DD (15) and her boyfriend. Please help me navigate this

[InternetPortal]

DD and new boyfriend are 15. First relationship for both. They're not having sex (so far), but it sounds like the physical stuff is ramping up quickly. I feel like she's just too young to deal with this emotionally (but not sure whether this is just me projecting as I was more like 18 when I had my first physical relationship), but it's obviously out of my control. She has said she feels like she can say no to anything she doesn't want to do and feels safe with her boyfriend. She's talking to me about it quite a lot (including getting reassurance that I don't think she's "being a slag" or doing anything "wrong" - obviously I reassure on this). I'm pretty sure that if I say "I think you're too young", I think she will just stop talking to me, so I'm mostly just listening (we've even had a laugh about some things, but then I worry I'm acting too much like her "mate" and need to get back into authoritarian mode). But I'm worried I'm letting her down by not telling her I think she really needs to wait. Help. I don't feel prepared for this as a parent and am worried I'm getting it all wrong. It's all so sudden - a few weeks ago, I didn't even know she fancied boys. Any wise mums to help, please?

I think the fact your daughter is talking to you about those kinds if things is great. I wouldn’t have told my mum anything at that age.

You can talk about sex without it being a stern talking to, remind her about safe sex and being emotionally ready when you are having these conversations, and that she can come to you any time with questions without judgement, (I wouldn’t use words like slag etc,)and hope she listens to your advice.

Some teenagers will find away to do what they want to do even if they “aren’t allowed” so you might not be able to stop them having sex even if you wan’t to. I’d say being open and supportive as you are is the best thing to do for now.

It's really good that she is talking to you about what's happening.

But I do think you are letting her down if you don't try and talk to her about needing to wait until she is older to have her first sexual relationship. She is still a child. She is still legally unable to consent to sex. And it sounds as though, if this is her first boyfriend and its a very new relationship, things are happening far too fast.

You obviously have a close relationship with her so if you approach this from the view of concern rather than judgement then hopefully she will listen. Ultimately it's your job as a mother to do this.

Thank you both. Really helpful.

I absolutely agree, @Standardpain . She and I have talked about it being too young to be a full sexual relationship. But this blurred line around "other stuff"... where is the line? I don't know what I'm meant to advise.

Thats great she is communicating with you.

You do need to ensure she is prepared to nake a choice contraception wise, talk to her about the pill, implant and condoms.

She needs to know it is okay to wait if thats what she wants. In fact if he cares about her at all he will wait until she is ready and not pressure her. Age of consent is 16. If he is older this is something to consider. If she is the one who is keen to experiment tell her thats normal and healthy and just to make sure that he is too!

Also speak to her about sexting and photos. Ensure she does nothing or shares nothing that she will regret later down the line.

She needs you to be the adult for her. She needs to know its okay to back off. Show her the tea and consent video from youtube

Thank you. I will Google the Tea and Consent video.

She has said she feels like she can say no to anything she doesn't want to do

I think her saying this is quite concerning.
Of course it's good that she feels she can say no - although tbh it doesnt sound as though she is totally confident about this.
But it certainly gives the impression her boyfriend is pressurising her to some extent. And at the very least he is leading the way in making the relationship sexual.

Please ensure she has contraception asap OP. Events can take over in the heat of the moment.

I agree. Those are not her exact words - I asked her and she said absolutely yes she could. But I do think he is possibly driving things more than she is.

Boyfriend will be driving things along I am sure. He is a randy young man and following his instincts!

Your DD needs to be very careful about the whole social media thing. Young people are in a difficult situation now. If she says No and the relationship ends, there is the risk he will put out on social media that she is frigid, if she says Yes then she is a slag.

And absolutely no photos of any kind! She must take this on board.

This young man will have seen plenty of porn - they all have. And sometimes this drives their behaviour and expectations.

The key to the whole thing is who this young man is. Have you met him? How does he seem? How does he treat her when you are around? Is he respectful to you? Your DD needs to be armed with all the right information, which I am sure you have given.

She is currently under age which needs to be clearly reiterated.

I have 3 adult DDs - been there, done all this! I am glad I am out the other side now!

I’d just be very strict on sexting and photos as a pp has said.

I’d also think about her schedule and what her free times and summers look like. There’s plenty of time for all that. I am less worried about hand jobs, more about the hormonal and emotional pressure of a sexual relationship at 15 when life should be friends, parties, hobbies and school.

There is a tendency when this comes up for posters to swan in and think the openness is fantastic and ‘as long as they are safe!!!’ but I think it’s become normalised (especially by the adults involved) to support faux adult relationships between two teens.

They are young and in love and hormonal- but I would be taking the wheels off a bit. I wouldn’t be encouraging his presence and family dinners or holidays where he is seen as a ‘partner’ and I’d take a dim view to his parents doing the same.

i think at this time, as much as finances allow, I would be encouraging her to do volunteering and group trips aimed at her age. And saying yes and supporting any hobby.

i may be an outlier- but i honestly think it’s more healthy for older teens to have these ‘experiences’ (as long as they are armed with knowledge!) in a more casual situation. I have personally seen a lot of upset from children who were propped up my the adults involved to have a ‘partner’ at 15.

But basically- i’d be keeping her busy and making sure she had other stuff going on than heavy petting with the door ajar.

I have two sons, this is how our conversations went. We talked about the legal age of sex as being 16. We talked about mutual pleasure and that a girl's body is not your private playground for you alone. We talked about other things that are not sex but are very pleasurable. We gave them condoms to practise putting on so that when the time came it wouldn't be new to them. We talked about repeated enthusiastic consent. We talked about the illegality of sharing any photos being under 18 and also it can be shared around at a touch of a button. We also told them it was not normal, not everyone does it and you have to live with knowing that photo is out of your control once shared.

We talked about pregnancy, they love MN and they know how many adult women post on here about accidental unplanned pregnancies. They understand that you can take the contraceptive pill, have sex without a condom, the girl gets ill and your sperm can live inside her for days meaning she is potentially unprotected from her pill. We talked about only ever having sex without a condom if you are willing to have a baby. Look we all know it never feels as good without a condom and so if wearing a condom is all they ever know then they should always wear one.

We talked about the difference between medical and surgical abortions and where to go for advice, including that our door is always open. Several reasons why we took this very open and honest approach. I never had these conversations with my own parents. My Mum didn't even tell me about periods! Both Dh and I were in "long term" relationships at 16 and in sixth form for a couple of years where we both had brilliant sexual experiences with the people we were with and were glad that we had that rather than a quick shag in the park.

But we look back and realise we were also young and emotional and that those relationships were very unlikely to ever last. I would encourage her to see her mates, don't make him her entire world as those friends might not want to be dropped and suddenly taken back up again when the relationship ends. Invite him round for dinner and chat to him. No closed doors of bedrooms at all.

Me and my husband were together and sexually active at 15. I think it’s naive to think teenage relationships aren’t sometimes just as serious and often a lot more intense than adult relationships. I have worked with countless young people who were parents at that age and it didn’t matter if their parents encouraged the relationship or forbade it.

OP keep talking to her, be someone she can confide in, give good advice when possible and encourage her to think for herself. She’s only a child for another year and only a minor for three and she needs to be able to make decisions about her body for the rest of her life.

Gosh, you're all being so helpful - thank you.

I'm feeling now like I've been too lax about it all, and treating her as too "adult". I should probably clarify that there really hasn't been that much going on between them (and all pretty much fully clothed) to date - it's just that it's been ramping up.

Fortunately, he's about to go abroad for 3 weeks with his family, so there is definite breathing space. I will 100% warn about photos. I think she's pretty well informed about that, but will remind her. Then I will think about some chats over the next 3 weeks about dialling it back, and I might get more strict about open doors in rooms as well.

Thank you again. Any more wisdom - I'll keep reading.

Thank you. This makes me feel better about not having been stricter/more negative about what has been happening to date.

Good advice about photos and sexting. Be really clear about the potential consequences of any images or words being in anyone else’s possession… I know they’re all loved up right now but if things go wrong it could get nasty.

I also think it’s good advice to encourage her to keep busy, do stuff with other friends etc. You say this has gone from her not even showing any sign of interest in boys to having this relationship within a few weeks. It sounds intense tbh. You weren’t aware she fancied boys and you’re now having discussions with her about sex. She’s only 15 and a healthy relationship at this stage would mean still having lots of other friendships and interests.

im not disagreeing about the importance of talking with her, its great you have a close relationship. But just keep it in perspective. They’re 15 and first boyfriend/ girlfriend to each other. Ideally it should be fun but realistically it probably won’t last long so it’s essential to keep other friendships/ hobbies/ schoolwork etc at the forefront too

My advice would be to think back to when you were a teenager

@InternetPortal I had this conversation with my godson when he was that age. His mum was single, and he had little interaction with his father, so I was a different male perspective.

I approached it by separating the biology from the emotional side. I spent way more time on the emotional side of the connection between two people, and that this shouldn't be influenced by peer pressure, pressure from partner, or social expectations. Playground talk will be full of bullshit and whatever he'd heard from his friends is likely either false or heavily exaggerated, especially so as a gentleman never tells.

20 odd years later he told me how much difference that it had made to have had that conversation without being preached at.

Not sure if any of this will help you, but hopefully there is something there that might.

If she’s wanting reassurance from you that she’s not ‘being a slag’ then tbh it sounds like there’s a lot of physical stuff going on, short of actual penis in vagina. If they’re just holding hands, having a cuddle and kissing, I think it’s highly unlikely that the idea of being a ‘slag’ would be on her radar. So I suspect an awful lot of heavy physical stuff is already happening.

how close are they both to 16? If they’re both going to turn 16 within a few weeks then at least it get around the legality aspect, though of course it doesn’t necessarily mean either are emotionally ready.

there’s a big difference between almost 16 and just turned 15.

I still think a key thing is to ensure she’s not so wrapped up in this that she drops her friends and other interests. Realistically, the likelihood is it won’t last and she’ll probably still see him at school/ college or in the local area. So the important thing is not to feel pressured into things she might regret, and not to invest everything into a first teenage relationship.

Thanks. Apparently people get called "slag" just for kissing in her friendship group, so I think there isn't as much physical stuff as you might imagine from this.

…. Which for me is even more of a sign of her naivety. If this is the sort of language being bandied about in her peer group, it doesn’t indicate a balanced and healthy attitude towards relationships. I’m not being judgemental in a personal way, simply stating that this kind of attitude among teenage girls and boys feels very immature

holding hands, kissing, cuddling are all very normal for 15 year olds and if she’s hearing negative language around it from her peers, it’s not helping her to have perspective.

I would reassure her that kissing and holding hands is what a girlfriend and boyfriend normally do.
The physical stuff ramping up to touching and mutual masturbation is only for when she feels emotionally ready, and with an understanding that once it’s gone that far, it’s likely a short step to full sex.

I think she needs to know that blow jobs etc are still part of sex and sexual acts. Just because they won't get her pregnant

Agree

This

Yes, I agree with this.

Thank you all again. I'm so pleased we have these 3 weeks while he's out of the country. Although I might not have been wonderful at managing this so far, she's still talking with me and I think/hope this means I can attempt some more cautioning conversations with her before she has the opportunity to see him again.
I might also be more asiduous about making sure bedroom door stays open at all times(?)

While he's out of the country you need to be repeatedly reminding her about photos. That's prime time for one to be sent