husband having surgery for bowel cancer tomorrow and we have a 6 week old

[GreenTees]

reposting for traffic because i could do with a handhold

hi just need to write this down somewhere really, not sure if anyone will read but i just feel so alone

i’ve got 5 kids, my eldest is 17 (not DH’s, from before) then DS6, DD4, DS18mo and DD who’s just 6 weeks. the baby wasn’t planned, was a real shock tbh and with everything going on it’s been really full on. love her to bits but i’d be lying if i said it’s not been hard

DH has got bowel cancer and he’s going in for surgery tomorrow. he’s got to be at the hospital at 7am. i can’t sleep just thinking about it. they were hoping chemo would shrink it more but it hasn’t really done what they wanted, one area’s stayed the same and another might’ve got worse. they’ve said it’s still worth trying surgery so that’s what’s happening now.

it all started in feb when he had bleeding and stomach pain and just wasn’t himself. tests and scans and then the diagnosis. since then it’s just been hospital appointments and waiting and trying to hold everything together for the kids.

he’s only 39. i don’t think it’s sunk in properly for either of us really. he keeps saying he’s fine and trying to joke around but i know he’s scared. i’m scared too. i keep thinking what if the surgery doesn’t work. what if he doesn’t make it. and then i have to stop myself cos i can’t go there

eldest has been amazing. he’s been helping loads with the younger ones, making dinner some nights and putting them to bed when i’m busy with the baby or just need 10 mins to cry in the bathroom. i hate that i’m leaning on him but i don’t have a choice right now. he’s just finished college and should be out enjoying himself not stuck at home wiping bums and finding lost teddies

the baby’s still feeding loads and up constantly through the night. 18mo is cutting teeth again and just cries and throws everything, the 6yo is asking hard questions about daddy and if he’s going to die, and the 4yo won’t leave my side. i don’t blame her, i want to cling to someone too

house is a total mess, laundry piling up, no food in, and i just feel like i’m failing at everything. i keep getting told i’m doing amazing but they don’t see me in the early hours sobbing while trying to wind the baby. i feel like i’m just holding it all together with bits of string

i’ve got no clue how i’m gonna manage with all 5 on my own while he’s in. they said he might be in for a week or longer depending how it goes. i don’t drive so can’t even visit easily. no proper family nearby, his mum’s not well and my mum tries but she’s not up to much these days.

i’m rambling now. sorry. just so tired and scared and needed to say it out loud somewhere.

Leave the children at home with a friend/mum or your eldest. Take the baby in to visit tomorrow
McDonald's will do or pasta , tomato and cheese don't worry about that.
You have an awful lot on

I think if you did ask people some of them would rally round. Can you ask the parents of your child's school friends? I'm sure they'd be happy to take the DC after school a couple of days if it you gives you a break?

thanks everyone for the suggestions i really do appreciate it, someone else mentioned homestart to me before and i looked it up but never got round to actually ringing them. same with macmillan, they’ve sent leaflets and stuff and i know there’s people to talk to but i just haven’t had the headspace. i feel like all my energy goes into just getting through each day.

before the summer hols things felt kind of manageable? eldest was at college, 6yo in school and 4yo had nursery hours so the house was quieter and i could at least sit down with the baby or clean something. school were really good and understanding when DH started treatment. 6yo was seeing someone at school for play therapy and it’s helped loads, he’s more settled. i think they’re going to offer something for 4yo too when she starts reception in sept. back then i didn’t have to worry about them in the day if that makes sense, i knew they were safe and busy and not picking up on all the stress

now it’s just chaos. i feel so guilty we’re not doing anything fun. i scroll social media and see people at the beach or farms or whatever and we’ve just been stuck in the house. i need to do a food shop tomorrow at some point. was thinking maybe when i go to visit DH i could take eldest and he could sit with baby in the hospital cafe while i go up to see DH. i’m just scared if i bring her with me and they say no babies allowed then i’ve come all that way for nothing. at least if he’s with me i can see DH for a bit

DH’s been feeling really down about not spending time with the baby. he keeps saying she won’t know him and it breaks my heart. he wasn’t allowed at the birth cos of infection risk and tbh he wasn’t well enough anyway. his best mate’s wife came with me, even though we’re not close i didn’t want to be on my own and my mum couldn’t come. birth was really quick so she barely got there in time. DH hasn’t held the baby much, he did earlier when i passed her to him and she was calm in his arms but he gave her back after a few mins and said he felt too weak. he’s trying not to show how upset he is but i can see it

I had a friend in similar situation there was some fund and she was able to get. She used it for a nanny for a year with the money .
took the edge off. maybe ask McMillan or a I .

How about this as a plan for tomorrow.

Your head will be mush, and distracted.

So, phone home start and phone macmillan. Or, when you drop or pick up the kids - ask mates wife to.

(Or, message me your contact details and ill
do it for you to get the ball rolling).

You’ve clearly got this all under control. Everything is sorted, and organised. Dont best yourself up about leaning on eldest. Ask rather than assume, but also recognise that he’ll
be worried too and giving him constructive stuff to do that keeps him close to everyone else is actually probably helpful to him.

xx

@GreenTees ,I have absolutely no words of wisdom ! Sending my best wishes to you and your husband. Absolutely everything crossed for your husband tomorrow.
Definitely bring the baby with you when you visit. Your teenager sounds amazing.
Accept any help that is offered from anyone. Shall be thinking of you all tomorrow.🙏💐Xx

Definitely take the baby and 17yo tomorrow. Leaving baby with teen in a cafe or waiting area is fine if you want some uninterrupted time with DH. 17yo sounds fab. I am sure he will want to help.

i get what you mean about the school holidays. So much harder when you are feeling like the sole provider of everyone's fun and entertainment but honestly kids cope just fine with some downtime at home without constant outings.

I know referrals can be daunting so perhaps start by calling your HV and seeing if they can start referrals for you eg Homestart. But this can wait Sept if needed.

💐💐💐

Ooh the Health Visitor may also be able to give you codes for free places at summer holidays kids camps for the 6 (and possibly 4yo) if useful x

You have a lot on your plate OP.

Please ask the mums at the school gate to help, people are generally good. Oops I have just remembered it is the holidays but if you have contact details do ask.

Don't worry about asking your 17 year old to go with you, he is old enough to understand you need support.

Are you in a position to throw money at the problem? I'm thinking things like take away meals, hello fresh / Gusto sending laundry out to be done.

You ARE doing amazing, OP. I can't imagine how you're contending with all this and a 6 week old baby. It's fine to ask your eldest to go to hospital with you. He sounds like a great kid.

hope the operation goes well.

any parent from dc school whatsapp group? just to give you an afternoon?

is your 17yo up to helping with the household or one of their friends for a little pocket money?

After surgery your DH will be hooked up to a lot of equipment and will probably be sedated, so you may want to leave visiting him for a couple of days. I wish you both well. My father in law had stage 4 bowel cancer, had surgery with a colostomy bag temporarily, for 6 months, he was 65 and lived till his late 80’s. Look after yourself and your DC, your DH will get the care in hospital. My own DH was in hospital during lockdown for 15 days so I couldn’t visit, but we spoke a lot of the phone, it’s not the same, but it’s manageable.

If you moved back to DH’s hometown then can’t his parents help you? The four youngest are related to them. An adult should be supporting you, not a teenager.

Oh OP . Sending love and strength. Thanks goodness for DH best friend and his wife , they sound good eggs. What a brilliant mum you must be to have such a lovely helpful oldest son.

You have got this - lower your standards. If the children are safe lived with full tummies , that will be fine for a few weeks.
Simple food that takes minimal effort, let the TV be the babysitter , they can play in the garden.

Do video calls with DH if you can’t visit every day.

Don’t hesitate to ask for help - in general people want to help if they know someone needs help.

Bowel cancer has a much better prognosis than most cancers. Xxxxx

That’s a huge amount to delay with without 5 kids.

Don’t worry about how much 17yo is doing. He sounds like a gem and you’ve obviously raised him well and he wants to help you in return.

practically can you get a food delivery’s pass for a supermarket? Usually min order is £40 and you can set up a basic list you order each week and then add stuff. Then it can be delivered when needed and your 17yo can do an order too. Even if you need to add kids microwave meals for now and just heat them up daily.

also look at an air fryer and slow cooker. Easy to do simple meals (pasta bake/ fish fingers and chips).

Can you afford a cleaner for a while? There’s no shame in not having everything up to scratch as you’re overwhelmed with more important stuff atm. Same with washing - any services which collect and return it to you?

Other than that give yourself a break. Take each minute as it comes and remind yourself what a great job you are doing in a horrid situation. Allow yourself to cry if you need. Allow all the help offered. But also don’t be afraid to reach out to neighbours you don’t know so well - I know if I was your neighbour and found out you were going through this I’d be more than willing to help.

It says in the OP that DH's mum has dementia. Not everyone has parents who can help. I live in my hometown, but the only family I have here is my 95 year old aunt as both my parents have died. I don't have any family help with dc here.

Sending a handhold, and fingers crossed for a positive outcome for the surgery.

I didn’t see that part in OP’s second post. Her DH is 39 so his mum must only be in her 60s, which is young to have dementia. Will be difficult if OP and DH don’t live near family. All I can think of are holiday clubs for the 6 and 4 year olds.

I recall a colleague's wife had a baby around the same time we had a baby. he was only in his thirties. Shortly afterwards he was diagnosed with bowel cancer and had surgery and chemo. Our babies are now in their late twenties and he hasn't had a recurrence. His "baby" is now a naval officer. There are success stories.

Why do you assume that everyone has their babies in their twenties? If OP’s MIL gave birth to him at 40 she could just as easily be 79 now 🤷🏼‍♀️

Not going to be on your to do list right now but please please learn to drive as soon as possible. This will make your life immeasurably easier in the long term should your DP take a long time to recover/have relapses. (I pray not) but plan for the worst. Your DP drives so there is a car you can practice in. It will make such a difference to the level of independence you have to move your 4 very young children around whilst you have a poorly DP.

Bless you and your family. Take any help you can get and count your blessings for your son and husband's friend and his wife.
Hope all goes well and hubby is on the road to recovery soon

I'd consider this, but also you have a 17 year old who could learn.

Ive just read this so dh will already be at the hospital.
I hope it goes well.
Stay as strong as you can. Your eldest is being a marvel!
Good luck and wishing you all well

I’m so sorry you are in this position.

a few questions which might help people’s answers

how do you travel normally as a non driver? Is the bus service good by you?

do you claim any benefits now I presume your husband isn’t working?

I know it’s stressful but I think you need to prioritise certain tasks that will help in the long run such as Homestart and Macmillan. Making those phone calls will trigger more help coming. Are you entitled to any benefits? Your oldest sounds like they are being brilliant, make sure you thank them and as they are in summer break if you can afford it pay them some money to show you appreciate all the work they are doing. They can then at least have some money when seeing their friends.

can you contact and local baby bank/toddler groups/charities etc to see if any local DBS checked volunteers can help your family? I know if I was aware of someone local to me who was in your situation I would make time to help them.

also automate your life, you don’t need to go to the shops especially if you don’t drive, get an online shop delivered, a cleaner booked if you can afford it so at least you aren’t living in chaos at this difficult time

just wanted to update on how today went and say thanks again for all the kind replies yesterday

DH went down for surgery around lunchtime. it wasn’t straightforward in the end and there were a few complications so they’ve taken him to HDU for now. the surgeon said they managed to remove more than they thought they might be able to which is good but they had to be really careful around one area that looked worse than expected. he’s got a temporary stoma now to give things a chance to heal properly

i went in to see him late afternoon. he was mostly asleep and out of it but he opened his eyes for a few seconds when i sat down and said he was tired. he squeezed my hand a few times though and that meant everything. the kids gave me their little ‘worry bear’ to give him this morning before he left. it’s this small stuffed bear they cuddle when they’re scared and they said daddy could have it today so he didn’t feel alone. i put it next to him and i really hope he knew it was from them

his best mate told me earlier that on the way in DH kept talking about making sure he looked after us all if anything happened and how the younger two probably won’t even remember him if he doesn’t make it. hearing that properly broke me. i know he’s trying to be realistic but it’s just heartbreaking. he’s always been the strong one and seeing him scared is awful.

i’m just so relieved he made it through the op but now all the what ifs are swirling round in my head. what if it’s worse than they told us what if it doesn’t work what if this is just the beginning of something harder. trying not to go down that rabbit hole but it’s hard when he’s in HDU and not fully awake and i don’t know what’s going to happen next