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Original poster

How much money to give - daughter's wedding

82 replies

AlmostMOTB · 12/08/2025 12:03

I recently inherited £250K, I gave my daughter £10k prior to this towards the wedding costs but these have escalated and I know they have gone over budget - not their fault they had to change venue with 6 weeks to go.

Would you give what you originally planned to (I didn't think the funds would arrive before the wedding) which was £2k, or increase this to £5k or even more ie £10k.

They are careful with money, about to move house and want to try for a family asap as she has health issues which mean it likely won't happen naturally.

I want this money to last, am investing wisely so I can leave a large amount if not all as inheritance for my own children,

Its a gift from me alone if that has any bearing, sadly losing my husband is why I have this.

NOT a bragging post, this is life changing money for me at huge emotional cost.

OP posts:
Twoshoesnewshoes · 12/08/2025 15:20

Oh I think £5k? Sounds like a nice balance and would enable them to enjoy their honeymoon.

Dolliebobs · 12/08/2025 15:29

My mother in law inherited £650k 4 years ago. My husband or her grandchild hasn’t seen a penny. In fact, she disowned us because my husband asked why she wasn’t going to help out my Sister in law who was in a woman’s refuge with her kids when she got the money.

Chocolatecustardcreamsrule · 12/08/2025 15:33

I would advise to gift it after the wedding and not tell her so that she’s not expecting it. She might be a bit caught up in the whirlwind of the wedding at the minute and more likely to spend it on that whereas after the wedding it might set her up nicely for married life to put away for future things like IVF

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Weddings
MounjaroMounjaro · 12/08/2025 15:47

I'm really sorry you lost your husband. Flowers

In your situation I would give your child £5,000 for a wedding present. If they spend more on the wedding, it should come out of that. I'd also offer to fund a couple of rounds of IVF if that's what's needed. I'd put aside the same amount for the other two for wedding presents in the future.

You sound like a lovely mum. There's always a danger in being too generous, though. There will be times when it's much more appreciated, eg if you want to help fund a maternity leave, than now. I'd hold onto my money and I would certainly spend some of it on myself and on travelling, if that's what you're interested in.

LivingOnTheVeg · 12/08/2025 15:50

£10k+ is extortionate for a small casual affair! You say she’s great with money but spending that much on a wedding (where costs have spiralled - which she didn’t have to agree to) just before a move and TTC is a bit silly. You sound ever so kind OP and she’s lucky to have you, but I wouldn’t plough anymore money into her wedding when she’s had more than enough for a really lovely day.

MidnightPatrol · 12/08/2025 15:52

I think £10k is already a generous sum towards a wedding, if you think she will need IVF I’d be offering to pay for that separately (if you want to and can afford it).

Leaningtowerofpisa · 12/08/2025 15:54

That’s shocking advice. Do you actually know what £250 k actually buys you in terms of pension? Not very much at all. Your advice is very poor and detrimental to the OP and her long term future. Have you any idea how much poverty exists in the elderly? And especially single women who suffer gender related pay and pension gaps? The £250 k is a great result and it’s HER money first and foremost.

So £250 k does not go far. We don’t know much about the current age and other financial circumstances of the OP but the tone of her post suggests this is going to make a big difference and she is not bragging. We also don’t know how far away she is from state pension age and that alone will not suffice.

Remember, the brides mum owes her daughter nothing at all. The ops financial responsibility to her daughter stopped at 18. The first priority the op has is to herself. Especially losing her husband. She aims in future to leave inheritance however the key responsibility she needs now is to invest that money wisely to further grow the capital if she has say another 20/30 years left and speak to a financial / pensions advisor - try WISE for free advice and don’t settle for any scheme until you have all of the options and understanding.

As for the wedding, the daughter should be living and budgeting within her means and that includes her wedding. That’s a good skill for the future. Presumably she has a working partner who is also sharing the costs. It’s not the ops responsibility to bale them out when things go wrong. What if the OP subsequently has a health problem and needs private healthcare urgently herself as the nhs waiting lists are so long? What if her overall health changes and limits her ability to stay working ( assuming she is). OP please think ahead £250 k is a very minimal amount for a comfortable retirement. You need to carefully prioritise this money. Do not let guilt / feelings of unnecessary obligation drive your decision making

MaidOfSteel · 12/08/2025 15:56

It sounds like your daughter and her fiancé have bitten off more than they could chew. That’s a lot happening in such a short space of time; wedding, honeymoon, house move and trying for a baby.
In your shoes, I wouldn’t give any more for the wedding but I’d keep some back in case IVF is needed and it can’t be provided on the NHS.
You’re only 56, OP. Hopefully you have another 30 or more years ahead of you, and you are wise to make sure you will be well funded.

Original poster
AlmostMOTB · 12/08/2025 16:05

Thanks again some really measured advice here. I have a great financial advisor who has told me what to do with it in the short term to make the most of it.

im going to give them £5k as a wedding gift.

they’ve not asked for more for the wedding - that’s my choice if I were to do that and its not lavish, her dress was £600, there are around 60 people - but city weddings come at a cost, there are no extravagant touches at all, I’ve had to remind her several times that it’s not just a party for them and their friends and family BUT a £6k minimum spend at a venue is pretty average and they negotiated on that as it was such a last minute change. They’ve saved and spent wisely which is the reason I’d be happy to top up the 1-1.5k extra it’s costing, not that she’s accepted or asked for it.

I’ll happily help with IVF - at the moment they’re saying they wouldn’t go down that route but who knows when ttc naturally fails…lots of us know how that feels. I had 9 mc to get my 3 children if IVF would have helped I’d have done it!

I will look at all avenues but thanks to all for their views.

i Wish my husband had changed his will from when we first married and he left everything to me as then they would have inheritance directly from him - feels like that would have been easier!

OP posts:
Hb7x3 · 12/08/2025 16:06

I think 2k is more than enough for a wedding gift, especially since you've already given them money towards it.

Blank1234 · 12/08/2025 16:10

Firstly, sorry for the loss of your husband 💐
No one can tell you what to do OP. This is your money, do what feels right for you. You sound generous, equal and level headed. Your children are lucky to have such a wonderful mum by the sounds of it ❤️

TheStateofRoads · 12/08/2025 16:13

Wedding gifts that fall within the HMRC allowances are tax-free, but covering large wedding expenses outside of these allowances may still be considered a potentially exempt transfer (PET).

It's not actually a huge amount if you're going to fritter it away on sudden wedding changes.

Clockforce · 12/08/2025 16:21

Would paying for a wedding be considered a gift?

It's not that long ago that it would have been considered a cultural norm that the bride's parents paid, and in many circles still is, so Op is might only be considered to be spending her money, rather than gifting it?

Noodles1234 · 12/08/2025 16:27

Ok, so you’re fairly comfortable, but you also have 2 other children to consider as to be equal to them.

I would stay with the £2k for wedding or as close as. I would prioritise IVF especially if medical issues I am guessing time will be a priority so this will avoid the whole saving up situation, and IVF does not always work first time.
wish you a fabulous retirement.

Inyournewdress · 12/08/2025 16:28

I think that if you are keen and able to help them, at this stage I would be thinking about keeping the powder dry for future financial support with IVF or with extra postnatal help if needed. I think you are absolutely right that saying they wouldn’t do IVF now doesn’t mean that much. Anything could happen and they may feel very differently, plus even if they get NHS cycles they may need more cycles or more flexibility on timing than the NHS can offer.

Viviennemary · 12/08/2025 16:44

If I was fairly comfortably off with no debt I'd give £10k. You can give bigger gifts for weddings without incurring tax penalties on gifts. Afaik

its5oclocksomewheresurely · 12/08/2025 16:56

Excellent pension
Two houses owned outright
£250k (minimum) in the Bank

At 56 you have way more than most. Personally, I'd gift all 3 kids about £20-£30k at this point. You seem to be agonising over the minutiae (£2k or £5k?) when you can easily afford way much more. I just don't get it?

Also you keep saying that you didn't think you'd get the £250k this soon - that's immaterial - you knew it was coming and could easily have paid for wedding stuff on a card until the cash came through.

sonjadog · 12/08/2025 17:01

Give them 7k. It doesn't have to be 5k or 10k. Meet in the middle.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 12/08/2025 17:09

I’d pay for the additional wedding costs and give them a £5k gift (to fall within the tax rules), making sure you keep the same aside for your other kids if/when the time comes.

Once again I’m astounded at how fucking miserly and miserable some people on mumsnet are. I can’t imagine having so much spare money and not passing any down to my kid who is financially stressed and has just lost her father figure. No wonder some people are low contact with their families.

Manthide · 12/08/2025 17:15

AlmostMOTB · 12/08/2025 16:05

Thanks again some really measured advice here. I have a great financial advisor who has told me what to do with it in the short term to make the most of it.

im going to give them £5k as a wedding gift.

they’ve not asked for more for the wedding - that’s my choice if I were to do that and its not lavish, her dress was £600, there are around 60 people - but city weddings come at a cost, there are no extravagant touches at all, I’ve had to remind her several times that it’s not just a party for them and their friends and family BUT a £6k minimum spend at a venue is pretty average and they negotiated on that as it was such a last minute change. They’ve saved and spent wisely which is the reason I’d be happy to top up the 1-1.5k extra it’s costing, not that she’s accepted or asked for it.

I’ll happily help with IVF - at the moment they’re saying they wouldn’t go down that route but who knows when ttc naturally fails…lots of us know how that feels. I had 9 mc to get my 3 children if IVF would have helped I’d have done it!

I will look at all avenues but thanks to all for their views.

i Wish my husband had changed his will from when we first married and he left everything to me as then they would have inheritance directly from him - feels like that would have been easier!

If you are the only beneficiary you can make a variation of a will. Db died last year and for various reasons it was decided he'd leave his small estate to our parents. They have decided to give me half (which I am slightly disappointed in as they are in their 80s, have a good pension etc and db would have left it all to me but he was worried about my exdh. He died a week after it was signed (db not exdh).

Original poster
AlmostMOTB · 12/08/2025 18:20

its5oclocksomewheresurely · 12/08/2025 16:56

Excellent pension
Two houses owned outright
£250k (minimum) in the Bank

At 56 you have way more than most. Personally, I'd gift all 3 kids about £20-£30k at this point. You seem to be agonising over the minutiae (£2k or £5k?) when you can easily afford way much more. I just don't get it?

Also you keep saying that you didn't think you'd get the £250k this soon - that's immaterial - you knew it was coming and could easily have paid for wedding stuff on a card until the cash came through.

I have way more than most because my husband died very suddenly. I had no idea how much money was coming or when as it was all tied up in his personal investments that I didn’t get involved in. His insurance paid the mortgages off on our family home and the one we had before this that we rent out to a family member and have done for 15+ years with no increase in rent as it covered the mortgage

i anticipated I would be retiring with my husband and enjoying that retirement with our pensions and savings. Which were meagre tbh. I don’t consider myself lucky, I’d rather he was here. But I’ve got some very good advice so I am glad I asked.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlmostMOTB · 12/08/2025 18:20

its5oclocksomewheresurely · 12/08/2025 16:56

Excellent pension
Two houses owned outright
£250k (minimum) in the Bank

At 56 you have way more than most. Personally, I'd gift all 3 kids about £20-£30k at this point. You seem to be agonising over the minutiae (£2k or £5k?) when you can easily afford way much more. I just don't get it?

Also you keep saying that you didn't think you'd get the £250k this soon - that's immaterial - you knew it was coming and could easily have paid for wedding stuff on a card until the cash came through.

I have way more than most because my husband died very suddenly. I had no idea how much money was coming or when as it was all tied up in his personal investments that I didn’t get involved in. His insurance paid the mortgages off on our family home and the one we had before this that we rent out to a family member and have done for 15+ years with no increase in rent as it covered the mortgage

i anticipated I would be retiring with my husband and enjoying that retirement with our pensions and savings. Which were meagre tbh. I don’t consider myself lucky, I’d rather he was here. But I’ve got some very good advice so I am glad I asked.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 12/08/2025 18:22

quickncncncnc · 12/08/2025 12:14

I would always give while alive rather than waiting for them to inherit. They could make so much better use of it!

This absolutely! Help your DD have her dream wedding

Inyournewdress · 12/08/2025 19:12

I am not a million miles from 50 and I own no property, have no pension, and nothing like hundreds of thousands of savings. I know you’d give it all up in a heartbeat OP to have your DH back with you. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my father young and he had left us well protected with life insurance, it makes a big difference to have that security in times of crisis…but no one ever wants to be in that situation.

Yellowstonemaddnesa · 12/08/2025 19:22

Gosh 10 grand isn't a small relaxed affair that's a big wedding !! I think your giving loads and loads I really do unless your absolutly rolling in it

Of course it's lovely to see DC spend money whilst we are alive but I'd reign in after this splurge.
Let's say you had GC with special needs our state system struggles to cope with the most basic sen that money can can pay for tutors or private school. They may buy a house and it's too small but get trapped for some reason ,that money is an extension.

With three dc you could end up with loads of GC.
Etc etc.