s a 5 minute pick up!” They all stop what they’re doing and tidy up around them for literally 5 minutes, set a timer! Might be easier than constantly having to remind them to tidy as they go, it doesn’t come naturally to kids. Eventually they will realise that if they just put stuff in the bin/laundry basket or whatever they will not have to do so much in a 5 minute pick up! Let them see the consequences of their actions kind of thing.

Well as that say here in Ireland, they didn’t lick it up off the ground @aperolspritzbasicbitch you need to fight through your want to take the easy route and not keep reminding them…arguing with them etc is the same as their laziness. You created it as you say, so yes you need to follow through and break the pattern. Plough on…

If they always done nothing start small.
They not going to change overnight.
You change what you do gradually.

be calm but firm.
engage them in rule setting. Sit and agree and write down
offer incentive eg pocket money.
start with your example Like saying no to opening juice.
But say it calmly with a smile.
Start implementing small steps eg laying table before eating (motivation is you get the food) etc

Also I find that rather than “can you put your bowl away” can you do this” etc that it’s often more effective to say “oh your bowl is on the table still” or “I think that’s your rubbish etc” and they feel less like they’re being nagged and told what to do all the time - although sometimes they look at me blankly as if they’re brain is going yep that’s my bowl, so what!

1. start saying no.It won’t kill you or them.
2. Let them feel the consequences of their behaviours where you can. Clothes everyone? Not getting washed. Shit on the floor? You’re hoovering anyway. Whatever happens, happens.
3. Use their screen addiction against them. Turn the wifi off / devices only available when all their chores/jobs are done.

I disagree with any reward system especially cash as it makes being a decent human being transactional. I do a load of shouting instead 😆 hey there’s no perfect parent 🤷‍♀️

@aperolspritzbasicbitch btw

I know people go on about Sen all the time but we are really careful on our house not to associate cleaning with being an arsehole or not.

Good adults are far more including or not including cleaning. I know some really nasty people who are the cleanest homes etc you will ever see.

But what I'm coming to is executive function
Google it , your DC are probably too young to check yet but many people struggle with getting organised ,being tidy it's an actual thing in their brains .

So definitely be kind and help it's a learning experience and they may have something else going on.

I'd only allow the ipad/phone/tv - whatever it is they want to do - after they've made their bed/put their plates in the dishwasher/put their clothes in the wash basket - or whatever it is you want them to do.

Every time they leave packaging or whatever in the counter top leave it, go get them and tell them to tidy it.

Every time

Eventually they’ll work out that it’s quicker to do it the first time.

Agree with the advice you’ve had. But also, when they ask you to do something say “Yes, sure! Just put it over there and I’ll do that for you first chance I get!” And then don’t do it. Let them nag you - “Oh yes, sorry! I’ll do right away. “ But then let them nag you again. They’ll soon just do it themselves and you’ll get your own back.

There’s a difference between executive function issues and creating more work for someone and being lazy. That’s where the arseholery comes in.

For example. Not knowing where to start, or the best place to put /store things, struggling with folding so things never look nice and it’s frustrating , feeling overwhelmed at the sheer amount of tasks (even if small) vs shoving wrappers to the side of the bed cause you can’t be bothered to put them in the bin 1 m away, or just dumping your shit on the floor, or sending mum a text to come bring you a drink/sandwich /whatever. That’s where the arseholery comes in.

Stop buying things with packaging as "they can't be trusted". My DC learnt that I won't replace anything left in a mess. Clothes in their bedroom floor stays there, anything left outside it proper places gets swept up by me and it may or may not get back to them.
No shouting or bribes, natural consequences work .ore effectively.

@WhenYouSayNothingAtAll

Couldn't disagree more adult children living at home perhaps but it's not something id call a 8 and 11 year old child and actually if ADHD or ASD comes into play it gets more complicated

I think refering to small children who need to learn in such a way as arseholes is completely inappropriate.

Totally agreed on starting small and building from there. It is frustrating but often they literally just don’t see it and don’t think about it because they’ve never needed to. You may need to accept that reminding will keep happening for some time (even though it’s annoying and I feel your pain!) before it becomes habitual.

just keep cracking and try to remain positive but firm, pick the one thing that is the most annoying perhaps and go with that first. Good luck

100% agree! Having to come down from their bedroom to put away the crisp packet they left out will annoy them and hopefully change habits. Also get them to do a tidy up of whatever room they’ve been in before they go to bed, it’s so annoying when you only discover their mess when they’ve already gone. And make sure jobs are done before doing activities they like/play dates/trips out etc. I have always said to my children that everyone in the house needs to contribute to keeping it nice, I see a lot of kids who feel that it is mum’s job to tidy.

You need to stop enabling them, and just stop. Show them how to do what they need to do, and after that they are on their own. If they want to sleep and have friends round to messy smelly rooms, let them. Learn to say no.

How do you think adult children at home grow up to be like that?

Are you my husband OP? This is exactly the situation he's got into. He can't see that short term pain (reminding/asking them to do things themselves) will lead to long term gain. He runs himself ragged after the children who will literally open an ice lolly (for example) and just drop the packaging where they're standing.

He's now snappy, grumpy and miserable and not the man I used to know.

I won't put up with their behaviour but if I ask the kids to pick up their mess, take their plates to the kitchen etc he comes running into the room as soon as hears and does it for them because it's "easier".

These days I just let him get on with it if that's how he wants to live that's fine, but I won't be living like that.

You (and my DH) aren't doing your children any favours and despite it feeling easier in the moment you're making life so much harder for yourself.

It will be hard on the short term but you just need to bite the bullet, set expectations and stick to them.

They will probably sulk/tantrum/push back but over time it will become normal routine for them

Are you my husband OP? This is exactly the situation he's got into. He can't see that short term pain (reminding/asking them to do things themselves) will lead to long term gain. He runs himself ragged after the children who will literally open an ice lolly (for example) and just drop the packaging where they're standing.

He's now snappy, grumpy and miserable and not the man I used to know.

I won't put up with their behaviour but if I ask the kids to pick up their mess, take their plates to the kitchen etc he comes running into the room as soon as hears and does it for them because it's "easier".

These days I just let him get on with it if that's how he wants to live that's fine, but I won't be living like that.

You (and my DH) aren't doing your children any favours and despite it feeling easier in the moment you're making life so much harder for yourself.

It will be hard on the short term but you just need to bite the bullet, set expectations and stick to them.

They will probably sulk/tantrum/push back but over time it will become normal routine for them

There's some good advice here OP.

I will just add that, from my experience, you need to divide and conquer. I had five and the biggest cry I ever heard from mine was 'Why should I do (whatever I'd asked them to) when XXXX (whichever of their siblings they could see) isn't doing ANYTHING!' They'd then all down tools simultaneously, and because nobody would start - NOBODY would start.

So I would give them completely separate jobs where they can't see each other. One upstairs tidying her room, one downstairs doing something in the kitchen. It was literally the only way to get mine to do anything.

Oh and one of the DC is SEN (as this was mentioned above) but they still need healthy boundaries.

SEN DD needs more help with household tasks as she finds them overwhelming but boundaries can still be set, just with more support/ in a different way