Need a handhold, rubbish Dr appointment and rubbish evening. Rubbish life.

[ElleBelleLou]

I'm just feeling a bit sad and thought writing it down would help - I am feeling fragile (hormonal, tired, genuinely just upset - who knows but I've been in the bedroom in tears) so I think I need a little bit of kindness.

I have OCD and anxiety and have been on fluoxetine for around 18 months, and for the most part I am handling it really well. However, I cannot go in the car with my DP. I am sorry for how long this is, but I wanted to give backstory rather than drip feed;

With my OCD I have crippling emetophobia (fear of vomit / vomiting). I have had that issue since I was a child, but thought it was normal because who wants to be sick or be around sick - nobody. I've managed it pretty well throughout my life, I don't eat out, I wash my hands, I keep my distance from people who are potentially ill, I avoid nightclubs etc. I kind of just lived with it. But 2 years ago I was on the bus home from work when a woman 3 seats away from me projectile vomited everywhere - this caused a mental breakdown. I had a panic attack, was let off the bus and walked 2 miles home with shaky legs, hysterical and sobbing. I got home and my memory is hazy because this is when I was in crisis, but I was doing all sorts of 'routines' and actions that I felt would stop me catching a bug / vomiting myself - taking activated charcoal, washing every part of me, I am ashamed to say I rubbed inside my nose with hand sanitiser and poured myself a cup of diluted bleach to 'clean my insides'. My DP stepped in at this point and I went to bed exhausted. From this point I stopped eating as I was convinced the only reason I wasn't vomiting is because I was empty. I lost 2.5 stone and became severely underweight.

Eventually my DP forced me to the doctors, and this is when I was diagnosed with OCD and an eating disorder. I was put on fluoxetine, given a course of CBT and had to have fortnightly face to face appointments where I'd be weighed and my mental health reviewed to see whether I needed to be admitted anywhere. It was a really tough time in my life and I don't really have a full memory of everything.

During this time, on the way back home from a particularly difficult doctors appointment, my DP gagged in the car. Just one of those things - he'd eaten too much or something. But in my mental state, it took me straight back to the woman on the bus and I had an almighty panic attack - I really thought I was dying.

Following this, I have barely been in the car with him since. It must have been about 18 months now. I am fully aware of how ridiculous that sounds and I wish it wasn't my truth - I'm sat here now crying about it. When I am in a car, I feel claustrophobic and trapped in general, but with him it's like I am on edge waiting for him to gag or vomit and it culminates in a panic attack. It's a huge trigger for me and it's holding me (and realistically, us) back so much - it gets me so incredibly down I can't even really put it into words. We live together, we're trying to plan our wedding and I am so pathetic I cannot get into his car.

I finally went to the Doctors today for an appointment I've had booked for 6 weeks, to chat about this anxiety and the fact I cannot get in the car with him. It was also meant to be a bit of a general review of my OCD and medication but also to see what more I could do to hopefully improve and ultimately go back to normality with my DP. I needed help.

My appointment wasn't with my usual doctor but someone brand new. Someone who had clearly not looked at my medical history or had any knowledge of my diagnosis and medications. I explained my feelings and wondering what more options I have - unfortunately I started crying which I am frustrated about as maybe I couldn't explain myself as clearly as I had intended to.

The doctor just looked at me - whilst I am sat there in tears and asking for help - smirking. Didn't offer me a tissue from the box on his desk. Didn't acknowledge what I was saying. Didn't mention my OCD or my current medication. Just prescribed me sertraline and booked a telephone review in 2 weeks.

I've come out of the appointment feeling lost, and even more pathetic. I don't know what I was expecting, I think at this point I'm looking for a miracle.

I don't even know what I am posting this for or whether any of it makes sense. I just wish I could get in the car with my DP like a normal fucking human. I wish my brain wasn't broken. I wish I didn't have OCD. I wish I could function like a normal human. I am so, so exhausted of living like this every day. I'm so guilty for the impact on my DP, our relationship and our days. I feel pointless, I am a burden to him. I've had CBT therapy and it didn't help me one bit. I feel like I'm all out of options and I'm lost.

I feel for you. Could you request a follow up with your usual doctor? Is going private a possibility?

I'm going to call tomorrow and ask for my usual doctor. I feel like I'm being a pain as I maybe wasted today's appointment, but he knows he - he diagnosed me and he's worked with me since.

I'm not sure about the cost of private but I think it's definitely something to look into. I can't keep carrying on in this limbo

That sounds awful I'm so sorry. Two things - that smirk was quite possibly an uncomfortable smile of "oh shit I should have read her notes not sure what to do" rather than amusement at your predicament. Second thing is it sounds as though you would benefit from support to undertake some desensitisation / graded exposure re: the car and I would hope you might be in a position to be referred for psychological support again to help with this, but maybe this time more on your own terms.

Its sounds awful OP x

Does it happen when you drive and DH is in the car, or just when he drives?
I too would suggest trying to see your regular GP. I don't know the answer, but would an in-patient type private clinic help more than just meds? I don't mean a locked in unit, but an open type private one where patients often go home and return when they want.

@PurplePantsofPower that's a good point, maybe he was more bewildered - probably didn't expect me to sit down and just start sobbing. Neither was I to be fair! I've tried to implement some graded exposure myself with DP - literally baby steps like we sit on the car on the drive for an hour. Then the next day we drive to the end of the street and back. And so on until we're back to normal. It feels like it should be so simple but then something always comes up that I can use as an excuse to not start it - when really it's my anxiety that makes the excuses so easy to find. I let myself down so much 😞

@JDM625 Thank you. I don't drive unfortunately - I was having lessons pre-covid, cancelled due to covid, then we moved house and by the time I was at the top of the waiting list all this kicked off and it's been pushed to the back. We don't live rurally so I have public transport and my bike and we can walk a lot of places but I want to be able to go places with him again like we used to.

I did forget to add to my OP that they've also put a referral in to the mental health team for me. I'm not 100% sure what that entails but I am hoping maybe they will have some support (better than the CBT I had) to help me crack this and get my life back x

That sounds so tough. The OCD and emetophobia is seriously affecting your wellbeing. Could you see your GP and ask for a referral to a specialist? Failing that, could you find a private consultant. I do hope you find a way to get a handle on this.

@Loubylie I think I've been kidding myself on how much I've been affected but it's like it's all come to a head today and I've realised I literally cannot carry on like this. I forgot to mention the referral to the mental health team so I suppose in a way that could be to a specialist? I definitely want to see my actual GP as well though to see what he can suggest, if anything.

Just popped on to say that sounded awful today and you should definitely try and see your usual Dr. My DD suffers with OCD are you on the right dose of Fluoxetine as it really needs to be 40-60mg for severe OCD.
Just something to check.
I hope your partner understands your struggles and is kind.
Would it be possible to sit in the back with headphones on and a sleep mask? Sounds silly but it might get you from A-B.

@ilovebagpuss I'm on 40mg, I think if I'd seen my usual GP today he may have discussed increasing it in honesty, so that's another reason I'm frustrated my appointment wasn't with him. I am sorry your DD also suffers, I hope she's managing as well as she can ❤

I am lucky that my DP is very understanding and patient with me, but I wish he didn't have to be. He's so supportive and he just wants me to be okay and happy but I'm sure he wants us to be able to get back to going on weekend trips and days out which we just don't do any more and it's all because of me.

I love the idea with the mask and the headphones - I can remember two times we've been in the car in the last 18 months and one of those times I did sit in the back and we nipped to Asda and back, so you're really onto something I think that would really help me. Thank you so much for that suggestion.

You don't sound pathetic. It sounds really tough. Well done for seeking support, taking medication and tackling this

We weren't there, but I'd like to think the GP wasn't mocking you. I think more likely it was a sympathetic smile / grimace that didn't come across as they intended

has the GP referred you for therapy? I had two years NHs treatment for OCD and they were brilliant.

OCD is your mind trying to manage anxiety in an extraordinary way. Take baby steps. Pop your hubby in the car, don't let him have the key incase it triggers you, and work out how close you can get to the car without panicking. Do this everyday and move closer each day until you get to sit in the seat with him. Just keep it stationary - trying to drive is way off just yet.

I realise that this isn’t the main issue in the thread, but who randomly gags because they’ve eaten too much food? I thought people only gagged out of disgust, or from sticking something down their throat, or attempting to vomit. But gagging from just casually eating too much food while you’re in a GP appointment?! I find this baffling. Is your DP’s relationship with food also difficult?!

edited for typos

I really recommend listening to drew linsalata "the anxious truth" or reading his book. He's a therapist who overcame agoraphobia and panic disorder using slow exposure therapy and then began a YouTube channel about it and eventually went to college to become a therapist for it. It would be the same principle and method for you overcoming the car issue.

You have my full sympathy as I've had emetophobia since childhood also and I've also had to do exposure therapy for other things and it's fucking awful but if it's stuck to, it really is the only way through it.

I would seek out a counsellor who can deal with food issues, OCD and emetaphobia and pay to see them privately. It'll cost but the right one will do you so much more good than this haphazard NHS treatment. I would also ask to see your usual doctor and I would accept any help from the mental health team. Some GPs sadly are still not good with anything mental health related.

It’s so hard when you anticipate a doctor’s appointment - often with a long wait, mentally preparing everything you need to say and hoping it will really help - and it just doesn’t go well.

i had some tears, too, after a much awaited and postponed hospital outpatient appointment. Total flop.

All the best to you.

@Dancingsquirrels Thank you - your post made me well up, thank you for your kind words honestly. I am going to go with he felt awkward and wasn't smirking, I think you are right.

@OCDandUS I had a course of CBT therapy just over a year ago which helped with some elements of my 'recovery' but not with getting in the car. It felt like it came to a bit of a dead end unfortunately and wasn't exactly what I needed. I also had some CBT therapy in the past for something for something unrelated which didn't really work for me so I think I need to explore different therapy options but it's not something I know a massive amount about.
I love your suggestion for such a phased approach to getting back in the car with my DP. I will discuss this with him and I think he'll agree it's a good shout - thank you so much.

@EveningSpread I don't know if it was because he'd eaten too much or what. It's not something that happens often at all - he has a sensitive gag reflex so will gag at taking the bins out for example, but I know to just nip upstairs if he's planning on taking them out. His relationship with food is the opposite of difficult, he'll eat anything and everything. I think it was heartburn that caused him to gag but it was just the once and so long ago it's just a shame it's had such a huge effect on me. He'd eaten his tea before coming to pick me up from the doctors so probably a combo of eating too much or too fast to rush to get me.

@Realisation14 thank you - I've added that to my audible and will make a start tonight. I'll have a look for him on YouTube as well - hopefully it will also link me to similar resources that may help me! Thank you, I am so sorry to hear you suffer too ❤

@PullTheBricksDown I don't even know where to start with a private counsellor but I will sit down this weekend and have a proper look, I do think it's becoming clear to me that maybe I am just a bit too complex for 'generic' (for want of a better word' NHS treatment and maybe I need something more specialised.

@largeprintagathachristie Thank you - I really feel I let myself down just crying. I'd really built it up to the first step of getting back to normal so I came out so upset and deflated. My DP is going to come with me (when I get booked in with my usual GP) and bring some notes so even if I do just cry my way through it at least I can communicate better.

You said what I was thinking… I’m sure I’m wrong as he sounds very supportive from what OP has said, but if he wasn’t great with her I’dve assumed he did it on purpose… like a wind up

People can gag for all sorts of reason, bit of spittle gone down the wrong way, a dry throat can catch and spasm and gag ( I get this a lot), I have chronic cough, possible GERD and this makes me gag if I cough a lot because of the way the throat works. My throat often gets dry and scratchy in the car due to air con

I'm so sorry you are struggling. You deserve to be happy and not live in fear.

You really need some high quality, in depth therapy. I think it will be very hard to get better without this. It can be life changing. If you can afford it I would not wait for the NHS to sort this out for you. You could research therapists specialising in OCD and emetophobia.

My son has OCD type symptoms. Have you tried treating yourself? Taking shortcuts when this happens or asking someone for help? I noticed that when my son is under a bit more stress,exams or a lot of things happening or changing that he gets worse. I realised that treating him to things/helping him or even a change of scenery helps. Maybe it could help you too, if you haven't tried already

You said you didn’t know what you were expecting from the docs appointment. Next time make sure you do have expectations which you can articulate then you can come out with more of a sense of satisfaction.

Do you work and manage day to day tasks? If so this is great and you can be kinder to yourself

Avoiding the car and never eating out need to be tackled and there is a light at the end of the tunnel as you’re getting help.

Sorry if I’ve misunderstood but you’re taking fluoxetine and he’s prescribed you sertraline - to take on top? To take instead of? It’s very unlikely he has intended for you to take both - if that’s the case I’d double check with the surgery before starting the sertraline.

You’ve had some brilliant advice already OP, the only thing I’d add or rather reiterate is that I’d really recommend going private for this if at all possible. Your needs, as I understand them from what you have written here, I do think are just beyond what the NHS is capable of managing beyond just continually increasing your dosage or providing more medication. I suspect what you need really is a combination of the correct medication & lots of in person therapy whatever form that may come in and the NHS just simply doesn’t have the capacity to provide that level of face to face support.

@TY78910 absolutely not a wind up, he was mortified - I don't think a single cell in his body would ever consider even trying to wind me up with anything like that, he cared for me through my entire breakdown and weight loss - I am so lucky in that regard and that's another reason why I just want to stop being like this and holding us back.

@Drivingthevengabus Thank you ❤

@LimeQuoter In general I manage my OCD really well, it's just part of 'me' and if you met me you wouldn't know I had it. It's this issue with the car that is the issue :(