Mum pressures me to turning up to every family event

[MikeL1993]

Bit of background, last weekend my sister got married and it was the perfect day. The lead up the wedding had been quite intense with different things being arranged for every weekend for about 8 weeks prior, my gf only has one weekend day off a week so we and our 1 year old son haven't been able to do "family stuff" just the three of us for a few weeks now. On Sunday morning after the wedding was over everyone was just talking and I brought up that me, my gf and our son will be having a day out this Saturday as we haven't been able to do that for a while, I was talking to my mum when I said this.

Come Monday morning and my mum messages everyone saying she wants everyone to get together this weekend to discuss the wedding. I tell her Saturday isn't good for us as we have plans but we are free Sunday afternoon once my gf is home from work, at first she was okay with this until one of my sisters said she isn't free Sunday. So my mum then rings me asking if I can do Saturday, I said no as she knows we have plans. I could sense it was going to descend into an argument so as a compromise I said we will be home early from our day out so we can all get together Saturday afternoon.

I don't know what is going on with her but as she is getting older she is getting worse when it comes to family gatherings and is constantly arguing with me when I say I have plans for something etc. We never used to argue when I lived at home but since I have moved out we constantly argue and I really don't know what to do about it. I have called her out on her behaviour in the past but she just doesn't seem to listen.

There was wedding stuff arranged every weekend for the EIGHT WEEKS prior to the wedding?! Dear god, you need a medal if you attended even half of that

This is completely insane. You don't need some strange wedding debrief and you don't need to all be living in each others pockets like this. As others said, put your foot down. I wouldn't even offer to compromise with cutting your day short - that sets a dangerous precedent. 'We have plans that day Mum so can't make it' - rinse and repeat. Do not start explaining or justifying.

I get it by the way. My parents are very controlling and demanding. I started saying no / being busy / getting more independent years ago and it was very scary. They were low key furious for a while but they survived and my life is a lot more peaceful now.

You are allowed, you're a grown up. You can say whatever the hell you want.

The only reason you won't do it is because you don't want to deal with the fall out.

Put some boundaries in place, and when your family inevitably fall out with you over it, ignore them and enjoy the space from them.

So?

Just because they don't have anything better to do on Saturday doesn't mean you don't.

Do you think they will also sit on ceremony every weekend when they have a child?

I assume it's your mum who has installed the idea of how your family acts over the years but that family unit doesn't exist anymore.
You now have a family unit of your own and it certainly includes your mum and sisters but they are not the centre.
The decisions now need to come from you and you all need to grow and change together as adults. If your mum won't do that or is to stubborn to understand that's what happens then that's her problem and you'll grow away from her.

What’s probably happened is that your mum has really enjoyed this time with the family and she is trying to keep it going.

She’s not considering how this doesn’t fit in with everyone’s lives. In times gone by, Sundays might have been spent with wider family (lunch in granny’s etc) but for better or worse life has changed. I’d just gently say ‘look mum with other commitments we just can’t do this saturday but we will see you soon’

Start distancing yourself from your mother. Your girlfriend and son come first. As for a meeting to discuss the wedding - are you going to review each aspect and see how to make improvements for next time? Bonkers.

That's the thing, I was the last to move out but became very independent almost immediately. My mum still goes round to both my sisters twice a week to clean their houses and do their washing for them.

Despite what you see on mumsnet, there is nothing wr

This ^
I think your mum forgot how demanding it is to have a small child plus nowadays it’s even more demanding.
I would go this Saturday as you promised and it’s better to stick to your word but next time I would say no I’m busy and wouldn’t go into details. For the first 3 weekends I would plan something unmovable, just to set a precedent.

'My mum still goes round to both my sisters twice a week to clean their houses and do their washing for them.'

She sounds like one of those parents who has no life and no identity outside of being a parent. Very unhealthy for all involved

Stand firm - you are allowed to say no, and it's really important that you're living your own life and not just being her puppet

You have your own family now. You're a grown-up who no longer has to do what your mother wants you to do.

Do what suits you and your family, and you choose to either go or not go to family events. And ignore her tantrums.

You need to practice the word No ! Why is your DSis time more precious than yours - she can’t do Sunday so you get summoned for Saturday. You need to stand up for yourself and prioritise your family time. I suspect this has been a pattern of behaviour for some time as you are seen as the one to people please. By changing your answer you are rewarding your mum’s bad behaviour. Stick to your guns and say I’m sorry this doesn’t work for us this weekend and start putting in place boundaries for you and your family. Your parents / siblings don’t get to dictate what your family schedule should be.

I say the word no quite often but then what happens is my mum, has a tantrum, complains to my dad, he then has an argument with me and me and my gf back down. It is getting tiresome having this same routine every few weeks or months. I feel as though we cannot have our own lives.

That's because you keep giving in to it.

My daughter is two. When she has a tantrum our response is to not give her what she wants, but to give her the space to calm down. Our logic is that if we give her what she wants when she screams at us, she will just scream at us all the time.

Treat your mum like a two year old. Let her have a tantrum, and wait for her to calm down. Teach her that having a tantrum is not going to work.

If your dad is putting pressure on you because he has to deal with her tantrums, that's his problem. If he's been married to her for a long time then he also is partly responsible for the way she behaves.

But one thing is for sure, you will never have your own lives for as long as your mum continues to believe (correctly, it appears) that having a tantrum is the way to get what she wants.

You are allowed to say whatever you want. You are an independent adult with your own family. I suggest you learn to stand up for yourself

The backing down is where you're going wrong. You need to ride it out until they accept you're not going to.

I think another reason I back down is because my mum has our son on a Tuesday whilst we are working so we still need her help in that regard, we have asked our sons nursery if they have any availability for a Tuesday but as of yet they dont. If and when space becomes available we will seriously consider taking Tuesday's off her.

I sympathise here.

My DM did childcare for mine - paid at a child minder rate so not a favour, but she held it over us then and now.

It really altered our dynamic and whereas i was and am grateful, the expectation that i should be forever in her debt has resulted in a weird and not great relationship.

Move your DC as soon as you can and have a more level relationship with her your DM, as it sounds like she isn’t going to be able to resist the ‘you owe me’

The words "you owe me" have never come out of her mouth but I am starting to think she would use this against me. We really don't ask much from her or my dad, they never offer to babysit and we don't ask anymore because we think that if they were genuinely wanting to babysit then they would have done at least once so that me and my gf can spend a few hours together.

You need to find other childcare asap. Even if it means you and your DP take turns to have a day off work once a fortnight each on a Tuesday for a couple of months until you can arrange something permanent.

You have your own family now and they must come first. Your Mum and sister come after them now. Your Mum is having a hard time accepting this but you are kicking the can down the road if you keep putting your Mum and sisters wants ahead of your own, your gf and DC. You have already given up lots of weekends to your Mum and sister. Give your gf and DC attention because over time if you keep neglecting them in favour of your Mum and sister you'll lose them.

And other family members too

I think if that was my parents I would just move far far away, they’re only going to get worse as they age.

Well your mother isn't likely to change at this point and you have no control over that. The only thing you can control is how you deal with it. You'll have to weigh up which is worse - this behaviour goes on for years and years, potentially getting worse and eroding your independence and sense of self more and more, and no doubt your girlfriend would at some point have enough and leave, taking your child with her. It's not a pretty picture. Or you can start sticking to some boundaries from now. Yes, you'll have to deal with some tantrums at first but she'll get used to the new relationship status in time. Meanwhile your own family unit will be far stronger for you putting them first. It's hard either way but you can choose which version of hard works best for you.

Family pressure is hard work, so I am with you in solidarity, OP! Throw in the guilt tripping and all of the rest of it, and it gets a bit much! The last time was my sibling's wedding, because, "Your sibling will never forgive you!" Why do I even care? I don't like them, I'm not close to them, and would cheerfully never see them again if it wasn't for the odd family get-together! (We are complete opposites, and only started getting on better when they moved out. Then we could have polite conversations, like you have with a stranger).

I partly solved this by moving far away. It is nice to have breathing space, and nobody knows my work schedule/calendar, so they can't fill it up with things that I don't want to do. Also, a nervous breakdown and somehow developing the confidence to say, "No!" came in useful.