Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

husband having surgery for bowel cancer tomorrow and we have a 6 week old

58 replies

GreenTees · 03/08/2025 21:59

reposting for traffic because i could do with a handhold

hi just need to write this down somewhere really, not sure if anyone will read but i just feel so alone

i’ve got 5 kids, my eldest is 17 (not DH’s, from before) then DS6, DD4, DS18mo and DD who’s just 6 weeks. the baby wasn’t planned, was a real shock tbh and with everything going on it’s been really full on. love her to bits but i’d be lying if i said it’s not been hard

DH has got bowel cancer and he’s going in for surgery tomorrow. he’s got to be at the hospital at 7am. i can’t sleep just thinking about it. they were hoping chemo would shrink it more but it hasn’t really done what they wanted, one area’s stayed the same and another might’ve got worse. they’ve said it’s still worth trying surgery so that’s what’s happening now.

it all started in feb when he had bleeding and stomach pain and just wasn’t himself. tests and scans and then the diagnosis. since then it’s just been hospital appointments and waiting and trying to hold everything together for the kids.

he’s only 39. i don’t think it’s sunk in properly for either of us really. he keeps saying he’s fine and trying to joke around but i know he’s scared. i’m scared too. i keep thinking what if the surgery doesn’t work. what if he doesn’t make it. and then i have to stop myself cos i can’t go there

eldest has been amazing. he’s been helping loads with the younger ones, making dinner some nights and putting them to bed when i’m busy with the baby or just need 10 mins to cry in the bathroom. i hate that i’m leaning on him but i don’t have a choice right now. he’s just finished college and should be out enjoying himself not stuck at home wiping bums and finding lost teddies

the baby’s still feeding loads and up constantly through the night. 18mo is cutting teeth again and just cries and throws everything, the 6yo is asking hard questions about daddy and if he’s going to die, and the 4yo won’t leave my side. i don’t blame her, i want to cling to someone too

house is a total mess, laundry piling up, no food in, and i just feel like i’m failing at everything. i keep getting told i’m doing amazing but they don’t see me in the early hours sobbing while trying to wind the baby. i feel like i’m just holding it all together with bits of string

i’ve got no clue how i’m gonna manage with all 5 on my own while he’s in. they said he might be in for a week or longer depending how it goes. i don’t drive so can’t even visit easily. no proper family nearby, his mum’s not well and my mum tries but she’s not up to much these days.

i’m rambling now. sorry. just so tired and scared and needed to say it out loud somewhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
GreenTees · 03/08/2025 21:59

we moved back to DH’s hometown last year so i don’t really have many proper friends here yet. people are nice enough and some mums at school say hi but it’s not like anyone i’d feel ok asking for help from really. his brother lives abroad and they aren’t close at all so not really involved. his mum’s still here but she’s got dementia. it hasn’t fully progressed yet but she lives at home with carers. DH told her about the cancer when he was first diagnosed but i don’t think she remembers. he’s close to her in his own way but she’s not in a place to really help with anything

my mum would help if she could but she works full time and she’s already got my sister’s kids living with her (long story) so she’s got her hands full. the one good thing about being here is DH’s best mate and his wife live nearby and they’ve been amazing. he’s the one taking DH to hospital tomorrow morning. i wish i could go with him but i don’t drive and someone has to be here with the DCs

i’m hoping to go in and see DH after the surgery once he’s out of recovery but i’ll have to bring the baby with me. thinking maybe i could take eldest too so he can watch her for 10 mins while i go on the ward, but then that feels a bit unfair on him. he’s only 17 and he’s already doing so much.

DH’s best mate’s wife is having the 6yo, 4yo and 18mo while i go. she’s lovely and said not to worry but i wouldn’t ask her to have the baby too especially with her still being breastfed. she’s never been away from me yet and still feeds a lot in the day

OP posts:
PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 03/08/2025 22:03

That sounds like a lot. And I think you are doing wonderfully.

one step in front of the other. And don’t forget to breathe.

nahthatsnotforme · 03/08/2025 22:08

It’s hard to imagine anything harder tbh. I’m sorry you don’t have more support but your eldest sounds great. Big hand hold from me

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old 1 year olds 17 years old 4 year olds
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 03/08/2025 22:09

Gosh hand hold for you OP. You ARE doing amazingly and it sounds bloody hard. Please keep talking here. Speedy recovery to your DH.

Errorandtrial · 03/08/2025 22:12

My heart goes out to you - wish I could help you. I've prayed for you and your DH.

madaboutpurple · 03/08/2025 22:13

I send my thoughts to you and your family, especially to your DH. I do hope things get sorted for you all. I send a virtual bouquet of flowers.

Ohthatsmeback · 03/08/2025 22:13

Oh that is so difficult for you OP.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I'm glad you at least have support from your DH 's friend and his lovely wife. And it sounds as though your oldest DD is rallying round.

First things first I hope the operation tomorrow is successful and that will give you a boost.

Sending you good wishes.

Btowngirl · 03/08/2025 22:17

Op, what a difficult situation for you all. I’m so sorry and sending a big hand hold for the coming weeks and months! I can’t imagine the stress you must be going through.

Seawolves · 03/08/2025 22:21

Lean on who you need to. My husband had a Whipple's procedure for cancer done during peak lockdown and I was unable to be with him when he came out of surgery so I understand some of the stresses. Visits were hard because we had a baby under 1 and a 2 year old so I had to lean on friends a lot to get visits in.

Has his nurse specialist put you in touch with any support groups?

I wish him and you well.

LemonPies · 03/08/2025 22:23

You have got two really good friends there and a lovely teenager. I’d just take the baby to the hospital. At least you won’t have to think about her then. She will be right there.

I hope everything goes well, you have a lot on your plate. I’d just take everything day by day. Do easy meals. Go to the park a lot, let the house slide.

LemonPies · 03/08/2025 22:25

Asking about support groups is a great idea. Also, speak to your health visitor.

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 03/08/2025 22:25

Are you in England? can you put in a referral for a carers assessment? Speak to macmillan nurses for advice on what support could be available. Speak to your health visitor too. Pull all the strings you can right now to get extra support in place for you and your family. Homestart could be a great option - you can self refer and they will arrange for you to be matched with a volunteer who will come in for a couple of hours once a week. They support up until your youngest turns 5 so could be a real help if you reach out now.

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 03/08/2025 22:27

check for any local carers charities - as they can also give advice and support. Your eldest could also be registered as a young carer which will boost the case for putting more support in place for the whole family.

Take care OP. This is a lot. These are for you 💐

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 03/08/2025 22:30

Ps. If self referral is too much right now, your HV should be able to help with referrals. In my experience, the HVs I've come across have always been happy to help if you let them know what help or support you need.

Ohnobackagain · 03/08/2025 22:37

Sending you a virtual hug @GreenTees we are thinking of you at this incredibly difficult time. Lean on DH’s friends, they sound great, as does your eldest. As another poster said, one foot in front of the other, and breathe xx

853ax · 03/08/2025 22:39

A lot going on take care.
Cancer support charities would be a good phone call to make they help so many people in variety of ways ( how to speak with kids, rest bite, therapist, me massage...)
Know of two people in 30's who have been thru surgery, chemo ECT and out other side cancer free.

mommybear1 · 03/08/2025 22:41

Handhold here OP sending love ❤️

BCBird · 03/08/2025 22:42

I really feel.for you all OP. Im sending you my best wishes.

Horses7 · 03/08/2025 22:45

Thinking of you.

mechanicalpencil · 03/08/2025 23:04

Sending strength to you OP 💐

Candleabra · 03/08/2025 23:07

God that’s a lot for anyone. Lean on anyone annd everyone you can, don’t be too proud to ask for help in real life. I would help anyone who was in a similar situation even if I didn’t know them that well. Sending all my good wishes for you husbands surgery tomorrow. Try and eat if you can (and sleep though thst must be difficult with such a young baby)

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/08/2025 23:08

Omg what a lot you are juggling. If you have any spare cash pls book a night nurse /maternity nurse for a few days or a babysitter for extra pair of hands and a cleaner

MickGeorge22 · 03/08/2025 23:10

I would be inclined in this situation to contact social services and see if they can offer you any help. I'm sure they have people who could help with the cleaning, housework etc or even a carers grant maybe so you could buy in some help? Don't be afraid to lean on your 17 year old, this will hopefully be short term and you just need to do what you have to to get through. I hope things go well for sh tomorrow.

mumofagirlie · 03/08/2025 23:11

Thinking of you and your husband and wishing him a speedy recovery from surgery.

Take each day as it comes and only think about the essentials. You are stronger than you think. Please look after yourself too.

Lacoutine · 03/08/2025 23:15

Goodness, that is a lot - I second asking Homestart for help (as well as social services). I volunteer with them and this is just the sort of thing we can help with. Minding children, driving people around, getting to grips with the house, or just listening to you.