I just don't want to see her that often!

[Tothink]

MIL is needy, overbearing, INVOLVED and not in a helpful or good way. She has never done anything to help us, considering she lives about 15 minutes away, she has never offered to look after one of our children, she has never cooked a meal or been helpful during situations such as c section recovery. By no means am I expecting her to have the children whenever we ask or come round with a freezer load of meals, but just on occasion it would have been nice if she just lifted a finger, like we have done for her.

She wants me to take the children to her house on a regular basis / go out with her and the children into town for lunch etc. Always on her terms. She would never take them on her own despite always stating 'she wants to see them'. She is not old and is physically able to.

I always politely decline her invitations, because at this point I just feel like...

A. If it wasn't for DH, I wouldn't choose to ever befriend her (different people, different age group, different interests and views on life)
B. ...plus I find her boring
C. I haven't exactly built up a respectful relationship with her due to her unhelpful and slightly deluded nature - had she been different ie, on hand from time to time, actually made the effort to properly get to know our children instead of chucking some sweets at them whenever she sees them, things probably would have been different
D. I generally just don't like her all that much (clearly)

The problem is (well I think it is) with DH, as it is his mother. I thought by now she would have got the message considering 9/10 times I make up an excuse so that I don't have to see her. Unfortunately she has not got this message and still asks very regularly which is making things awkward, annoying and draining for me.

I can't very well turn around to DH and bluntly say 'I don't like your mum, tell her to leave me alone' but can't help but feel it is HIS responsibility to take the kids to see her on his days off/she should be arranging to go for lunch or coffee with HIM and the kids - not me?!

Just because I love her son, unfortunately does not mean I am automatically going to love her. I just want to be able to see her on the odd occasion, every 2/3 months.. call up IF I feel like it, or answer her calls without DREADING being asked to meet up every week.

What do I do.. because it is SO regular and I don't want to look like the worlds biggest, coldest bitch...

I dont understand what you want from her ? She doesn"t want to look after your children she would like to see you all you dont want that so.get your husband to go round and get on with your life, you are wasting your emotional energy being resentful.

This, my mum.and late mil rarely visited we just visited them.

Why is it expected (and it clearly is expected because so many on this thread are saying the OP should be facilitating a relationship with her MIL) that it falls to the woman to see her MIL alone?

I have never understood this. I see my MIL a handful of times a year when we’re all together as a family. The rest of the time my husband sees her regularly either on his own or with our son.

My husband does not spend time with my mother on his own or with my son so why is it expected that will happen the other way round? My MIL is nice enough and I’ll enjoy a chat with her when we’re all together, but I notice it’s always the women expected to hang out with their MILs all the time but never the husband spending time alone with their MIL.

Why isn’t it enough to see the MIL as a family and leave the rest of the visits to the husband?

Well in my case I saw MIL alone (with DCs) because I worked p/t time and DH full time so I was around more during the week. But I liked my MIL.

I like my MIL fine but we’re very different people and I don’t care to spend time with her outwith family occasions. My husband doesn’t hang out my mother at random either but he loves her to bits.

I used to meet up.with my mil occasionally with the children we would meet up half way. I liked her though,

But you can’t control her drama so you will struggle with that, you aren’t responsible for her.

and to the other poster I agree , she just happens to be the woman who gave birth to your partner. If she’s decent you’ll treat her the same but if not then you don’t have to spend time with her, she doesn’t get special treatment or allowed to cross boundaries.

Tell her she needs to liaise with DH as you are really busy right now. He should be facilitating visits with the DC.

If he protests, point out that he spends zero time with your mother without you, and it works both ways.

Bloody wifework

I think you need to think of the kids and how often they want to see their grandmother, but yes absolutely delegate to your husband.

I was agreeing with you until I got to the part you started listing your reasons and it went downhill from there.

This is your Husband's Mother. How would you feel down the line if your child's OH treated you in this manner. You don't have to be besties with her burt surely you want your children to have a relationship with their Gran.

Unfortunately you come across as entitled and overbearing yourself.

This is how it's coming across to me:
MIL is sexist and thinks relationships are women's work. She wouldn't dream of asking her son to bring the kids over or even have a clue what's happening in his own diary. That's what a wife is for.
MIL hasn't got to know the DCs hence suggesting lunches they don't enjoy and giving them gifts of sweets not anything individualised.
Here's what I would do:
Don't make any more arrangements for anything the DCs won't enjoy. You're busy then (and permanently), she can check in with her DS if she wants to set a stand alone date.
If she suggests a time when you have plans with the DCs, suggest she comes along (wouldn't she like to come in the pool with you all/go for a bike ride/shop for school shoes). She may suprise you and get stuck in (my money is on cat's chance in hell).

I feel sorry for your MIL and I'm struggling to see what she has done wrong. She clearly does want a good relationship with you and her grandchildren which is why she keeps making suggestions for a meet up, hoping one of her attempts will suit you and you will accept.

As for not helping when you think she could have, are you sure you are not giving out such negative vibes that she is frightened to ask?
This is such a sad situation but I think you should make an effort for your DH and DC sake. Yes, I know its his mum but you are part of the extended family whether you like it or not. It's not like she got raging drunk and started abusing you now, is it?

Well you sound like a lovely person, not. Take a long look at yourself 🙄

I would be interested to know if she makes these requests to your DH or just you. DH should be dealing with anything MIL related.
if I were you, I’d drop the rope and let him deal with it.

So? Her parents don’t contact her husband. It’s pure sexism. Just refer them back to your husband.

Because her son and grandchildren need to be fed and it’s just a nice thing to do especially for your family.