Need a handhold, rubbish Dr appointment and rubbish evening. Rubbish life.

[ElleBelleLou]

I'm just feeling a bit sad and thought writing it down would help - I am feeling fragile (hormonal, tired, genuinely just upset - who knows but I've been in the bedroom in tears) so I think I need a little bit of kindness.

I have OCD and anxiety and have been on fluoxetine for around 18 months, and for the most part I am handling it really well. However, I cannot go in the car with my DP. I am sorry for how long this is, but I wanted to give backstory rather than drip feed;

With my OCD I have crippling emetophobia (fear of vomit / vomiting). I have had that issue since I was a child, but thought it was normal because who wants to be sick or be around sick - nobody. I've managed it pretty well throughout my life, I don't eat out, I wash my hands, I keep my distance from people who are potentially ill, I avoid nightclubs etc. I kind of just lived with it. But 2 years ago I was on the bus home from work when a woman 3 seats away from me projectile vomited everywhere - this caused a mental breakdown. I had a panic attack, was let off the bus and walked 2 miles home with shaky legs, hysterical and sobbing. I got home and my memory is hazy because this is when I was in crisis, but I was doing all sorts of 'routines' and actions that I felt would stop me catching a bug / vomiting myself - taking activated charcoal, washing every part of me, I am ashamed to say I rubbed inside my nose with hand sanitiser and poured myself a cup of diluted bleach to 'clean my insides'. My DP stepped in at this point and I went to bed exhausted. From this point I stopped eating as I was convinced the only reason I wasn't vomiting is because I was empty. I lost 2.5 stone and became severely underweight.

Eventually my DP forced me to the doctors, and this is when I was diagnosed with OCD and an eating disorder. I was put on fluoxetine, given a course of CBT and had to have fortnightly face to face appointments where I'd be weighed and my mental health reviewed to see whether I needed to be admitted anywhere. It was a really tough time in my life and I don't really have a full memory of everything.

During this time, on the way back home from a particularly difficult doctors appointment, my DP gagged in the car. Just one of those things - he'd eaten too much or something. But in my mental state, it took me straight back to the woman on the bus and I had an almighty panic attack - I really thought I was dying.

Following this, I have barely been in the car with him since. It must have been about 18 months now. I am fully aware of how ridiculous that sounds and I wish it wasn't my truth - I'm sat here now crying about it. When I am in a car, I feel claustrophobic and trapped in general, but with him it's like I am on edge waiting for him to gag or vomit and it culminates in a panic attack. It's a huge trigger for me and it's holding me (and realistically, us) back so much - it gets me so incredibly down I can't even really put it into words. We live together, we're trying to plan our wedding and I am so pathetic I cannot get into his car.

I finally went to the Doctors today for an appointment I've had booked for 6 weeks, to chat about this anxiety and the fact I cannot get in the car with him. It was also meant to be a bit of a general review of my OCD and medication but also to see what more I could do to hopefully improve and ultimately go back to normality with my DP. I needed help.

My appointment wasn't with my usual doctor but someone brand new. Someone who had clearly not looked at my medical history or had any knowledge of my diagnosis and medications. I explained my feelings and wondering what more options I have - unfortunately I started crying which I am frustrated about as maybe I couldn't explain myself as clearly as I had intended to.

The doctor just looked at me - whilst I am sat there in tears and asking for help - smirking. Didn't offer me a tissue from the box on his desk. Didn't acknowledge what I was saying. Didn't mention my OCD or my current medication. Just prescribed me sertraline and booked a telephone review in 2 weeks.

I've come out of the appointment feeling lost, and even more pathetic. I don't know what I was expecting, I think at this point I'm looking for a miracle.

I don't even know what I am posting this for or whether any of it makes sense. I just wish I could get in the car with my DP like a normal fucking human. I wish my brain wasn't broken. I wish I didn't have OCD. I wish I could function like a normal human. I am so, so exhausted of living like this every day. I'm so guilty for the impact on my DP, our relationship and our days. I feel pointless, I am a burden to him. I've had CBT therapy and it didn't help me one bit. I feel like I'm all out of options and I'm lost.

@GoldPoster You're the second to mention anti-psychotic, definitely something for me to look into more. I'll see if it's something the mental health team can recommend maybe?

@AfraidToRun I think I forgot to add it in my OP but I have been referred to the mental health team, I don't know the next steps or anything as it was only briefly mentioned by the GP I saw but hopefully it's the right step. I am sorry to hear you ended up hospitalised, I hope you're doing as well as you can be now. X

Thanks @ElleBelleLou , I've been in recovery over a decade now. I never thought it was possible but if you get people with experience and understanding it makes the world of difference.

GPs can have a supportive role but they should be part of a bigger picture. IMo.

thats a shame - with my NHS therapy (Healthy Minds if you have one locally you can self refer) we did very little CBT - after each 12wks or so they assessed my progress and pushed me up a level to more experienced and different kinds of therapy. For example - can you remember when you first had the orginal feeling of the vomiting being an issue? what was going on at the time. when you are feeling anxious - where do you feel it in your body - are your other senses involved etc? If you can work out the what is your first sensation when you start to feel anxious it means you can say to yourself my first trigger has been triggered ... what is a copying mechanism I can introduce to make sure I don't esculate.

I have i would say severe ocd and am on 60 mh fluxotine dosage needs to be quite high for ocd it doesn't cure it completely but takes the edge of it and makes it a little more liveable i really feel for you i know how debilitating it can be good luckx

Good luck - I had to fight really hard for EMDR (they had the worst assessment process of continually asking me to re-explain my trauma) but it was SO worth it.

I can't explain how it works but it just did. It's along the lines of somatic therapies so you may find those useful to explore too.

Worth reading up on the NICE guidelines for EMDR too.

I've also had CBT and found that can help but the EMDR was more like finally closing a door. I did get stuck in a loop at the end of the sessions (I am not diagnosed OCD but definitely have traits). The therapist was amazing though, we worked together on imagining an alternative ending, as the brain often likes visual imagery she said.

@OCDandUS I think my local is Turning Point, I've just this evening self referred myself with the hope of being able to do EMDR - it's the same place I had my CBT previously but I think EMDR is my next thing to try.
If I am honestly I felt like my therapist during my CBT course was belittling or not addressing my actual concerns - each session we looked at pictures of people about to be sick, then it was being sick, then pictures of sick and moving up to videos etc - that just didn't help me and my issues with being in the car with my DP which is honestly the one thing I want to fix. I can look at pictures of sick or pictures of people being sick and be fine because I can't catch it. It just didn't help.
I can usually do well bringing my anxiety down in other situations such as on a bus or something where my mind will convince me someone is about to be sick. I used to have to get off the bus convinced I would throw up or someone near me would - I can manage that fine now. But it's like I can't even get in the car with my DP to have the anxiety to resolve - it's like a mental block. But I really want to get there.

@orangetriangle I am sorry to hear you suffer too, thank you for your post - I am still on the 40mg but I do think an increase might be something to explore with my regular GP.

@LemonBeagle thank you - if EMDR seems like an option for me I will really really push to be able to do that. The more I read and the more experiences shared I feel like I can't not try it, I don't want to go into detail but I have had a lot of previous trauma which may or may not contribute to my OCD, I don't know, but it's absolutely something I could do with 'addressing' and resolving, if I can.

Please see your normal doctor OP. This sounds horrendous and your experience with the locus doctor won't have helped you at all.
You deserve better than this. This isn't living. You deserve to enjoy married life and a future, maybe even start a family if that's what you choose but no way is that possible right now. You aren't broken. But you do need very special care and handling.

I know a few have already said it but I have had EMDR and it has really changed my life. I was nearly hit by a car that mounted the pavement (accidentally) and I was having daily panic attacks about it and flashbacks, unless I think about it now it is out of my mind and I am back to normal. When I do think about it I am emotionless.

You could revisit cbt after for the emetephobia once the key incidents are reduced.

Hi OP, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for what you've been going through. OCD is a nightmare which can be so misunderstood, but I promise it is possible to come out the other side of it. I've been diagnosed with it too, with different themes to yours, but similarities with the hygiene compulsions. I would really strongly recommend Exposure and Response Prevention therapy (ERP) alongside medication to help overcome the compulsions and anxiety. I was prescribed this on the NHS (through my GP) when I was at my worst and I can honestly say it saved my life. As someone else mentioned it is quite a long process, but it really does help take the fear away and break the obsession-compulsion pattern.

I really feel for you as I know how horrible it is to go through something like this, but I promise there will be better and brighter times ahead. I am now in a place where I hardly notice my OCD day to day, and when it does flare up I have the tools from ERP to help manage it. Wishing you all the very best OP.

Also, just to add that I see other posters have been recommending EMDR therapy too, which I've heard really good things about for helping with unresolved trauma. I hope you are able to speak to your usual doctor and they are supportive and helpful with whichever treatment you feel is best for you.

You are certainly not pathetic. OCD is a horrible thing to deal with and I’m not surprised you are exhausted. You sound like you really want to get better which I think is a huge step forward ❤️

I have severe ocd and also had a similar complete crisis but with a different theme. I did ERP therapy (exposure response prevention) and it was life changing for me. There is a book that is really good for self help techniques that my psychologist recommended that I think is definitely worth a read called
'Break Free from OCD: Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder with CBT'

I also was on a low dose of anti psychotics/quetiapine along with fluoxetine which also helped massively though I no longer take them as the side effects can be rubbish (so tired all the time!)

I've had ocd since I was a child, and always will but now I feel confident I can manage and avoid crisis point and not let ocd control my life- it can get better OP. I know you say it's part of you but, that is ocd speaking ans challenging the smaller compulsions actually helps when it comes to managing the big ones

I'm so sorry, it sounds so rough and you're not pathetic at all. In fact you're here asking for help and come through so much with the ed 💐

I have intrusive thoughts and OCD and found since taking b12, omega 3 oils (vegan but you can get fish oils which are stronger ) and magnesium capsules (specifically magnesium glycinate) thet have helped enormously. I am vegetarian which may have affected by b12, it's always recommended for non meat eaters.

I agree with the person who suggested sitting in the back of the car, and using something for distraction eg a puzzle or game, crossword, colouring in, knitting, anything you can focus strongly on.

If you can afford it EMDR therapy is often recommended for OCD and trauma.

Also with the exposures- it's the response prevention part that really breaks the ocd cycle. So for an obvious example for something with contamination ocd it could be touching something contaminated and then not washing hands for say 10 minutes after- gradually getting to not at all. (This can be tricky with mental compulsions such as googling, researching, ruminating but it's the same concept)

My dd10 has really bad anxiety and OCD. Sometimes manifests as health anxiety and other times it’s about being sick. She gets worried she will eat too much be too full and then be sick ( it’s happened once at a wedding where she had cake sweets chips and a fizzy drink - then ran around crazy for awhile so just threw up ) she will sometimes be sat sobbing eating her food and forcing it down as she knows she has to eat but it’s so real in her mind that she will be sick. She’s also been on the waitlist for an ADHD assessment for a while now. I myself have ADHD and was chronically misdiagnosed for over a decade with anxiety and then post natal anxiety. Might be worth just filling in yourself initially an adhd /autism self referral form as a first step and just see what the out come is? Then you could always go through right to choose to get an assessment quicker (and still free as it’s under the NHS) so may women are misdiagnosed for years with OCD and Anxiety when actually they are neurodivergent. Good luck OP! Xx

Try this guy: https://www.davidsamson.co.uk/2022/01/14/hypnotherapy-for-emetophobia/

I didn't even really believe in hypnotherapy but was willing to try anything and it massively helped me. I'm not cured but I can manage my anxiety around it much better and it no longer consumes my thoughts. He's expensive but it was totally worth it and he does a free 30 min consultation. CBT didn't work for me at all and David explained why that was.

I know it doesn't feel like it but you can get to a place where your emetophobia doesn't control you anymore. Good luck.

Definitely try some EMDR OP, it's really good for things like this. It's tough, but no tougher than what you're already going through, and it is quicker.

Please go back to therapy. Now you know that CBT didn't work for you, there will be other options.

You cannot beat this type of thing with drugs, they just help you while you do the therapy. Its like going to a Physio to help you manage pain even though you have been given pain killers. Nothing is going to reorientate your behaviour like behaviour change therapy.

It is my opinion that when GPs put people on anti-anxiety/depression the expectation should always be with the view that they will need to stop it. Too many people I know are taking it and stuck on it with no resolutions in their symptoms.

EMDR can work but it is not the magic cure people portray it to be. Please also have talking therapy to address the underlying cause of anxiety to take the baseline anxiety down making the tolerance of vomit easier to achieve.

I suffer with severe emetophobia due to a childhood incident which resulted in ptsd. I also had the same experience as you on a bus! I actually used EMDR technique of left/right eye movement directly after this experience when I was ‘reliving’ it over and over and it has prevented the experience increasing my anxiety. (Still haven’t got on a bus since though!)

I had ten sessions of EMDR and holy shit it was a tough process, but it almost eradicated the intrusive thoughts. However I will never be cured, but I can manage day to day much better now. Hope it helps for you too. I also found listening daily to self hypnosis recordings (I chose one about confidence rather than relating to emetophobia) and that also really helped to calm my mind.

I totally understand. I also have this phobia and it totally rules my life. For example, last night I was at a film showing at a local community centre. I noticed one woman left the room for a long time before returning. I decided she must have left for so long because she was feeling ill. I couldn't deal with this so I left the film.

In my experience there is no point even trying to get medical help with this as a) people don't really care and b) there's not much to be done.

Your best option is paying for a private psychiatrist. GP’s aren’t specialist.

How do you manage at work?

Have you decided children are not going to be part of your life or would you like to have children?

I know you're only trying to help but this is the worst possible advice for an emetophobic person. I've had emetophobia since I was 8yrs old and I really wanted to have a child but was obviously terrified at the prospect of morning sickness. I had therapy enough to make the decision to get pregnant and then did indeed suffer morning sickness for 4 months. I spent those 4 months in a constant state of panic attacks, barely able to leave the house, calling in sick to work, worrying about the stress I was putting on the baby because of multiple daily panic attacks every time I threw up. This was 10yrs ago, I am STILL emetophobic. Absolutely glad I went through it to have my son but could never ever do it again.

I used to be so fearful of sick and people being sick. It was my biggest fear until I was early 20s.

i had only been sick twice in my life and the idea of it happening ever again was horrendous.

then one day I caught a bug and I was sick. And I realised I had to live through those minutes of my life. A year later I was sick again. And a few years later I was pregnant and had nausea to cope with.

it left no room for fear of sick. I genuinely think exposure ‘cured me’. I still wouldn’t want to be sick but I’m not terrified

Not got time to write a long post but the car phobia and emetophobia both could respond well to hypnotherapy/remedial hypnosis as they are based in the subconscious mind. Lots of info on my AMA and happy to answer any questions (once I've had my roots done this morning!!!).