Really ‘nice’ people - are they just liars?

[Unconvinced8768]

You know those people who are just so ‘nice’ and everyone loves them bcs they’re so universally and never show what they really feel?
I find them super difficult bcs they’re seem to do so much that makes them unhappy/is an effort/ is hard work. And they’re so nice to every one even though they grumble amabout how annoying other people are that it’s hard to believe they genuinely like spending time with me or are they just doing it bcs they don’t want to seem mean/ it’s the right thing to do?
does my head in.

Maybe they’re just genuinely happy people who have pleasant thoughts?

I know lots of nice people and imo they do say what they really think, it’s just that mostly they think really nice and positive things. Blurting out hurtful opinions for no special reason isn’t the same thing as honesty.

Having been recently conned by a really "nice" person, in my bitter opinion overly nice people are fake 😠

If they never show how they feel how do you know they're doing things that are making them unhappy. If they're grumbling about someone then they're not really being nice to everyone

Your post is really confusing

I'm generally very 'nice' and people comment that I like everyone which is true to an extent. I've always chosen to see the good in everyone but I don't go around helping everyone to the detriment of myself.
So if I was being nice to you for example, I'm not secretly thinking you're a cow! I might not 'like' you as such, but respect you as another human with their own personality. If I didn't like you I'd probably avoid you tbh.

I know two people like this. The first never even grumbles, but her eyes are unhappy. She has zero boundaries and gets walked over a lot, but she is driven to help everyone and just puts a smile on. It's hard being around her because I see through it and I think she's a martyr.

The other is genuine. I feel amazing after I've spent time with her and I believe it's completely from the true goodness of her heart. She inspires me.

So if you're having doubts and feeling weird after seeing them, I would guess the person is like my first description.

My next door neighbour is so nice I can't help but wonder if it's for real. Just has such a nice way about him.

Or maybe it's just because I'm intrinsically suspicious and cynical 😳

@Unconvinced8768 How is someone nice grumbling all the time? That’s not a nice person. FWIW I am married to a super nice person who people Would always describe as lovely or nice etc. and he just is. He’s a nice person who genuinely tries to see the best in everyone and is kind and thoughtful. But he does show what he feels- he just happens to not feel the negative stuff we do, or if he does it’s rare and he deals with it. I am very lucky and I know he is rare. We have been married for nearly 2 decades and we have never fought or argued. He’s too nice to argue with… I’ve tried!!

If they grumble about how annoying other people are then they aren't genuinely nice people .
And yes if they grumble to you about other people it's safe to assume they grumble about you to others.

I know a few genuinely nice people, and they enjoy being nice and doing things for other people. Try it, you might like it! 🙃

Person number one here is EXACTLY who I am talking about!!!

I’m thought of as a nice person, just as you describe.

Firstly, I am genuinely an optimist. I enjoy being around people and draw energy from it. People just seem to like me because I have a smiley face. I can’t change it.

Secondly, I had a bit of a traumatic upbringing so being a chilled person (maybe at times a bit of a people pleaser) stems from that. My mum was on anti depressants having panic attacks, my dad fucked off with biweekly contact, we moved in with an abusive drunk then became homeless. So yes I became the person that cheered up my mum and held it together for my little brother and I’m still really calm and unflappable now..

Thirdly, even though I’m nice I can still tell you to fuck off. So do fuck off with your judgment.

People on here often describe people who are kind as martyrs. It’s as though they can’t accept that some people genuinely look for the best in people and enjoy helping others. Where that can be difficult is when kind people are met with cynicism and negativity.

It feels very jarring and uncomfortable and for some people makes them very sad.

So you're talking about people pleasers and not nice people. I knew one people pleaser in particular who was deeply unhappy about being walked over but couldn't see how she invited it. She wasn't nice, just insecure.

Many years ago I was friends with a super positive nice person. They were genuine but actually exhausting because they would put a positive spin on everything and sometimes you just want people to agree that things are shit.

Right Op…. Now tell us about the drama you’re currently having with someone that is too “nice”

be sure it’s very clear… you are very pissed off with someone “nice”!!

I choose to see the best in everyone because it makes life a lot easier, I don't spend my days convinced people are trying to offend me.

But I never ever offer anything I am not prepared to do.

Martyrs drive me mad. Why offer if you don't want to do it or it causes you a huge inconvenience?

I find it interesting that you choose to see the best in people but you get annoyed with martyrs rather than recognising that if someone is a ‘martyr’ it’s usually because they’ve had some difficult times and this has become a survival mechanism.

ive described lots of people on here as martyrs because they are, doing stuff because they „have“ to because no one else would do so they must or because they get their while self worth through what others think of them. That’s not nice as they usually seething with resentment.

Your OP is confusing. If the person you describe grumbles about other people that’s not ‘nice’.

You say she comes across as unhappy. We can’t know what others are thinking/feeling and whether or not this accords with what they say about it, but as you suggest can pick up signals.

I had a popular work colleague who was quietly upbeat.almost never heard her say anything negative at all about work or colleague challenges, herself or personal stuff and she came across as happy, who knows! Weirdly, or perhaps not, her main friend at work was a colleague who was a grumpy git!

The nice colleague also wasn’t a ‘people pleaser’ at work as far as I could tell.

I think it's because I find the contradiction difficult to spin positively. And martyrs often do it in a way to make you feel guilty.

Oh look, she has given X a lift, how kind. Oh hang on she is spending all day moaning about X and asking why I couldn't give them a lift. Hang on what?! How did we get here 😅

I’m not pissed off as such I’m just feeling insecure that this person is so confusing to me and I’m due to meet with them socially tonight. I’m worried they’re just doing ‘nice duty’. I’m not saying I dislike them, it’s just triggering me a bit I guess.

This is more about you than them, which you may recognise as you say it’s triggering you. It’s not for you to monitor people’s feelings or try and decide them. Do you want to meet this person? If not and they make you uncomfortable then don’t meet up.

If the person moans about others and does things for others that they don’t seem to want to then it’s unpleasant behaviour from them and understandable to think about whether they could do that about you too.

if you just meet socially from time to time, enjoy this and don’t ask her to do things for you or something like spend most of the conversations talking about you, seems little likelihood of problems!

People tell me I’m really nice. I don’t like everyone, but I do try to be polite, and to show people grace. I think it’s important that we honour each other in the way we act towards one another. I also have depression and anxiety, so I’m not always positive, but that’s a private part of my life I only share with a few people very close to me. However that is one of the drivers for me trying to make the world a little better for others.