Was I selfish to have my DS?

[Devilsmommy]

My DS who is almost 3 is going to be seeing an audiologist soon to have his ears checked as he is still not talking at all. I was told that if it turns out that his ears are fine then I'd need to start the process of getting him assessed for possible autism as the not talking isn't the only issue he has. So it got me thinking, I was 36 when he was born and my DH was 53. I've heard that older parents children are more at risk for developing autism so I'm thinking, was I completely selfish when I decided to have him? If he does have something wrong then that's my fault isn't it? My DS is such a happy little boy and I don't want him to have a harder life than he needs to. Obviously if he was autistic that wouldn't change the way I feel about him in the slightest but I just feel so guilty that I put him in that position. Has anyone had anything similar and how did you deal with it. TIA

Parents of all ages have autistic children. There's no point in dwelling on whether you should have had him or not, the fact is he's here now so you need to focus on him and how to meet his needs going forwards.

Does he have any vocabulary at all? Does he show an understanding of turn taking even if it’s just to make noises during his turn? Have you tried PECS or makaton with him?

Nobody has children for selfless reasons. You're no different from any other parent.

I absolutely do focus on him and try to make his life as great as possible. It's just my head and the guilt. I don't regret having him at all. He's the best thing I'll ever do. Thanks for replying

There’s no point in thinking about this. Focus your energies on giving your son the best training you can for independent life as an adult. What’s done is done.

No words at all but his comprehension is 100%. He understands everything. He makes noises but nothing that sounds remotely like words iyswim. I did try signing with him as my parents are deaf so was going to want him to be able to sign anyway but he just won't do it at all😅

Wait until you’re seen the audiologist and take it from there. My DS was slow to talk and hearing tests showed he had glue ear. Some children will need treatment for this - grommets - and others like my DS’ cleared gradually of its own accord.

Please don’t blame yourself for anything - and 36 is not old at all so get rid of that idea (I was 40 when I had DS, so what do you make of that!).

Please don't think I was saying women of 40 shouldn't have kids, not at all do I think that. It's just because they say after 35 there's more likely to be problems and that having older dads is a risk factor and obviously my DH was 53 so I feel like I doubled the risk iyswim. Definitely hope it's something as simple as glue ear. Glad your sons cleared up with no medical intervention 😊

It makes no sense to think like that. Where would you draw the line? We’re exploring a dyslexia diagnosis for DD, should we not have had her knowing that her cousin is also dyslexic?

See the audiologist. Take it from there. I know a few kids that were basically non verbal at 3 but in all cases it turned out to be glue ear and after grommets they caught up quickly. Even if it is autism that isn’t your fault and there’s no need to feel guilty. He sounds like a happy little boy with a lot of love in his life and that can only be a good thing.

He definitely is a very happy kid and does have alot of love😊 reading your post about the 3 year olds you've known with glue ear makes me very hopeful 🤞. Thank you😊

You mention your parents are deaf? Could it then be genetic?

That's what I wondered at first but his hearing seems perfect. He hears better than I do😅 that's why I thought possibly glue ear?

You can't look back. Only forward. And you can only do you best which you are doing. Your little boy is happy and loved.

My younger child was born when I was 40 (dad 53) and doesn't have autism.
Older child (born when I was 30) does, though diagnosed quite late- now an adult living a happy life doing a degree, an internship and has a lovely girlfriend.
Age wasn't the significant factor for us, probably genetic but who knows.
No regrets.

Thank you for this post. So lovely to know it's not always the age thing, can be genetic. Wonderful that your son is living a great life😊

There's nothing selfish about bringing a child into the world with love. Fingers crossed you get answers x

Please look into the current research about Folate Receptor Autoimmune Antibodies and ASD/language. Might not be relevant but definitely worth researching as soon as possible.

The thing there isn’t much you can do about it now. And lots of parents that age don’t have children with health issues who I’m sure will comment but generally yes my personal opinion FWIW is that I do think it’s selfish to have a child with someone in their 50s

Thanks for this, I shall read up on it definitely

The chances that your ages alone caused his autism, if that’s what it even turns out to be, are very very small. There are very few perfect situations in which to have a child and apart from older parents one could argue it’s selfish to have a child if you’re a single parent, low income earner, have pre-existing health conditions and so on, so really don’t feel guilty about this at all. FWIW I was 40s and my husband 50s when we had our two and neither have SEN or any health issues.

@42wallabywaysydney thanks for your reply. Very reassuring to hear you were 40's and your DH 50's and there were no problems. I need to change my thinking on it I know, just so so worried for him🙁

My sister is autistic and was born to my 29 and 31yo parents

My eldest has autism. I was 17 when he was born and his dad was 21. Back in those days we were told that autism was caused by “cold parenting”. 🙄

Don’t even think about blaming yourself. I’m sure that society will always come up with ridiculous, perceived parenting ‘failures’ that they believe result in autism.

My son is autistic i was 19 when he was born, dont blame yourself!
also dont worry to much hes still little - my son didnt talk till he was six now he talks my ear off. ❤️

That must have been so hard dealing with that kind of bullshit. At least nowadays there's a lot more understanding

Love this😍 one of my cousin's didn't speak until he was almost 4 so 🤞