How do you handle racists?

[WoodlandLove]

Up in the night with a very troubled conscience.
I'm a self-employed artist, but since Covid really, I've struggled to make a living, and have scraped by with temporary zero hours jobs and side hustles etc. I've got pretty rubbish mental health and struggle with many types of work, so was pleased to land some temporary casual work for summer on a nearby fruit farm - fruit picking, looking after PYO customers etc. A nice little gig for a few weeks in beautiful surroundings. Great I thought...
Buuut, turns out the farmer is a rabid racist! To my utter horror he actually used the n-word a couple of times 😧 I told him he shouldn't, and explained I was offended. To be fair he apologised. But, he seems to think white people can't be offended by racism. I think all decent people should be offended by it.
Additionally, he seems to think all Asian customers are trying to steal from him, and yesterday, as we were parting company, he made a vile 'joke' about how he'd like to go to Calais with his shotgun 🥺 I actually felt sick, and didn't know what to say. I've made no secret of my disapproval, but weirdly he seems to enjoy goading me and finds it funny. He's just an unsavoury human being honestly, and my heart sinks when I see him. Would you quit?
Seems obvious, but I'm as poor as a church mouse, live in an area of high unemployment, and need it to pay the rent. So ethically-driven quitting isn't always an option, unless you're very privileged. Only about four weeks to go, and wondering if I should just keep my head down and get on with the work, take the money and move on? Or, try again to speak to him? Or quit and face penury till another gig comes up? What would you do? I almost feel guilty working there. It's such a a shame, as it's a beautiful place, the work really suits me, and I get on well with the other workers. One is similarly horrified, and we're allies! He seems better able to compartmentalise than me though, and wouldn't consider leaving. Sensitive woman that I am, I find it really hard to compartmentalise.
Anyway, I'm going to use the weekend to decide, and would appreciate input. Thank you.

It’s a difficult one op. Dh and I have politely ended phone conversations with my in-laws over offensive language which they “used in jest” and we made it clear we didn’t find it funny or even remotely acceptable. But it’s slightly different when it’s your employer and not a family member.

Nothing is going to change for the better if you leave is it? He’s not going to change his views? So on balance it’s probably better that you stay there, take his money and continue to challenge his views as you already have been doing. Don’t let him wind you op though. Just be polite but confident and have a few one liners prepared such as
“last time I looked we still have free speech in Britain and that’s what I think about it”

This is a tricky one. I too find these sort of views abhorrent. We have a few acquaintances who foist these views on us and I always feel guilty for not calling them out whenever they say things . I have in the past confronted them and it ends up causing tension but I do think one is condoning it if you say nothing. One of our friends tends to enjoy the ‘goading’ like you say , hoping for an argument so I don’t give him the opportunity. I just nip it in the bud by saying he knows my views and I don’t feel like discussing further.
To be honest an employer is a different situation in that you are unlikely to be able to have any meaningful discussions or change his viewpoint in the short time you are there. I would be inclined to get on with the job for the few weeks left and if he makes comments just cut short and walk away and don’t work there after that.

Just blank him when he’s racist and look for other jobs in the meantime.

Thank you. Yes, it's hard, as I feel so shocked by stuff he says that I don't always know what to say. It's sometimes only afterwards that it hits me, and I feel guilty. When he used the n-word though I immediately told him he shouldn't use that word. I naively didn't know anyone in the world still used it - utterly disgusting.
A good idea to have one liners prepared, thank you.
Sorry you've had to deal with racism in your family. That's hard too.

OP you have been brave … he is in a position of authority and you have stood up to him.
There are loads of racists around …they tend to spout their nonsense when they feel safe.

Hold your head up high

Thank you so much for all of this. It's really helpful 😊

It's really hard OP but I don't think leaving is the answer, unless it's really causing a lot of stress and making you unwell etc.

You will come across people like this in life in various contexts - potentially in other future employment too - so it's good to develop a bit of a toolkit and resilience to deal with them.

I like the above poster's idea of challenging politely/ confidently with a few one liners. Easier said than done sometimes - but even if you do it once or twice (as you already have with the N word stuff - well done) it might help you feel more empowered.

I agree that saying nothing can seem like condoning it, but sometimes it is very hard to say something, especially when the person is in a position of authority over you.

Just pick your moments and try to do right by your own conscience. You deserve and need the job though and you shouldn't let him take that away from you.

Also, could you make use of your colleague who sees it similarly to you? - Talk through ideas with them about what you might be able to say and whether you can both challenge him at times?

Thank you so much.
Your post made me feel quite emotional, in a good way! ❤️
One thing is that they're very short-staffed. In spite of high unemployment in the area, farms often struggle to retain staff. So, I know he's unlikely to sack me for calling him out. I'm distressed by the fact he seems to enjoy upsetting me. I need the work, he needs workers, so we're both tolerating one another! We'd never mix in any other setting. I wouldn't want anything to do with him.

@Ribecx thank you so much for posts. Both really helpful. That's a great idea about working with the like-minded colleague. I definitely need strategies to get through the next few weeks!
I've got a fantasy that I can convert the farmer to the good side in a matter of weeks!

You're welcome :)

I do think you need to be realistic that it's very unlikely you will actually change his opinions. These things tend to be extremely deeply ingrained.

However, challenging is perfectly legitimate and the right thing to do.

It might make him think twice about who he shares his opinions with, and clue him into the fact that most people don't find it acceptable/ don't agree with him.

I wonder how often racists actually change? See they were wrong? I guess if the rest of us just keep showing our repulsion to their views, they'll at least stop airing them hopefully, so we don't have to listen to it. It almost feels like an assault on my soul. I can only imagine how awful it actually makes victims of racism feel 😔

Thank you. Yes, I at least want to know, when the work naturally ends in a few weeks, that I've hopefully caused him to not air his views so openly.
I'm glad it's seasonal work. The end is in sight.

One irony is that they're short-staffed because of Brexit, which of course he voted for!

Unfortunately I think it's much more common that people just stop airing their views than that they actually change them.

I think changing views like this is most likely to happen through exposure - getting out of their (usually quite homogeneous) circles, perhaps doing some traveling, and actually meeting and getting to know people from different backgrounds.

People who have racist views don't generally tend to push themselves to do these things, so the views perpetuate in their echo chambers.

I really feel sorry for your situation OP. DH returned from a business trip last week to say that the guy he was working with made some racist comments over the 2 days. Luckily DH can avoid being in this person’s company going forward. But you need your wages so need to find a way forward & I would approach it as I would sexist misogynists, in that I’d play dumb, pretend I don’t understand what he is saying & make him repeat his foul language until it becomes embarrassing for him. You Ned the job & the money, so don’t let him scupper your plans for the next few weeks.
good luck 🤞🏻

Thank you all so much. I feel much better for discussing it. His comment about Calais yesterday left me reeling, and I didn't say much then, as I was so shocked, and had finished the day's work. You've all made me feel less guilty, and I think quitting would be rash, and I might regret it. I desperately need the income.

@MrsEMR thank you for your understanding and sympathy. That's a really good idea as a strategy.

He doesn’t need you to educate him. He knows it is racist and it sounds like he finds it amusing to wind you up. He is trying to provoke a reaction. Just grey rock him as that will be less entertaining for him. I’d also look for another job.

You're probably right. Though I find it very hard to grey rock people, as I'm naturally very emotionally reactive, especially if it's something I find so upsetting.
He does seem to find it amusing though, and it sometimes now, after a few weeks already, feels like he's aiming for my weak spot and firing at it, which I find pretty sinister 😕 he's just not very nice to be honest. I rarely say that about people, and usually find the best in people, and think everyone has redeeming qualities. But, every now and then we encounter people we just can't easily like.
Yes, I'm always looking for other work. Though, there's only about 4 weeks to go, and honestly I think it's unlikely I'd find anything round here within that timeframe. Really high rates of unemployment. But, We'll see...

Maybe it does us good to occasionally encounter people with such hideous views, to remind us how important our values are, and that we should never be complacent about the scale of racism in our society?

Hi @WoodlandLove

Just wanted to say thank you for standing up to him as best you can.

As a black woman I can confirm that racism does definitely kill my / our souls. Being hated for something that you literally cannot change and have no control over - the colour of your skin - is really discombobulating.

Thank you for being an ally.

I agree that he is aware that these sorts of comments are emotive and he is getting some sort of weird kick from winding you up.

Walking away, not engaging in the discussion, keeping silent - all ways to grey rock. It will hopefully get boring for him when he sees that no response / reaction from you is forthcoming.

All the best for your job search. I really hope something good and stable comes up for you soon.

💐

I wouldn’t work for him.

@HelpMeUnpickThis thank you so much. I'm sorry we live in a society where there is still so much injustice towards people just because of skin colour 😔
I'll do my best to follow your advice re grey rocking. I felt guilty if I didn't react. But maybe grey rocking would achieve more...

Yes, I definitely wouldn't long-term. Just not going back from now could leave me in a very precarious position financially, as I'm a renter, and really live fairly hand-to-mouth. I've worked out that if I finish the gig I'll have my next month's rent covered, and a bit extra to keep me going whilst I work on my artwork and finding more paid work. I did consider just quitting and claiming Universal Credit, but I don't think you can if you've left a job of your own free will? I wish we had UBI, it'd make life so much less stressful for those of us who live somewhat on the edge, due to illness or other challenges. We wouldn't have to compromise ourselves like this.