Mum pressures me to turning up to every family event

[MikeL1993]

Bit of background, last weekend my sister got married and it was the perfect day. The lead up the wedding had been quite intense with different things being arranged for every weekend for about 8 weeks prior, my gf only has one weekend day off a week so we and our 1 year old son haven't been able to do "family stuff" just the three of us for a few weeks now. On Sunday morning after the wedding was over everyone was just talking and I brought up that me, my gf and our son will be having a day out this Saturday as we haven't been able to do that for a while, I was talking to my mum when I said this.

Come Monday morning and my mum messages everyone saying she wants everyone to get together this weekend to discuss the wedding. I tell her Saturday isn't good for us as we have plans but we are free Sunday afternoon once my gf is home from work, at first she was okay with this until one of my sisters said she isn't free Sunday. So my mum then rings me asking if I can do Saturday, I said no as she knows we have plans. I could sense it was going to descend into an argument so as a compromise I said we will be home early from our day out so we can all get together Saturday afternoon.

I don't know what is going on with her but as she is getting older she is getting worse when it comes to family gatherings and is constantly arguing with me when I say I have plans for something etc. We never used to argue when I lived at home but since I have moved out we constantly argue and I really don't know what to do about it. I have called her out on her behaviour in the past but she just doesn't seem to listen.

Yes you are. Your mum doesn’t LIKE it, but you are allowed to. You can live your life however you want.

I had similar from my mum and took far too long to realise that it’s ok to say no and have boundaries (like well into my 40s too long!). I bitterly regret letting her have such a hold on me and my own family. You’re not the one ‘in the wrong’ and you, your partner and child are the priority family unit.

Have a read about FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. It’s an eye opener and should help you release yourself from constantly appeasing your mum/family at the expense of your own feelings, wants and needs and/or those of your partner.

You sound lovely by the way. It IS ok to say no and stick to your guns, you’ve just been trained not to do this. Be prepared for your mum to enlist other people to have a go at you if you do say no (they’re called ‘flying monkeys e.g your sister might ring and say ‘you’ve really upset mum…’ or your dad might say ‘we’re not impressed by your behaviour’ etc. It’s all manipulative bullshit).

I'm going to be very blunt.

Either you grow a backbone and start setting limits to your mother, or you and your own immediate family become subordinate to her.

It's hard to break free from a domineering parent, or parents, but it's also part of really becoming an adult.

Why do people keep resurrecting old threads?! This was from July last year!

This is a pretty old thread. I am quite weirded out by the idea of having wedding related plans for someone else’s wedding every weekend for eight weeks though. By the time the wedding comes around, no one would feel like celebrating.

Why the need to discuss the wedding

it happened

end of