Wimbledon V Funeral

[Allthegoodhorses]

Just to let everyone know I typed up the post but got Chat GPT to refine to message.

I saw my mum today. She visited and came for lunch. We don’t see each other that often anymore since I moved away — I’m nearly two hours from her now — so it was nice to spend some time together. We had lunch, then went for a walk.
The relationship between my mum and me (and my siblings) has always been a bit complicated. “Fractured” might be the best word. The term “narcissist” has been tossed around before — I’m not sure that fully fits, but she can definitely be self-serving, self-centred, and rather obsessed with herself. She’s not one for congratulations or compliments, yet she’ll happily brag about our achievements to anyone who’ll listen. A bit Hyacinth Bucket, if you know what I mean.

She’s 82 now — still incredibly fit and active. She drives, has a busy social life, and shows no signs of anxiety or anything like that. During our walk, she chatted mostly about her friends and their lives. One piece of news stood out: the husband of a couple she's been friends with my entire life died recently. He had a tumour that spread from his lungs to his spine. It sounded incredibly painful and distressing. It wasn’t diagnosed until late, and at 86 with an aggressive case, no treatment plan was offered. He was moved to a hospice and passed away shortly after.

Unusually for the UK, the funeral has been arranged very quickly. Without going into too much detail, it seems there’s a major family event coming up, and they didn’t want the funeral to overshadow it. Understandable, in its own way.
Here’s the part that left me speechless: while we were walking, Mum mentioned she wouldn’t be attending the funeral next week — because she’s going to Wimbledon.

I was stunned — though I think I hid it well. Yes, she’s a massive tennis fan, but... really? A lifelong friend’s funeral versus a tennis match?
I keep wondering: am I overreacting here? Is it unreasonable to be totally and utterly shocked that she’s prioritising Wimbledon over saying goodbye to someone she's known for decades?

But the friend has died, so he won't know! In my opinion, funerals are pretty pointless anyway. If she is able to ennjoy her life, especially at her age, that definitely takes priority.

My Dad (74) avoids funerals now after a particularly difficult one a few years ago. He wouldn't ever say that though, he always just turns out to be ill on the day or the car breaks down or something.

Well we can sit on the 'minority' bench together!

She's only got a few years left at 82 let the woman enjoy Wimbledon I say. I think it's fine to be a bit selfish when you get to the point that it might be your last chance to do things. It might be her with the aggressive tumour next.

l don't think it is shocking at all and I find it a bit surprising that you should be so judgemental about it.

It would be completely reasonable for your mum to feel that the widow will be looking to her family members rather than friends for support on the day. In which case, it would also be reasonable for your mum to attend or not attend based on her own needs, ie on whether the funeral will help her to process the loss of this old friend and commemorate his life.

When bereaved people organise a funeral, they aren't usually just thinking of their own need for people to attend; they are also offering it as a resource for other people to make use of if they themselves need it. Evidently, your mum doesn't.

At 82 I'm guessing she will have experienced the death of quite a few friends and family members already. She may have ways of acknowledging their loss which don't involve attendance at a funeral. Perhaps she will raise a glass to her friend in the Wimbledon sunshine. That is her choice. It isn't really for you to pass judgement on it.

the friends’ husbands funeral may be immediate family only.

I would go to Wimbledon too. (I mean, I don't like tennis, but say I had tickets for the Cup Final at Wembley or a once in a lifetime gig by a favourite artist or band and it clashed).

If it were a member of my family, I would expect my friend to still go to their event too.

Sometimes funerals happen at times you can't go.
Would you have expected her to cancel a holiday, if that's where she were ?

When we held my parents' funerals, we had cards and letters from people who weren't able to come, expressing their condolences at our loss and often telling us a lovely story about them. We were touched by the number of people that did come (to each one) but there was no 'register' and we were aware that someone having a prior engagement on the day, didn't in any way measure the closeness of the friendship.

I know this is in chat, but, in your OP you asked AIBU, and I think you are, very much so.

At 82, I expect she realises she will be lucky to get more tickets, and if she can get them, lucky to be able to have the stamina to go to Wimbledon again, or many times more, but I suspect she goes to funerals fairly often. I know my parents did after they retired, without living as long as your Mum.

In their 70s my parents went to the funerals of acquaintances as well as relations and close friends. In their 80s they more or less stopped going to any. Perhaps the reminder of their own mortality was getting harder to cope with.

I’ve been surprised at some people regarding funerals. I think older people find them terrifying … can see themselves in that situation in the not too distance future so would rather do something fun.

Is it unreasonable to be totally and utterly shocked that she’s prioritising Wimbledon over saying goodbye to someone she's known for decades?

Yes. You've described her as selfish and possibly narcissistic. Therefore she's simply running true to form

It was a prebooked event, so she is not rude.

She can still support her friend's family with visits, a cake and being there at times other than the funeral.

I would put off a prior arrangement for the funeral of a close relative or a best friend. Old friend doesn't always mean close friend.

It’s not.

Having been recently widowed myself, I really wouldn't mind if a friend didn't come to the funeral. What's more important to me is their continuing support afterwards, when everyone else goes back to their normal lives.

I would go to the tennis, I don't generally go to funerals, I'm not having one myself.

The AI has made your post difficult to read so I wouldn't bother with it next time

I think people of your mum’s age get to a stage where there are funerals every other week. They do become quite hardened to it all in a way. I sometimes wonder if it’s self protection.

When my own mother passed away, I had to call all her friends. Some bawled their eyes out and I had to comfort them. Some thanked me and pretty much hung up. One must have developed dementia. I tried hard to pass on the message, but she clearly couldn’t remember who mum was. It was a very sobering experience.

I think in your 80s, people may start to look around and wonder which one of them is next.

Id give your mum a pass on this one.

Life is for living and your mum won't have many Wimbledons left. I know older people who eventually dislike funerals as it reminds them all of their friends and family are gradually dying.

Wouldn’t it have been so much easier to just say, mums lifelong friends Dh died and she’s going to Wimbledon rather than the funeral? You didn’t need AI.

What does the widow think? That’s all that would matter imo. I would go to the funeral to support my friend but then I’m not a tennis fan.

Actually, I agree with this.

She's 82 , I'll bet she's seen a lot of funerals in her time. Life starts out all birthdays, Weddings, christening and Anniversaries, but then when you get older it's more and more funerals, it well may be that she can't face the thought of another one or is grieving inside more than she wants to show. I think if she wants to go to Wimbledon and enjoy herself why shouldn't she? She's already said her goodbyes in her mind, it doesn't have to be public and " paying respects" is just a rule made by other people & we are all free to do that & grieve in our own way. She's choosing life, good on her I say.

I'm 67 and feel ok these days about prioritising my own needs when invited to anything.

Let's face it, the widowed friend will probably get far more support if this OP's mother continues to keep in touch, and ,listen, long after the funeral. Funerals are a bit performative - lots of people go because it looks "right", but then disappear again.

Thanks everyone. I take on the points raised. I guess I was just shocked as this couple (both of them) have been friends with mum for years. I am not sure I could prioritise something like that for a funeral but I guess we are all different.

I’m going to agree with others and say people often do find funerals more difficult the older they get. I remember my grandmother was the same and I’m in Ireland where people are massive funeral goers and funerals are always arranged quickly.

I would choose Wimbledon/pre purchased event over a funeral, she didn’t purchase the tickets after his death, I imagine the day out is all arranged, she can support her widowed friend in other ways going forward and presumably there will be a network of other family & friends attending.

Was the friend's husband a fan of tennis? I ask because the day of my cousin's funeral ( he died in a work accident aged 26), I was at a festival we had planned to go to together (it was a 1 day festival). To me, it seemed more what he would have wanted me to to do rather than be at his funeral.