Created a rod for my own back with lazy kids…how do I stop now?

[aperolspritzbasicbitch]

2 girls - 11 and 8.
Both do absolutely nothing around the home to help, I’m not even talking major chores, but nothing to the extent that they will have a snack and basically leave any packaging to lie wherever it falls, until this mug here comes along and picks it up!
I don’t want to have two spoilt brats on my hands and I know that this needs to change, so I’ve explained to them that this isn’t acceptable, they need to be responsible to cleaning their own mess, and explained that from now on they need to actually get off their arses and throw their own rubbish in the bin, they need to clear the table after themselves, put their clothes straight in the wash basket etc etc and we’ll build on it from there.
the problem is, constantly reminding them is more exhausting and time consuming than just doing it myself!
I’ve just lost my shit because whilst I was in the middle of prepping dinner for tonight the 11 year old has just walked up to me with a carton of apple juice in hand, asking me to open it because she couldn’t…she couldn’t because she only had 1 hand free as her iPad was in the other, and rather than just PUT IT DOWN it makes more sense to her that I stop and do it!
it’s building such a rage inside me.
how do I push through with this and come out the other end?!

Making their life difficult for themselves is the way to go.

Such as - announcing you are going to do some laundry today, so if they have anything that needs washing, please can they go and put it in the laundry basket. When you do the laundry, wash only those items that are in the basket. Try doing that for a couple of weeks, and it will begin to dawn on them that they can't wear what they want that day because it is still in the screwed-up pile of dirty clothes on their bedroom floor. Make no comment other than to regularly and calmly announce your intention to wash the clothes in the laundry basket. The penny will drop eventually.

With the iPad thing I’d have just said “yes of course, when I’ve finished cooking dinner”.

She’d have soon sorted it herself!

Change the language -

'You've left the rubbish on the sofa' - they know this, they did it and don't care. There is no instruction or expectation

'You need to put the rubbish in the bin now, thank you' - its not a question, its a clearly stated instruction.

Thank you, some really helpful advice and also thanks to the people who have commented just to say they are in the same boat, it helps to know I’m not alone in this!
I’m probably being dramatic but at the moment it really feels like I’ve failed, because how can my children not connect the dots between having a literal piece of rubbish in their hands and throwing it in the bin vs leaving it on the sofa!
I’ll carry on with the reminders, and do think maybe a version of letting them find out the natural consequences of not pulling their weight!

I'm so glad we haven't created this, 4 kids 15,5 and youngest two are 3 they all do there various pickups wether it's toys,rubbish, clothes,plates in dishwasher after use etc. Oldest also does hoovering,bathrooms when asked etc actually he is also a great cook and loves that one. 5 year old makes bed when gets up,empties bins,feeds pets. It all starts when very young and made very clear from young the quicker our chores are done the quicker we go out for fun. I would never ever pay for chores to be done. Some things in life need done willingly and this happy family all working together.

You have to set your boundaries and expectations and cheerfully follow through. No fuss, no cash, just this is what we do.

Well done, you’re clearly a much better parent.

good for you.

Nothing FUN until things are DONE!

You've spent years inadvertently building the habit of lifting and laying them, it won't change overnight but good for you for realising it needs to change. Deep breaths, count to 10 and keep up the reminders. Be consistent, firm but fair that they are old enough now to take on age appropriate responsibilities and it won't take years to change the habits I promise!
Natural consequences, washing not in the basket? Well its not washed and ready so they will have to wear something else.

Rewards do help - no screen time till your jobs are done.
There are a couple of major issues with DD (that I'm not willing to let go) and those get pocket money docked, other things are mainly bribe with screen time.
And as others have said, go gradually.

Give them specific jobs. They won't like it but will not mind once they get used to doing them.
So, DC 1 does the washing up. DC2 vacuum etc. you will be training them for the future and they will begin to see they have a role in the family. Start them cooking and boom! You have young adults who can look after themselves. ( I will never forget the reactions of my young girlfriends when I made a meal for them on our early dates. Talk about making an impression!)

@aperolspritzbasicbitch
A good few years ago now I was in the same position with my kids. Nothing worked until I went on strike!!
I sat with a cup of tea and a magazine for a week. I made sure there was enough basic food for them to prepare( toast, cereal, fruit etc….) But I did nothing else. If they were in the kitchen trying to cook I kept an eye out to make sure they safe. But that was it.
They said I was mean! I said, no just tired from doing everything for everyone. So I’m going to be like you… and do nothing until I feel better and have less work to do.
It took a few days but they got the message.
It slipped back occasionally but I just threatened to strike again.
They laugh about it now!
It definitely worked

I spoke to my older wiser neighbour about this situation when mine were young. Six kids, 2 SEN. Everyone had something to do. A lot of the time it was working together as a family that enabled them to see the benefits. Every Saturday morning we would all clean the house together. I would process the laundry and ironing but they were each responsible for putting their own pile away. Online shopping was a godsend and we all put it away. I also encouraged them all to work as soon as they could to get money for themselves. They saw the benefits of having their own money for their own work.

My DC are the same. I think I'm going to stop buying snacks as they litter everywhere, it's revolting.

😁

Money talks. No pocket money unless they perform tasks. I think there’s even an app that turns it into a sort of game (which I’m sure they’ll hate but any adjustment is going to be painful).

Jeez. We’ve absolutely no interest in hearing about how wonderful you think your kids are.

My DS said to me when he was 8,’
‘ I’ll do it if you pay me”.
So I said his dinner, laundry and help with homework was £10.00 !

But people who struggle with executive function- the organisation/ motivation aspect- have to work hard at strategies to make sure they do the bare minimum necessary to be an adult. Yeah it’s harder for them than others and they may well never be Kim and Aggie… but they have to work hard on developing strategies to not leave their dirty dishes on the table or rubbish on their chair… it’s not just a case of ‘they have Sen therefore we have to understand they can’t do it’. I do understand what you mean about not attaching a moral aspect eg. ‘Being a good person requires you to be tidy’ but being an adult does require you to try.

This works with my 8yo. He’s always trying it on, can’t get something from upstairs because his legs/arms/eyebrows hurt. I just say “I’ll do it in a minute” over and over “sorry, of course, I’ll just finish this…” and eventually he gets bored and gets whatever it is himself.

Or sometimes I pretend I can’t hear him if he’s asking for something from another room. That also works because him coming to find me would be just as much effort as getting said item so he gives in.

Write a list of all the behaviours (ie clearing away rubbish). Put rewards charts in place. If they do enough good behaviour, they get the reward, if they don’t do enough, they don’t. It may take a couple of weeks (children do push back at change and think parents will cave, this is clear from SuperNanny) but it will start to improve.

Alternatively you could write a list and work out which behaviour bothers you the most and focus on strategies to change that specific behaviour, ie loss of a privilege for that day.

whatever you do, just try and keep it simple and easy for them to understand and really stick to it. Just stick consistently at whatever it is for at least two weeks to see how it goes.

with something like litter too, you could also embed the idea that picking up rubbish is good by taking them out on litter picking trips and talking about how rubbish hurts animals. My children (outside of the car!!) never drop litter and are mortified when they see any or anyone else do it because it’s so ingrained in them from modelling.

also too… hate to ask but is there a partner/hubby and how is he? If he’s modelling this negative behaviour, that needs to be addressed too.

This is good advice too. I see so much horrendous parenting where people make an observation (passive aggressive) or plead with children. Politely but firmly, making a clear request, is the way.

I agree with you. Whether an adult or a child, there are skills we have to learn to function in society. Some people may find it harder than others but they just have to develop strategies. I have this with one of my children and gradually scaffolded/built up strategies.

I think to say be kind, someone might have SEN, just makes an excuse for them not to even try to function. I also don’t get the sense of SEN here from what OP describes - seems that she bravely acknowledges some behaviours/habits have been developed which are unwanted. It takes guts to admit that and be so honest.

@Dr13Hadley I ask mine if their legs/arms have fallen off when they say "I can't..."

Agree with most of the posts on here.
Except the early posters who recommend giving cash incentives.
IMHO the best incentive is "because it makes your life better".
E.g not paying you to practice that godawful fucking violin. You practice that instrument from hell because it'll make you a better violin player.
Ditto brushing your teeth. Not gonna pay you because the payback is you have strong, healthy teeth and a beautiful smile.

Having said that, I had the lazy DD.
She then went to uni and was the one person in her halls who did all the cleaning and cooking. Who knew!
Certainly not her. She laughed at my surprise.

Good for her for bossing it.

ETA - she definitely didn't get it from my terrible parenting!