Mum pressures me to turning up to every family event

[MikeL1993]

Bit of background, last weekend my sister got married and it was the perfect day. The lead up the wedding had been quite intense with different things being arranged for every weekend for about 8 weeks prior, my gf only has one weekend day off a week so we and our 1 year old son haven't been able to do "family stuff" just the three of us for a few weeks now. On Sunday morning after the wedding was over everyone was just talking and I brought up that me, my gf and our son will be having a day out this Saturday as we haven't been able to do that for a while, I was talking to my mum when I said this.

Come Monday morning and my mum messages everyone saying she wants everyone to get together this weekend to discuss the wedding. I tell her Saturday isn't good for us as we have plans but we are free Sunday afternoon once my gf is home from work, at first she was okay with this until one of my sisters said she isn't free Sunday. So my mum then rings me asking if I can do Saturday, I said no as she knows we have plans. I could sense it was going to descend into an argument so as a compromise I said we will be home early from our day out so we can all get together Saturday afternoon.

I don't know what is going on with her but as she is getting older she is getting worse when it comes to family gatherings and is constantly arguing with me when I say I have plans for something etc. We never used to argue when I lived at home but since I have moved out we constantly argue and I really don't know what to do about it. I have called her out on her behaviour in the past but she just doesn't seem to listen.

You need to stick to your guns and put your gf & son first. I wouldn’t be happy if the first day out planned for a long time was cut short just because your mum & sister want to meet on Saturday.

I'm far from happy, my gf was the one who talked me down in the end and said cutting our day short is less hassle than its worth to avoid another argument with my mum.

@MikeL1993 just stick to your guns.

The more often you decline (should you need to) she will realise soon enough you cannot be manipulated.

eta; don't change your plans, start as you mean to go on and don't worry about it.

Your girlfriend sounds kind, but you will both be storing up trouble for the future should you capitulate, in this instance.

This is absolutely nuts.

Why do you need to go and discuss a wedding that has already happened?

You have a 1 year old. Which means that very soon you need to learn the most important rule about toddlers……

NEVER ever reward behaviour that you want to discourage.

The rule also works for difficult mothers.

Honestly? I have no idea. Thing is I don't even know what I can discuss as I spent most of the day looking after our son and my 90 year old gran.

I do seriously think my mum is having mental issues at the moment.

Couldn’t have put it better myself.

@MikeL1993

"I do seriously think my mum is having mental issues at the moment."

she sounds like a manipulator and emotional blackmailer.

Stand your ground.

She sounds very controlling and it's interesting that you and your GF were expected to upend your plans in favour of your sister. I wouldn't go TBH. Just say it doesn't work. Sounds like you need a weekend off from them all. I agree with the poster saying you need to stamp out this behaviour by not acquiescing. She'll only keep on pushing boundaries and making you and particularly your GF unhappy

So your sister had plans for a day.
You had plans for a day

What did your mum say to your sister, did she moan at her?

You need to find out if it’s just you she moans at! Speak to your sister and see what she thinks. She might need to back you up when your mum starts having a pop at you to say no mum that’s not fair etc.

dig your heels in you have made plans no do not back down. also I would like to know what om earth do they need to get together and discuss the wedding after its all done ? when I got married I didn't see my family till a few weeks after my wedding. I bloody seen enough of them in the run up and on the day needed a breather from them all

Thing is in this family we are not allowed to say we need a breather from each other.

need to start putting boundaries in place then. I did and even though it caused issues and now classed as the black sheep of the family I only see them about once a month. life is busy you have a child and your own family to look after.

Why does your mum still treat you like a child? Are you the youngest?

Of course you are. You have a young child which means you need to manage your own time carefully. If there’s any left you can get involved in as much or as little extended family stuff as you want.

It is ridiculous to act in the manner you describe. Just break the cycle and soon your preferences will become accepted by all.

No way would I attend any meeting, event or function if it caused me issues in my own immediate family. You just need to be a bit more assertive and not be so passive.

Why do you need to discuss the wedding anyway? On Saturday just text ‘Sorry, can’t make today. Hope you all have a great time’,and then turn off your phone. Someone is going to be upset so it may as well not be you.

you don't say "we need a breather", just "sorry, you already have plans"

I'm the middle child between my two sisters.

OK, but that doesn't mean you can't put some reasonable boundaries in place.

What she is asking is too much.

You already said you weren't available on Saturday. You already committed your girlfriend to being dragged round to your mum's house on Sunday after she finished work to discuss the bloody wedding, which is probably not what she wanted to do with her Sunday afternoon anyway. Now you're letting yourselves be emotionally manipulated into cutting short your plans on Saturday for a completely unnecessary family get together, to do something you don't want to do and which doesn't need to be done (discuss a wedding that has already happened) with family members you have seen every weekend for the last two months.

What is needed here is a breezy, "It's OK, we don't really need to have a wedding debrief, you guys go ahead on Saturday and we will catch up with you some other time. It's been so long since we spent the day together just the three of us, and we're really looking forward to taking DS to the zoo."

Then if there's any pushback, you say, "Mum, I don't understand what the problem is. We don't need to see each other every weekend. We are allowed to do things which don't involve the whole family if we want to. Sometimes we want to do other things, either just the three of us or with our friends or with GF's family. We don't have to live in each others pockets all the time. You won't be on your own on Saturday, you'll be with DSis. And we will be at the zoo, as planned."

You have made your own primary family now, your mother and sisters are now secondary to YOUR families needs and wants.
You get to decide how much interaction you deem appropriate, if you want a breather then that's absolutely reasonable and your mother will have to like it or lump it!

You're an adult, of course you're allowed to say you need a breather.

If saying you need a breather results in your mum having a tantrum, let her have her tantrum and tell her you'll see her when she's calmed down.

Do this every time she has a tantrum.

Don't say it then, just say "I'm sorry, I'm busy that day with plans that can't be cancelled"

And repeat.

You are a parent now so you need to prioritise your immediately family.

And what on earth needs discussing after a wedding?

I would do what another poster said and just text on Saturday that you can't come. Maybe say that you don't have anything to discuss as you just looked after your son and grandma, so won't be missed. Then turn your phone off.

So what if she blows up. She will get over it.

8 weeks in a row of family events is too much. No idea why she wants to keep meeting.

Aren't the bride and groom on their honeymoon? Or have they got to attend also?

Their honeymoon isn't for another 4 weeks yet

If you are old enough to have a gf AND a child, you are old enough to say NO!
What is your mother going to do? Shout, scream.. drag you home by the hair??
" No can do... we are busy."
End of discussion. You are not responsible for her action or her reaction.
Prioritise your relationship with your child and your gf. This is YOUR life.
She doesn't get to dictate.