How much money to give - daughter's wedding

[AlmostMOTB]

I recently inherited £250K, I gave my daughter £10k prior to this towards the wedding costs but these have escalated and I know they have gone over budget - not their fault they had to change venue with 6 weeks to go.

Would you give what you originally planned to (I didn't think the funds would arrive before the wedding) which was £2k, or increase this to £5k or even more ie £10k.

They are careful with money, about to move house and want to try for a family asap as she has health issues which mean it likely won't happen naturally.

I want this money to last, am investing wisely so I can leave a large amount if not all as inheritance for my own children,

Its a gift from me alone if that has any bearing, sadly losing my husband is why I have this.

NOT a bragging post, this is life changing money for me at huge emotional cost.

IMO what you give to one you should really give to the others if you are into treating your kids equally which most people are.

So if you are giving one 10K you actually are down for 30K in total.

No, I wouldn’t give more to the wedding which has already spiralled out of their budget.

After the wedding you could gift them a set amount for them to pay towards their mortgage.

Op assuming your own costs are covered well into your future I think it's interesting to be worrying between gifting £2k or £5k which are 0.8% and 2% of the whole pot respectively.

My family have a phrase that it's better to give with warm hands than cold. It's a summer which could have a big impact on the couple but barely any on you. Give them £5k.

I gave my daughter £10k prior to this towards the wedding costs but these have escalated and I know they have gone over budget - not their fault they had to change venue with 6 weeks to go.

I wouldn’t give more to the wedding, they’ve already had a decent amount, they had to change wedding venues which may not of been there fault however they should of picked another one which was still in their budget.

My parents gave me money towards my wedding so I didn't expect a wedding gift, the money towards it was the gift. Don't forget that what you give your daughter you should give the other two equally e.g wedding costs, big money gift, IVF support etc

If OP is relying on £250K for her retirement income, it is not a huge sum. It is easier to face retirement if you're not having to scrimp. It is easy to fritter money away with little to show for it. That includes paying for expensive weddings. I think £10k towards a wedding is very generous. My husband and I paid for our entire wedding ourselves.

It is correct, in what world will a tenner go far?

I would gift the extra £5,000 if it didn't negatively impact my finances. So they're cleared of wedding debt.

You have a massive pension and 2 houses...
The 250 is just more "fat in the plan"
You dont need it in any meaningful way

I'd probably give my dd an extra £20k and I wouldnt begrudge it. Id be happy i could take the stress away...

You say yourself she's responsible/ good with money. It sounds like your are close and like she isnt spoilt / expects it. The whole "i want to invest it so its a legacy!" I get but also dont get... I'm 40 think i got a bad deal but then i see my younger siblings and BILs / SILs and they are really screwed financially due to societal inequality. She needsl financial help now not a million pound inheritance when she's 65+

Sorry for your loss.
You've already given DD £10,000 plus more already! I agree that you should be saving the same (if not more for inflation) for your other 2 children to be fair.

DH's siblings are half and step siblings. They were both given lavish weddings, paid for by his mum and step dad. This was years ago, but each cost £20,000 and included honeymoon airfares etc. We married 5yrs later with no financial help at all. We were sent a cheque for £4,000 but asked not to cash it as they couldn't afford it. A week later, they took my SIL, BIL and all their children to disneyland! Please don't allow such blatant disparity in your family.

Agree on giving early if possible. I know we will get sizeable amount of inheritance at some point, but the truth is that had we received 5% of that sum 10 years ago we would have been in totally different position financially now.

I’d not give any more to a wedding - but I don’t value any day to be worth more than £10,20,30 thousand pounds. I would help with IVF though as this is something out of their hands and would mean the world to them.
If I were your daughter I’d just make cut backs on the day instead of spending more money

this is a really sensible approach @AlmostMOTB

I think it all depends on what you need it for, if it's literally to save as inheritance then give away as much as possible because it's more use now than later. My mum struggled when we were little, not dangerously, but 2nd hand toys at Christmas and no holidays, my granny died and left her a 7 figure sum, by which point they were fine and didn't really need it, they'd scrimped and saved when we were little but by this point we had left home, they also paid mega loads of inheritance tax (depending on the value of your home you may need to consider this too). They weren't angry, as such, but they did feel how sad it was and what my brother and I missed out on as kids, as a result they have been very generous to me and my young family whilst we are younger. I'd log carefully what gets gifted to who, and inform your children that either you will gift equal amounts or it comes off the will/inheritance in the future - you then stop any bickering or drama, or anyone asking for further funds later on to make it "fair".
However, if you want to pay off your mortgage, secure your retirement and travel then do that, its definitely important not to leave yourself badly off or struggling in any way, and its your time to enjoy life. I think you know what will bring yourself (and your sadly passed DH) joy, and I suspect going abroad whilst your dd struggles with debt or panics over her wedding won't bring a lot of happiness to you but equally, giving lots away and seeing it spent on an expensive wedding day whilst you stretch your funds day to day will also not bring happiness. My mum always said a wedding was one day, but was much happier investing money in a house for us that'd last a lifetime and likely grow in value. Sit down with a spreadsheet and maybe budget and plan exactly where you want the money to go for yourself, then see what's left and what feels comfortable to you to gift.

£10k for a small and intimate wedding sounds way overboard! I think you’ve already done plenty as MOB, above and beyond and I’m sure it’s appreciated. I like the idea others have suggested saving the money for helping with IVF if needed 🩷

I wouldn't give a penny towards a wedding. House yes. Children of course. But not a party that is over in a day. If they want to play princesses and enjoy themselves, they should fund it, otherwise it costs just a couple of hundred to just get the paper in order to 'be married'.

I’d give the money. Life is too short and if you have the means to help her and help this wedding go smoothly and be something for you all to thoroughly enjoy and remember forever, if it was me I would do this

Blimey .., calm down, the OP has lost her husband, you don’t know her financial situation before you get over excited about how much money you think she should be giving!!

@AlmostMOTB I'm in the same position, knocking 60 with both parents in their 80s living their best life.

This.
You have to keep it scrupulously equal between all three DC.

I’d give all of your children some of the inheritance to use as they see fit but not more specifically for the wedding
You’ve already given a £10k gift for that.

personally if i didn’t need it, id give all 3 £5K to do what they wanted with

suggest you search; “how much £ can i give my daughter as wedding gift without either party paying tax uk”. & then work from there?
hope your family have a lovely day ☺️.

Yes exactly this! it should be equal or the 2 (younger?) kids will just feel left out. & it's all very well saying they can be given more out of a future will/inheritance when the time comes but that doesn't always happen without writing different complicated clauses into a will etc. Just make it equal now. you don't know what the future holds. I inherited a similar amount 4 years ago and myself and DH are using it on our DC uni education or investing it etc/paying off mortgage. I haven't given any lump sums to our 2 DC. I want them to learn the value of budgeting/saving and spending wisely.

I didn’t say I had a massive pension, it’s a good pension and I’ve paid into this for 36 years. So yes it’s good and I can have it when I am 60.

There is no disparity. I have saved for the others what I have given her.

I own two properties as the mortgages were covered by insurance of my husbands. Believe me I have never had spare money in my life, worked very hard for anything we’ve had, small monetary gifts along the way (1-2k) but nothing more and that was much appreciated and needed.

I am knowingly over generous and wanted some clarity and views of others that all.

It sounds like your dd is financially independent, and astute. She is not asking for money for her wedding.

I appreciate that you are asking about a wedding gift, but maybe think about uncoupling the money from the event. That way you are not 'paying for her wedding'. Plus you can be equal with all your dc, and give them equal amounts (not linked to any particular life events).

Re inheritance for your dc: I received money when my parents died. Grateful for that, of course, but by then I was in my 50's dc had left home, dh and I had pensions and on track to pay off our mortgage. There were so many times in my earlier life when £100 would have made the difference between sleeping well at night and chewing my fingernails off with worry. I wish my parents had gifted a little to me (and my siblings) earlier in life when it really would have made a difference.

I passed on a fair proportion of my inheritance to my dc - irrespective of their needs at the time. One was about to move to a bigger house and definitely needed the cash; another was giving up their job to study (a course that I didn't think was particulalry good); the other was in thier early 20s and there was a risk that they might just blow the lot. But, not my decision to earmark funds for specific 'mum-approved' projects or police how they spent it, and actually they have all been remarkably responsible.

At the very least, you can give £3,000 annually with no tax implications - that would be £1K each for your dc. If your money is invested the interest will be way more than that.