The pity of some wives towards single parents

[Augustus40]

I have been raising my ds single handed from age 5 months and he is now 20. He is a delightful person. Motivated hardworking owns his own car plenty of savings pays monthly housekeeping etc.

I met up with an old school friend last summer who has taken up early retirement and is extremely well off. Has been married since age 28 and we are now both 61.

I was a bit vexed about my variable modest earnings at the time as I am self employed. It came out in conversation that she said 'no father at home. My ds is far more successful than her youngest who is c 24 has been to private school and went to a top university. She has barely worked. 2 jobs 9 months each plus 2 phases of travel overseas. Sits at home living off the bank of mum and dad.

I was rundown in April and had sent her an email when she again commented in a pitying way 'no father at home.

Her husband worked abroad most of the 3 children's upbringing in a very prominent well known international organization. Her mum helped her 5 days a week so she could manage.

I just hate the condescending pity from wives who 90 % of them assume we cannot possibly manage and must be up against it the whole time!

I have never had any family support as my parents are dead plus no siblings. Ds fathers side have helped though

Her husband retired recently so I guess she notices how much easier her life is. Does anybody else find many a wife condescending and assume you cannot manage whereas single parents are generally much stronger as a person.

I have now cut contact. I stick to single women and single men as friends.

Would appreciate anybody's views.

I feel respect from my partnered up friends.
I did a great job with my dcs. Much better than I could have if there df remained in the family home. In fact the further away he is the better.

I sent her a curt reply asking her to no longer keep in touch. Yes she is very staid and old fashioned plus not at all streetwise. Worked in academia all her life. In a bubble.

I think the vast majority of married women assume we cannot possibly manage!

There’s a certain type of ‘smug married’.

‘Vast majority’ and ‘90%’ of wives, think one way? Yeah, no.

You have a shitty friend who makes herself feel better by patronising you. Most of us have friends who are single, divorced, widowed and married, with and without kids, by choice and not, muddling along all liking each other perfectly well and appreciating each others’ wins and struggles.

I agree with this. OP, you have quoted a particularly smug woman who you've just realised feels sorry for you. Because of this, you've lumped together a huge %age of the population and judged them. Most of us have a mixed friendship group (all of whom can struggle at times) and some of these have piss-poor OHs - I'd spend a bit of time thinking about them.

Is it pity or awe? Hard to tell when you don't say the context.

Maybe I’ve picked this up wrong but as most things are said about ourselves- is it not that could not envisage being able to cope alone and not really about you?

I've had comments that are rude about being a single mum. It's projection though and sometimes you have to bat the odd comment back! It will soon stop.

One thing I've noticed OP, all isn't what glistens.... they're married single mums too!.

I used to attend a Buddhist group for 11 years and they all used to pity single parents there too.

I have found since leaving London 17 years ago that many women are quite dependent and unable to cope on their own. Where are all the strong women! Of course you could also be an emotionally strong wife who treats single parents the same as anybody else but unluckily I have yet to find many.

What's a 'strong woman' as opposed to a woman?

Resilient emotionally.

YABU to generalize based on your experience of 1 person's behaviour. I know a single mum who drags home different men every month to live with her. Should I therefore conclude that all single mums are desperate for male companion?

Well aren’t you a delight - your ex friend must be delighted you’ve stopped contact.

I am married, my sister is a single mother, I have single mother friends. My mother was a single mother.

Most people do a striking job and raising pleasant children.

I do not compare their successes - they thrive in different ways.

I am proud of my children, my DN and my friends children.

We need all walks of life in the world.

Maybe get rid of that chip on your shoulder.

You sound a bit snobby yourself OP. Also I thought she had barely worked in her life but then has also worked in academia all her life?

Regardless you clearly don’t like her so sounds like cutting her off was a good move.

I think it's odd to end a friendship over one comment. As a pp says, it might be said in a respect kind of way, more awe than criticism. Only you know the tone I guess and whether it was designed to put you down.

One thing I have learned is that dc have ups and downs. Some thrive later than others. It isn't usually a reflection of our parenting. Maybe she doesn't need her dc to pay rent yet? Maybe her dc doesn't know what she wants to do yet? Why does it matter?

I think you have maybe overreacted and it's all a bit sad.

💯 this
commenting on her son as a failture is not nice. It is not a competition.

One time is one thing, but multiple times hearing the “no father at home” comment? I’d probably cut her off too.

Like many experiences in the world, single parenting is one of those that people won’t fully grasp unless it happens to them. Especially someone more conservative and fortunate enough to have lived in wealth.

I don’t think everyone is as horrid about it as her, though.

I find her too out of touch anyway. I hadn't seen her in over 17 years as we live far away. It really is no loss.

Thank you everyone for your feedback. I won't comment on this thread any further.

Perfectly said. You and your friend @Augustus40 must be quite similar with your closed minded view of the world... 'All x is good all y is bad'.

I'm sure she probably feels the same way.

One person’s opinion doesn’t equal all women. The fact you are single despite your child being grown says more about your life choices than being a strong woman - you choose to live alone, not sure if you have relationships, that’s your choice and isn’t mine. I wonder if your reaction is overcompensating because you know you are lonely? Bringing your child up alone to be successful is a good thing but you have the reverse smugness in your post. How about we live how we want and don’t project onto others!

There are so many variables to being a single parent. I am raising two children on my own and have been since their birth with little family support.
I’ve experienced some judgement from my grandmother mainly. Otherwise, the community I live in and my friendship circle seem very understanding. There will always be people who don’t truly understand what it’s like until they experience it of course but isn’t that the case with everything - not just single parenting.
My female friends are strong and keeping their households running - even if they are married (mostly to alcoholic, unemployment, absent and some pretty useless husbands). I’m not envious of their lives and I don’t feel they pity me.

You think this on the basis of one ex-friend's prejudice?