Need a handhold, rubbish Dr appointment and rubbish evening. Rubbish life.

[ElleBelleLou]

I'm just feeling a bit sad and thought writing it down would help - I am feeling fragile (hormonal, tired, genuinely just upset - who knows but I've been in the bedroom in tears) so I think I need a little bit of kindness.

I have OCD and anxiety and have been on fluoxetine for around 18 months, and for the most part I am handling it really well. However, I cannot go in the car with my DP. I am sorry for how long this is, but I wanted to give backstory rather than drip feed;

With my OCD I have crippling emetophobia (fear of vomit / vomiting). I have had that issue since I was a child, but thought it was normal because who wants to be sick or be around sick - nobody. I've managed it pretty well throughout my life, I don't eat out, I wash my hands, I keep my distance from people who are potentially ill, I avoid nightclubs etc. I kind of just lived with it. But 2 years ago I was on the bus home from work when a woman 3 seats away from me projectile vomited everywhere - this caused a mental breakdown. I had a panic attack, was let off the bus and walked 2 miles home with shaky legs, hysterical and sobbing. I got home and my memory is hazy because this is when I was in crisis, but I was doing all sorts of 'routines' and actions that I felt would stop me catching a bug / vomiting myself - taking activated charcoal, washing every part of me, I am ashamed to say I rubbed inside my nose with hand sanitiser and poured myself a cup of diluted bleach to 'clean my insides'. My DP stepped in at this point and I went to bed exhausted. From this point I stopped eating as I was convinced the only reason I wasn't vomiting is because I was empty. I lost 2.5 stone and became severely underweight.

Eventually my DP forced me to the doctors, and this is when I was diagnosed with OCD and an eating disorder. I was put on fluoxetine, given a course of CBT and had to have fortnightly face to face appointments where I'd be weighed and my mental health reviewed to see whether I needed to be admitted anywhere. It was a really tough time in my life and I don't really have a full memory of everything.

During this time, on the way back home from a particularly difficult doctors appointment, my DP gagged in the car. Just one of those things - he'd eaten too much or something. But in my mental state, it took me straight back to the woman on the bus and I had an almighty panic attack - I really thought I was dying.

Following this, I have barely been in the car with him since. It must have been about 18 months now. I am fully aware of how ridiculous that sounds and I wish it wasn't my truth - I'm sat here now crying about it. When I am in a car, I feel claustrophobic and trapped in general, but with him it's like I am on edge waiting for him to gag or vomit and it culminates in a panic attack. It's a huge trigger for me and it's holding me (and realistically, us) back so much - it gets me so incredibly down I can't even really put it into words. We live together, we're trying to plan our wedding and I am so pathetic I cannot get into his car.

I finally went to the Doctors today for an appointment I've had booked for 6 weeks, to chat about this anxiety and the fact I cannot get in the car with him. It was also meant to be a bit of a general review of my OCD and medication but also to see what more I could do to hopefully improve and ultimately go back to normality with my DP. I needed help.

My appointment wasn't with my usual doctor but someone brand new. Someone who had clearly not looked at my medical history or had any knowledge of my diagnosis and medications. I explained my feelings and wondering what more options I have - unfortunately I started crying which I am frustrated about as maybe I couldn't explain myself as clearly as I had intended to.

The doctor just looked at me - whilst I am sat there in tears and asking for help - smirking. Didn't offer me a tissue from the box on his desk. Didn't acknowledge what I was saying. Didn't mention my OCD or my current medication. Just prescribed me sertraline and booked a telephone review in 2 weeks.

I've come out of the appointment feeling lost, and even more pathetic. I don't know what I was expecting, I think at this point I'm looking for a miracle.

I don't even know what I am posting this for or whether any of it makes sense. I just wish I could get in the car with my DP like a normal fucking human. I wish my brain wasn't broken. I wish I didn't have OCD. I wish I could function like a normal human. I am so, so exhausted of living like this every day. I'm so guilty for the impact on my DP, our relationship and our days. I feel pointless, I am a burden to him. I've had CBT therapy and it didn't help me one bit. I feel like I'm all out of options and I'm lost.

I am so sorry you are going through this.
I doubt that the smirk was a smirk though, I think it was probably panic as you say he was a new doctor and he wasn't aware of your background. He probably didn't know how to react.
The referral to Mental Health Team should help. . surprised that hasn't happened previously.
Can you contact the Mental Health Team and ask when you will have access to them .if you feel you can't wait ask for an emergency appointment.
And as you seem to trust your local doctor perhaps make another appointment but ask to see him.

I feel for you and totally understand. Logic goes out the window as soon as you are in the situation you perceive as ‘risky’. I got myself in a similar state some years ago over my IBS and risk of not getting to a loo. Like you I let fear stop our lives, at first I wouldn’t eat out at all, be away from home……
I gradually got a bit better but still let it restrict my and our lives. Eventually put on sertraline for depression and this quietened my mind enough to allow me to start building up what I could do. Did some online CBT which also helped and since then started yoga. Have gradually, very gradually go back to a more normal life.
I still have days when I cling to home, but fewer, I can recognise the relation between my guts and my brain so realise that worry affects my digestion so makes the risk higher but the risk being high leads to worry and so on. Breathing exercises help there.
What you said about potential ASD also resonated as this is something I have begun to wonder about for much the same reasons, focus on current hobby etc. Interesting research on knitting and ASD/ADHD, tactile nature, repeated movements etc are soothing.
Don’t beat yourself up, do check on the prescribing of two things at once but let yourself recover from the stress and disappointment of the appointment with the doctor.

Thank you for your posts everyone, I will respond to everyone now I need to catch up. I feel a bit more optimistic this morning, though I am drained. I've just filled out an assessment with Turning Point and gone into complete and honest detail around not being able to be in the car with my DP. I am hoping for EMDR or support to tackle this. I spoke with my DP at length last night and we are going to sit in the car together on Monday - we may drive somewhere, we may just spend time sat together but I hope I can do it and come back and say I've made that first step. I need my life back. I turn 30 at the end of this year and I refuse to bring this into my thirties.

@Thedoorisalwaysopen Your post has brought tears to my eyes, it's just so right. I am not living. I want to enjoy my future and live, I want to travel, I want to go do the food shop with my DP without batting an eye. I want my life back - thank you.

@Teenytwo I have hopefully taken the first step towards EMDR, I'd love to look back and say it's changed my life as well. It sounds like it was amazing for you and I hope I can have the same experience.

@RamblingAlong I am sorry you also have OCD, you sound like you are where I want to be if you don't notice it day to day. You're my inspiration - is ERP the same as EMDR? I have a list as long as my arm to Google and look into, and I think this is what is making me feel so much more optimistic. I have options.

@PorcupinesAreSpiky Thank you 🩷

@Lavatime Thank you for the recommendation, that's something else I've added to my list. I'll discuss anti-psychotics at my next appointment with my GP, I'm going to ring tomorrow and request I see my usual doctor and I know he will listen to me bringing this all up.

@Noshadelamp Thank you 🩷 I have some magnesium glycinate but I always forget to take it, I didn't realise it can help with OCD. Same with the other supplements, I will have a look. I'm hoping EMDR therapy is my next step cause I think it will be a huge help (and hopefully change my life as it has some people here) - thank you.

@lottiestars76 Thank you!! Your poor DD - sounds exactly how I feel. It's definitely something I can look into, I have suspected some kind of neuro diversity (beyond OCD) in the past, and if it would help piece together my issues it's worth me looking into xx

@ManchNic Thank you - another thing for me to look into this weekend! I've never been sure about hypnotherapy but if I can't do EMDR or it doesn't help, it's definitely something for me to look into further.

@WhoAteAllTheDinosaurs Thank you - another vote for EMDR!

@2021x Thank you, I do agree with you re the medication. I'm not sure how much it's actually HELPED me - it's also not something I would want to be on long term, I just want to fix this one issue and then I am honestly happy to just live with my OCD and anxiety otherwise - long as I can get in the car with my DP and escape to the beach now and then!

@Tenofcups sorry to hear you also suffer - and the same on the bus, maybe we were on the same one! Have you got any recommendations for the self hypnosis you listened to? I hope EMDR is an option for me.

@garlictwist Oh I am so sorry, I completely know how your brain is working. I am so hyper aware of people around me - thinking does that person look a bit pale, does that person look like they're feeling ill and then I can't be anywhere near them. I would've done exactly the same, I'd have left and been convinced I'd caught the bug she must have. I do think there can be help though, many people have shared their experiences here and from my CBT therapy I know they do care - it just wasn't the right option for me but that's not to say it doesn't help anyone. Don't give up X

@Bgasfraudfraud I manage well at work, my manager is very supportive and I am only in the office twice a week. It took some time to get back to normal travelling to work but I manage it fine now. I don't know why it's this one issue with the car and my DP I just can't fix when I have fixed everything else.
I do want children. We have actually had two losses over the years, the second pregnancy I felt sick permanently which was a huge struggle but I did it, until I lost the baby. I'd give anything to carry a baby to term and be a mother but I know I need to get better before bringing DC into the world.

@Realisation14 Bless you. I am so sorry 🩷

@Squishymallows That's a positive story, thank you for sharing - I am not sure I'll ever get there, but who knows!

@Eyesopenwideawake Thank you, hypnotherapy really really does intrigue me. I'll have a look for your AMA!

@Pinty Thank you, today I've realised yes he was probably panic and a bit out of his depth - he was young and new and there I was in his room sobbing.

I'm going to call up tomorrow to try and get an appointment with my actual GP, and I hope he can give me more information about the mental health team and what they can do for me as I feel I am going in blind.

@eatreadsleeprepeat Logic going out the window is absolutely right - I feel pathetic trying to explain because how is anyone meant to just accept I can't get in the car with my DP when we live together, we're engaged and we spend all our time together - it's not logical, but it's still a problem :(

Thank you so much for your post. I really resonate with you as well - well done for being able to get back to some normality 🩷

As I was responding here, I got a call from Talking Therapies. I have an assessment appointment tomorrow, and I will try and push for EMDR.

Honestly, thank you everyone so much for your posts, your sympathy, experiences and kindness has helped more than you could all ever know. I know I can do this.

Ahhhh well done OP you seem so much more positive already! Keep going mate

@Comtesse I really do feel it - I think going into the appointment yesterday expecting some kind of miracle fix, then crying at the disappointment of it has kicked my arse into gear. I need to fix this myself with the support of whatever is available to me. I cannot let this be the rest of my life!

Hi OP, It sounds like having some recommendations and a bit of an action plan is helping you feel a bit more positive today, which I'm so glad about!

To answer your question to me about ERP compared to EMDR - my understanding is that they are different therapies (but I'm sure they could be complementary, with the caveat that I'm not a medical professional). ERP is like a specific, intense form of CBT, but is much more helpful than standard CBT or talking therapy for OCD. I read in one of your posts that you have experienced looking at images as part of your past CBT, which can be part of ERP too, but it can also be more practical e.g. touching things like a loo seat and resisting the compulsion to wash your hands for increasing periods of time. It is adapted to the theme of your intrusive thoughts and compulsions, and the idea is to sit with the anxiety spike caused by your trigger, and not complete your usual compulsion, as this would feed the OCD cycle (which seeks to give you reassurance in the short term, but ultimately makes the anxiety and whole OCD cycle worse), if that makes sense?

I have heard that EMDR is very helpful for dealing with traumatic events and Complex PTSD, so it sounds like that could be beneficial for helping you move past the specific traumatic events in the bus and car that you've mentioned. However my understanding is that ERP would help you tackle the OCD itself, but EMDR might help you get into a better place emotionally to be able to tackle ERP.

I really do wish you all the best, and I can tell from your posts how determined you are to get through this. It takes enormous strength and bravery to fight OCD, but you've got this! And just to say on medication - I was on Sertraline before, during and for a couple of years after my ERP, but I'm now not on any medication, so it doesn't always need to be a permanent thing 😊 take care of yourself!

This thread has been very fast moving @ElleBelleLou and I'm so happy and impressed to read you already have an assessment booked. It sounds like you have some very healthy ideas and techniques for moving forward.

I just wanted to say I've suffered from emetophobia since I was a child (mid 40's now) and it's curtailed my life in many ways. Nobody likes vomit but my brain works on a different level to most people and I'm always on hyper alert in situations most people wouldn't bat an eyelid at. I particularly struggle with any type of travel, being anywhere alcohol is involved, being in any type of medical setting (A&E is my absolute worst nightmare), being around anyone who has recently been sick or becomes ill with sickness after me seeing them and being around children (as in my mind they are more likely to just suddenly puke!). As an adult I avoid fairgrounds and themeparks and we don't own a family car as my DC get travel sick.

But despite this I have managed to travel quite extensively in my younger adult years and I've also had 3 DC (so I've managed 3 pregnancies. Thankfully I never got any morning sickness but my emetophobia isn't about me being sick. It's about others being sick near me)

My eldest child is nearly 13 so I've managed all these years of sickness bugs (over 3 children there have been quite a few 😲) but I do handover the actual vomiting to daddy where at all possible. I'll wash out basins (once there is no evidence) and I'll soothe and reassure and keep as calm as I can but daddy deals with actual sickness.... I can and have stepped up when needed.

To me the main issue is the anticipation. If one of the kids are sick then I've dealt with it but if one of them complains about feeling sick then I spiral.

I have had CBT and I got 4 sessions into exposure therapy in 2020 (Covid meant the sessions stopped and they never recommenced, I was due 10 sessions in total and always wonder where they would have ended. I used to see my therapist in an actual GP surgery and always wondered if the end game was to sit me next to someone vomiting? 🙃 )

Covid actually helped me manage things in a certain way as it seemed for once the whole world understood my level of worry about illness. Even though I 100% think lockdown was a terrible and damaging time for us all and would never want to go back to the dark time.

I think a combination of natural exposure, years of managing my phobia and having strategies in place has made it more manageable. I have even booked a holiday abroad next year which is an achievement as plane travel has been off my radar for many years now.

Please do keep us posted with your progress @ElleBelleLou

You've got this.

Complete disclaimer-I haven't experienced this and I'm not a dr.

I just don't think medical drs are always best placed to help with mental health issues.

If you've tried CBT, I'd perhaps try hypnotherapy- an experienced practitioner who specialises in OCD. Don't be afraid question if they have experience with it.
Best of luck

I have ocd and other mh issues.
I have been a psychiatric in patient a number of times and have met a lot of people with mh problems over the years. What you’re describing is at the extreme end.
You need a psychiatrist and you probably need to be on a lot more medication and a mix of different types.
Honestly, if I was as bad as you I would stop playing it down and get admitted somewhere. You need serious help and you need it ASAP.

@RamblingAlong Ahh thank you for that explanation, that's really clear - I think (if I could) then a good action plan would be EMDR to move past the actual trauma and this roadblock of car journeys with DP, and then ERP to help me more generally with my OCD - I like to have a plan and that sounds manageable and useful!
Wonderful that you're no longer on medication, that's absolutely something I want to aim for - I don't mind feeling a little anxious and having a little 'relapse' here and there as long as I can get in that flaming car!! :)

@Crunchymum Very fast moving, I am so surprised by all the responses and positivity but it really had been a kick up the a*se and very, very motivational!

I love your post - not that you suffer with emetophobia obviously - but how you've managed and were you've come. I relate to you so much with the anticipation, the travel and the medical settings etc. I also do not and would never go to a fairground or a themepark - are we the same person!

You give me hope talking about the pregnancies, sickness bugs with your DC etc. I have always worried that I won't be able to handle those things and therefore I won't be a good mother, I won't be able to carry a pregnancy to term - sometimes I wonder if the worry and anticipation of morning sickness etc is perhaps what led to my two miscarriages in the past even.

Amazing that you've booked a holiday abroad - that is something I would love! I'm not in the position yet to imagine myself on a plane but if you can do it, I can do it. Thank you so much for sharing, honestly 💖

@Pinkissmart Thank you, another mention of hypnotherapy - I will report back after my googling / research this weekend following my assessment tomorrow morning :)

@Onlyinthrees Sorry to hear you also suffer. I do understand where you're coming from, but I must say I personally don't think I need to be admitted anywhere. Granted I need help, and I definitely don't live a 'normal' life at this time, but I work full time in a wonderful job I perform well at, I see my friends and family, I'm planning a wedding, I cook and I clean, I relax, I go to the gym, I go out on my bike, I go shopping etc - I don't think I am playing it down I've been as honest as I can be in all my posts.

I appreciate your concern but I have no concerns or beliefs that at this time I need to be admitted anywehere. Even in the height of my breakdown, my wonderful GP did not feel the need to admit me.

Thank you though :)

Sounds awful, OP. FWIW, I have been through (very dissimilar) triggers for my lifelong general anxiety, and been on all sorts of SRNI's SSRI's over the years; Sertraline helped me the best out of all of them. You have to get over the first two weeks of feeling worse, but do that and you may feel like a different person. Give them a try, you can't feel much worse than you do now. Good luck.

It’s great that you can do all of those things, but it’s when you look at what you can’t do that’s where you see the problem. Not being able to do something as simple as be in a car with your own partner because he once gagged is a serious problem. I’m not trying to be harsh, but it sounds like you are in denial. OCD can be a bit like addiction in that even though it causes you a huge amount of distress, sometimes underneath is a part of you that doesn’t want to give up the behaviour. I honestly wouldn’t trust the opinion of a doctor who didn’t think you needed to be admitted when you had been starving yourself and deliberately ingested bleach. Those are extreme self damaging behaviours. I really think you need to push to see a psychiatrist.

Can you afford private counselling. That's what you need if you are to get past this.

Hi OP, I was on the move yesterday so couldn't respond properly. I recommended the Thrive Programme.

Emetophobia is an awful phobia. I've had it for years. I used to have panic attacks with it and wouldn't leave the house. It was awful.

I bought the 'thrive with emetophobia' manual to begin with and it really helped me to understand it properly. For me, it was anticipatory anxiety and the inability to cope if it happened, as well as embarrassment if it happened in front of others. It was one of the reasons being in public places made me more anxious. I then coughed up £800 to work through the manual with a coach. That really helped as well though it's not essential. You can work through it yourself but you need to be commited. I was desperate at the time, I spent a couple of hours a day on the book's exercises.

I'm not cured, it's still on my mind a lot but now I trained part of my brain to stop myself in my tracks and challenge any anxious thoughts around it. For that reason I always push through and I can live a normal life. Because I understand it fully now I know what my triggers are and I can rationalise my thinking around it. I no longer have panic attacks and I'm much calmer. The last time I was sick I was much calmer. In fact a lot of the worry I engage in now is more habitual.

The big message here is that you need someone who specialises it and really understands it. The coach I worked with suffered from it herself so completely understood the types of thoughts I was having. That was a good start. GPs and general mental health practitioners will not be able to help you. The phobia is too complex. Writing a worry diary at the end of each day wasn't helping me, neither were the breathing exercises I practiced with an NHS panic disorder specialist.

Another book I tried was called 'The Emetophobia Manual'. I didn't read it all the way through as it eventually focused on exposure which I knew wouldn't work for me (Thrive advises against exposure therapy by the way) but the early part of the book had some fantastic coping strategies and again, really helped me to understand it. It told me to write myself an encouraging letter all about my hopes and dreams, how to not let the fear get the better of me, reminding me of crucial strategies. I read it every morning. Really helped.

Bottom line is I know how you feel, and you can beat it or significantly reduce the phobia. You just need the right support.

Hello everyone. Today my wonderful DP came back from working away, and we sat in the car together for 5 mins (enjoying the air con!!). We then took a little 5 min drive round our estate. Tiny, tiny steps but I’m so proud of myself. We’ll build up and have our life back.

Well bloody done OP! Mental health issues are fucking horrendous. Don’t ever feel pathetic, I know it’s difficult. You see people doing normal people things and wonder “why can’t I just do that normal thing”. It’s soul destroying. You’ve done fantastically - I’m really proud of you even though it don’t know you!! And well done your DH for being supportive too 💐

Congrats, I've just seen your thread and read through. Have you made any progress in getting ERP - that's the best therpay for OCD, it's Exposure and Response Prevention which I think will be easier to get first because you're diagnosed with OCD and would be helpful alongside EMDR for trauma but ERP is more likely to deal with the OCD speicifc issues. I'd ask the GP and/or the mental health team you've been referred to aboth ERP more than the EMDR but both are great and can be done at the same time. Even if you start the EMDR first then are on the waitlist for ERP. But well done for the sitting in the car, it's a big step to be able to tolerate.

@Dr13HadleyThank you!! Thank you for your kind words 🩷 tomorrow evening we’re going to drive down to the local shop (it’s only half a mile away) and back to pick up some Diet Coke for DP’s friend who’s kindly coming to do our garden on Thursday. I’m so determined x

@TheLivelyViperThank you :) not much progress so far, I filled out an assessment and had a brief phone call with my local therapy provider, I actually had a voicemail from them around an hour ago which I can’t listen to because my house is a signal black hole so no calls and texts! I’m going to ring back tomorrow whilst I’m at work so hopefully they’ll be able to offer me that. If not, I had a letter yesterday confirming my referral has been assessed and passed to the Primary Care Mental Health Team which I need to look up but perhaps they can offer me ERP and EMDR x

Psychologist here - I would really recommend a comprehensive assessment with a clinical psychologist. Especially as you’ve experienced trauma, you need an integrative approach and treatment plan to formulate what is really going on here. CBT can be a bit ‘surface level’ where trauma is concerned, unless you are doing trauma-focused CBT (which you didn’t). There should be clinical psychologists in your primary care team and given that you’ve previously had therapy there, it makes sense that you would be offered a more intensive assessment. Sadly I am recommending more and more that people go private due to the limitations of NHS mental health services. If you go down this route, make sure the clinician is HCPC registered and be wary of unprotected job titles that anyone can use e.g ‘counsellor’ or generic ‘psychologist’.

This sort of fear is very treatable, it just needs a more personalised approach rather than manualised CBT, which you had before. Wishing you the best of luck with it all.

That's great, we're the forms just basic details? Yes I'd definitely ring tomorrow and ask them about both ERP and EMDR and also having a more comprehensive mental health assesment with a psychiatrist as well, to spot anything else and just general recommendations.