Wimbledon V Funeral

[Allthegoodhorses]

Just to let everyone know I typed up the post but got Chat GPT to refine to message.

I saw my mum today. She visited and came for lunch. We don’t see each other that often anymore since I moved away — I’m nearly two hours from her now — so it was nice to spend some time together. We had lunch, then went for a walk.
The relationship between my mum and me (and my siblings) has always been a bit complicated. “Fractured” might be the best word. The term “narcissist” has been tossed around before — I’m not sure that fully fits, but she can definitely be self-serving, self-centred, and rather obsessed with herself. She’s not one for congratulations or compliments, yet she’ll happily brag about our achievements to anyone who’ll listen. A bit Hyacinth Bucket, if you know what I mean.

She’s 82 now — still incredibly fit and active. She drives, has a busy social life, and shows no signs of anxiety or anything like that. During our walk, she chatted mostly about her friends and their lives. One piece of news stood out: the husband of a couple she's been friends with my entire life died recently. He had a tumour that spread from his lungs to his spine. It sounded incredibly painful and distressing. It wasn’t diagnosed until late, and at 86 with an aggressive case, no treatment plan was offered. He was moved to a hospice and passed away shortly after.

Unusually for the UK, the funeral has been arranged very quickly. Without going into too much detail, it seems there’s a major family event coming up, and they didn’t want the funeral to overshadow it. Understandable, in its own way.
Here’s the part that left me speechless: while we were walking, Mum mentioned she wouldn’t be attending the funeral next week — because she’s going to Wimbledon.

I was stunned — though I think I hid it well. Yes, she’s a massive tennis fan, but... really? A lifelong friend’s funeral versus a tennis match?
I keep wondering: am I overreacting here? Is it unreasonable to be totally and utterly shocked that she’s prioritising Wimbledon over saying goodbye to someone she's known for decades?

I’m 51 and already pretty much have no fucks left to give. I’d assume by the time I hit my 80s I will have none whatsoever. If it were my funeral I wouldn’t want someone to miss a trip just to go. If she were my friend, I wouldn’t want her to miss the trip.

Your relationship with your mum is totally different from her relationship with her friend. I’m sure her friend knows your mum and how she is. Only she can be upset or pissed off about whether she goes or not.

I agree with PP, AI is not necessary for posting, it does you no favours.

I think funerals are an entirely personal choice.
We don’t know the relationship your mum had with them really, and was he the kind of character who would be turning in his grave at the thought of her missing Wimbledon? Would he prefer she raised a Pimms (or similar) to him there?
I also think the way people deal with grief is personal.

I wouldn't have expected anyone who'd got Wimbledon tickets to forgo them to come to DH's funeral. In fact there were a couple of lifelong friends on holiday, it never occurred to me that they should cancel, and for close family who really "needed" to be there, I checked the date before making any arrangements.

What friends did to support in the days before and after the funeral was far more important than attending the funeral.

It sounds mean but in your 80s I think life is for living. My mum lives in retirement flats and doesn't go to any funeral of her friends there. A lot of them don't. It's just their view on life.
I think it's quite a healthy view tbh.

If you're in your 80s and know/knew lots of people, funerals happen often.

You are being unreasonable in the sense that you are shocked. You have described her as self centred so why her choice has shocked you, I do not know.

I wouldn't expect anyone to cancel an expensive event to attend a short notice funeral (though I might do so myself).

'at 86 with an aggressive case, no treatment plan was offered' - there will have been a treatment plan, just not a curative one.

My mother stopped going to all funerals for a while as it was just too emotionally draining

the friend is dead - funerals are for those left behind and your mother is one of those

It strikes me that as you say your relationship with your mother has not been the easiest or warmest that you are disapproving of her.
So it's not a matter of weighing up what we might do or why.
I think you need to get out of the habit of assuming your mother is in the wrong.
What she does or why is not your responsibility.
As the young people say
You do you.

All the best.

Good for your mum! I hope she enjoys her day at Wimbledon. It's normally slashing down with rain and freezing cold, this year the weather is great.

She may prefer to celebrate the life of the person in another way, eg going to a church or peaceful place, remembering them when they were in their prime. There are many many ways to pay one's last respects.

why judge? What law has she broken? Maybe the deceased was a sports/tennis fan and would have approved.

Completely agree with this.