Wimbledon V Funeral

[Allthegoodhorses]

Just to let everyone know I typed up the post but got Chat GPT to refine to message.

I saw my mum today. She visited and came for lunch. We don’t see each other that often anymore since I moved away — I’m nearly two hours from her now — so it was nice to spend some time together. We had lunch, then went for a walk.
The relationship between my mum and me (and my siblings) has always been a bit complicated. “Fractured” might be the best word. The term “narcissist” has been tossed around before — I’m not sure that fully fits, but she can definitely be self-serving, self-centred, and rather obsessed with herself. She’s not one for congratulations or compliments, yet she’ll happily brag about our achievements to anyone who’ll listen. A bit Hyacinth Bucket, if you know what I mean.

She’s 82 now — still incredibly fit and active. She drives, has a busy social life, and shows no signs of anxiety or anything like that. During our walk, she chatted mostly about her friends and their lives. One piece of news stood out: the husband of a couple she's been friends with my entire life died recently. He had a tumour that spread from his lungs to his spine. It sounded incredibly painful and distressing. It wasn’t diagnosed until late, and at 86 with an aggressive case, no treatment plan was offered. He was moved to a hospice and passed away shortly after.

Unusually for the UK, the funeral has been arranged very quickly. Without going into too much detail, it seems there’s a major family event coming up, and they didn’t want the funeral to overshadow it. Understandable, in its own way.
Here’s the part that left me speechless: while we were walking, Mum mentioned she wouldn’t be attending the funeral next week — because she’s going to Wimbledon.

I was stunned — though I think I hid it well. Yes, she’s a massive tennis fan, but... really? A lifelong friend’s funeral versus a tennis match?
I keep wondering: am I overreacting here? Is it unreasonable to be totally and utterly shocked that she’s prioritising Wimbledon over saying goodbye to someone she's known for decades?

I know someone who missed her grandfather's funeral to go to a concert.. I don't remember who the band was but a once in a lifetime thing like Kate Bush but more something current and where tickets don't get sold out.

I remember being shocked but I suppose it's more common than I thought

You say that she has a history of being self centred so it’s not that shocking really and therefore yabu to be shocked and speechless. Her friend may be upset that she doesn’t attend the funeral so your mum may face the consequences of that. Maybe her friend is fine with it though. Just leave her to it, it’s not really your business.

@ToHellIGo I havent posted in AIBU. This is chat, and yes, I can still be shocked.

You asked ‘Is it unreasonable to be totally and utterly shocked that she’s prioritising Wimbledon over saying goodbye to someone she's known for decades?’

Don’t ask if you don’t want that question answered. 🤷‍♀️

You mention she can be self-centered so it's not that surprising. However, I am somewhat on your mum's side. The funeral has been arranged quickly, not unreasonable that some people will have other things planned. He may have been a friend for a long time but how close were they. Wimbledon is also bloody expensive!

My DS missed his Gran's funeral for a laboratory practical exam at Uni, I told him Gran would rather he concentrated on Uni and his future. I thought that wasn't unreasonable, but not everyone would agree. It's down to personal feelings and choice.

I’m not sure the person who died is beyond caring. I would presume the widow is more of her friend. I hope the widow has lots of family to support her on the day.

Your Mum is 82 , she may feel she hasn’t got many Wimbledons left. She might not be here or able to enjoy it next year. You get one life is it so bad to put yourself first at that age?

I’m 50/50 on this.

When I was young my friend and I both turned down invitations to a mutual friend’s wedding. Because we were seeing Tina Turner and the tickets had been booked for ages and it was Tina’s last ever tour.🙄 Yeah right? How many come back tours did that woman have! Wish I’d gone to friend’s wedding.

I don't think it helps your relationship to be so judgmental of your mother.
She is a lot older than you and at a different stage of life.
I think you should try to cultivate a more neutral attitude.

In her position, I'd pick Wimbledon over the funeral too.

You can be shocked if you want but I don’t really think it’s any of your business. I don’t think attendance at a funeral is necessarily the thing that measures a friendship.

She had 1 or 2 but still the best person live i ever saw (multiple times). In my friendship group the inconsiderate bride and groom would immediately have rearranged their wedding and probably come to the concert.

@Allthegoodhorses

of course you're entitled to your feelings/thoughts! All of this 'none of your business' is just daft!

Given what you say about your mum though, I'm surprised you're shocked! Sounds like her usual form!

no way could I (nor my Mum) enjoy Wimbledon knowing a friends funeral w as taking place! Not could I not be there to support a friend.

However, I have a good friend that if she had tickets to Wimbledon she'd miss her own funeral!!

id be disappointed in your mum being so crap to your family friend, but I don't suppose there's much you can do except exposes your surprise at her decision.

Will you go to the funeral?

I am going to go yes.. I’m still very shocked about the dismissive attitude by not going to a funeral for a friend (friends) for years for a bit of tennis but it seems like I’m in the minority. Odd

@socialdilemmawhattodo 🤣🤣 to me it felt more like 3 or 4 comebacks.

It was the Blenheim Palace concert. I don’t remember much about the concert. Except I was sporting a broken wrist and it itched like mad in the heat with a plaster cast

Really tricky one when these things are short notice- sometimes you have things that would mean letting someone else down. Also some people can’t cope with funerals.

Not overly helpful but it’s why the Jewish tradition of shiva is a good one- not everyone can make the funeral that is often the next day but can go to shiva one evening and pay their respects.

I think the only person in a position to judge is the man’s widow. She is the one who may be hurt by your mum not going - conversely she may not be upset at all and have the view that life should go on. You don’t know her view. Maybe your mum does?

That's that friendship down the pan, isn't it?

My niece missed her GM's funeral because she had tickets to see a band. The same band she's seen a billion times, and indeed the same band she had tickets for mutliple dates on that particular tour. Can't say anyone was impressed with that.

I agree the the person who can judge is the widow. My mum's (bit younger) view is that it's spending time with someone when they're alive that's important.

I must be a very different person to most on mumsnet. If my friends husband had died in slightly short space in time - and actually she was friends with them for years, I would personally cancel the tennis match. I find it totally odd that anyone in that position would prioritise a game over a lifelong friend’s funeral

Its seems unreasonable for you to be shocked and stunned because you said she has form for being self centred.

I know that an older relative of mine avoids all funerals as it reminds her of her own mortality now that she is in her 80s.

Importantly, this funeral has also been arranged to happen quicker than normal quick to not get in the way of their own family event, so I’m not sure it’s that bad that your mum is putting an event that she will enjoy ahead of it really.

I hope I would choose the funeral. I suppose I can’t absolutely guarantee that I would - I’m going to Wimbledon* next week, never been before, we’re spending a lot of money, but if it was a really close friend I hope I would go.

What I can say about funerals of close family including my Dh is that I was touched and delighted by everyone who made the effort to be there, but I genuinely don’t remember who wasn’t there IYSWIM. And there were a couple of frail people who I was really stunned came a long way to my dh’s funeral and I wouldn’t have been upset at all if they hadn’t.

*insert exciting event of your choice here

Not overly surprised. I've been to funerals where lifelong friends have not attended for what seemed like spurious reasons.
Eg they couldn't make it because someone was coming round to fix the boiler. I mean you need a boiler working but even so..

Also I think people become more selfish in old age tbh.

I'd go to Wimbledon. I've requested not to have a funeral, complete waste of money. I suspect it's because I'm autistic. Parents also requested direct to cremation.

Agree with other posters that older people often start to avoid going to funerals. Perhaps because it starts to be never ending once you get to a certain stage in life and yes they hate being reminded of their own mortality.

My mother is terminally ill and has had long hospital stays over the past few months and none of her peers have visited her apart from her sibling.

Funerals are important imo though I get the financial argument. I guess there are always differences about which rites of passage have meaning to individuals, or even more the people around them. I’m not looking forward to friends turning out to have direct cremations, and when it looked as if we might have to have one for my mum I was really upset.

Most people would be shocked had you not painted a poor description of your Mother and her characteristics. Given what you posted about her, people are responding accordingly and surprised that you are shocked. It does not make them 'odd' and I am sure the responses would have been different had you not posted what she was like.