The pity of some wives towards single parents

[Augustus40]

I have been raising my ds single handed from age 5 months and he is now 20. He is a delightful person. Motivated hardworking owns his own car plenty of savings pays monthly housekeeping etc.

I met up with an old school friend last summer who has taken up early retirement and is extremely well off. Has been married since age 28 and we are now both 61.

I was a bit vexed about my variable modest earnings at the time as I am self employed. It came out in conversation that she said 'no father at home. My ds is far more successful than her youngest who is c 24 has been to private school and went to a top university. She has barely worked. 2 jobs 9 months each plus 2 phases of travel overseas. Sits at home living off the bank of mum and dad.

I was rundown in April and had sent her an email when she again commented in a pitying way 'no father at home.

Her husband worked abroad most of the 3 children's upbringing in a very prominent well known international organization. Her mum helped her 5 days a week so she could manage.

I just hate the condescending pity from wives who 90 % of them assume we cannot possibly manage and must be up against it the whole time!

I have never had any family support as my parents are dead plus no siblings. Ds fathers side have helped though

Her husband retired recently so I guess she notices how much easier her life is. Does anybody else find many a wife condescending and assume you cannot manage whereas single parents are generally much stronger as a person.

I have now cut contact. I stick to single women and single men as friends.

Would appreciate anybody's views.

Hmm this is an interesting one.

I grew up without a Dad. I watch my DH with our children and feel so happy for them that they have that positive additional relationship in their lives. I also watched my Mum struggle with 2 extremely disappointing (in different ways) ex-DHs herself. I wanted different, and have a fantastic DH.

I do therefore feel a sadness for anybody who is raising their children alone. I feel sad that they don’t have a decent other half to share the financial, practical and emotional load with, anyone to have a chat with who knows and loves their DCs as much as they do. I also greatly admire how much they are doing, they are doing what should be the job of 2 people.

Overall, your friend could just feel sad and wishes your life had been easier for you (in her perception) because she cares about you.

Well, on the contrary, I have just had a weekend alone with my son and I envy the simplicity of it just being the two of us! I know it's not the same, but I always think the worst part of cohabitation is the endless negotiation.

Which house do we buy, what colour paint, which wardrobe.

We did SPL and both compress hours yadda yadda, as equal as can be and my husband still drives me up the wall. The other day he sat there asking DS to come get his shoes on for 15m before going out. Whereas I ask him once then sit him in the pram and put them on there and go.

This weekend I have been out with him for hours by myself. It was wonderful. (I holiday by myself occasionally too, as does DH)

No pity from me, a little bit of envy!

Not my experience. I think a lot of my friends envied my single status at times. I was self sufficient. I never missed a night out because a partner had to work late or was in a grumpy mood - I relied on no one to "allow" me to do things. I had total control over holidays and days out. I could have their kids over for fun sleepovers without anyone complaining about noise or mess. In return, they were very generous as back up emergency childcare.

And I had every second Saturday "off". (Not really = that was catch up with chores day but in their heads I was luxuriating in a bath with candles and a book.....)

Even had one very happily married friend tell me she envied me having that exciting anticipation of a "first date"!

You’re coming across as quite odd and fixated with weird, gendered generalisations yourself, OP. I agree with @MrsTerryPratchett — one woman has remarked on you being a lone parent.

Far too big a generalisation. I have lots of married female friends and they are all wonderful. I'm a single parent, and the only comments I get are along the lines of 'you're doing a magnificent job on your own' (usually when I'm the one talking about how hard it is!).

You may have a point. However being autistic I prefer to live with just me and ds. I cannot live with too much noise interruptions and people around me. Ds does see his dad's side of the family fairly regularly too.

You come across as quite embittered and as though you don’t like or trust other women. Perhaps your friend is especially smug or pitying, but maybe she just wants to be friendly and understanding and just can’t find the words? It doesn’t sound as though you like her, and you sound as though you actually feel that you and your son are far superior to her and her daughter. They’re only in their early 20s. There is much more to their young lives than work, and much more ahead that really can’t be based on saying “she’s barely worked. 2 jobs 9 months each plus phase of travel overseas. Sits at home living off the bank of mum and dad.” So what? Maybe she’s depressed. Maybe she’s having a whale of a time and enjoying her life, and the stability of having her parents home to return to will set her up for a stable relationship, job, family life, etc when the time comes.

Your poor son. He is not “far superior” for having a job. I say this as someone whose single mum raised us in a poverty that is difficult for most people to conceive of, and it felt like I was surrounded by people with wealthy parents. I’ve done extremely well professionally, but it doesn’t make me “far superior” to anyone. I know my mum would have given me the opportunities that her friend gave her DD. I wish I could have stayed at home when a job or relationship situation was a nightmare. It feels miraculous that I also met my husband when I was so young, so we could grow together and my background wasn’t too destabilising. I do wonder whether perhaps you’re the one who feels “far superior” to your friend and things she should be pitying her own inadequacies whenever she talks to you? It sounds like you’re both doing your best under your own circumstances.

I’m sure your ex friend is as relieved as you are. This level of defensiveness must be exhausting.

I haven't encountered this, but I will say I don't think I would enjoy being married. I'm always hearing about husbands being annoying.

This married woman is in awe of lone parents. Bringing up kids is hard enough when there's two of you to wrangle them, and two salaries coming in. Doing it all by yourself is pretty damn awesome.

The thread reminds me though, of a friend of mine who, some years ago, was bringing up three small children on her own. On her relatively frequent visits to her dc's primary school (as you do with three of them close in age) she found that the receptionists were very snooty and curt with her and generally downright unhelpful. Until one day that is, when she'd had to go in to ask whether the school fund could pay for one of her dc's school trip as she couldn't really afford it. One of them made some snide remark about 'single mothers' and my friend lost it.
"I'm not a single mother," she said. "I'm a fucking WIDOW".

I think this is a you thing. You have zero confidence and are extremely anxious. I probably admire a single parent but I’d never pity them.

I think for you it’s more a case of overthinking and overcompensating as you’ve done in your post several times pointing out how you’ve got it all sorted, are resilient, strong etc.

This

It's a really weird comment, I don't entirely follow and I've read your op a few times.

Has she said "No father at home in response to your comments about lack of money? Or is it just entirely unsolicited and she just keeps saying it? Is she saying it about your son? To me "no father at home" sounds judgemental rather than pitying.

What? This makes no sense.

Every family is different. I grew up in a single parent household and it was great. I mean, there was some really dysfunctional stuff, but not because my mum was raising me by herself. It was much more dysfunctional when she and my dad lived together.

I have a friend who is split from her partner. They do 50/50 so she only sees her (4!) dc 3/4 days a week. And I’d say half the time, her parents have the dc, so some weeks she only has them 1-2 nights. Every time I turn around she’s off at a festival or in London for a gig or a girls weekend in Spain. Not everyone who is a single parent is struggling and it’s a silly assumption for your friend to make (and you too). Some single mums have very involved dads and oodles of family support.

You need to resond, gently. ‘Honestly, don’t pity me, my life is great’ or ‘I know being single is a bit weird for some people, but I think we’re beyond thinking women have to be married’. I have done that and people are quite open, it makes them think. You’re challenging the status quo, that is the main issue

Just my experience - I was a single Mum for many years, my child & I lost nothing from not having his 'father figure' around ( well, at first he would arrange to take our child out, then turn up hours late, often after being at the pub & expecting a 'grateful welcome' from both of us - (I cut him out of our lives when my child was just old enough to understand that 'dad' probably wouldn't turn up when arranged - so it didn't affect him, he didn't care - I was lucky to have family support though) - in time I wasn't invited to so called friends parties / dinners etc - once told 'it was in case I 'went' after others husbands - (how does one politely say - no way in 1000 years would I even want / settle for them' etc - let alone try to 'steal' a loser / cheater from my friends) - I have a lovely relationship with my child, he has never been in trouble, worked since leaving college, both way respect, I wouldn't change it for anything. (And now, so many divorces from those 'happy families' - no idea of the %'s ) - no, not being smug, just saying, pretty much, don't judge? My child isn't from a 'broken home', as our home life has never been broken. It was just a (very happy) single parent family. Hope that makes sense, sigh, its late xxxx.

Thanks everyone for your input.

I actually am very confident and ds and I get on great.

I have been married 3 times and much prefer my independence.

The two main challenges have always been modest income and zero family support.

I am at peace for getting rid of my school friend as I don't enjoy unequal friendships where one person feels higher than the other.

Don’t fall into the trap of running down other women to make yourself feel better @Augustus40, that’s exactly what you’re complaining this former friend did.

No it isn't that. My experience is that the majority of married women believe we cannot manage and pity us. If they treated me like a competent equal I wd have no issue with it.

Supposed friends should accept you and not see you as lower than them.

Not at all. I usually get ‘wow how do you do it’ more than anything else (I was widowed when my kids were 4 and 6). I don’t have any condescending looks or conversation. They are usually much more impressed that I’ve brought up to lovely, personable people. They often say they could never imagine doing it themselves- utter tosh because they would if they had to.
Surely the evidence is there for all to see: a productive healthy child. What’s to be pitied?

Well, you only had one kid and she had more. Its much harder with multiple kids. Your friend was trying to be understanding as she probably felt she couldnt have coped as a single parent. You sound quite judgemental and hard work.

'It came out in conversation that she said 'no father at home. My ds is far more successful than her youngest who is c 24 has been to private school and went to a top university. She has barely worked. 2 jobs 9 months each plus 2 phases of travel overseas. Sits at home living off the bank of mum and dad.'

Obviously she is envious of you for having a hard working son when she has a lazy, lay about daughter who she no doubt is embarrassed by. Trying to bring you down. We all know the types.

Irony, much?