Terrible work situation

[TriggerMortis]

Hi everyone. I've reverted to a very old name so I can be candid and open with everyone as I feel like my situation might be very obvious. Sorry it's very long - I want to give full details because I am willing to be told I am an idiot.

I have a terrible work situation - I posted about it before. I made a career jump for a large pay rise almost a year ago. Since then, I have worked for a bullying manager.

The role I thought I was taking up when I made the move was going to be a jump but I had great experience. During the interview process I was exclusively asked about my technical skills to lead a new regulatory reporting process, and I was effectively going to be the company lead on the project, managing internally and some consultants too. I was to be part of a team that didn't really align with the role, but that was because the company is relatively small, so it was shoehorned into the existing structure.

After a rocky 3 months with my manager, who was overly critical of me, has an aggressive management style and flitted between micromanaging and actively being no help at all, I passed my probation. At the time I posted on MN and received lots of advice to quit. I was adamant that I was holding on for my sign on bonus to be paid two months later, which I received. Colleagues have confirmed the behaviour as being unacceptable.

Almost immediately after my bonus was paid, there was a huge incident with my manager which led to me being pursued around the building being shouted at. I was in tears. An apology was mediated via HR, but my manager remained in charge of me. I believe this incident was precipitated by the reporting project I was hired for being cancelled (no one's fault - the incoming law was rescinded).

Since the incident and the apology, my manager's behaviour did change and, although I don't feel comfortable still, we have remained cordial and a lot of the bullying behaviour has abated. However, I have been transitioned into a role I don't want - and I am not very good at. I have significant experience in the thing I was originally hired for, but the new role isn't for me. If you were hiring from scratch, you'd choose a different educational and professional background.

Earlier this week was my mid year performance review. My manager gave strong critical feedback on my performance, saying that I had not settled, was taking too long and with low quality to do the job. I do not disagree that I am not meeting my manager's expectations on some things, but I do believe I have really added value and done a good job in some other areas which are more aligned to my experience.

My manager was being very respectful, and I kind of got carried away in responding to this feedback. I said:

• The elephant in the room is that the negative feedback is on things I wasn't hired for. They may have been mentioned in the formal job description, but I was headhunted for the original role and in the 3 rounds of interview I had, I don't believe anyone mentioned them.
• I am effectively making a career change and starting from scratch in this role, albeit being paid at a senior rate.
• I struggle to take the feedback seriously, not because I don't care about my work, but because it feels so removed from my professional ambitions. I did say, truthfully, that I put a lot of effort into all my work but it still falls short of the mark.

My manager seemed to 'hear' all of my concerns and said that it hadn't occurred to her all these things (I don't understand how or why), but that hearing that made a lot of sense to her and informed her understanding of the last 9 months.

There were other things said - I gave examples of when I felt like she had displayed inappropriate behaviour again. These things were listened to and she disagreed. I am not upset by this as I disagree with her feedback. It's mutual.

At the time it felt great to get things off my chest. I've woken up today basically feeling like I've signed my own death warrant. I'm about to go on a 2 week holiday and feel like I might be coming back to a redundancy notice.

Have I been an idiot or was it really the right thing to do? I have been desperately looking for new jobs but it's been difficult (not least because of the law change...) and I've managed one interview in two months.

Should I have kept up the pretence or was it the right thing to do to be so honest to a bullying manager in a role that I don't want at a workplace I really dislike?

Sorry if this comes across as word vomit - it's been almost a year and I normally struggle to chat about this with anyone.

I think you need to put down in writing what you said to her and her responses in an email, and get her to agree to what was said, so she can't twist it in future.
In a kind of "dear bully here's a note of what we discussed yesterday as I recall it in case it needs to be referred to in the future. "
Then you've got a paper trail.
Very hard to say how it will go, from someone who followed you around shouting at you, she clearly should not be still in her job.

I think you did right to call her out . Her being professional in her approach won’t change her feelings about you . I would document every interaction you have incase she is working behind the scenes to get you out or moved . Tbh I’d use your time to look elsewhere . A start like this in a company is not good . We’ve probably all had bullies at some point but I don’t know why people don’t call them out , chances are she’s bullying others so a collective action could be good , strength in numbers etc

If I were you I'd start looking around for a job that suits your skills better and that you would be happier in. This whole thing sounds so stressful

I want to give you the benefit of my experience, having been signed off for my notice period due to stress. This was, in part, due to a difficult relationship with my line manager, whose behaviour teetered into bullying territory.

Keep a papertrail and seriously consider taking sick leave whilst you look forr new positions. Reading your post it's clear that you want to prove your worth and value in your current role. But he goalposts will keep shifting (the bonus payment, her approval etc) until you wear yourself out. Then you won't be in a position to work and you'll need time to recover (like me).

And please try to enjoy your holiday. You haven't been an idiot, you've been trying to survive a horrible job with the best tools and resources that you have to hand. It's probably time to draw a line in the sand and go somewhere that doesn't leave you feeling so rotten.

Wishing you well.

Honestly, nothing is going to change in this workplace so I'd leave as soon as possible.

Having worked in a terribly toxic workplace a decade ago I know from bitter experience that often leaving is the only option.

I know that's easier said than done as we all need the money but you're going to make yourself ill at this rate.

Make a plan and then you can mentally check out from the role.

Make a note of all the points where you do think you have added value and the issues that you had to dig deeply into, in order to do that. It is very easy to forget them. I am also interviewing at the moment and am finding it really hard to separate a lot of useful and concise description from what feels like a huge amorphous lump of all sorts (and have also found that some crucial information, such as 'There were 2 other posts responsible for X and Y when I started, but they were gone after 3 months', had been missing from my answers until recently).

Hopefully it won't happen, but there is a chance that you will feel as if information is shared with others by this manager far more readily than with you, and you're eventually 'told' about it (restructures or rejigging of responsibilities included) instead of involved earlier. They probably won't reassess their view of your performance on the things they did notice. If you would be unhappy to work like that, which is a 'Keep Your Head Down' situation, then keep looking for other things.

Thanks everyone for your responses - I appreciate every single one. I have a good paper trail - I've got 3,300 words of notes and 28 bullet points of instances where I have felt undermined, insulted, upset, sidelined or otherwise aggrieved at work. Looking at it like that is absolutely ridiculous - that's almost 3 a month since I started working there. Clearly it is untenable, but I don't believe the situation would necessarily sort itself if my manager were to go.

I feel like I have absolutely been ruined professionally. The industry I work in is small and gossipy - a month ago a colleague I don't work with but who sits on the same floor went for lunch with an ex colleague (who left before I joined). He obviously didn't make the connection on the timeline and he said that this person asked whether I was still surviving my manager.

I was shocked, because obviously I had never even met this person, let alone divulged my experience to them. Someone else in the office has obviously passed on the gossip about me and it has been of interest outside the company. I feel like it will follow me wherever I go, and I am considering looking to change careers completely to make a fresh break. It's humiliating.

Why are you expecting or waiting for your manager to go? It’s your word against hers and she has employment rights too.
I cannot understand why you would stay, the simplest and best thing to do is go and work elsewhere.

I'm not, and I don't think I have indicated I am.

I cannot find a new job and I am limping on in my current job, currently feeling sick that I have walked myself into getting the sack. That is the matter at hand.

It is also not 'my word against hers' as the major incident we had has been documented by HR and recognised by her in her apology.

I am considering looking to change careers completely to make a fresh break. It's humiliating.

This is what you need to do. I'm not sure if the "it's humiliating" relates to just this, or to the whole situation, but there is definitely no humiliation or shame in changing careers, changing industries, or changing jobs.

The law has changed so your special skills/ knowledge are now irrelevant. You will very likely have to take a pay cut to get a job elsewhere, as there don't seem to be many openings for you at your level.
You can't stay where you are just for the money - your mental health will be shot to pieces and it is just not worth it.
Add to that, the industry is far too gossipy and toxic.

Cut your losses and move on. This is the time for retraining in a whole new career, or at the very least taking a pay cut to get into a new industry.

Adjust your housing and lifestyle if needed, to do without your current salary.

Could this possibly be considered a constructive dismissal case as your job is now verging on untenable for you?

Thanks for the straight talking, I need it and appreciate it.

I don't think all is necessarily lost with my experience - the broader topic I work in still exists but you're right that I won't find the exact same job again as it doesn't exist.

With regards to the humiliation - I am referring very much to the situation rather than career changing, but they feel very intertwined for me. I've got absolutely no idea what to pivot to. I feel like the whole experience has made me lose a sense of who I am and what I enjoy doing. I can't imagine enjoying doing anything at work now. As awful as my current situation is, I do find the prospect of trying something new and putting myself in another vulnerable situation very scary.

I think you need 2 years continuous service for constructive dismissal, so it isn't a possibility for me.

The industry I work in is small and gossipy - a month ago a colleague I don't work with but who sits on the same floor went for lunch with an ex colleague (who left before I joined). He obviously didn't make the connection on the timeline and he said that this person asked whether I was still surviving my manager.

@TriggerMortis has it not occurred to you that it’s HER reputation that’s being discussed here not your performance or ability to work under her?

people probably know what shes like, she’ll have been like this in other places

I hope you can find some peace of mind, let things settle and at least you know you have been open and honest and said what is important. How she reacts is what will be interesting and with a huge black mark against her from the previous HR event… she has more likelihood of losing her job than you do somehow

could you do her job?

And I got shouted at by a manager I’d worked with for 6 years.

i refused to go deliver a Xmas hamper to a client a week later because I didn’t want to be in a closed space away from others for hours and he tried to discipline me.

they tried to fire me! I put in a grievance and it took years to resolve. I didn’t get the money back we’d spent on lawyers in the settlement, but they paid out way more than we did in fees and expenses AND I was on full pay for 5 months so I’m calling it a win.

i was TERRIFIED about the prospect of getting a new job, and in the end Covid provided me with my first ever remote job and that was the cure I needed to get past the trauma. I get it… but you can do this love, you really can.

I can guarantee that your manager has a reputation for being difficult & bullying. HR can do nothing until a formal complaint about her behaviour is lodged (speaking from personal experience here). Might be worth a chat with ACAS or an employment solicitor (check your house insurance) to see what they recommend.

otherwise keep looking for a new job - toxic bosses just grind you down.

As an outsider OP, I feel that you are so worn down that you can’t see the wood for the trees. Perhaps also, the job has taken a back seat whilst your ‘defeat the bully’ stance takes priority. Very understandable.

Enjoy your holiday and let work go.

I think like previous posters your mental health will spiral.

Focus only on what you can control and nothing else. When you return, update your CV, be open minded to career paths. The boss and work place you are in are toxic, you focus on getting out. I guarantee you won’t regret it. Yes it’s scary, I was terrified when I quit teaching, but it was a choice of quitting or a breakdown. A year later my only regret is that I didn’t quit earlier. Trouble is the more you put up with working in a toxic environment the more normal it seems. I frequently now remember instances and think “why the hell did I put up with that?” So enjoy your holiday, get some perspective, then put all your energy into a better future. I wish you well.

A bit off topic but I just can’t help myself every time I read ‘elephant in the room’…

We once had a hire who was on the HR radar for absenteeism. At one particular management meeting the ‘elephant in the room’ was discussed ie her absence. Wasn’t two days later and there was a formal complaint for bullying for referring to her as an elephant. I still shake my head.

Sorry OP. I second other posters. Your manager probably has a reputation for this kind of behavior. The only way to protect yourself is to put in a formal complaint. Also may be time to look for a new role.in general we spend so much time in the workplace that I don’t believe you should sacrifice your mental health for it. Imagine spending a third of your day unhappy. Not worth it for any money I’m afraid.

What do you want out of the situation?

It sounds like you’ve had an absolutely awful experience and you’re doing a job you don’t want. Anyone would be worn down by what you’ve gone through. Your manager sounds like a nightmare and with a difficult reputation. Believe me that this reflects on them and not on you.

It sounds from what you’re saying that you want to leave and you want to do a job you’re better suited for, but you need some time to find that right job.

Your choices then are to leave and risk not finding something straightaway, or to suck it up for a fixed amount of time while you put all your efforts into finding a new job, or to have a protected conversation with HR and point out how unprofessional the situation’s been and to ask them to make you a settlement so you can find another job.

I don’t have much to add other than I want to say as I get older I find so many management positions are filled by incompetent people. They do well enough to keep their jobs but certainly not to create a culture of excellence and best practice . Op you seem to me to have simply stated events from your perspective which have in fact occurred…created boundaries…and carefully documented incidents which is so crucial as memory fails over time( a form of healing I believe). IMO it’s often a newer person who has the most conflict with a manager. Others who have been there longer just put up with the shit and go along to get along. I raised multiple concerns re: patient care as a new hire because my manager equally educated to me would say she was all about patient care but in reality was all about billable services. She labeled me a “strong personality” but once I started rocking her boat others were more comfortable advocating for patients and she recently retired which was post due at 71 yrs old. Don’t lose your voice or your confidence over this particular job and I agree with PP that the gossip is probably about her.

I think you did the right thing to share so clearly how you've been misled, when this whole horrible situation is in the past I think you would really regret not finding your voice. Nothing you said is problematic or offensive- her role as a manager is to support your evolution..hers is the failure...not yours ❤️ Good Luck its horrid to work with someone like her 🌸🌷🌸

Yes, you're right OP, with some notable exceptions i.e. if you're being discriminated against re. one of the nine protected characteristics, if you're dismissed for a reason that's "automatically unfair" or if they've breached your employment contract, but from what you've written, none of these seem to apply.
You also wouldn't be entitled to statutory redundancy pay with fewer than two years' service (you might be entitled to contractual redundancy pay, but you'd need to check what your contract states).
As this was a mid year performance review, it should all be written up by your manager for each of you to sign and if you don't agree with anything she's written you can get her to change it before signing the document.
I understand you feeling like you've made a mistake in speaking so candidly, but have you really? It sounds like you've been in a living hell for almost a year and notwithstanding that you'll need to find another job, it seems like it would be a blessed relief if they let you go. It's clearly quite a toxic workplace with a very toxic manager. And as other PPs have said, why are you worrying about your reputation? Your manager needs to be worrying about hers if she can't keep staff and oversteps the mark to the extent that she has to apologise for her behaviour. I've no doubt HR will be very aware of how problematic she is so she may not have the influence with them that you think she has.

What I really want is to go back in time to last August, not give in my notice and continue working for considerably less money in the wonderfully supportive team I worked in before. Unfortunately it’s since been dismantled (one of the reasons I looked elsewhere). I realise how stupid that sounds because I did look for a new job for a reason, but my life was so much better then. I feel like a different person now.

Reading @Middlemarch123 post the ‘can’t see the wood for the trees’ really does strike a chord too. Every day I go into work prepared to be upset by my manager. I had what I think might have been a panic attack during the work day a few weeks ago. With hindsight I should have gone home, but I was so concerned about meeting a deadline for her that I sat in the park for a few minutes and calmed down and then returned to work.

Lodge a formal complaint with HR about bullying manager and then negotiate an exit - say you are being harassed into a mental health crisis and the reputational damage alone is causing you difficulties looking for a new job. Ask for a payout of 6 months and to be on garden leave.

You don’t deserve this, and no court would uphold this kind of bullying. Being pursued through a building whilst crying and then left with manager it outrageous

What’s done is fine, constantly raking over it is not going to change anything. Just get a new job. Move departments or to another employer entirely. Even if your manager got run over in the morning you would still hate your job. Life is too short to be this stressed out