If one of your children was a fussy eater and is now grown up…..

[PenelopeSkye]

…or indeed, if you were a fussy eater as a child, would you be able to share how things panned out? Was there anything that helped or didn’t help?

I have been struggling for about 5 years now with DD, who is now 8. Sometimes I think- just stick with the no pressure, offering different things etc and she’ll get there- but at other times I think- she is missing out on so much good nutrition, I need to do more! But then, I really don’t know what, as if I did I do it!! She has 2 younger siblings who eat a good variety of food, and as a family we eat healthily overall (with treats thrown in), and I don’t make a big deal of her eating. But she’s just dropped another ‘safe’ food and I’m wondering if I should maybe seek some professional help. Any thoughts much appreciated!

Both were fussy. Youngest wouldn’t eat “mixed up things” (lasagne, curries, etc) til mid/late teens. At 30 and 22 now, they’re both accomplished, adventurous cooks (female and male). Our 5 year old grandchild will eat or at least try anything.

I’ve also developed strategies to handle food that can make me retch. For example cutting up lettuce leaves finely and drowning them in mayo will stop them tickling my gag reflex.

Smells used to be a big trigger for me as well. The smell of a spice commonly used in Indian food would make me physically sick and lose all appetite for the rest of the day. Now it just smells nice! 🤷‍♀️

I was an appallingly fussy eater as a child and my eldest was even worse, just shocking. As grown ups we are both keen cooks and eat absolutely everything. It was just a very gradual process in terms of trying new things for both of us.

I was an incredibly fussy eater as a child, this was in late 70s early 80s. When I was very young I remember arguments at dinner table as all I would eat was custard. My mum and dad then split up and mum was a single parent (totally unrelated to my eating). My mum went through phases when I was growing up where she took advice from other parents that I should be made to eat, and how they would not let their child leave the table until they’d ate meal, they would continue to serve same food up at each meal until it had been eaten etc, it just didn’t work with me, it used to make me physically heave and be sick if I’d been forced to eat something. As I got older I’ve got better and eat a wider variety although not as much as a typical person and certain textures would make me heave if I was forced to eat. My son was diagnosed autistic at 6 and his eating issues are far less than mine so with hindsight I am probably autistic too although I don’t feel the need to seek a diagnosis

I was a fussy eater as was dd. Both much better eaters now that we have grown up 😂

Dd used to not be able to eat food that was touching another food, no sauces and no colourful food.

she is much better now as used to live on dry pasta, cheese pizza, chicken goujons, chips and that was about it. Her diet is much more varied. She’s in her early 20s now.

DS1 sort of slowly got more into trying things, but a big breakthrough was when I started teaching him to cook simple things that he liked himself, it meant that he basically then had the freedom to say no thank you to trying whatever we were eating and he would sort himself out instead. This seems to have blossomed into him learning how to cook all kinds of things he likes.

My fussy eater was helped by an all inclusive holiday abroad. He loved choosing and trying different foods. We were stunned. He loved fritata, risotto, Etc.

Went to university learnt to cook, his Mexican food is sublime. He makes his own sushi from scratch. His Thai food is lovely.

The fussiest eaters I know aren’t autistic as adults, but they became very anorexic.

Both alive, thank God, at 50 and one had five kids.

DS was a very boring eater, meat and two veg, pasta etc. As an adult he is such a foodie and loves all food. I think the turning point was fancying girls and it being embarrassing to not eat salad.

However, DD would eat ANYTHING and now at 14 eats shite/really restrictively, hoping and praying she comes back round at some point

I’m really fussy hate loads of food and feel very stressed about food a lot of the time especially guilt trying to feed my two kids well - I’m not and I feel
dreadful about it and am trying so hard but it makes every day difficult

my sister also was (worse than me) and is totally fine now; vegetarian which has actually expanded her meals massively and she loves a wide range.

id try talking to your child about it and reading about Arfid. I have pretty disordered eating in lots of ways and being labelled ‘fussy’ made everything a lot easier as a kid but it’s often pretty hard now.

I was such a fussy eater as a child, some potato, ham, corned beef, breakfast cereal and sweets. Not much else. Remember so much struggles with dinners and trying to be force fed etc. nothing worked. When I got to teenage years began to eat more rubbish food, pizza, pasta etc. as I got older went to college I eventually expanded my horizons. I’m now vegetarian and eat pretty much everything except meat and fish and cucumbers because they are rotten. Other than that everything is good 😄

I believe my Dd now 33 had(s) Afrid but it wasn't a "thing" then, we eventually just let her eat what she liked and her meals were on a rotation, it was very frustrating though, she moved out and her eating got better I think she could eat at her own pace and experiment a bit with food her eating is fine now, she has things she still avoids but eats other things.

Op just let your dc eat what they feel safe eating add a bit of veg or salad to their plate and let them get on with it.

I would be very interested in a comparative international study of children in different environments: food plentiful and food sparse environments , and seeing the rate of selective eating in infancy in each.

I do genuinely believe food preferences are inborn. But on the other hand, I sincerely doubt children in food scarce environments have anything like the rate of fussiness that our kids do. I’m always mindful of my mum’s tales of fights between 5 siblings over the dish of potatoes. She missed out: she was bloody skinny as a result.

Or, twin studies - I bet these exist, if anyone can signpost to these I’d love to read them.

I wouldn’t eat vegetables, except potatoes. I ate fruit, and nobody made a big deal of it. When I was ten I tried petis pois at my grandmothers house, and liked them and from then on ate vegetables. Now vegetarian, since I was 20. My nephew would only eat the stalks of broccoli, and raw peppers.
Is this sort of thing a normal phase for a lot of children? I remember hearing that there is an evolutionary response to some few basic safe foods - not the same thing as ARFID or children with extreme restrictions?

I was told I was a fussy eater, but I don't think I was given the chance to try very much after I struggled with a few simpler foods (that I still can't tolerate). I also think my mother was a terrible cook. She'd boil all veg to oblivion and we only every really got offered chicken or fish.

I cook beautiful food, from scratch. Chinese, curry, marinara sauce from scratch. Dahl in array of varieties.

I still love a basic cheese sandwich... And I still can't stand slimy foods. But I can definitely find things to eat on a menu without asking for the 'english section'. If anything I get so excited for the options I get over faced and panic if there's too much to choose from.

Mine was largely a control thing (and still is to an extent). I didn't like not knowing what was in my food and not getting to decide, especially if I suspected it had things like onions hidden in it.

Could you try getting her to pick some recipes to make together centered around her safe foods? Then if there's something in the recipe that she doesn't like you can discuss why (texture, taste, etc) and amend accordingly. Even if she just eats cheesy pasta, making a mac&cheese or pasta bake from scratch with peas or pancetta or even just breadcrumbs might help her feel a bit more relaxed about it.

Appreciate its a lot of work so not an everyday thing but could do as an activity once a week/month and then she'll be able to cook meals for the family when she's older too (I found cooking for others made me try new things as I couldn't just serve them something plain).

I'm sure you don't mean to, but I'm afraid you are coming across as rather patronising.

You are talking to someone who experienced extreme aversion to many foods as a child, some of which I still struggle with eating all these decades later. I most definitely was not a 'fussy' eater. It wasn't fussiness, it was an eating disorder.

I'm not talking about strong food preferences, I'm talking about strong aversion.

When was the last time you put an ordinary food in your mouth and found it so revoltingly horrific and disgusting that you gagged and heaved, and then threw up?

This!

I was also “fussy”. For me it was certain smells that I couldn’t tolerate. I could not eat some foods - it wasn’t a choice, I wished I could eat what everyone else did. It made my life very difficult and caused huge anxiety. Going for tea with a friend was fraught with fear. Holidays, Sunday lunch, you name it. I received so much disapproval and so many stern words. I wanted to please (mainly my stepmum), but I absolutely could not eat some (many) foods.

I’m not sure when this changed - I think just gradually from maybe my teenage years. Now I eat almost everything.

I remember so clearly how awful the battles were around food, how guilty I felt and how sad I was. No one seemed to understand that I couldn’t help it and I would far rather have been like everyone else.

I have never tried to force or coerce my children to eat. I introduced them both to the same foods - one has always eaten and enjoyed all foods and the other is less adventurous. Fortunately, not as “fussy” as I was.

For those saying it's possible not to "pander" to children.

I had four children. I offered them pretty much the same variety of foods, cooked from scratch.

Three ended up with normal food preferences.

One ended up with ARFID.

Three of them are autistic, as I am myself. Only one has ARFID.

What a brilliant suggestion! Can entirely see how that would appeal.

Both DCs were very fussy as children. They are now young adults and not fussy.

When DC1 was going on a residential trip in year 5, I told them if they could learn to eat jacket potatoes and bake beans; they probably wouldn't go hungry. They did agree to try those 2 things and found they liked them!

I tried the same thing witb DC2 but they said they'd rather go hungry than eat something they don't like .over the years; DC2 has greatly improved.

DBro was a bit like a cat - ate the same thing for dinner every day, until he went off it and decided he never wanted to eat it again (usually when my mum had just bought a freezer full of whatever it was). Then moved onto the next thing and only ate that for six months. It wasn’t particularly bland food or problems with textures - quite happy to eat Thai curry every night for six months, but it had to be a specific brand.

Always a bit picky (vegetarian from toddlerhood because he hated the texture of meat). Real pickiness was triggered by OCD/my dad dying (he also has ADHD if that is relevant). My mum indulged it and didn’t make a big deal of it, but other stuff was always on offer. Strangely I don’t remember any issues with eating out.

Anyway, massive foodie now. Spends a fortune on food, cooks really elaborate meals. Still a vegetarian but eats pretty much everything except meat and fish. Improved in his late teens/early 20s.

All five were fussy, one probably has ARFID and still as a young adult has a very limited diet, though that is improving somewhat. The other four are adventurous eaters and good cooks.

What changed for them was spending more time in friends' homes as tweens and teens and realizing how good the food at home was by comparison.

I was a dreadful eater as a child! I didn't like fruit, vegetables, potatoes, and most types of meat at a time when pasta wasnt really a thing. (In my house anyway). It was a sensory thing I think, especially with veg, they way they felt in my mouth made me feel sick. I ended up in hospital as i became dangerously underweight and I feel it messed up my metabolism for life. I eat pretty much everything now, though my preference would be for beige, processed food if it wasnt so unhealthy, I still don't like vegetables but I eat them anyway. Eldest dd was very picky as a child and although she eats most things now, she favours beige, bland food. My ds ate everything as a child, but as an adult eats a very narrow range of food. My youngest ate everything as a child and still does.

Reading these replies reminds me of something: how sensitive I was to smells as a child! People’s houses smelled so strongly to me, sometimes it was overpowering. The worst were houses full of smoke/dog smell/meat cooking, but everyone’s house had a really distinct smell. I don’t find that so much as an adult.