Was I selfish to have my DS?

[Devilsmommy]

My DS who is almost 3 is going to be seeing an audiologist soon to have his ears checked as he is still not talking at all. I was told that if it turns out that his ears are fine then I'd need to start the process of getting him assessed for possible autism as the not talking isn't the only issue he has. So it got me thinking, I was 36 when he was born and my DH was 53. I've heard that older parents children are more at risk for developing autism so I'm thinking, was I completely selfish when I decided to have him? If he does have something wrong then that's my fault isn't it? My DS is such a happy little boy and I don't want him to have a harder life than he needs to. Obviously if he was autistic that wouldn't change the way I feel about him in the slightest but I just feel so guilty that I put him in that position. Has anyone had anything similar and how did you deal with it. TIA

I have 3 autistic children and was still in my teens when I had DS1. I strongly suspect I am also autistic. I really don't believe that children develop autism, I think they are autistic or not.

There is no proven causation between older parents and Autism, only a correlation. That could be for many explainable factors, such as meeting a partner later due to social anxiety and dating faux pas, being more cautious about being ready to become parents.

Glue ear is super common- my DD had it and had to wear a hearing aid but no other issues. But whatever the diagnosis it’s not your fault.
FYI I was 27 when I had DD and trying for baby no 2 at 34.

Every child with disabilities or additional needs, it was either genes or something that (with hindsight and a Time Machine) might have been prevented. But the prevention often means that child wouldn’t have existed.

As parents with children with additional needs, should we all feel guilty? No? Then neither should you!

Look into PECS and aac apps on ipad like gridplayer or proloquo

Even if your genes or age caused it it is irrelevant
You wanted a child
You got a child
You can give him a happy life

Do you get much eye contact from him? Signing can be slower with children who don't give eye contact and can mean you need to do more modelling with his own hands so he learns by doing not by watching.

Not selfish at all. Not more than any other person that brings a child into this crazy world.

please keep in mind that autism with profound support needs is only one variety of autism. Many of us do not view our autism as a negative at all.

my ASD dd spoke late, though not as late as 3. She was tested as having excellent receptive language. When she finally did start speaking she just spoke like an adult. A little two year old having conversations and freaking out strangers. It was hilarious. She just decided to not talk until she could do it properly.

If your son does have ASD, that does not mean he is going to have lifelong support needs. He might, but he also might just be a unique human who doesn’t do things by textbook.

I had my eldest at 23,he has autism. Now 13 and barely communicated till 3.I was 'lady' for years before he clocked 'Mummy'. He's thriving.My ears hurt lol.

Had my youngest at 29,he doesn't.BUT he also was speech delayed and didn't say a word until his 2nd birthday.At 9, he is either an angel or a handful that has me tearing my hair out.

Definitely genetic with my family,my brother and his ex had my nephew at 31,he is severely autistic.I must add that he is also our family's pride and joy.

We have an abundance of anxiety and eating disorders in our family too.We're a total catch 🤣

It's the roll of the dice OP IMO.You have happy,healthy,loved little boy who is still so little!Please don't torture yourself!xx

Yes he's brilliant for eye contact. With the signing it's stubbornness laziness or both😅

Love the speaking like a little adult freaking people out 😂 mine did it with walking because he was cruising at 8 months and people were weirded out seeing such a little baby toddling along😂

Then my next suggestion would be to put him in situations where he doesn't get what he wants until he communicates it somehow - vocalisations or signs. Often children just start to use their speech or sign when they are frustrated and needy something enough to push through.

This is the thing. He points at what he wants if it's out of reach and vocalises that he wants it. He's communicating just not with words or signing

My dd has autism, I was 24 and DH was 28 when she was born. Of course you weren't selfish when you had your DS!

My DS is diagnosed autistic, we're still figuring him out. Does your son make eye contact or stim? Ours was the happiest little child when younger (up till 2.5), and was extremely active and physical vs verbal. Never babbled though. It turns out that he could read, and was learning differently (gestalt style), so was learning batches and phrases rather than individual words. They are all different, but I personally know how hard it is waiting for them to start talking/doing something, and how worrying it is as you can't actually do anything. I'd recommend ms rachel on in the background on repeat if you can stand it, and getting him speech therapy, and into a full time childcare setting for exposure to language and routine if you can. We noticed an improvement for ours with that.

Editing: sorry I saw late that you said yes to eye contact. That's a good sign in general.

Does he imitate actions eg. Waving, clapping or actions in a song? My son is autistic (caused by a genetic condition) and we had to teach him how to imitate before he could sign.

Have you done the mchat checklist with him, screening tool for autism? I think it goes up to 30 months so he may be a little too old but you could do it based on what he was like last year https://www.autismspeaks.org/screen-your-child

My MiL once told me that eldest BiL barely uttered at all until he was past 3. She’d been getting very worried, but once he started, it came out in whole sentences.

He turned out to be exceedingly bright, way above average.

If your little boy understands, he must surely be hearing what you say?

He scored a 7 when I did it when he was 2 and a bit

Yes this is the thing. He understands everything you say to him so I'm not sure he's got a hearing problem at all

It doesn’t matter why, it just matters what you do with it.

I may well have caused my daughter’s disability she had from birth. I can’t let myself dwell on it or I’m not an effective parent / advocate for her.

Haven't read all the replies.

Just wanted to say our lb didn't start speaking until gone 3, like yours his understanding was brilliant. He's 11 now and very bright.

Its not uncommon.

Of course there may be something else at play like autism, but maybe he's just a late talker?

Hopefully you'll be like me OP and look back at this time with fondness at how peaceful life was when your DC never shuts up and doesn't give you a minutes peace 🫣😂 in my case both DC are autistic and both had speech delays but now my house is soooooo loud and given its the summer holidays here I can't even say, 'that's an interesting question DD why don't you ask your teacher about it" 🙉😭😂😂

I was told by the speech therapists to narrate a lot of daily life out loud so the DC are hearing lots of language. Also when you ask DS a question silently count to 10 seconds before continuing the conversation to give him a chance to process what you have said and formulate an answer, it's a good idea to film yourself talking to him as you may think you are giving him time to reply but when watching it back you can see in reality that you only paused for 2 to 4 seconds before answering for him/moving the conversation on. For my DS in particular singing/music has been a huge help with his speech, we have daft made up songs for just about every routine ie brushing teeth, snack time etc and he was singing before he was really talking! A singsong voice can also help elicit a response for example my local shopkeeper is very used to me 'singsonging' say thank you/goodbye to prompt DS to say these phrases.

I don't believe age of parents "causes" autism and tbf you don't yet know if your DS is autistic. Just keep talking to him, signing with him (if his comprehension is 100% then he is very likely learning the sign language you are teaching him even if he isn't using it yet), playing with him, being a loving mum and just enjoying him

The reason that older parents have autistic children is because it often takes autistic people a lot longer to form relationships. Is his dad autistic? Are you? Autism is genetic.

Meh, I was 21 and 30 and both mine have it. It's hereditary.

I was 33 when I had my son who was diagnosed with autism just before he started school (in 1996) so he had support from his second term in school. He has GCSE’s, HND, and completed an apprenticeship a few years ago. He has a full time job earning £30k+ and a group of close friends and saving to buy a house. He lives a happy and fulfilling life. There are issues he finds difficult but he inherited my determination. Did I ever doubt that I should have had him? Never once!

Enjoy your son and help him thrive and find his way in life

I really hope that's all it is🤞