Having felt that life has been going too smoothly of late, and the summer sunshine making me feel like taking life by the horns, I decided it was time to try buying some new jeans.
Important context: I am 5'2. I am a woman. I have had three children. I am perimenopausal.
Previous shopping attempts have taught me that jean shopping must be undertaken in multiple stages. The initial walk round and trying on of the first dozen or so pairs. The sad acceptance that I look upholstered. The second trip. Pairs 12-30ish. Worse. Catching sight of my dappled arse cheeks in the changing room lighting designed by some fucker that hates women. Mild depression. Trip three. Grief stages of bargaining and depression. Gin. Sticking forks into my eyeballs. Usually by about pair 50 - and please do not imagine this is exaggerated because, as sure as eggs is eggs, around 50 is my average try on for new jeans - I find something that doesn't make me want to cry. I fork out the goods, and then pay about £15 more to have someone lop off about two feet off the length so I can wear them in public.
But today, my friends, today God herself has blessed me and shone her countenance upon me. First shop, first pair. I shit you not.
Having heard some slightly optimistic tales of Levis, I polished my credit card and headed in on my lunch hour. I was leapt on by a gorgeous looking twenty something as soon as my fingers touched fabric. I usually hate this, but resigned to my fate told Ms Gorgeous what I wanted.
She immediately handed me a pair straight away and told me she was getting the same pair two inches shorter for me. I waited for the runty legged version (this isn't my first rodeo) and tried them on first.
Well fuck me sideways with a banjo, they fit, they were comfortable, I looked not only acceptable but actually rather nice.
So in the interest of karmic balance for all the whining I do, here is my glorious tale of Levis and the servant of God who helped me today.
Disclaimer: I do not work for Levis. But if they are looking for a chonky middle aged influencer with three followers on the Tricky Tok to shower with their product, well, I'll struggle on through.