Really ‘nice’ people - are they just liars?

[Unconvinced8768]

You know those people who are just so ‘nice’ and everyone loves them bcs they’re so universally and never show what they really feel?
I find them super difficult bcs they’re seem to do so much that makes them unhappy/is an effort/ is hard work. And they’re so nice to every one even though they grumble amabout how annoying other people are that it’s hard to believe they genuinely like spending time with me or are they just doing it bcs they don’t want to seem mean/ it’s the right thing to do?
does my head in.

I generally conclude this on threads like this!

It’s a ‘them’ problem if OP’s friend seems ‘nice’ to people in person but often moans to OP about the people.

No, I think genuinely nice - i.e., well-rounded, well-balanced people are not liars. There are others who have serious personality flaws they manage to cover up with niceness for a time, but the mask slips.

A well-balanced person will accept they have flaws and accept that in others, but not accept bullshit and poor treatment from others.

Some people have made the error with me that because I come across generally pleasant, charming, tolerant, kind and am quite nice looking, and even because I'm a women, or when I was younger, because I was young, that I can be pushed around. Then you will find my core of absolute cold steel assertiveness and downright rudeness, if required.

Id say I'm quite like that too. I will help people out, do favours, I'm spending all this week doing what my teens want on a holiday but I really can't get worked up about things that don't directly affect me or that I cannot impact. It makes me generally quite calm and I take things in my stride. I'm not fake or two faced but I try to go through life ruffling few feathers.

It says more about you that you assume anyone who is happy and cheerful has to be hiding their “real” feelings, op!
Some people are actually happy, oddly enough.

I'm one of the 'nice' people you talk about at work and in the community. But being nice people take advantage of your goodwill. I find that I unfairly take the stress of this out on dh and dcs which is something I'm working on because they are the most important people in my life not colleagues and neighbours.

My husband is a genuinely nice person and sees the best in everyone. He gets frustrated from time to time by people but he’s mostly a saint!

It depends.
I have a friend whose world would collapse if she didn't see herself as a nice and caring person. She is, and she has spent years pouring a lot into this in the work she does as well.

Recently she has become borderline obsessive about someone who seems to be neutral, but not mean, about her. They don't seem to have treated her anything but professionally, but this has been something that doesn't compute and that doesn't alter what she thinks back. The feelings and responses that don't fit with 'I'm nice, really nice' are neither self-comforting nor healthy in general - nor nice.

Of course some aren’t nice but to be honest it’s like on mn people saying they used to be people pleasers. They weren’t, they did what most normal people would do s and didn’t get what they wanted out of it. I genuinely like seeing/ making people happy and enjoy life when people are content. It doesn’t make me a martyr or a people pleaser, I just want to help where I can and like positivity. I grew up in a happy house and to be honest as an adult in modern society I think we need more positivity

eta in the last few years things have become tougher personally and I am sad that it doesn’t seem like when times are tough, I’m as ‘it’s all going to be ok’ and good to others as I’d hoped I was

I think perhaps some posters are misunderstanding what the concept of 'people-pleasing' is. It's not the same as pleasing people! It's a compulsion. It's doing things for others entirely for one's own sake, i.e. to control their opinion of one, rather than out of a genuine wish to help or be kind. That doesn't mean that being a kind person doesn't bring rewards for the kind person, of course.

I'd suggest a rule of thumb: if you do something nice willingly and out of concern for others, you're definitely not people-pleasing, just being a decent person.

It's like making sacrifices and then weaponising it. I've given up all sorts of opportunities for my children (who hasn't?) but they weren't really sacrifices - they were choices. I certainly wouldn't want or expect anyone to 'make sacrifices' or unwillingly 'please' me!

@fourelementary @cupfinalchaoswe really are very lucky with our husbands 👼

I posted the above having confused two threads - apologies if it doesn't make sense. There's another thread talking specifically about people-pleasing. But I think my point is still relevant if I substitute 'being overly nice' for 'people-pleasing'. Some replies on this thread seem very defensive, and I think 'nice' is being conflated or confused with 'too nice' or even 'fake nice'. There are loads of thoroughly nice people around but also many who seem superficially nice but give off a bad vibe.

This is a really interesting thread!

2 people came into my mind, one is a family member who is honestly the kindest, nicest person I've ever met. He's genuinely 'good'. I'd trust him with anything.

The other person is superficially nice, but as I got to know them more it's clear it comes from quite a selfish, self serving attitude. But as they're seen as nice, and affable and personable on the surface they get away with blue murder and always manage to get what they want. Any less than pristine behaviour is excused under their guise of niceness, so it couldn't possibly be underhand or deliberate. I don't trust them an inch.

We are😘

I'm with @XelaM , there's a person in a work team , everyone else thinks they're so nice yadayada, but they are difficult to manage as they just do cheeky shit in a naice way. Manager is good and really tries but honestly, this person just somehow takes the piss. And they are a secret taker, CF ...never buys the milk or biccies , but are so naaice and sucky they get away with it. Try to call em up on it and they somehow naaaicely shrug it off. I thought it was just me noticing but a fellow colleague also figured it out and we confided in each other. We can't believe how no one else sees it!! It's all a con!! I'm leaving so it won't bother me soon fingers crossed. God I'm a whiny bitch tonight!!!! Thanks for the rant!!

Your own way and the ability to behave and do exactly what you want a lot of the time as people generally don’t challenge poor behaviour.

Lots of people challenge poor behaviour!
Why would you want to deliberately feel like an arsehole?