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Original poster

DD (15) and her boyfriend. Please help me navigate this

53 replies

InternetPortal · 22/07/2025 08:45

DD and new boyfriend are 15. First relationship for both. They're not having sex (so far), but it sounds like the physical stuff is ramping up quickly. I feel like she's just too young to deal with this emotionally (but not sure whether this is just me projecting as I was more like 18 when I had my first physical relationship), but it's obviously out of my control. She has said she feels like she can say no to anything she doesn't want to do and feels safe with her boyfriend. She's talking to me about it quite a lot (including getting reassurance that I don't think she's "being a slag" or doing anything "wrong" - obviously I reassure on this). I'm pretty sure that if I say "I think you're too young", I think she will just stop talking to me, so I'm mostly just listening (we've even had a laugh about some things, but then I worry I'm acting too much like her "mate" and need to get back into authoritarian mode). But I'm worried I'm letting her down by not telling her I think she really needs to wait. Help. I don't feel prepared for this as a parent and am worried I'm getting it all wrong. It's all so sudden - a few weeks ago, I didn't even know she fancied boys. Any wise mums to help, please?

OP posts:
Rootsdarling2 · 22/07/2025 12:25

What about contraception? Have you discussed if DD wants you start taking something just in case!

gattocattivo · 22/07/2025 12:26

On the last point - yes! TBH I would really encourage your dd to go out anyway rather than be in the bedroom. Cinema, coffee, park….
If they want to chill, watch TV at home, could you give over the sitting room to them for a bit rather than letting them disappear into a bedroom? It just makes the boundaries a little clearer I think. They’re less likely to get physical sitting on the sofa downstairs than on her bed upstairs.

TheLivelyViper · 22/07/2025 12:36

@InternetPortal Ask her if she wants contraception doesn't have to be medical could be dental dams, female condom etc. Talk to her about masturbation (let her know it's normal for boys and girls) and can let her know what she finds more pleasurable. Also tell her to male sure she cocommunicate during sex (consent can be withdrawn at any time, and go with yes means yes to consent approach). As in she and him should be both be giving enthusiastic yes to sex - if not then don't just go ahead because someone is silent etc.

Go over things to know e.g virgintiy is a social construct, having sex doesn't mean you give away anything to a man or he 'takes something from you. It's just a pleasurable experience and it won't make her 'a slut' or anything - hate the way boys are praised for it and girls are shamed. Make sure she knows her body isn't shameful etc. Also go over porn (she might have seen it, he might have) - it's okay is she wasn't to do something weird, that they might have see. Teach her that porn is not like real sex and that it's faked etc, she doesn't need to feel any pressure to do certain things. Above all, sex is as much for girls as it is for boys. She is allowed to feel pleasure from it, also tell her that penetrative sex only leads to orgasm for a very small amount of women (on its own) 'teach about the clitoris and that the most pleasure comes from there - it's as important that she enjoys it as he does. Use the correct terms etc.

Also go over condoms, contraception etc. If he agrees to use a condom and then takes it off. That is not okay - known as stealthing and counts as sexual assult. Great drama on this you could watch together, on BBC IPlayer - called I May Destroy You (really recommend to start conversations and education).

Also, even though legal age of consent is 16 - it will only be seen as illegal if they are very different ages e.g a 17 year old with 15 year old. Two 15 year old is fine as long as both consent so don't scare her too much on that.

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Families
Original poster
InternetPortal · 22/07/2025 13:55

Thank you all.

This has been extremely helpful.

We've had a very productive chat and it's clear that: 1) she will definitely not be sending any photos etc to anyone, and 2) she's decided independently that she wants to slow things down, and has already made that clear to him, and he's agreed with her that anything other than kissing will be off the cards for now. I'm pretty impressed with how she's dealing with it TBH. She's been so thoughtful and open about it.

Thanks again for helping me. I know this is a moving situation, but for now I think it's more manageable again.

OP posts:
Original poster
InternetPortal · 22/07/2025 13:56

By moving I mean dynamic/changing, not emotional!

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/07/2025 23:22

InternetPortal · 22/07/2025 13:55

Thank you all.

This has been extremely helpful.

We've had a very productive chat and it's clear that: 1) she will definitely not be sending any photos etc to anyone, and 2) she's decided independently that she wants to slow things down, and has already made that clear to him, and he's agreed with her that anything other than kissing will be off the cards for now. I'm pretty impressed with how she's dealing with it TBH. She's been so thoughtful and open about it.

Thanks again for helping me. I know this is a moving situation, but for now I think it's more manageable again.

What a parenting win for you that's she's able to talk about all this with you, and to be confident in her boundaries. You should be very proud of yourself and of her! X

Mischance · 22/07/2025 23:40

Well done OP - you are handling this so well.

Oblomov25 · 23/07/2025 06:09

Op has handled this so well so far.

Judecb · 23/07/2025 18:33

You obviously have a very good relationship with your daughter - well done. I would just suggest she shows caution and if she's ever in a situation where she feels pressure, she should get out. From my point of view, it's still to young for sex, but I appreciate every situation is different. Just keep the dialogue going between you.

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 23/07/2025 18:46

Ive had this discussion from being young. My mum used to say to me. The pleasure of the flesh are the hardest to resist. Anyways at 14 my dd had the implant fitted. She also has the pill for periods whilst on the implant. Ive said I will not be a grandma to irresponsible teen behaviour and if they got pregnant and decided to keep the baby they have to move out. Old enough to have a baby old enough to live in your own home.

Laura95167 · 23/07/2025 19:03

"Its funny you know, its hard for me to be sure Im giving you the right answers. I want you to talk to me and I will never judge you, but because Im your mum sometimes I worry, maybe too much. Its more the emotional side I think you need to be careful with, but I trust your judgement. I love you"

YetAnotherNewNameAgain · 23/07/2025 19:05

If she has to ask or look to you for reassurance, then she's probably not ready

Vinomummyinlockdown · 23/07/2025 22:27

I’ll tell all those with the open bedroom door policy this … things will still happen and actually even worse because my daughter tells me a LOT and most of her 15 year old friends are having sex in the park / forest walk ways etc during parties / when parents are away so I’d say a good honest chat about contraception and the results of carelessness are key

BlueFlowers5 · 24/07/2025 07:33

Id get her on birth control if I were you.

CurlewKate · 24/07/2025 08:10

@InternetPortalas far as I can see, you haven’t mentioned contraception. And is there any chance that she can broaden her friendship group to include some other young people that don’t call each other “slags”? They don’t all, you know!

DifferentChoicesTooLate · 24/07/2025 08:23

@InternetPortal We are facing very similar situation as you. I’m slightly at odds with my DH who is inviting boyfriend to family stuff and I’m saying no. This thread has helped me be more confident in my boundaries of what is and is not ok. I’ve just spoken to DH today he needs to be cautious!

I’ve spoken repeatedly with my kids about photos - I work in child protection field - but I’m still worried about it as can see how infatuated she is with him! Bloody mobile phones have a lot to answer for!

VioletandDill · 24/07/2025 08:24

I'd be making sure she is on/has plenty of contraception now to be honest. It didn't sound like they're far off and I wouldn't trust two 15 year olds not to. As PP said, it's not unlikely they'll find somewhere else even with door open policy. It's only a matter of time. My mum dragged me to the doctors to get the pill as soon as I came home with a love bite (classy) at 15. Didn't do it until 17, but still - sensible!
I'd make sure she knows two things - PIV isn't the be all and end all, and clitoris's have 8000 nerve endings to the boys' 4000!

DifferentChoicesTooLate · 24/07/2025 08:25

@InternetPortal sorry to hyjack your thread but a question for you and for anyone else reading….

Do you limit the amount of time they snap/WhatsApp/communication if choice

My DD and her BF are constantly snapping and it drives me crazy. It just feels like she does not concentrate on anything else.

Original poster
InternetPortal · 24/07/2025 19:27

Thank you all again.

So much food for thought.

My middle daughter (18) hasn't had a boyfriend or girlfriend at all, so I think this makes it seem even younger to me, and my oldest daughter (21) is a lesbian and only came out last year.

People saying that they're limiting things like invitations to family meals - this is really interesting to me. I was going in the OTHER direction with it if anything - thinking that it was best to keep them involved in wholesome family life as much as possible so that it was all open and busy...? But now I'm thinking again.

Thanks so much to people saying I'm dealing with it well. I am actually pretty at sea, so the fact my DD's doing well with it so far feels like an "in spite of" rather than "because of" me. But thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
InternetPortal · 24/07/2025 19:28

DifferentChoicesTooLate · 24/07/2025 08:25

@InternetPortal sorry to hyjack your thread but a question for you and for anyone else reading….

Do you limit the amount of time they snap/WhatsApp/communication if choice

My DD and her BF are constantly snapping and it drives me crazy. It just feels like she does not concentrate on anything else.

Gosh I get this question totally, and have no answer to it. I also don't know what to do about my old rule of no phone after 10, because it now seems a bit stupid so I've gone lax on it. Feel your pain....

OP posts:
SharpLily · 24/07/2025 19:45

The fact that she can have these conversations with you is amazing and shows you definitely are getting it right. I really hope my daughters will be able to do the same with me.

I know you're worried about being too 'mate' instead of mother but if you start going authoritarian she is likely to clam up and that bond you have will be ruined. You're right to want to have the conversations but frame it from a place of worry rather than telling her what to do just for the sake of trying to parent.

If you feel it's not working - either she isn't listening or you don't feel you've got your point across properly, could one of your older daughters talk to her? I realise from what you've told us about them that they may not seem like the obvious vehicle for this message but the dynamic between them will be very different to that of mother/daughter.

Hankunamatata · 24/07/2025 20:47

I think decent contraception in place before sex happens is a must especially the likes of the pill where you need to member to take it.
Also being informed that sperm gets you pregnant even if they are not having penetrative sex

CurlewKate · 24/07/2025 21:41

@InternetPortal-contraception?

Rootsdarling2 · 25/07/2025 21:05

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 23/07/2025 18:46

Ive had this discussion from being young. My mum used to say to me. The pleasure of the flesh are the hardest to resist. Anyways at 14 my dd had the implant fitted. She also has the pill for periods whilst on the implant. Ive said I will not be a grandma to irresponsible teen behaviour and if they got pregnant and decided to keep the baby they have to move out. Old enough to have a baby old enough to live in your own home.

Yikes

BashfulClam · 25/07/2025 21:20

Please ensure she is on contraception before anything dies happen as we all know how things ca. just progress physically. Please get condoms and talk about how to apply them so she is comfortable with them. Make them available easily.

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