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Original poster

I just don't want to see her that often!

66 replies

Tothink · 19/07/2025 12:57

MIL is needy, overbearing, INVOLVED and not in a helpful or good way. She has never done anything to help us, considering she lives about 15 minutes away, she has never offered to look after one of our children, she has never cooked a meal or been helpful during situations such as c section recovery. By no means am I expecting her to have the children whenever we ask or come round with a freezer load of meals, but just on occasion it would have been nice if she just lifted a finger, like we have done for her.

She wants me to take the children to her house on a regular basis / go out with her and the children into town for lunch etc. Always on her terms. She would never take them on her own despite always stating 'she wants to see them'. She is not old and is physically able to.

I always politely decline her invitations, because at this point I just feel like...

A. If it wasn't for DH, I wouldn't choose to ever befriend her (different people, different age group, different interests and views on life)
B. ...plus I find her boring
C. I haven't exactly built up a respectful relationship with her due to her unhelpful and slightly deluded nature - had she been different ie, on hand from time to time, actually made the effort to properly get to know our children instead of chucking some sweets at them whenever she sees them, things probably would have been different
D. I generally just don't like her all that much (clearly)

The problem is (well I think it is) with DH, as it is his mother. I thought by now she would have got the message considering 9/10 times I make up an excuse so that I don't have to see her. Unfortunately she has not got this message and still asks very regularly which is making things awkward, annoying and draining for me.

I can't very well turn around to DH and bluntly say 'I don't like your mum, tell her to leave me alone' but can't help but feel it is HIS responsibility to take the kids to see her on his days off/she should be arranging to go for lunch or coffee with HIM and the kids - not me?!

Just because I love her son, unfortunately does not mean I am automatically going to love her. I just want to be able to see her on the odd occasion, every 2/3 months.. call up IF I feel like it, or answer her calls without DREADING being asked to meet up every week.

What do I do.. because it is SO regular and I don't want to look like the worlds biggest, coldest bitch...

OP posts:
MauriceTheMussel · 19/07/2025 12:59

You absolutely can tell your DH you don’t like her and want to be left alone!

Just because you married him doesn’t mean you have to like her. If he reacts badly, then he can deal with her…which he won’t want to do nor take on the life admin for.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 19/07/2025 13:00

There's a happy medium between every week and every 3 months. How far away is she?
But yes dh should facilitate taking kids there if its easier, you dont need to go every time. Gives you a chance for some me time. Try not to burn bridges though.x

SamphiretheTervosaur · 19/07/2025 13:01

Do your parents make similar demands of him?

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hexagongoldbox · 19/07/2025 13:03

Pathetic tbh why does she need to be cooking for you and looking after your kids ? Going and visiting grandparents is one of my fondest memories and I don’t remember them coming round ours and sticking the hoover on ! Let him take them to see her on his own. Block her from your life of you want but don’t try and block her from your husband and children they are her family !

BabyCatFace · 19/07/2025 13:05

Seeing your MIL every 2/3 months when she lives 15 minutes away is unreasonable and would very much look like a snub. However your DH needs to arrange ALL social meets with her and you can pop by/flying visit/be on your way out when she comes round and just have a 20 minute chat or whatever. It's totally reasonable for you to expect your DH to make all arrangements.
When she contacts you and asks to meet up why don't you respond suggesting she speaks to DH and finds out when he is free and you will see her then? Just politely push back and direct her to contact her son.

Original poster
Tothink · 19/07/2025 13:12

Oh I knew there’d be one like @hexagongoldbox !!! Can you read?

I clearly said ‘By no means am I expecting her to have the children whenever we ask or come round with a freezer load of meals, but just on occasion it would have been nice if she just lifted a finger, like we have done for her.’

We have done plenty for her yet not one helpful bit of reciprocation for us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tothink · 19/07/2025 13:13

@SamphiretheTervosaur oh gosh, never! They would be so embarrassed to call up on the weekly, asking him to come over or take the kids out for lunches. They leave him be and are just delighted whenever they happen to see him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tothink · 19/07/2025 13:14

I agree re not wanting to burn bridges, I am certainly NOT trying to damage her relationship with DH. I just wanted some advice to handle it in a way that I don’t cause a big drama…

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 19/07/2025 13:16

What's the problem with taking the DC to meet her somewhere child-friendly? Like the park or swimming pool? Somewhere you'd be going anyway?
I wouldn't be taking children out to lunch if I could help it, most of the under 7's can't sit still long enough for it to be a pleasure, but you could suggest she brings along some sandwiches for a picnic in the park/woods/beach/whatever your kids like locally. There's ways of making this work for you and keeping her happy.

NuffSaidSam · 19/07/2025 13:21

"Oh I can't on Thursday I have to wash my hair (or insert better reason) but the kids would love to see you, I can drop them around 3pm?"

"Oh we can't on Tuesday, I have to take Lionel to football, but Hyacinth will be at a loose end. I could drop her off to you before I take Lionel to football?".

SpryCat · 19/07/2025 13:24

Tell her straight, that the kids find it boring going up town and going for lunch, offer her an alternative like swimming or doing something the kids enjoy. If you do that everytime she asks.

putitovertherefornow · 19/07/2025 13:27

You need to delegate this problem to your DH.

Tell him that he is going to take the kids over to see his mother whether he wants to or not.

RandomMess · 19/07/2025 13:29

“You will have to ask DH to bring them over at the weekend when he’s free”

Everytime.

Om83 · 19/07/2025 13:31

I don’t like my MIL very much- she isn’t physically able with multiple health conditions and has v low tolerance for small kids so has never done anything to help us. when mine were little she would tell them off for playing too loudly/talking in the wrong way so as a result they would have to sit still and quiet and it was sooo stressful- we obviously stopped seeing her so often, but get comments about how she doesn’t see/know her grandchildren.

She slags off other family members/girlfriends, very nosy and stuck in her opinions, I’m a little scared of her tbh as I’m under no delusions that she probably talks about me in the same way to others so absolutely limit contact where I can!! DH goes to see her one evening a week on his own (he knows she is difficult and often comes back swearing about how often he had to bite his tongue but she is old and poor health with not that much external contact so he does his duty). we only all tend to get together for a family birthday or Xmas otherwise…

speak to your DH and tell him he needs to do the visits- with/without your kids.

Britneyfan · 19/07/2025 13:35

Has she said she wouldn’t take the kids on their own? If not could you not say “oh I have a lot to do that day here unfortunately, but if you want to see the kids I could drop them off with you for the afternoon, they’d love to see you”

MyWarmOchreHare · 19/07/2025 13:43

This is definitely a DH problem. Tell him the truth. If she asks to meet you to see them, what would she say if you said ‘I can’t come but the kids would love to.’ Or even one kid?

But I’m not sure why she should be expected to make meals after c sections when her son hasn’t had one.

LindorDoubleChoc · 19/07/2025 13:47

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 19/07/2025 13:00

There's a happy medium between every week and every 3 months. How far away is she?
But yes dh should facilitate taking kids there if its easier, you dont need to go every time. Gives you a chance for some me time. Try not to burn bridges though.x

That information is in the second sentence @Wavescrashingonthebeach.

OP - most women would not choose to be friends with their inlaws (or indeed quite often their parents), the age gap has quite a lot to do with it. You want the whole relationship to be on your terms which really is unreasonable, there does need to be some compromise in families. Why doesn't your MIL invite her son along on these lunches?

If you want the invitations to stop you must ask your DH to intervene if you can't say it nicely yourself. You don't have to tell him you dislike her, but you can say quite reasonably that she expects to see you and the children too often.

Otoh If you do reduce your interactions with her to as infrequently as every 2 to 3 months you will be making it absolutely crystal clear that you can't stand her.

YourJoyousDenimExpert · 19/07/2025 13:53

When I was a child, my Mum couldn’t drive and so I only saw my Dad’s parents when he took us - only about 15-20 mins in the car. I think it’s fine to expect DH to manage contact with MIL. It’s one of downsides of texts and WhatsApp that MILs have more direct access to Mums now and it makes it harder to delegate to DH!! Just say it’s school holidays coming up and you have too much to juggle in your head and need him to sort his Mum.
Make sure you have some kind of shared calendar with DH - so you have a chance to be needed elsewhere so he needs to go on his own! Reduce your contact for a bit to give yourself a break.

CarpetKnees · 19/07/2025 17:34

I'd be really interested to hear this from the MiL's perception.

@Tothink are you at home with the dc more than your dh? Or do you both WOTH the same amount ?

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 19/07/2025 18:08

LindorDoubleChoc · 19/07/2025 13:47

That information is in the second sentence @Wavescrashingonthebeach.

OP - most women would not choose to be friends with their inlaws (or indeed quite often their parents), the age gap has quite a lot to do with it. You want the whole relationship to be on your terms which really is unreasonable, there does need to be some compromise in families. Why doesn't your MIL invite her son along on these lunches?

If you want the invitations to stop you must ask your DH to intervene if you can't say it nicely yourself. You don't have to tell him you dislike her, but you can say quite reasonably that she expects to see you and the children too often.

Otoh If you do reduce your interactions with her to as infrequently as every 2 to 3 months you will be making it absolutely crystal clear that you can't stand her.

Show quote history

Whoops missed that bit when had noisy toddlers round my ankles!
Yes I agree every 3 months is far too infrequent for someone so close. Thats more appropriate for someone an hours drive away.
But if op is busy, tired and overwhelmed she certainly doesn't need to go every single time

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 19/07/2025 18:10

Tothink · 19/07/2025 13:14

I agree re not wanting to burn bridges, I am certainly NOT trying to damage her relationship with DH. I just wanted some advice to handle it in a way that I don’t cause a big drama…

You dont need to make a big thing about it, just you go sometimes and other times have "something on" so DH takes kids without you. Even if that something on is your feet up and the telly on....but shhh 🤣. Or just try and co ordinate his visits without you when you are deep cleaning the house or visiting your own friends x

Ficklebricks · 19/07/2025 18:18

All of your reasons for reducing contact are about you and how you feel or relate to her. What about your kids and how they feel? Yes your husband could pick up some of the slack but presumably this is very difficult for him to do or he would already be regularly doing it. I don't think you have any right to instruct your children's access to their extended family unless they are abusive or have a very negative impact on them. The worst she does to them is throw sweets at them according to you.

Silversaxo · 20/07/2025 21:57

You sound awful.

talktalk66 · 20/07/2025 22:03

When you get married and have children and there are grandparents around, it's good to strike a balance where the grandparents are in the children's lives. You say that your MIL asks to see them, so that tells me that she wants to be present in their lives. You also say that you always make excuses not to see her, so it sounds like they are not getting a chance to get to know each other anyway, and you say that you want her to get to know them. Unfortunately, your children will pick up on this and know that their mum doesn't like their grandmother, which will not be a good message for the children. You don't need to be friends with her, or even like her, but for a good family life, it would be good for all of you if you could find a middle road. She may not be good at this and not know how to do it, so you could help her find that middle road too. Maybe sometimes go for lunch with DH and kids, sometimes invite her to lunch at yours, other times DH could take them on his own. It doesn't have to be every week and if you do it that way, you wont be alone with her very often. When she has gotten to know the children better from these types of family get togethers, it mat come naturally for her to ask to have the children, or for you to ask her to have them. It will require work on your part if you want it to work out this way. Explain how you feel to your husband and you can both talk about what the best solution is to ensure your family includes the grandparent. It may also help you to form a relationship with her where there is respect for one another. It will be hard work, but worth it.

BCBird · 20/07/2025 22:07

She needs to liaise with DH. I would not tell him u don't like her. Pointless,as he probably already knows.