I just don't want to see her that often!

[Tothink]

MIL is needy, overbearing, INVOLVED and not in a helpful or good way. She has never done anything to help us, considering she lives about 15 minutes away, she has never offered to look after one of our children, she has never cooked a meal or been helpful during situations such as c section recovery. By no means am I expecting her to have the children whenever we ask or come round with a freezer load of meals, but just on occasion it would have been nice if she just lifted a finger, like we have done for her.

She wants me to take the children to her house on a regular basis / go out with her and the children into town for lunch etc. Always on her terms. She would never take them on her own despite always stating 'she wants to see them'. She is not old and is physically able to.

I always politely decline her invitations, because at this point I just feel like...

A. If it wasn't for DH, I wouldn't choose to ever befriend her (different people, different age group, different interests and views on life)
B. ...plus I find her boring
C. I haven't exactly built up a respectful relationship with her due to her unhelpful and slightly deluded nature - had she been different ie, on hand from time to time, actually made the effort to properly get to know our children instead of chucking some sweets at them whenever she sees them, things probably would have been different
D. I generally just don't like her all that much (clearly)

The problem is (well I think it is) with DH, as it is his mother. I thought by now she would have got the message considering 9/10 times I make up an excuse so that I don't have to see her. Unfortunately she has not got this message and still asks very regularly which is making things awkward, annoying and draining for me.

I can't very well turn around to DH and bluntly say 'I don't like your mum, tell her to leave me alone' but can't help but feel it is HIS responsibility to take the kids to see her on his days off/she should be arranging to go for lunch or coffee with HIM and the kids - not me?!

Just because I love her son, unfortunately does not mean I am automatically going to love her. I just want to be able to see her on the odd occasion, every 2/3 months.. call up IF I feel like it, or answer her calls without DREADING being asked to meet up every week.

What do I do.. because it is SO regular and I don't want to look like the worlds biggest, coldest bitch...

I’m not sure why this is even an issue. Just tell DH to contact her. Why is she messaging you?

No, that’s really rude.

I’m confused - you say she’s involved and yet you also say she hasn’t actually got to know them and just chucks sweets at them.

I know what it’s like to find extended family annoying, but I think you’re being a bit too detached (and dare I say it, slightly rude) here.

It’s not her job to help you out with meals or childcare. Neither is it your job to entertain her. I think there’s a middle ground.

I would suggest a routine - e.g. every other Wednesday you go to a certain cafe after school. Kids and older people like routine and it sounds like this could be a compromise? It would tick off your DIL duty.

Anything else, leave to your DH.

Because she’s her daughter in law?

"Hi Jane to be honest I've got a lot on at the minute, nothing exciting just really busy. Best thing to do is speak to Darren and arrange to see the kids with him, he's usually off on Sundays."

Then just tell him to deal with it himself and don't bother answering.

Where did she say she wants to block her from her DH or kids life? She clearly said she thinks her DH should be facilitating the relationship and taking the kids so it’s not all on her.

And no she isn’t expecting MIL to cook regularity or look after the kids but she can show that she cares or has an interstate not just selfishly demand OP brings the kids when it suits her on her terms. Relationships are two way streets with give and take, from what I’ve read MIL just expects to take on her terms.

OP has made it clear she doesn’t like MIL and I appreciate her honesty.

For some reason people contact the mum to arrange things so that might be why she isn’t going thru ur DH. My in-laws are really lovely but it still annoys me that they only contact me to arrange any visits and not DH at all! I’d try to palm them off on her a bit like a previous poster said. If she’d like a relationship with them and isn’t going to be mean or toxic towards them then maybe that would work to give you a bit of a breather and her some time with them. I wouldn’t bother telling people you don’t like her. If she’d doesn’t go for that, calmly tell your DH he needs to arrange DC visits with MIL and then block her from your phone. That’ll solve it!

You need to focus on DH and let him know that the expectations from his mother is too much for you and you think he should step up and manage the relationship ship with her including taking the kids over.

is he aware of the ongoing situation with his mother or will this be news to him? Pretty much does he know that his mother can be difficult?

I’ve no interest in seeing my MIL more than 4 or 5 times in a year and she lives almost as close as yours does. Husband visits her with our child every few weeks and they spend the whole day there. He regularly takes her out for a coffee or lunch by himself too.

My husband isn’t hanging out with my mother so wtf would I be hanging out with his? This bullshit is expected of women but not the other way round. Seems insane to me. By all means if you think your MIL is just fan-fucking-tastic then see her all you like but if you don’t, then don’t.

MIL sees my husband and our son every 2-3 weeks and we do her birthday, Christmas, Easter, and so on all together. That’s plenty.

Maybe if you spent some time with her, got to know her a bit better, it might be easier. To be honest it sounds as if you don’t like her because she doesn’t offer any childcare.
I’m glad you’re not my daughter in law.

Harsh and I don’t get that impression at all from reading what the op has written!

Yes she made it clear that she doesn’t like her and she also made it clear that she isn’t expecting MIL to look after the kids regularly but MIL doesn’t even show any interest or does anything for them while expecting OP to be at her beck and call and always on her terms.

are you one of those MILs who puts so much pressure on your DIL to visit you while giving your son a pass because you know he’s a man? Are you a MIL who doesn’t care how your son and DIL are doing as long as they visit you when you demand?

If yes then I’m sure we’re all glad you’re not our MIL.

As a MIL there are many ways you can show your DIL that you care and it doesn’t mean committing to looking after the kids regularly so stop using that a red herring.

Yes it’s a shame her son doesn’t respect her enough as his mother to take his children to visit. You definitely don’t seem to like her but maybe an occasional visit would let you share different views and let her get an insight into your personality. I do feel you have formed an option which will reflect on your children’s relationship with her.
I have friends with different views on life different opinions and different age groups also an 90 year old dad who has a fantastic relationship with all family including great grandchildren age 6- 14. It’s a joy to see them listening to him. It teaches them tolerance of older people. Maybe give her a chance.

When I was pregnant my partner at the time suggested his mum come and spend the day with me every Tuesday (her day off). I don't know who was more horrified, me or her 🤣 i did enjoy watching her squirm and make up reasons why she couldn't, it saved me from saying hell no! We had a mutual dislike for each other, I had justification for hating her, the way she would speak to me and the things she thought she was entitled to say were below the belt, she was a horrible person.

Op, u have admitted u dont like her and although u say u don't expect food etc it does come across u expect something. U say she doesn't lift a finger. What is it u want her to do?

Speak to your partner. Maybe come to an agreement that he takes the kids to see his mum once a fortnight. If she continues to contact u just say I've got too much on that's why Rick has made regular plans to see u.

Nope, it's perfectly reasonable for the OP to say that she's busy, but she's welcome to see her grandchildren if she wants.

(The washing her comment was a joke, obviously the OP needs to come up with a better excuse!).

It sounds like your MIL is lonely and wanting to connect with you.

This.

Your DH might have some idea that you don’t like her if you’ve avoided seeing her a lot. Just be honest with him so he is clear that he needs to arrange for your children to spend time with their grandmother. He might find once she knows it will be a regular thing she might become less demanding. They can all have a lovely time and bond without you. Won’t you feel a bit left out when that happens? I think I would.

Do the kids enjoy seeing her? I think that's kind of the most important thing

does she know that you would like these things from her? Some people need to be asked rather than them offer do you ask her to watch the kids? she obviously wants to be around you and the kids or she wouldn’t keep asking you to come round.

Absolutely this.

When I had my first, my MIL wanted to do everything but it was way too much. With consequent kids she offered less but because she knew I could handle it all.

I do think it's a bit intense to want to hang out all the time but agree with PP that asking her to do kid friendly things is a good option. I suspect she won't want to. At least then you can tell your husband that you have tried and then you can tag team him in to deal with it. I know men struggle with organising stuff, my hub would struggle to see his parents if it wasn't for me.

OP I do think there is a responsibility on you and DH to ensure the kids spend a little time with their GM. All kids need their GPs.

That sounds incredibly like you think you're better than her. Snubbish and rude.

OP, if it wasn't for MIL DH wouldn't exist, and this neither would your DC. Have you actually tried to get to know her properly, instead of seeing her as an unwanted accessory to your life?

I have the same feeling about my mother.

I moved to another country and see her once in six years.
She is a raging narcissist, emotionally abusive and when my father died (suddenly, shock), the b* tried to persuade me to leave my decent husband, (who did what he could to help out), come back and become her companion and chauffeur.

We are adults.

Boundaries are a great thing, OP.

You may not be able to say to your DH “I don’t like her, tell her to leave me alone.”

But you should be saying “DH your mother is constantly messaging me trying to see the kids. I have my own family admin to deal with, she is your mother and you should be facilitating her seeing your children. Please message her and make arrangements.”

I think there needs to be a middle ground, clearly you don't like each other but she is your DCs grandmother and IMO just you not liking her isn't a reason to not facilitate a relationship between them and her. Just making excuses and constantly fobbing her off is going to have a negative effect on their relationship and must be very hurtful to her. To me it sounds as though she is trying, is maybe not very good at picking up the cues that the current way of meeting up doesn't work for you, she might think she is being really helpful by inviting you to hers or meeting at a cafe rather than expecting you to host for example.

I agree that you need to say would she mind if you all went to soft play or whatever together instead of just a cafe. If she is a first time grandparent she just genuinely might not know what to do with DCs (it's surprising how quickly you forget once your own DCs have grown up). You don't have to like her, but cutting her out completely which it sounds as though you want to isn't fair on her or your DC. But also making sure your DH is seeing her with the DCs sometimes too, or all of you together.