husband having surgery for bowel cancer tomorrow and we have a 6 week old

[GreenTees]

reposting for traffic because i could do with a handhold

hi just need to write this down somewhere really, not sure if anyone will read but i just feel so alone

i’ve got 5 kids, my eldest is 17 (not DH’s, from before) then DS6, DD4, DS18mo and DD who’s just 6 weeks. the baby wasn’t planned, was a real shock tbh and with everything going on it’s been really full on. love her to bits but i’d be lying if i said it’s not been hard

DH has got bowel cancer and he’s going in for surgery tomorrow. he’s got to be at the hospital at 7am. i can’t sleep just thinking about it. they were hoping chemo would shrink it more but it hasn’t really done what they wanted, one area’s stayed the same and another might’ve got worse. they’ve said it’s still worth trying surgery so that’s what’s happening now.

it all started in feb when he had bleeding and stomach pain and just wasn’t himself. tests and scans and then the diagnosis. since then it’s just been hospital appointments and waiting and trying to hold everything together for the kids.

he’s only 39. i don’t think it’s sunk in properly for either of us really. he keeps saying he’s fine and trying to joke around but i know he’s scared. i’m scared too. i keep thinking what if the surgery doesn’t work. what if he doesn’t make it. and then i have to stop myself cos i can’t go there

eldest has been amazing. he’s been helping loads with the younger ones, making dinner some nights and putting them to bed when i’m busy with the baby or just need 10 mins to cry in the bathroom. i hate that i’m leaning on him but i don’t have a choice right now. he’s just finished college and should be out enjoying himself not stuck at home wiping bums and finding lost teddies

the baby’s still feeding loads and up constantly through the night. 18mo is cutting teeth again and just cries and throws everything, the 6yo is asking hard questions about daddy and if he’s going to die, and the 4yo won’t leave my side. i don’t blame her, i want to cling to someone too

house is a total mess, laundry piling up, no food in, and i just feel like i’m failing at everything. i keep getting told i’m doing amazing but they don’t see me in the early hours sobbing while trying to wind the baby. i feel like i’m just holding it all together with bits of string

i’ve got no clue how i’m gonna manage with all 5 on my own while he’s in. they said he might be in for a week or longer depending how it goes. i don’t drive so can’t even visit easily. no proper family nearby, his mum’s not well and my mum tries but she’s not up to much these days.

i’m rambling now. sorry. just so tired and scared and needed to say it out loud somewhere.

Gosh @GreenTees what a tough day for you all. Thank goodness he has made it through the surgery. He will have constant monitoring in HDU so he is in the best place.I’ve not much to add but keep pushing the what-ifs out of the way. Focus on what you can control - meal planning, kids’ clothes and activities, Make sure to ask questions when you next go in, if you can, rather than googling. In my experience, HDU staff are really good about explaining anything in a clear way and will be helpful. Keep going with the ‘one foot in front of the other, get through a day at a time’ mantra. We’re here for you!

The first hurdle is over and he's made it through complex surgery so that's great news. Hope you manage to get some sleep. You need to look after yourself before you can look after anyone else. Hopefully tomorrow will bring positive news and they will know exactly what he is up against and have a plan, he will be home soon

@GreenTeesI’m so sorry you are going through this, what an horrendous situation sending love to you and your family xx

Morning OP I just wanted to let you know that 8 years ago I was where you are. I didn’t have a baby - youngest was 7. We got through it you just do god knows how but you do. You sound like you’re doing an amazing job. Just take things one day ata time. Like everyone else has said accept all the offers of help.

My DH discharged himself after 1 night he was ok at home just mainly slept. Take care of yourself too. One thing I recall is feeling lonely even though I had people around me. Easy for me to say I know but very important when your dh comes home you’ll have him to look after and provide support too. Big hug to you.

Massive hand hold. You are going through one of the hardest things anyone has to deal with.

Lots of good advice about trying to get help and support (young carer support, homestart) but please ask your dh friends if they can research and organise this. You, understandably, don't have the headspace for this, they will have more and will want to help. Think about giving them your okay to go all in to this space and do whatever they can. Same with the school when things start back, think about speaking to them to see what they can access.

People will really want to help but I know it can feel hard in the thick of it to see what people might be able to help with and take that step to ask. Try to make some little moves into doing this.

Goodness you’re having a tough time. I think it’s often as tough for the people watching cancer as the people with it. You’re doing amazingly well.

is there a school WhatsApp group? Would you feel comfortable posting something there asking for help? I’d reply like a shot if this happened in our group, even for a parent I didn’t know. Even if you don’t want to ask directly, could you explain the situation and ask for recommendations for babysitters / cleaners etc? I’m pretty sure people will step up.

Your husband has done so well, and in the coming days things will become clearer.

For now, try to make 3 calls, even at 1/day, to the Health Visitor, Homestart, MacMillan. Give them the mental load of figuring out what help is available, and let them give you a list.

If you’re comfortable sharing where in the country you are, posters here may be able to sign post some services they know of. Certainly in my rural part of the world there are volunteers who’d take you to the hospital.

much love. You’re doing so, so well.

Hope you both had a good night and got some rest. Please do reach out to people, when my DH was ill people I didn’t really know stepped in and helped with the silly stuff (shopping, dog walking, fetching etc) which made all the difference.

Thinking about you and your husband. Hope he is recovering well.