Created a rod for my own back with lazy kids…how do I stop now?

[aperolspritzbasicbitch]

2 girls - 11 and 8.
Both do absolutely nothing around the home to help, I’m not even talking major chores, but nothing to the extent that they will have a snack and basically leave any packaging to lie wherever it falls, until this mug here comes along and picks it up!
I don’t want to have two spoilt brats on my hands and I know that this needs to change, so I’ve explained to them that this isn’t acceptable, they need to be responsible to cleaning their own mess, and explained that from now on they need to actually get off their arses and throw their own rubbish in the bin, they need to clear the table after themselves, put their clothes straight in the wash basket etc etc and we’ll build on it from there.
the problem is, constantly reminding them is more exhausting and time consuming than just doing it myself!
I’ve just lost my shit because whilst I was in the middle of prepping dinner for tonight the 11 year old has just walked up to me with a carton of apple juice in hand, asking me to open it because she couldn’t…she couldn’t because she only had 1 hand free as her iPad was in the other, and rather than just PUT IT DOWN it makes more sense to her that I stop and do it!
it’s building such a rage inside me.
how do I push through with this and come out the other end?!

I would have said NO! to the apple juice.
I would have insisted that she put it back and pour herself a glass of water.
Refuse the girls any treats or food unless they are sitting down at the table. Bring in some normal standards of behaviour that most children learn before they go to school.
Your childen are not just rude; they are bad for the planet.

Watch Bad Teacher and do a quick 180 degree turn in terms of your acceptance of lazy behaviour.
You will have to also become a great example of the type of person you'd like your daughters to emulate.

It's never too late ti start implementing rules. They are both still young. Be firm and always follow through with punishments, so they see the consequences of their behaviour.

Sorry, very open to constructive criticism, but can you please explain how my children are bad for the planet?

well, any worse than your average person anyway.

This is true. This laziness is ingrained behaviour. It will take time to reset. Hang in.there.

Set them up for success. A regular chore done on a specific day helps and an actual visual chart that they can tick or stamp (much more fun) will help too.

No cash is paid in this house for any chore. You do the chore to get what you want, the ipad, tv, a trip to the park etc. No one pays me as an adult to do a chore.

At the age they are, set the table, clear a table, put items into the dishwasher. In school they would both be made to tidy up any classroom activity that created mess. The same with their school dinners, they are responsible for taking the tray back, scraping the remains into the bin etc.

Mine also stripped their beds, they can do it together and the 11 year old can definitely put her bedding back on her bed. You can assist for a bit but ultimately she needs to do it.

You need to have a talk to them and point out that you do not live with your parents and they at some stage will not live with you. All the things you and your Dp/Dh do they will have to do too and now they have to learn those things.

Yes, standing over them is relentless but my children knew I would never back down so just got on with it although mine started younger. If they leave a mess anywhere you interrupt them playing and make them come back and clear up. I even delayed putting a load of laundry on so that they would turn their inside out socks the right way out.

Yes you will be met with complaints but you need to stop pandering to them. My children are young adults, they still live at home so you might end up with this going on for 15 years, is that what you want? No, so dig in now. Have a song, something that helps you keep calm that you sing or even play via a headphone in your ear.

I agree with RockyRogue, I’ve never done cash. Mi e are far from perfect but I make them come back and pick wrappers up, come back and clean the loo if they left a mess. You could also just stop buying snacks so they can’t leave wrappers. Another, but more extreme, would be that they can’t have a play date as they don’t clean up after themselves.

Sorry but I do think it’s just keep on keeping on!

I’m glad you’ve realised that your kids have been pandered to and are lazy. They will kick back massively when you start to demand they do jobs but hold your line.

I don’t think you should reward them financially for doing basic jobs - they need to learn that they everyone pulls together in the house.

I would start by setting one job for them each a week and build up from there. Child A sets the table each evening and child B loads the dishwasher for example.

When they push back, take the WiFi from them, refuse to take them to places where they want to go etc.

Good luck, OP. You’re equipping your DC with the skills they will need for life.

I disagree with cash incentives for basic things as for me that’s a given such as picking up after yourself, putting your own rubbish in the bin, clearing your place after dinner etc. It is just rude and disrespectful to expect that someone else would have to do this for you and sends the wrong message that you will only do these things if you are paid to.

Stop doing things for them and formalise their chores

Love this mantra

I was in the same boat, and found with quite a few chores it has been more effective to initially do the chores together with them. Felt less like a punishment and more like a normal part of everyday life. Didn’t take long for me to be able to reduce my input, and then leave them to it. Doesn’t always work quite that smoothly but I actually think it takes less time overall than the endless nagging and arguing approach (also tried that, exhausting). I’ve not yet cracked laundry in laundry basket so might try some of the suggestions on this thread.

It's really interesting that you are responding in this way to direct criticism.

iPad/TV time isn’t given until their set jobs for the day are done. Simple.

When you’re all sat round the table eating you say “everybody put your things in the dishwasher.”

You see rubbish on the floor, you tell them there and then to put it in the bin. Any fuss, you take away what they’re doing. Phones, tv, iPads.

They ask you for something, a lift somewhere, a treat, some money, you ask them how tidy their bedroom is or if they’ve done XYZ that you asked them to do.

These small humans need you to survive in life so use that to your advantage.

I don’t understand the thinking behind it, asking for clarification as to me it’s quite the reach.

It will take persistence but you do need to pull them up every time.

Rather than give cash incentives, I would give them more responsibility.

For example - the 11 year old - make it her job to unload the dishwasher and put everything away everyday. Before she has a snack or watches TV.

The 8 year old could bring all the laundry down to the washing machine, including picking up anything left on the floor.

Plus of course keeping their own rooms tidy.

I'd develop a family policy of jobs done first - then relax/play.

I think you need to lower your expectations. My kids have always been expected to tidy up after themselves and at 13 and 11 I still have to regularly remind them! I’ve just had to call DS down to put the apple juice back in the fridge.

I would try and simplify your requests of them. After dinner ask them to clear the table and do it with them. You can back away overtime, my friend asks her kids if everyone can put away 3 / 5 things etc as that works for them. They also have a one chore a day rule…

Before bed time I’d include five minutes in bed time routine where they get sorted. Dirty clothes in the wash, clean clothes you will wear again on the back of your chair or whatever system you want to follow. Again do it with them until they are able. My DD is ND and I had to help her find a system. We had a priority list; clothes away / wash. pick five things up and put them away…

it’s good you are teaching them better habits. But remember you are changing a long ingrained norm for them and it will take time. Re: apple juice, I am cooking tea you can wait or do it yourself!

Sit down and have a conversation of what your expectations will be so everyone is clear (even if don’t agree). If you need to write it down so they can almost can tick off then do so then they can be independent with this and knowing what you need them to do. And be specific - not just tidy room but your bed needs to be made, toys picked up off floor, any rubbish in the bin so you are not setting them up to fail. Then you put in consequences - no screen time / you can’t go out until you have done it / internet gets switched off / that thing you wanted as a treat, not until you have seen some positive changes. Equally natural consequences - your clothes aren’t put in the basket, guess what your clothes don’t get washed so what are you going to wear? etc. Personally I don’t agree with chores being linked with pocket money, you help out around the house because you are part of it and live here too and make a mess as well, not because you get paid to. Equally challenge them on it every time. However frustrating it is, consistency is key, don’t make their life easy to just sit back and do nothing.

Some really good suggestions from other posters so l'm sure you can sort something out.

A single friend of mine. Once suggested to another friend of mine with 3 lazy over indulged kids and always moaning about them

That she should consider either putting them up for adoption or threaten to sell their body parts.

What do you think?

Weekly chores chart to earn a treat that they really want. Instead of just giving pocket money, a Job book so that each job earns money that they can spend or save up to buy something they want - my two each bought playstations doing that.

Worked reasonably well, but not always. I do nb threatening (& following through partially) with putting anything on the floor in black bin bags - although not chucking stuff!

Also went on permanent strike with laundry & ironing after finding dirty clothes stuffed under duvets & in wardrobes etc - nagged alot re that. But the real kiss of death came when I found freshly washed & ironed clothes Id left on my youngest son's bed for him to put away, chucked back in the laundry basket..... after that I was done! They did all their own washing & ironing from that point onwards.....

It’s hard work non stop reminding but with two DS 18 & 21 I promise you it’s worth it.

@Thelostjewelsthe advice in your first comment was spot on, but Im astonished at you going on to tell OP to be kind because her children may be disabled (“have something else going on”) and while it’s too early to assess they could have deficit in executive functioning. There is absolutely no indication of this in the OP. Her children don’t pick up packaging/debris from getting snacks, clear the table or put their washing in a basket. My brother in law, who has profound learning disabilities, can do these things as he has learned to with positive reinforcement (took him years but they are his victories). If OPs child has the executive function to turn on an iPad she can put socks in a basket and take a plate to a sink. Comments like yours pathologise normal variation in development, personality, cognition.

@TheWatersofMarch
No.

Executive function is a wide range of issues encompassing a lot. Even ADHD means people can struggle with basic things.
The point is the age of the children we are dealing with ...they need to learn don't they.

That's the key here, needing to learn in a kind environment

Of course anyone can learn ,learn doesn't mean instant

And it sets really low standards for children with SEN, which trust me, does them no favours.

Well yes if you don't gently teach them various things.
But expecting every young child to just know and do these things because we nag them and we did it isn't helpful.

It's like giving an 18 year old some money and then being surprised when they blew it all on a night out.
Because there was zero background of money management etc saving , growing money.

I'm trying to think how I started with mine.
They had to help tidy toys away from toddlers.
Clothes in washing basket fairly young. Then I would take piles up and they'd put away. Now mid and early teens, they put washing out/ in, sort their own and take their own.
Both change beds. Can cook. Hoover when asked. Put bins/ recycling out. Deal with own rooms. They do more than some and less than others. But I'm happy with it.

They have become better at bringing plates and cutlery out of rooms.

If i find their rubbish in the house, I drop in back in their rooms. This works well on one, but not the other, who would live in shit if he could.

I've never used bribes or reward. I've tended to just not accept any non compliance: this is how it is. So do it. I can also be unpredictable in my reactions, so that tends to help.

I have threatened to give up work on occasion- if you want me to be your maid, fine; but we'll have to sell the house/ no holidays etc.

I've also reminded them that I'm training them to be decent housemates one day. And we are a team. And that we do stuff for the good of us all.