Really ‘nice’ people - are they just liars?

[Unconvinced8768]

You know those people who are just so ‘nice’ and everyone loves them bcs they’re so universally and never show what they really feel?
I find them super difficult bcs they’re seem to do so much that makes them unhappy/is an effort/ is hard work. And they’re so nice to every one even though they grumble amabout how annoying other people are that it’s hard to believe they genuinely like spending time with me or are they just doing it bcs they don’t want to seem mean/ it’s the right thing to do?
does my head in.

What do you get out of not being nice?

I used to work with the most lovely lady. She was like the office mummy.
Cheered EVERYONE up with her presence. Was kind, gracious, polite, respectful, complementary, compassionate… turns out she suffered really badly from depression and had tried to take her own life on a couple of occasions. Heartbreaking. She was the loveliest colleague.

People getting annoyed about other people being nice should give their heads a wobble!

I think I know what you mean OP. It's people who never really have an opinion. I try to be like this as over the years I've learnt that once you say something it's out there and can be used against you, even if the time you were saying it to someone you trust. I therefore sit on the fence alot and am probably seen as being 'nice' to all. I'm not really, I just keep the thoughts in my head!

Yes of course bad people can fake being nice - catch more flies with honey and all that. It doesn’t mean there aren’t genuine nice people around

I dont think nice people are false or dont say what they think. Nice people choose to look at the positives and don't judge. Doesn't mean things dont bother them.

I know one person very like this and she is the most unnerving company to me, too - lovely to your face, absolutely vitriolic about other people she is lovely to. I avoid her.

But everyone's different. I know some genuinely nice people who don't act like this. They're not perfect, but being very pleasant and good company isn't always fakery.

Your person could be like my first case, or they might fall somewhere in between. I would detach a bit and observe and judge her by her actions. Remember you don't need her to be nice to you to be valuable.

I strongly believe the two "nicest" people I've ever known are sociopaths!

They are both extremely agreeable, never voice an opinion and have a smile permanently plastered across their face - but speak only in banal platitudes, can't have a conversation about anything that matters, dont want negativity in their lives in any form so must be fakely upbeat at all times and dont want your bad news or shitty day anywhere near them, and only care about themselves and their 5-year plans of self betterment.

"Nice" is one of those words like "posh" - I'm not sure people necessarily know what they mean when they say it.

It does your head in that people are nice? Would you rather they were mean and rude?

'...speak only in banal platitudes, can't have a conversation about anything that matters, dont want negativity in their lives in any form so must be fakely upbeat at all times and dont want your bad news or shitty day anywhere near them, and only care about themselves and their 5-year plans of self betterment.'

Umm, that doesn't really describe a nice person.

I think we'd rather they were 'real' - ever showed a chink in their armour, or had a bad day, were ever able to voice an opinion, or discuss a 'real' topic. You can still be lovely and warm and kind AND real.

Right - but that's not a nice person if they are clearly disingenuous and fake.

THIS- I wouldnt describe these people as "nice" at all- they sound selfish and self serving. LOL

Ooh definitely this. A very good friend of mine has a child who has decided they are trans. I am most definitely GC but nodded along, use the right pronoun etc and don't visibly eye roll when they refer to their "son". I get that they are supporting their child and I'm not going to lose a friend over giving my view which won't change or impact how they operate. I am very zen about things I can't change or control and generally think being nice and accomodating where possible makes everyone's life easier. But I'm not a pushover and don't do things I really don't want to do.

I used to have a ‘friend’ who would like you to believe she was the nicest person you could ever meet. She was desperate to put across that she had the perfect life and would try to put a positive spin on everything as a cover up when things didn’t go her way. I think she definitely has some sort of personality disorder.

I must say I'm not recognizing the definition of nice on this thread.

Do we mean pleasant? Non-confrontational? Instagram-friendly?

Only the first has anything to do with niceness in my opinion.

People show different sides of themselves to different people because they don’t want to be judged, don’t like conflict or are being manipulative.

There are also people who think they are very nice but are only nice to people they deem worthy. I know a lot of them.

There are some genuinely good people who I respect enormously but I wouldn’t describe them as nice.

I’m often told I’m ‘nice’ & ‘have a lovely, bubbly personality’ and that I ‘always lift people with my attitude’.
In fact I was literally told these word on Monday when I bumped into a very old school mate at the beach!

I don’t tend to notice personality flaws in other people. If someone points out a someone is a bit tight, or always moaning I see it, but it’s only because someone else has pointed it out. Then it tends to annoy me interestingly! 😂

No matter what I think of them, I tend to be complimentary to all people, I have a weird tendency to see people’s personality strengths (even if they don’t know them) by the way they come across and this affects my interactions with them.
It’s not altruism as I find people tend to lift me up, I’m happy around people, lock down taught me that a conversation with anyone can lift me out of a gloom.

I have had people not like me becasue I’m ‘too nice’ (their words).

However, I’m also riddled with self doubt & imposter syndrome so I can come across as a people pleaser and I’m often annoyed at myself for being a bit of a door mat, I also turn all failures on myself being stupid! My feelings of insecurity are as draining to my DH & friends as any one else moaning.

So in conclusion, I along with most other people (whether seen as nice or not) are a melting pot of all kinds of emotions, feelings, nice & horridness!

Some nice people will be fake and some nice people won't be, as in all personality types, some do it for self gain and some do it because that is what they do.

Take people as they come and if they are faking it, well so be it, if you find that out, learn, move on.

Life is too short to over analyse others @Unconvinced8768 you being triggered by an invitation to a social event is on you no one else. Why don't you be honest and tell the person that? If you don't then you are being fake as well, see how easy it is.

Its like that scene in mean girls "omg I love your skirt, where did you get it" then Regina slags it off as soon as she walks away. I mean that's 2 faced bitchyness

Then I suppose you get the people who are people pleasers. They are nice because they don't want to upset anyone but really they are upsetting themselves because they are doing too much for other people and that's why they moan about others.

I find gushy, nice people annoying. The ones that over the top care for your welfare. E.g. the type to send a gushy message to check you got home okay when your journey home involved a 10 min walk in broad day light.

Then you get the people who are overly positive. Always complimenting, celebrating, responding with encouragement to any bad news you share. Sometimes you just want someone to acknowledge that the crap thing is indeed crap.

I prefer people who are somewhere between positive and negative personally as it's more true to the experience of life, but maybe this is a different category of person who you aren't referring to.

I was going to post similar. I'm nice. Genuinely. Not everyone will want to be my best friend, of course, but I don't believe that anyone actually dislikes me, apart from my horrible neighbour. But being nice doesn't mean being a doormat and never putting myself first.

My dh is like this. i’ve known him for 20 years and there’s nothing else to it, he is as he is.. not a bad bone.

The OP isn't describing a nice person. She's describing a two faced person.

I think what you are getting at OP is that you think this person is two faced. Pretending to be nice and happy but actually feeling resentful that they are spending time with you. This wouldn't be my definition of a 'nice' person. If this person is doing things for others and feeling resentful they are lacking in confidence to say no. They are an unhappy people pleaser.

My colleague is one of life’s easygoing people who is always positive and upbeat, good company. But he has admitted to me if anything or anyone is nothing to do with him , if it doesn’t affect him then he doesn’t care . He admits he’s selfish underneath his happy go lucky demeanour. He’s right . The happiest people are selfish . It’s true I’ve googled it .

I think it’s a ‘you’ problem, not a ‘them’ problem.